Lady horror of the 1960s and 1970s

As I take a break from new stuff to continue my journey through my late brother’s DVD collection, I focus on four that are so of his era, and they all feature a woman or women in sci-fi or horror plots.

THE LAST WOMAN ON EARTH (1960)

This one was in my brother’s collection as a double feature DVD with Vincent Price in The Last Man On Earth, which I already have in my collection, but I thought perhaps this was a sequel I didn’t know existed.

It’s not. And although it’s a Roger Corman movie, it’s not even horror. And perhaps because this is a cheap, crappy budget 2-on-1 DVD, the version included is in black and white when it’s actually a color film.

After a credits sequence exploiting the female body, this is a pretty intriguing concept, and I imagine it could be made quite dark as a modern remake. A rich man and woman out scuba diving with their lawyer friend come back to shore to discover everyone in the world but them is dead. A few dead bodies as they walk down a deserted street is as horror as this gets.

After that it becomes like the long boring stretch of the original Dawn of the Dead, with the trio just going on with life and setting up home on their own.

The conflict creeps in as the lawyer friend makes it clear that because there are two men and only one woman, he wants to get some action. Basically the two men fight over the woman for the rest of the film…and the tragic denouement takes place in a church to bring some religious perspective to the situation.

Speaking of religion, if I had my way this film would have been the story of Adam and Eve and Steve, and both men would have wanted the last woman on earth gone…

VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN (1968)

The title alone should tip you off that this is a Roger Corman production, but the director is credited as Peter Bogdanovich, who would go on to direct The Last Picture Show and Noises Off. He, however, has claimed he only directed ten minutes involving scenes of the women that gave the movie its name.

It’s easy to believe because the scenes with the women seem spliced into a different movie about a trio of men on a mission to Venus with a robot they stole from the Lost in Space in space family. The men and women never actually interact!

According to the narrator, it’s 1998…which is now over 20 years ago, not 30 years in the future.

After lots of classic 60s space exploration scenes—because Star Wars was the future then—our astronauts discover that the planet Venus is loaded with a variety of dinosaurs and alien creatures with tentacles. Then they start to hear melodic voices like those of a siren…

The monsters are pretty cool, and the visuals, tone, and atmosphere, with fog machines, grey skies, and the hypnotic whir of 60s sci-fi/horror music, are quite good. Plus, the guys have a space car that also becomes a little submarine car! Soooo futuristic.

Even though the astronauts and women of the planet never meet (the forced scenes of the women not doing much of anything are pointless), the plot has the men killing a pterodactyl that turns out to be the god the women worship. You’ll never believe who they make their new god once they chase the men from their planet….

LADY FRANKENSTEIN (1971)

This is a dastardly little flick that needs to be remade as a campy horror comedy with someone perfectly snarky like Samara Weaving as “the lady.”

The set, thunder, lightning, and classic laboratory sights and sounds perfectly capture the Frankenstein vibe.

The original plot is compressed into about 30 minutes. As soon as the monster comes to life it kills the doctor and takes off to throw a naked wench into the river.

Meanwhile, the devious daughter decides to create a hunky man to hunt down and kill the monster that killed her father.

She picks the man, tests out the bod, then convinces her father’s assistant to kill him. In return, she will transplant the assistant’s brain in the hunk and be his woman.

The dude fricking goes for it! How is this movie not a comedy?

QUEEN KONG (1976)

Considering horror parodies started becoming a thing in the 1980s, this monster movie parody was ahead of its time.

The same year the remake of King Kong was released with Jessica Lange giving a ditzy bimbo performance that shockingly didn’t end her career right then and there, Queen Kong mocked the sheer male chauvinism of the original by simply reversing the roles of the sexes.

A domineering female director is furious when a clearly gay guy in the male lead of her jungle women movie walks off set. Her hunt for a passive man to play the role is a short one, because she saves a Mick Jagger looking dude when he steals something from a store and is chased as Benny Hill style music plays. She then drugs him and makes him her leading man bitch.

Horrible 1970s muzak score and “Queen Kong” 70s pop theme song aside, the movie is ridiculous right from the start, beginning with women in “we wear short shorts” shorts singing a “Liberated Lady” song on a boat, the exploitation of their bodies easily negating the whole point of the song.

While the film spoofs the King Kong plot, it also pokes fun at pop culture of the time, including The Exorcist, Jaws, and even President Jimmy Carter.

The overall concept does a great job of emasculating the male character Ray Fay (get it?). He is sexualized and feminized, wearing a pink boa and screaming in terror whenever a monster comes for him…yet the film once again negates the whole point by having him tell Queen Kong how to fight the enemies each time!

Aside from the slapstick spoof, which wears thin fast and becomes painfully unfunny, Queen also battles goofy looking T-Rex and pterodactyl monsters before being shipped back to civilization to take down a city while hunting for her man. Despite its flaws, if you grew up with King Kong, it’s easy to appreciate the purpose of this spoof.

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It came from 1989…four times

The day I can no longer dig up lost 1980s films I’ve never seen is the day I will stop living in the past. Okay, I’m lying. But this foursome was a delicious dive into first time viewing of horror from the peak of the VHS horror era…1989.

SOUNDS OF SILENCE (1989)

I think Sounds of Silence could have been a bit more entertaining with better pacing, which could easily have been accomplished by trimming it down from 105 minutes to 90.

The cute alien guy that impregnates a human girl in the original V plays a photographer who suddenly inherits a mansion from a long lost relative.

Right here is an example of how badly the film needs editing. I can’t tell you how unnecessarily long the sequence is of him having a hard time finding the mansion. It serves absolutely no purpose.

Anyway, he moves in with his woman and her deaf mute teen son, who immediately starts seeing pasty-faced ghost children and scary adult men ghosts all over. And over. And over.

The film has very atmospheric music, settings, and visuals, but it becomes agonizingly repetitive. It only picks up when the leading man and his woman look into the history of the house and realize the boy is experiencing something very frightening aside from the scary children. It’s a big scary dude with a sledgehammer!

FAMILY REUNION (1989)

Family Reunion has the feel of a Tales From the Darkside episode—the grainy film quality, the iffy acting, the weird tone, and even the score.

After a cheesy black and white scene of a cult sacrificing a baby, the movie begins its descent into making no sense.

A family, including grandpa, hops in a car for a Christmas road trip…to a ghost town?

Meanwhile, a sleazy guy with magic powers is arrested by police. On the way to the station with him, the police meet the family on the road and warn them away from their destination. So the magic guy immediately forces their car to drive to the town.

It’s really that bad.

The son is a prankster, the daughter likes Madonna, grandpa seems to know a secret about his family’s past and the town, and the dad blames grandpa for weird, satanic cult nightmares he has suffered for years.

The family kills a lot of time exploring and looking for each other in the town, but eventually the magic guy escapes prison, gathers his cult together, and drags the family into their ritual. It’s as bad as direct-to-video horror of the 80s gets.

There’s a scene at the end that’s filled with Christmas spirit—finally.

SHOCKING DARK (1989)

80s Euro horror director Bruno Mattei (Rats, The Other Hell, Scalps) couldn’t give us a creature feature more perfectly “late 80s weekend video rental” than Shocking Dark.

Despite the film being titled Terminator 2 in some markets because there’s an indestructible headhunter character, don’t let that distract you; this is purely a creature feature loaded with pre-CGI monsters right from the start.

Geretta Geretta is a member of a team of soldiers that heads into Venice after it has been evacuated due to a toxic cloud hovering above it. They find a guy trapped in a sort of web and then…out come the monsters. Yay!

There’s plenty of red light, fog machines, and monster attacks, but Geretta Geretta ends up taking a backseat as a white woman becomes the hero, trying to save a young girl from the monsters and the T2 man.

In true bad Euro horror fashion, the main girl and the little girl melodramatically scream constantly to the point that they’re looking directly at the camera to be even more annoying. Safe to say they just don’t make them like this anymore.

THE IMMORTALIZER (1989)

All hail the companies still digging up obscure 1980s horror to bring to Blu, because my life would not have been compete if I didn’t have Re-Animator meets The Rejuvenator knock-off The Immortalizer in my collection before I died.

This is so purely 80s, from the moment we meet two couples on a double date in their 1980s fashions while a totally 1980s song plays in the background. As they walk home after seeing a horror movie, they are jumped by muscle head zombies and taken to a mad scientist’s facility, where rich old people buy hot young bodies for him to transplant their brains in. The Golden Girls tried something similar in Rose’s dream once…

One of the cute guys on the date wakes up and spends the rest of the movie on a rescue mission to save his friends from the scientist’s evil clutches. He battles burly zombie men and mad scientist assistants, and even enlists the help of an old lady who poses as a prospective client to infiltrate the facility.

With gory brain and body swaps and a neon green hypodermic right out of Re-Animator, this is silly 80s horror bliss and definitely my favorite of this foursome from 89.

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Something queer is going on…or is it?

This handful of films has or supposedly has a queer bent, and a couple of them were brought to my attention by my readers, which I always appreciate. So do these four land on my does the gay guy die? page? Let’s find out.

DANIEL ISN’T REAL (2019)

I include this one from the director of Some Kind of Hate on this list only because I heard murmurings of gay vibes between the lead Luke and his imaginary friend Daniel. I just want to make it clear that I personally didn’t interpret it as homoerotic at all, and I think it is seriously time to stop desperately reading gay into every horror movie and actually watch gay horror movies or read gay horror fiction if you want your horror gay.

Having said that, I feel that Daniel Isn’t Real is a horror version of Drop Dead Fred with a good dose of Hellraiser Cenobites thrown in to intensify the horror.

Mary Stuart Masterson is back from the eighties and plays Luke’s mentally ill mother. When he’s a child she makes him lock his troublemaking imaginary friend in a doll house.

As a twenty something, Luke resurrects Daniel (played by Schwarzenegger’s son), who pushes him to be mischievous. For instance, in class Daniel removes his shirt…to reveal he is covered in answers to the test Luke is taking, not to turn him on.

He also pushes Luke to get with a girl. When it finally happens, that jealous look on Daniel’s face? Not gay. It’s because he realizes he can lose his friend Luke to this girl. Therefore he begins to sabotage that, first by taking over Luke’s body and fucking another girl. So not gay.

Then Daniel’s dark side comes out and he turns murderous, doing some freaky melding with Luke’s body to take care of business, which is not an uncommon theme in horror films (think Elm Street 2—the most homophobic, not homoerotic horror film ever).

Add to that the Cenobite type demons that terrorize Luke, and there really are some great horror scenes here, which elevates the film above an otherwise cliché plot.

THE DINNER PARTY (2020)

From Miles Doleac, the director of Hallowed Ground, this is a fairly predictable film that suffers from a waaaaaaay tooooo looooong running time.

A playwright comes to dinner at a mansion of pretentious artsy types in hopes of getting his career off the ground. In typical mainstream film fashion, it seems like a gay couple is throwing the party, but the most they share is a touch on the chest.

So to be honest, unless I was too busy wishing the film were gayer to hear any blatant references to their status, I can’t guarantee they’re supposed to be gay other than some stereotypical mannerisms. Meanwhile, the lesbianism in the film begins with a woman completely naked and ends with a lesbian kiss, and all women involved are of the lipstick variety. I’m going to guess Miles Doleac is straight…

Anyway, there’s almost an hour of talking around the table, with all the guests being bitchy and telling disturbing tales, plus there’s a bit of dabbling in a sort of Tarot card reading session. Through all of it, we learn mostly nothing about anyone. So much for using that hour to at least develop characters.

Suddenly (52 minutes in) the shit hits the fan, and this plays out like a high society version of the dinner scene from The Texas a Chainsaw Massacre…and simultaneously feels like an indie film company trying to make its own version of Ready Or Not.

JACK GOES HOME (2016)

Indie actor Thomas Dekker directs this semi-horror flick that has plenty of creepy situations suggesting something sinister or supernatural going on. However, this is more of a psychological horror and character study in the tradition of movies like Jacob’s Ladder. In other words, is the character really experiencing and seeing the things he thinks he is or is he just losing his mind?

Rory Culkin stars as a man who comes back home after his father passes in a car accident. Rory seems callous, uncaring, and aloof with his mother, played with detached, post-traumatic distance by Lin Shaye.

Their scene together at the dinner table alone is uncomfortable and compelling.

Rory discovers some cassettes and video tapes that hint at something dark from his family’s past, and his mother warns him not to go in the attic.

As Rory ponders life and his family’s dirty secrets, he becomes friends with the pretty gay boy next door, but it’s a contentious relationship and Rory is kind of a dick to him, even tossing some slurs his way at one point. But just like everything else in this film, the question of sexuality is at the forefront yet never fully developed or tied in to any concrete explanation as to what is going on. Still, this is the first film in this bunch that deserves a spot on the does the gay guy die? page for having a clearly openly gay character and gay situations.

There are some incredibly eerie moments, and Rory is even terrorized a few times by some ominous figures, but like I said, none of it ever comes together or makes any tangible sense. Despite some major developments along the way, we are left never knowing what was real and what was only in his grieving mind.

THE UNTAMED (2016)

It isn’t often that I have the patience for a slow burn, but just like Jack Goes Home, Spanish film The Untamed is hauntingly compelling…not to mention it has major sexual and homosexual themes.

Most significantly, it’s about oppression of sexuality in traditional Spanish family life, and it’s quite tragic even beyond its sci-fi creature feature aspects.

But be warned, after a sexually horrific opening of a woman being pleasured by “something” in a cabin, it’s not until an hour later that the creature really comes out to play. When it does, it is handled with such restraint yet so much dark eroticism that it’s quite icky.

Basically, a woman is trapped in a strained marriage, unaware that her husband is fucking her gay brother—in a good sex scene that even presents versatility between the two men!

Now that’s how you do gay in your horror. Because of its heavy focus on a gay character and a self-loathing, homophobic gay character, this one is going to get an honorary spot on my homo horror movies page.

A young woman befriends the brother and then sister and convinces both siblings that neither of them needs the husband…because great pleasures await in the cabin. Eek!

The film can really be read in a variety of ways, depending on how you want to interpret it. Either it’s suggesting that repressing our sexuality and sexual desires can lead us to do monstrous things or it could be saying that giving into our sexual desires and not leading a clean, “normal”, God-focused family life can have disastrous consequences. Viewer discretion decides.

The omnisexual sci-fi elements of the film remind me quite a bit of the film Harvest Lake. My only real gripe is that despite having a graphic gay sex scene between two human men, it’s only implied that the brother has a sexual encounter with the life form in the cabin in the middle of the film. It would have helped to present visual hints of his visit (like the opening scene with a girl) to offer a midway tease of what was yet to come, for a good chunk of the film plays out like a family drama without any promise of the horror on the horizon.

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They’re not your everyday 1980s horror films

Every time I think I’ve covered just about all the horror the 1980s had to offer, some lost films resurface. So let’s take a look at The Nesting, The Strangeness, Beaks, and Dream Demon.

THE NESTING (1981)

Before there was Girl On the Third Floor there was this mess of a haunted whorehouse movie.

An agoraphobic female author finally goes outside and comes upon a unique, isolated house she simply must live in. She doesn’t listen when the handyman tells her she should reconsider.

Once nestled all snug in her new home, she begins having creepy dreams about being assaulted by sleazy men. She hears noises. She’s afraid to go outside—yet not afraid to climb out a window onto a ledge in a very weird scene that leads to a death.

She argues with the handyman and he gets his ass beat by supernatural forces. She gets surrounded by female ghosts. She somehow ends up being chased in her car by a psychotic dude. She has some confrontations with John Carradine, because that just happened in movies back then.

And she has one of the weirdest final encounters with the ghosts after learning the truth of what happened at the whorehouse in the past. A disaster, but who cares, because it’s the 80s, baby!

THE STRANGENESS (1985)

This is definitely bottom of the 1980s creature feature barrel. After an initial “what we don’t see is sometimes scarier” opening, we watch for over an hour as a group of assessors explore tunnels in a gold mine.

Nothing. Happens. For. Over. An. Hour.

Not even the 80s Euro horror style music can make this any more interesting.

When the first victim finally gets grabbed by the monster in the tunnel, the mine is suddenly drenched in red lighting. O…kay.

There are some cool scenes of bodies trapped in some goo on the ceiling but…the monster. The claymation monster. What a disaster.

Its jerky movement in the horror lighting could have been creepy actually, but unfortunately, the one time we see it attack a man, the man is also claymation. Seriously, it’s like watching Mr. Bill get attacked by a cave creature. Oh noooooooo!

I’m kind of convinced that’s a Han Solo Star Wars figure…

BEAKS (1987)

This one escaped me and my video store in the 1980s and couldn’t even get recognized as The Birds II, a title some other movie claimed in 1994.

This mess not only steals numerous scenes from The Birds, but it is like a touring company of birds on a plane, on a train, in a house, and even on a parasailing woman.

The lead girl from Waxwork is a reporter covering in-your-face stories of nature striking back in the way of bird attacks. This movie doesn’t even try being subtle about its message. The reporter travels all over to interview people who have suffered from bird attacks, like having their eyes plucked out.

Christopher Atkins is her cameraman and somehow he looks more like a boy than he did five years before in The Pirate Movie and seven years before in The Blue Lagoon.

That’s basically it. They travel around interviewing bird attack victims and “doves” keep attacking people. Most of it looks like stock footage of pigeons being dicks in Central Park in New York City, but I have to admit the close-up attack scenes are vicious and gory.

DREAM DEMON (1988)

While not shying away from gore, Dream Demon is one of the more heavy-handed horror flicks of the 1980s.

Initially it feels like an episode of Freddy’s Nightmares—virtually every moment of horror in the film is a trippy dream sequence the main character is having.

She’s about to marry a handsome, prestigious military man. She is hounded by two reporters—total pricks who are absolutely awful to her. She’s just moved into a new home. And she drags her cool friend into her nightmares, which are riddled with violent and bloody situations that all point to repressed memories and distrust of men.

It’s not exactly the most subtle presentation of female issues, but it does add dimension beyond the Freddy nightmare concept of a main girl believing that anytime someone dies in her dreams, it happens in real life.

There are plenty of religious themes, including symbols of heaven and hell, but by the time she’s running around trying to protect a little blonde girl in her dreams at the end, I once again felt like I was watching A Nightmare on Elm Street sequel, and was just waiting for the little girl to start jumping rope and singing the Freddy’s coming for you song.

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STREAM QUEEN: get me out of this place!

A prison, a hospital, a derelict high rise building, a house in the woods. Zombies, a crazed killer, a masked killer, a demon. So which of these four films Left me terrified with claustrophobia? Let’s take a look.

YUMMY (2020)

I really needed a movie like this to reinvigorate my love for the zombie subgenre. It combines gore, great atmosphere, and campy, sometimes naughty comedy with over the top situations to create a zombie film that’s familiar yet fresh…and a nonstop thrill ride.

A boyfriend brings his girlfriend to a hospital for a breast reduction, which gets some good comic mileage as we meet the cast of characters: the main girl’s overbearing mother, the ditzy older doctor, a fat dude getting liposuction, a junkie player hospital worker, etc.


Look who popped in for a bite…

It doesn’t take long for the gnarly zombie action to start, and once it does it never stops.

It’s gory, wacky, icky, funny, and suspenseful as the group goes through a myriad of zombie movie tropes as well as some unexpected situations.


Not even if I were a zombie…

This is definitely one of my favorite new zomcoms and I hope it gets a physical release so I can add it to my collection.

COMEDOWN (2012)

This is one of those slashers that make it hard to feel anything for the group of kids because they’re all a bunch of hooligans.

They sneak into an abandoned high-rise building to hang out, play music, and do drugs. But someone else is in the building with them, making it reminiscent of See No Evil.

Kid drama and cheap scares abound, so it takes a while to get the killing going. Once it does, there are some brutal death scenes, plus one mini chase scene highlighting a girl who fights back big time.

Not much is explained in terms of the killer. We don’t learn why he keeps one victim alive and trapped in a cage…or is that simply an overturned shopping cart?

We don’t know why he’s killing, or if there’s any reason at all. We don’t learn why part of his face is fucked up.

But after a good battle with the final boy—yay, it’s a final boy!—the ending is very timely at a moment when Black Lives Matters is bringing to light the injustices against people of color.

AGAINST THE NIGHT (2017)

A combo of third person and found footage POV, this film sees a bunch of kids getting bored while at a party and then deciding to enter an old abandoned prison to hunt for signs of ghosts.

In typical found footage form, they split up and explore the prison, but damn the setting is creepy. The green night vision light adds to the tense atmosphere, but I found the third person perspective even more frightening, because the film goes for realism in terms of just how damn dark a place like that would be with absolutely no lights at night.

After the routine found footage nonsense is out of the way, this turns into a claustrophobic slasher! The kids are chased and hacked up by someone in a hazmat mask, and the kill and chase sequences get better as the film progresses.

However, I have to say, the final frame is a total surprise, and I have no idea what it meant. It felt oddly like a nod to Lovecraft.

HOUSE OF DEMONS (2018)

It’s movies like this that remind me I’m too ADHD for “smart horror.” This is simply a mess of trippy, convoluted, disjointed scenes and flashbacks as a group of friends hangs out in a cabin once inhabited by a crazy cult.

I guess the characters are facing their inner demons after a car accident that left one of their friends brain dead. It also seems like the do the time warp to witness the exploits of the cult from 1969.

One girl is visited by the cute neighbor, who turns out to be the leader of the cult from the sixties and the physical manifestation of a creepy demon that is coming for them (I think).

The demon is really the best part, and Amber Benson of Buffy fame has a non-speaking part as a member of the death cult.

I personally found it confusing and boring, which made it even more confusing because I couldn’t focus on it.

 

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PRIME TIME: my kind of chick flicks

It’s a double feature of horror flicks loaded with nasty women! Let’s take a look at SheBorg and All Girls Weekend.

ALL GIRLS WEEKEND (2016)

The director of Hazmat delivers an oddly compelling slow burn movie about a bunch of girls trekking into the woods and not being stalked and killed by a masked psycho. How refreshing.

I would describe All Girls Weekend as a low key mix of Evil Dead meets The Blair Witch Project in terms of the look and feel. The film stars prolific scream queen Jamie Bernadette.

I’ve covered many of her films, so it was time to make a spot for her on my wicked women page. Here she leads the charge as a group of female friends heads into the woods for a getaway…in the winter! Director Lou Simon definitely went out of her way to find some fantastic locations to shoot this one.

This is one of those films in which the group begins to walk in circles, and that aspect carries a little too much weight.

However, the film throws enough little traumatic situations at the girls to keep up the momentum and keep us wondering what is going on—such as one girl wiping with a leaf after she pees and getting a rash! Ew!

She was one of my faves in the group and I’d love to see the actress in more horror as well.

The most compelling part is the occasional blowing of a supernatural wind through the trees that sounds like whispering voices.

And that aspect moves to the forefront as the truth unfolds as to what is going on. It’s a pretty cool concept and I think this little indie handles it quite well.

SHEBORG (2016)

 

An alien cyborg woman comes to earth, and a couple of punk girls just trying to free some caged pups must battle against her and the humans she makes into her minions.

It feels both indie at times, yet surprisingly visually sophisticated with some of the early SheBorg scenes, but the treasure here is the girls.

I imagine these ladies are actual stunt women, because they have a blast kicking ass and doing some pretty major stunts. They are also quite funny and campy.

You also get loads of gore, flesh-eating, and green slime that makes the cyborgs melt.

While it might be a girl power flick, this one is right up my big gay alley.


Dude, you went at that from the wrong direction.

Speaking of, more than one dude gets anally probed.

There’s a horde of shirtless SheBorg minion dudes during a major battle scene.

and the brother of one of the main girls is not only funny, he’s a sexy stud when the shirt comes off! This is definitely one for my stud stalking page.

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STREAM QUEEN: gettin’ witchy with it

I’m always up for a good witch bitch in a horror movie, so let’s find out if the witches in these three films cast a spell over me.

GHOST IN THE GRAVEYARD (2019)

This one immediately caught my eye because we used to play Ghost in the Graveyard on my block during the summer. It’s an awesome game in which the person who is “it” has to hide, then everyone must look for them. The person that finds them has to scream out “ghost in the graveyard!”, which is the signal for everyone else to run to home base before the ghost can get them.

It’s such a great game when played in the dark utilizing an entire street, but it really sux when you’re at one corner and someone finds the ghost at the far corner, because you then have to race to the home base steps in the middle of the block before the ghost can intercept you.

While failing to really explain the game, the movie still starts strong. Children are playing the game in an actual graveyard when something awful happens…something that will haunt them a decade later. It kind of made me wish something awful had happened when we played on my street so we could be haunted by something during a block reunion today.

Anyway, that seems to be the premise, but this movie quickly veers completely away from the game having any relevance whatsoever. Instead we get a witchy woman hunting down the main girl and her family, led by Jake Busey. When he gives a speech to his son about a battle between good and evil they must fight to save his sister, I really lost interest, although there is one awesome visual moment in the graveyard where the battle takes place. Plus, actress Maria Olsen who has a substantial horror resume, plays a witch like nobody’s business.

A RESURRECTION (2013)

Pumpkinhead meets Pet Sematary meets Sometimes They Come Back in a supernatural horror film that starts as a slow burn then amps up to a frenzied suspense flick. There are plenty of familiar faces on hand, including Devon Sawa of Final Destination fame, Mischa Barton, and Michael Clarke Duncan.

A bullied boy believes that a witch has cast a spell to bring back his brother, who was killed in a hit and run. So when the boy gets trapped in the school with his bullies, it is the golden opportunity for his brother’s spirit to come do some soul searching!

Despite the obvious concept, the film manages to keep us guessing—are there really supernatural forces at play, or is someone killing off the small group of people trapped in the school?

There are some good scares, tense atmosphere, and surprisingly gory moments. However, there is one aspect of the film that isn’t quite clarified enough, and the hubba hubba and I had to talk it out for five minutes after the film ended to make sense of it.

THE HAG OF BLACK HOWE MOOR (2008)

I won’t deny that because it’s so rare to see it, blatant use of a witch that looks like she could start cackling and stirring her cauldron at any second always scores extra points with me.

The setup is simple. Some guys get stuck on the side of the road and a group of girls picks them up. They make a pit (and piss) stop in the wrong place, and once they’re back on the road some seriously freaky shit starts happening, including one of the best scenes, involving a girl and a dead sheep.


Haggy likes the heinies!

The meat of the movie has the group trapped in a derelict cottage being terrorized by the awesome hag. The problem is, they’re basically stuck in a single space experiencing one terror attack after another, and it just feels like watching kids reactions in a goofy haunted house attraction.

That part I could have lived with in all its low budget glory, but…ugh. There’s also a flashback period piece segment showing the hag being tried back for witchcraft in the old days. It feels even cheesier than the rest of the film, however it most definitely ups the witch theme cred of the film.

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When slashers come at you in threes

Okay, maybe they didn’t come at me. I went looking for them, because I was due for a slasher fix. Let’s see if Abandoned Souls, The Man in the Maze, and KILD TV did the trick.

ABANDONED SOULS (2010)

This film begins in a grisly, gritty prison run by guards wearing hazmat masks with sores on their faces…not that is ever explained or has any impact on the rest of the film despite this scene being pretty substantial in length.

We then meet a couple who takes a group of people the boyfriend doesn’t like to the main girl’s hometown to stay in a cottage for the weekend. Fun.

There’s an urban legend about a nearby island on which a hermit lived in an old shack, and if you went and knocked on the door, he would knock back.

So…these grown ass adults jump in a boat and locate the shack. They knock on the door, someone knocks back, they run back to their boat, and it has floated off. Seems like a great start of a horror flick, but it also feels like this whole damn thing might be a setup.

 Within minutes they’re fighting, one guy gets called a faggot, and one guy hits another guy in the head with a rock. What the fuck? Why do these people hang out together?

We learn through flashbacks that there’s a search for an escaped prisoner known as the feral man. Does he have whatever the prison guards had at beginning? We don’t know. The plot is almost good (and reminded me of Hide & Go Shriek a little), but there are way too many convenient coincidences as a catch is thrown in at the end that causes nothing to make sense. At all. Like the deformed prison guards…

THE MAN IN THE MAZE (2011)

The odd structure of this indie film really messes with the pacing. The only thing that kept me watching for quite a while is that the leading man is so damn sexy with a tight bod!


Need a hand…or a tongue?

We are thrust immediately into a serious situation—a group of victims in the woods is at the mercy of a killer with a bandaged head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They overpower him then spend a huge chunk of the film just walking and talking as they try to escape the maze-like woods.

One guy is all freaked out that Doogie Howser is a homo, they talk about an old shamanic legend, and finally there’s a good jump scare when the hottie goes to take a piss.

There’s also some intrigue. The hottie discovers there’s a double of him roaming around the woods! I’d take two of him over-easy any day.

It all has something to do with an old tale of Native Americans having their land stolen by evil white men.

This truly is an odd film.

KILD TV (2016)

It’s yet another odd film that’s sort of good for a while but falls flat by the end.

There’s plenty of setup—a group of people works at a television station. At night they do an over-the-top horror host show. So when one of them turns up dead in the media room and the small night crew discovers they can’t get out of the building, they try to plea to their audience to call the police.

Meanwhile, they all agree to stick together…then immediately separate. Many of the kills happen off screen and we just see the aftermath, we never see a killer, and there’s one standout kill that is brutal and gory. There’s also a gratuitous tit scene…which also features a gratuitous guy in a Speedo!

There’s a whodunit angle with them all assuming someone in their group is the killer, but the denouement and killer reveal are the weakest part.

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I’ve had it with these motherfucking demons on this motherfucking plane!

I’m a fan of most of the movies by Chad Ferrin, director of Unspeakable, The Ghouls, Easter Bunny, Kill, Kill!, Someone’s Knocking at the Door, and The Chair, so when I learned he’d done a horror comedy called Exorcism at 60,000 Feet, it was an automatic blind buy.

Basically, it’s Airplane meets Repossessed, so if you’re into that kind of silly, slapstick comedy (from 4 decades ago—damn I’m old), you’ll love this one.

Campy, crude, and loaded with iconic names in horror, this fun flick begins with a priest exorcising Bill Moseley and then getting on a plane.

Next we meet the crazy crew and passengers.

Lance Henriksen is the pilot, Kevin J. O’Connor is the copilot, and Little Matthew Moy (Han from Two Broke Girls) is one of the hilarious flight attendants. However, veteran actress Bai Ling steals the show as the other attendant, although some might find her stereotypical Asian portrayal for laughs tired, not “woke”.

Passengers include two nuns, a rabbi, a muscle head, a slut, a hippy chick and her cute, horny husband, Adrienne Barbeau as a woman with very unique service dog, and Kelli Maroney of Night of the Comets as a woman who treats her adult little person son as a child.

The demon the priest exorcised is unleashed and begins to possess one person after another with comic results, often offensive, just as I like it. Hell, there’s nun on nun and rabbi on priest kissing. 

There are also plenty of horror movie references for fans of the genre, making this a goodie for your horror movie party night.

 

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STREAM QUEEN: summer is here, so it’s cabin in the woods time

Everyone is heading to that house in the middle of nowhere, all for different reasons. So let’s take a look at The Ranger, Come to Daddy, Captured, and The 6th Friend.

THE RANGER (2018)

In the tradition of The Stepfather and The Dentist, it’s The Ranger!

Teens at a punk rock concert flee when the place is raided, and then head to a cabin in the woods that belonged to main girl’s dead uncle.

The problem with a good chunk of this movie is that the five main kids are such pieces of shit you don’t care about any of them. Even the gay couple spooning together adorably isn’t enough to make you root for the pair to survive.

Not to mention, they’re an interracial gay couple in a slasher. How long do you really think they will survive? Either way, it lands this movie on my does the gay guy die? page.

The ranger’s kills are the most fun here, because they’re nice and gory.

The ranger’s lines aren’t quite as campy as they could be, but he is one creepy looking dude, and he sings Charlie Rich’s 1970s hit “The Most Beautiful a Girl” between kills. And by the end of the film, he is fricking craaaaaazy.

Shockingly, Larry Fessenden has a minor role in the film.

COME TO DADDY (2019)

Eh. This one got a lot of hype, but it goes from serious and boring as hell for exactly the first half, completely shifts tone to darkly comic with a great twist, and then becomes an absolute mess. And honestly, it’s not much of a horror movie, IMO.

Elijah Wood comes to the home of his estranged father after getting a letter from him. They have a lot of conversation to catch up, and then things go really wrong between them once again.

The surprise turn of events promises a much more intriguing film.

It sets Elijah on an unexpected, dangerous journey that had so many places to go, but instead it just goes to a sleazy hotel and feels more like a movie about falling in with the wrong crowd . What a disappointment.

CAPTURED (2020)

It’s a rock band documentary found footage slasher movie. I was expecting the usual rocker horror comedy, especially after the cool, animated intro set to an instrumental rock track. I always welcome the campy rock n’ roll slasher, but I was pleasantly surprised that this was instead a serious film with dark and grainy footage.

After interviews with some groupies/fans, the band heads to the female lead singer’s childhood farmhouse to make a music video.

Damn, the guys are sexy in this band…

Once they get to the farmhouse, the main girl begins acting uncomfortable, especially when objects and memories of her past start surfacing—particularly a mysterious mask.

Cue the killings! Once they start, it’s a thrill ride that is presented pretty dang effectively for a found footage slasher. The killer motivation is a little unexpected and off the wall, but at least it’s a bit different than the usual.

THE 6TH FRIEND (2016)

It’s rather refreshing to see a cabin in the woods slasher that consists entirely of females, but it is rather odd how flippantly and crassly this group of friends deals with female PTSD.

Once the girls gather at the cabin, we learn that the main girl is still struggling to get past something they all experienced five years before. She has nightmares and flashbacks about a masked man she believes is coming for them.

There’s a bit too much chatter, including a scene in which the girls have a shouting conversation through bedroom walls. I can’t comprehend how anyone would think a scene like this works.

Anyway, the film does finally become a somewhat exciting slasher, with the girls being chased and killed. It’s cool that this bunch of girls fights back, and there’s even a funny scene in which one girl gets heat for choosing a frying pan as a weapon.

Plenty of female drama and even a bizarre take on the pseudo celebrity of reality TV play into the plot as the girls fight to the death to survive. It’s definitely a good girl power ending, but I have a feeling most viewers will figure this one out before the big reveal.

 

 

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