STREAM QUEEN: zomvamps, a dream boogeyman, and killer cowboys

Two out of three ain’t bad in this triple feature of newer streaming titles. So let’s find out which I felt was the odd man out.

DAYLIGHT’S END (2016)

The original I Am Legend was the beginning of a tradition that blurred the lines between vampires and zombies. The novel was more vampire in tone, with the feeders only able to come out at night—a theme picked up in the movie adaptation The Last Man On Earth, yet the story was also the inspiration for Romero’s Night of the Living Dead, which felt oddly similar to The Last Man On Earth.

Daylight’s End walks that fine line. The feeders in this film are called zombies in the description, however, they only come out at night and burn up in the sun.

When we meet our megahunk at the beginning, it actually feels like I Am Legend…until he meets up with other people. But first we jump right into the creature action. The main hottie fries a vamp, fights vamps, gets shirtless, saves a girl from a gang, and joins her group, which includes Lance Henriksen and Louis Mandylor.

The plot is as standard—and similar to a video game—as it gets (there’s even a boss vamp). The survivors need to stay alive while fighting off vamps, try to come up with a plan to escape their prison (they’re literally staying in a prison), and argue over what the right plan is. They argue way too long about it.

Yes, in the middle of wicked vamp action, the movie screeches to a halt to waste too much time dishing out the usual group dynamic dialogue. 15 minutes should have been shaved off this hour and 45-minute movie, and by that I mean most of the dialogue.

It does pick back up big time in the final act, so it’s totally worth a watch, but just be prepared to be bored for a while in the middle.

SLEEP NO MORE (2017)

Sleep No More comes from the director of Dead Awake, which is one of those movies I know I’ve seen but remember nothing about beyond the poster art and the general sleep paralysis theme. I’ll most likely have the same struggle with Sleep No More in a few months.

It’s set in the 80s. College students are working with an experimental sleep drug that takes their minds to a whole different reality. They begin having hallucinations of a boogeyman. Freddy Krueger on Flatliners Street?

Sleep No More exemplifies what makes so many horror movies, even those clearly with a bit more of a budget than the average indie, ineffectual these days. They try to create multiple layers instead of simply focusing on one good vs. one evil. And I’m not talking just throwing in crazy shit that is somehow ridiculously entertaining, as in Euro horror of the 80s. I mean randomly branching plot points that never quite feel like they stem from the same damn tree trunk. As a result we are left with way too much going on, none of it ever really coming together. And most importantly, any attempts at scares have absolutely no effect because we don’t actually know what we are supposed to be afraid of.

I simply could not stay fixated on this mess of bickering students that all seem to be having entirely different experiences. Most disappointing, we never get to see what could have been the one concrete thing holding it all together—the boogeyman. We just get shadows, smoke, flickers of promise, and warped lens effects.

Even the attempt at setting it in the 80s fails. Sure, we get to hear “Cruel Summer”, “Hungry Like the Wolf”, “Two Divided by Zero”, and “Der Kommissar”. We see a Commodore 64 and an Atari 2600. A guy watches a slasher on VHS. But none of that can convince anyone who grew up in the 80s that this takes place in the 80s. The film quality looks modern and that alone spoils the tone. The kids look and act like they’re from the current day, which is a complete time capsule fail for me.

I originally hesitated to put Sleep No More in my watchlist because I imagined it was going to be the exact disappointment it is. I want more out of my horror than I get here.

LASSO (2018)

For some reason I expected this to be about supernatural cowboys, but I think that is actually another movie I saw on SyFy at some point.

Lasso features real murderous cowboys that target a bus load of tourists after a rodeo show (be warned, there’s a brutal scene during the rodeo with a horse that gets hurt).

We eventually find out why the cowboys are so evil, and it is absolutely ridiculous, but you just have to go with it because the movie is a total joyride of brutal gore and violence.

Plus, some chick dresses like she’s in the Madonna “Music” video…

This film goes beyond just horror in an understated, crucial way. The “final” group is like nothing you’ve ever seen before.

There’s the usual final girl, but she is overshadowed by several other unique characters: an amazingly strong and determined elderly lady character; a gender non-specified rodeo worker whose gender is actually questioned at one point (are they a man or woman?); and the main boy, who is not the usual tough guy hero, but is quite fragile and scared even as he struggles to fight back.

Having us root for this unexpected crew is incredibly refreshing, and those who make horror flicks with the usual stereotypical characters should take note.

On top of that, Sean Patrick Flanery kicks ass as a surviving rodeo contestant without all his limbs.

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STREAM QUEEN: a killer harvest season

From scarecrows to masked Halloween killers, I’m always up for a marathon of movies celebrating my favorite time of year, and this one gave me a few to add to the complete holiday horror list. But are these four worth watching?

CARVER (2015)

This little indie is your basic Halloween party slasher with a fun holiday setup. It all begins when an unfriendly competition between kids entering a pumpkin carving competition ends in tragedy.

Gets my vote for a cool way to start a Halloween slasher.

15 years later, a bunch of teens is preparing for a Halloween party. But beforehand, they each find a carved pumpkin on their steps.

Soon, they begin to suspect the impossible…someone is back for revenge. That doesn’t stop them from having the party anyway!

It’s your typical formula as kids are slashed left and right, but certain things standout. There’s a virtual clone of Laurie’s piano theme from Halloween whenever a girl is walking alone. There’s a high body count. The killer is a festive pumpkin head grim reaper.

Every kill consists of a slash of one part of the body that results in a geyser of blood. There’s a funny dance montage at the party. The boys in the group are adorable.

And finally, there’s quite an indulgent back story by the killer at the end of the film.

THE HARVESTERS (2017)

I feel like I can’t really give an opinion about this film as a horror movie, because it just doesn’t feel like one to me. Instead of thrills and chills, it’s mostly an investigation drama with way too much talking.

A reporter who returns to her hometown on Halloween ends up embroiled in a series of missing person cases.

Starting with the opener, there are a few creepy moments that could have set the tone for a horror film with some great scares.

Unfortunately, the movie opts not to focus on the evil that has come to town or on the victims being terrorized, but instead on the people affected by the disappearances.

It just didn’t hold my attention, which isn’t surprising considering a masked figure doesn’t appear until 65 minutes in.

The highlight for me was delicious Adam Hampton of Gremlin. His flavor knows no bounds.

SCARECROWS (2017)

This one delivers a somewhat original concept in the realm of scarecrow movies…although it does sort of remind me of the film Husk.

It begins with two guys and two girls looking for a watering hole near a cornfield. It’s subtly silly as they go on their journey, the kids add to the charm, the movie is obsessed with blow jobs, and the hot boy shows off his ass.

It’s so refreshing to see a horror movie mimicking the days of over-sexed slashers.

Prepare for a shift in tone halfway through the film. Suddenly, it becomes all chases and torture porn!

The kids are soon divided, conquered, and dragged to the lair of a farmer with a scythe.

While the torture isn’t excessively graphic, the screams of the kids fill in the blanks viciously.

Plus, the final girl gets a long, suspenseful, and atmospheric chase through the cornfield. I was definitely entertained throughout.

CURSE OF THE SCARECROW (2018)

Sometimes an indie director gets a chain of projects going that intrigues me, even if there’s nothing groundbreaking presented. That’s the case with Louisa Warren, who delivers another basic scarecrow slasher, but has a series of follow-ups on the way—including crossovers of her own series.

The legend of the scarecrow presented at the beginning of this film is fun because it taps into an old school gothic story vibe, even if the plot takes place in present day.

A young woman who is convinced she saw her parents slaughtered by a scarecrow as a child is brought back to the farm where it happened by her therapist for a session that, well…goes horribly wrong.

Naturally the plot is an excuse to have young people running around a barn being chased by a killer scarecrow, and that’s fine with me. The kills are the best part, because the plot isn’t particularly engrossing, and there’s nothing to really love about the characters. They’re just sort of there because movies need characters.

The kills are effective, delivering chills, suspense, atmosphere, eerie music, and chases. Just don’t expect any blood. This is not a gore flick at all. But despite its drawbacks, I still want to check out the upcoming movies in the series.

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STREAM QUEEN: teens in trouble

This mini marathon of flix about kids in peril offers a variety of subgenres, but are any of them worth a watch?

ROADSIDE MASSACRE (2012)

If you’re itching for a backwoods cannibal family slasher but feel like you’ve seen them all,  you still might feel like you’ve seen them all as you watch Roadside Massacre.

Kids road trip through a rural area. They have a convo with an attendant at a gas station. They make a pit stop at a restaurant that is actually run by a family of cannibals using people for meat.

This is the usual case of an aspiring filmmaker essentially just making a copycat of some favorite horror classics (hint: the original title of the film was The Texas Roadside Massacre). However, a) there is one aspect concerning what happens to certain victims that is unique, and b) the film is competently made with some effective scenes, plus likable characters and actors that do a decent job.

The well thought out sequences here make this feel like more than just another low budget hack job, but considering the subject matter, there’s no blood, gore, or grisly scenes. Also, the film is moving along pretty smoothly for a while, but then falls into a repetitive rut of the main girl being captured, escaping, running, and being captured again.

I think the problem is that even with the film running (smartly) just over 80 minutes long, the number of victims is limited, so the cannibals just ran out of things to do!

CRUSH (2013)

No, it’s not The Crush with Alicia Silverstone, but it’s the same kind of fatal attraction, giving it that old 90s thriller vibe.

Lucas Till of MacGyver is the main boy.

His girlfriend is Sarah Bolger of The Lazarus Effect. The weird girl at school who seems obsessed with him is Crystal Reed of Teen Wolf. And even Leigh Whannell of Saw makes an appearance.

This one seems as basic as can be. Weird girl acts weird, people close to main boy start getting hurt.

It even has a mini Misery section. Nothing suspenseful, scary, or gory here. However, it’s the fun little twists near the end that make it stand out from the pack.

DEADLY DETENTION (2017)

I purposely watched this one on Netflix because I heard it was horrible. It managed to defy the odds of me always loving what everyone else hates, because it was awful.

The most obvious group of kids (the bitch, the religious freak and black dude rolled into one, the pretty boy, the outsider edgy girl, the goody goody girl, the geek) gets bused to detention…at an old prison. Holy tough love.

They meet their icy principal there, she locks them in a room, and then we get a bunch of clique banter right out of The Breakfast Club.

The bitch is the only salvageable aspect of this film, giving us a good dose of campy horror comedy with her lines and delivery. All the other characters are uninteresting, except the black Bible dude simply because he comes across as super gay. I can’t believe they didn’t write it into his story.

I guess this is supposed to be somewhat of a comedy slasher considering the characters’ reactions when bodies start piling up are ridiculously unconcerned. I can see why. The killer (who finally shows up 44 minutes in) is barely ominous or threatening and the deaths are tame lame. The laughable dialogue that comes over a loudspeaker threatening the kids is basically someone reciting Jigsaw’s lines from the Saw franchise.

The only good news? The bitch sticks around through the whole film to keep us entertained.

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Give it a rest…stop

Inching closer and closer to completing my goal of blogging about every horror movie in my collection (short of major horror films that have been talked to death), I’m focusing on franchises. So it’s time to take on the Rest Stop franchise, which only scored one sequel.

REST STOP (2006)

Revisiting this one for only the second time in the decade plus that it’s been in my collection, I’d say the best thing about it is the numerous wrenches thrown into an otherwise generic plot.

A young woman runs away from home with her boyfriend, and after an awesome sex scene you just don’t see in horror anymore, they take a pee break at a rest stop.

But when the girl comes out of the bathroom, her boyfriend is gone, and so is their car.

Then an unseen nut in a pickup truck starts to terrorize her. She’s in the middle of nowhere, so it’s a cat and mouse game around the rest stop bathroom and a small parks office.

To complicate matters, a few equally terrorized people show up, which adds a body count, and even Joey Lawrence scores a role in the film.

But the most gruesome scenes come through flashbacks and conveniently accessible videos of the killer torturing victims.

There’s one thing that makes this film stand out—the psycho family in an RV that the main girl encounters, whose matriarch is the sorely overlooked horror queen Diane Salinger (Creature, Dark House, Slay Belles). Her freaky family includes her Bible thumping husband, a couple of psychosexual boy twins, and a deformed little person in a wheelchair. Awesome.

While the family’s appearance is disappointingly not a major plot point, the creators seemed to realize just how compelling they are, because the DVD includes a segment showing us exactly what goes on in their RV when no one is watching. It’s shocking to me that these creeps never got their own full-length feature. Their presence on the DVD is the only thing that made this one—originally an impulse buy—a movie that I kept in my horror collection. What solidified it remaining there was the sequel…

REST STOP: DON’T LOOK BACK (2008)

They’re not the total focus of the film, but the freaky family is back and more concisely woven into the story of the pickup truck nut.

Fully tying into the first film and the freaky family bonus material on the DVD, everything about this sequel is more entertaining—despite it making the backstory an overblown mess.

Seriously, this sequel morphs the story into a backwoods supernatural slasher ghost torture porn that even tosses in some humor. Holy shit, someone deserves a medal for pulling it off.

An absolute god back from serving our country is the brother of the boyfriend from the first movie, who is still missing.

So the god sets out with his girlfriend and goofy buddy to retrace the route his brother and girlfriend took.

Pretty soon the trio gets separated at the rest stop, where they are each terrorized by the pickup nut and the freaky family. But it gets even more insane than that.

The main girl from the first film is back but played by a pretty good look-alike. The original boyfriend is back, played by the same actor.

There’s a gross-out Porta Potty scene, a ghost fuck session, and grisly mutilation and torture in a lair.

And the final battle feels like something out of The Hills Have Eyes. This ridiculous movie saves the series, so it’s unfortunate it never got the sequel the ending promises, especially since the god’s acting career pretty much ended after this film.

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I can’t keep the truth hidden any longer

You know my basic belief—90s sequels destroy 80s classics. Well, revisiting The Hidden movies challenged everything I thought I believed…about the 90s and myself.

THE HIDDEN (1987)

In my mind this is one of the classics my favorite decade—just like every other 80s film.

 

The Hidden has an awesome alternative soundtrack, including music from The Lords of the New Church, Hunters & Collectors, Concrete Blonde, and The Truth. It’s directed by Jack Sholder, who brought us Elm Street 2, Wishmaster 2, and Alone in the Dark 1982. It stars 80s cuties Michael Nouri and Kyle MacLachlan.

And it’s one of the most uninspired, generic sci-fi horror flicks of the decade, with very little sci-fi or horror. It’s actually more action movie. In essence it’s The Terminator with a slug parasite we get to see about twice.

The parasite passes from person to person, and each person commits a bunch of crimes and murders as they go. Nouri is a cop on the case. MacLachlan is his new partner…who also happens to be an alien trying to stop the parasite.

Basically it just jumps from car chase to foot chase throughout the film, with a whole lot of shootouts and a visit to a strip club to solidify that it’s an 80s movie.

Even Danny Trejo is tossed into the mix for a second as…what else? A convict.

And this is a New Line Cinema film so a) keep an eye out for Lin Shaye and

b) it therefore should have been a better horror film.

THE HIDDEN II (1993)

You can fast forward through the first ten minutes of the sequel because it’s literally the last ten minutes of the first film. One star immediately earned because that makes this film only 80 minutes long.

A dog that leaves the scene of the first film’s conclusion now has the parasite, which gives the dog gore from The Thing a run for its money and makes this a better film than the first already.

Sure the plot is mostly the same, but the focus is on lots of slug special effects rather than shootouts. Awesome. Yes, a 90s horror sequel is actually more satisfying than the 80s original.

This time Nouri’s character appears briefly, played by another actor.

15 years haven’t been kind to Michael Nouri

Then the film focuses on his daughter, now grown, teaming up with another alien man to stop the parasite.

They even attend a rave club to solidify that this is a 90s movie…and that’s where a good chunk of sex and parasite horror takes place. Awesome.

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STREAM QUEEN: vamps, a satanic cult, and an anthology

A little gritty, a bit of humor, a bevy of horror scenarios—these may not be for the casual horror fan or those looking for CGI extravaganzas, but this trio of indie films has a little something for every hardcore horror fan.

EKIMMU: THE DEAD LUST (2017)

I really like the old school vibe of this film, even if it goes on a bit too long. Despite being low budget, it actually reminded me of Let’s Scare Jessica to Death for various reasons. Not to mention, the main guy is cute!

A couple on a dark road at night stops to help a creepy young woman in distress. They end up losing her, but after they get home, she reappears.

And then the real 1970s trippy shit begins. This young woman seems to be supernatural, and she starts to fuck with the minds of the couple and turning them against each other. And naturally, that means a lesbian shower scene.

There are also fast, choppy, eerie and disturbing clips that never quite come together in any cohesive way.

You’re never quite sure if there’s a cult, a vampire horde, or if it’s all just a series of macabre hallucinations….

What I’m saying is, you have to be a fan of surreal 1970s horror to really appreciate what the director is going for here.

GRACE’S ROOM (2016)

When a movie begins with a video store and an Asteroids arcade game, I’m in.

From there a group of friends goes to a carnival, does a bunch of meta talk about movies kids their age wouldn’t even know exist, then head to the home of one girl’s uncle to housesit.

This quick and quirky comedy (think of the days of indies like Clerks) starts off strong with a cast that knows how to deliver the humor. And it ramps up when they decide to raid the bedroom of the main girl’s teen cousin…and make some discoveries that are horrific (goat body) and hilarious (a vagina bed).

The initial chaos after they determine the cousin is into something evil is spot on horror comedy, but after they realize they’re being targeted by a satanic cult, things really start to drag and the humor just isn’t sustained. The middle of the movie could have been trimmed by a good fifteen to twenty minutes to tighten it up, because the run time is nearly an hour and forty minutes long!

Grace’s Room needed to get to the confrontation with the cousin sooner.

For a while the situation barely feels like horror, but the cousin’s appearance brings the fun and a witchy good time back to save the faltering film.

LAST AMERICAN HORROR SHOW (2018)

This trio of short films bookended by a wraparound does what we’ve come to expect from many anthologies—it delivers one story that makes the other tales virtually forgettable.

For the wraparound, scream queen Felissa Rose has a first date with horror hunk Marv Blauvelt, and suggests they watch horror movies together. Funny how in anthologies with this basic wraparound premise, the horror films only last about 15-30 minutes long…

1st story – There’s really not a lot going on here beyond this being a home invasion film that ends with violence and gore.

2nd story – The absolute winner of this anthology, this one has a definite Creepshow throwback vibe, right down to some comic book graphics during scene changes. A young boy orders some sea monkeys to raise. What could go wrong? There’s creature POV, a nasty little critter, horror queen Lynn Lowry giving a fabulously campy performance, and horror bear Joe Mannetti shirtless.

A fun interlude focusing on the wraparound features a pizza guy wearing an American Guinea Pig shirt who wants to join in on the horror action. Awesome.

3rd story – After his car breaks down, a dude walks into the wrong bar asking for help. This is like a backwoods horror flick without the woods, as he is subjected to nightmarish captivity by a hungry horde of people.

Finally, the wraparound conclusion adds some bonus horror, which is always a good thing.

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STREAM QUEEN: a double dose of the undead

This was almost a perfect double feature of new zombie films, which is hard to come by these days. Only one flaw has to be strongly overlooked for full enjoyment…

DEAD SQUAD: TEMPLE OF THE UNDEAD (2018)

I never know when I’m going to stumble upon a new favorite movie to add to my DVD collection while streaming. So I can only hope Dead Squad: Temple of the Undead becomes available on physical media.

The average star level of reviews on Prime was low, so I expected a bad SyFy quality movie when I sat down to watch this one with my hubby.

To me, Dead Squad is like the Hatchet of zombie movies. The gore, the over-the-top horror humor, the goofy characters, and the fantastic monster makeup are everything I could ask for in a party zomcom.

You know filmmakers are confident in their effects when they dare to brightly light scenes to capture every detail. I couldn’t get enough of what I was seeing here, and the filmmakers seemed to know that was the case, because once the zombies strike, it just keeps coming.

As a temple movie, Dead Squad is like the universe’s apology to me for tricking me into sitting through that atrocity The Ruins. Ugh. Ten years later and I’m still traumatized by the time lost.

After a Sin City opener (black and white with red accents) set in the mid-1900s introduces us to sinister military experiments, we meet a group of modern day pretty people that goes rafting in the jungle and ends up in an old temple.

Among the group is a guy with a rockin’ bod and a bimbo with a barking bag.

I thought the dog bag and hot boy bod were going to be the highlights, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The zombie freaks are phenomenal, the campy horror humor is delightful, the action fight scenes rule, there’s a twist at the end, and, well, there’s only one more thing I’m going to say…zomBJ…

CALL OF THE UNDEAD (2018)

I grew up on dubbed Euro horror, which was part of its charm, but the dubbing in this film is so horrendous that it mostly ruins what could otherwise be a pretty dang good zombie film.

It has all the gore, awesome zombie makeup, and perverse, nonsensical shit you could hope for in a twisted Asian horror film.

The opening scene is quite Resident Evil, with a woman waking in her car to find a city in shambles, and then being chased through a supermarket by shuffling zombies…that shuffle pretty damn fast.

There’s a mini Zombie Strippers segment with a nasty mob boss, tits, lesbianism, and of course, zombie strippers.

At this point the mob finds that the only way to survive the outbreak is to team up with the law enforcement that comes to raid the club.

Meanwhile, there’s a side story of a disgusting dude who actually looks like a zombie (I didn’t get it).

He abducts pretty young women and keeps them chained up in his basement until he’s ready to rape them.

Told you it’s fucked up. With nonstop action and great zombie sequences—plus that gross sex stuff, which is actually implied and never explicitly presented—this could be a great grindhouse flick if it weren’t for that awfully acted dubbing, which feels completely disjointed from the visual reactions of the onscreen actors. However, Call of the Undead gets bonus points for this distress signal scene…

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LGBTQ…Z?

There’s nothing like cracking open a collection of LGBTQ zombie stories and discovering a good chunk of them are by authors I know! Editor Bill Tucker’s gay zombie horror anthology gathers together 28 tales with plenty of variety in both living dead concept and LGBTQ representation. Here’s a brief teaser of each:

“Stonewall Rising” by Vince A. Liaguno – A reimagining of the night the police raided The Stonewall Inn in 1969.

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Die” by Rob Rosen – The military discovers zombies, with a twist.

“Girl World” by Lisa Morton – Two tough lesbians kill zombies…and seek revenge.

“Just the Three of Them at the End of the World” by John Grover – A trio of gay guys preparing for a drag show must escape an apartment building overrun with zombies.

“Still Rolling” by Angelia Sparrow – A lesbian’s stream of thought as she tries to save her bitten wife.

“Unrest in Cowpat” by Stephanie Kincaid – a father’s protest over his gay son’s marriage leads to a clash with zombies in this clever, humorous tale.

“To Please” by Nicholas Alexander Hayes – A changing man wants more than just sex from his partner.

“Til’ The Last Beat” by Clancy Nacht – At a time when marriage is not legal, two men seek help from a mysterious woman, who vows to bond them together eternally.

“Zombie Fiction” by David Dunwoody – Zombie fiction gets meta.

“The Cairn” by Christopher Fletcher – A man keeps his lover, who refused to go for anti-zombie treatment, chained up and undead.

“Unholy Alliance” by Ben Langhinrichs – College kids get a Biblical lesson when zombies invade their dorm.

“Eating Peaches” by Rachel Green – A gay couple starts to turn without realizing it.

“Accepting Death” by Tony Schaab – Blog entries from a gay guy who determines zombies are targeting only a specific group.

“The Duval Crawl” by David E. Chrisom – Gays stuck in a Key West bar with zombies.

“Among the Living” by JR Rodriguez – A man finds out his dead boyfriend’s parents were keeping a secret from him.

“Cocktail Conversation” by Patrick F. Murphy – A proud gay zombie poet has a one-sided conversation with the meal he’s preparing.

“Walk Through The Fire” by Jennifer R. Povey – Transgender woman and the female lover she saved tackle the zombie world.

“ZOMB-malion” by Eric Andrews-Katz – A scientist couple brings a zombie home hoping to domesticate it.

“The Dead Walk in Brooklyn: A Performance Art Piece” by Molly Rydzel – A front row seat to a zombie performance art show.

“Dead Boy Number One” by Quinn Smythwood – The tale of an actual zombie actor.

“Quickened Wood” by Nathan Sims – A warrior on the hunt for an oracle finds himself hunted by the undead.

“World Without Snow” by Jesus Morales – Lesbian love will not be thwarted by zombies.

“Sweetness” by BC Edwards – Examines how it would feel to know you were turning zombie…and how society will allow you to still exist “humanely”.

“Food Chain” by CS Stephens – A world run by zombies who keep humans as pets.

“The Quick and the Undead” by Thomas Farringer-Logan – Lesbians take on the apocalypse.

“Meatbots: A Love Story” by Timothy Capehart – Humans find a way to use the undead to use for cheap labor.

“Humans Being Humans” by Patrick D’Orazio – Gays discover things don’t really change for them even after the zombie outbreak.

“Drag Queen vs. Zombies” by MP Johnson – the title says it all.

The paperback is out of print, so if you want one you’ll have to track down a used copy, but the ebook is still available on Amazon.

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Alpha Wolf vs. The Snarling. Which one will make you howl?

I love me some hairy humor, but one of these two werewolf horror comedies failed to make me laugh until I coughed up a furball, while the other made me laugh until I lifted my leg and peed.

THE SNARLING (2018)

The concept is so much fun. A cast and crew making a zombie film in the woods start getting attacked by a werewolf. Seriously, is it possible to screw up that kind of horror comedy premise?

Even the title is fun here, so I can’t fathom what went wrong, other than what I think did, in my opinion: a) any werewolf fun was left out in exchange for endless dialogue, and b) someone seemed to think that just writing a British comedy with dialogue spoken by British actors would automatically make it British humor gold.

There is barely anything to tickle my funny bone here (not even the two gay guys). The lead character, who is supposed to be an angry pampered film star, is abrasive in his non-stop shouting.

There’s a lot of talking on set. A lot of talking at a pub. And an absurd chunk of time is filled with men reacting to an attack video they’re reviewing. And rather than funny, their comments are basically a play-by-play description of what they’re seeing…but we never get to see!

The most thrilling parts of the film? A reference to actor Danny Dyer, some references to An American Werewolf in London, and the werewolf, which gets maybe two minutes of screen time at the end and at least looks like a costume borrowed from one of the better werewolf movies, such as The Howling or Bad Moon. This probably would have worked better as a short film…or a better long film…

ALPHA WOLF (2018)

I’m a sucker for cheesy werewolf midnight movies, and Alpha Dog is the ultimate. The director of Voodoo Moon brings us a film that simply must be watched at midnight with a bunch of friends, a big bowl of popcorn, and a couple of bottles of Cherry Coke, so you can get high on caffeine and laugh at how bad it is, mostly intentionally (I think).

We see the fully Monty in the opening kill, so there are no surprises here. It’s classic furry werewolf costume stuff, and the gore looks like they picked up a slab of meat at the grocery store and poured ketchup on it.

Casper Van Dien is at his over-the-top laughable best as he comes to a cabin in the woods with his wife and dog. He’s also at his sexy ripped best.

Things get hilarious when the werewolf crashes through their window and bites Casper, who runs off and leaves the dog to defend the wife.

Ah, the dog. I can’t even tell you what happens to the dog without spoiling the brilliantly absurd plot. But I can say his acting is just as bad as everyone else’s. Me and the hubby are very sensitive to scenes of dogs being hurt in movies, but when this pup gets knocked down and lays there with a big doggy smile on his face and his tongue hanging out of his mouth, we burst into laughter.


Hey trainer, I’m playing dead! Can I get that treat now?

Other highlights include sex scenes, a naked guy who shows up at the house and doesn’t exactly speak…um…English, and the most laughable werewolf car trap scene ever, partially because it’s the only werewolf car trap scene ever.

Alpha Dog is so bad it’s too good to be on the SyFy network. It’s definitely the winner of this duo of werewolf horror comedies.

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Critters: back to the beginning

With a Critters Shudder show and a new movie for SyFy, it was the perfect time to revisit my box set of the four original films in the Critters franchise, plus the new movie. Let’s see just how bad they get as they multiply…

CRITTERS (1986)

It catapults me right back to the 80s when a movie opens with classic New Line Cinema logo that first messed up my world when A Nightmare on Elm Street came out. Naturally that means Lin Shaye also has a minor role in the film.

Critters isn’t exactly the same kind of horror movie, but it is the epitome of 80s cinema. The director of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure and Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead delivers a film that first feels like a really bad 80s sci-fi flick, suddenly feels like a genuine creature feature, and inevitably turns into a good old 80s comedy horror.

Critters has it all. Sibling rivalry between the main boy (a young Scott Grimes of Party of Five) and his older sister. Dee Wallace crying at the drop of a dime as the mother, complete with an E.T. in-joke.


Bad Cujo! Down!

And young Billy Zane as the sister’s boyfriend.

Tim Curry clone Terrence Mann, who went from starring in Cats on Broadway to starring in Critters movies for a decade as an alien bounty hunter, even gets a pop rock music video in the movie.

Most importantly there are…Critters! They’ve escaped from space and are terrorizing a family’s farmhouse. We get Critters POV. They speak in their language and we get subtitles. They grow as they eat people (we don’t really see more than their shadows when they’re big). And they do campy things that would make Gremlins envious (eating firecrackers), and copycat the Ghoulies (cooling off in a toilet).

It’s a total cheesefest and rather dated for a modern audience as a result, but it’s an amazing timepiece. Especially since…it promises a sequel!

CRITTERS 2 (1988)

Veteran horror director Mick Garris handles the second film, which is a classic 80s sequel in that it is basically more of the exact same thing with even more 80s aspects thrown in…like huge tits. I seriously don’t understand why they needed to throw huge tits in.

We also get Eugene from the Grease movies.

Scott Grimes returns, a little bit older and coming back to town to visit his grandmother for Easter. Holy crap, this is an Easter horror flick. I had absolutely no recollection of that, but it officially goes on my holiday horror page.

So this guy is selling these big, special eggs he found in his store. Grandma buys them to paint for an Easter egg hunt. You know where this is going. Easter Critters!

The Critters aren’t as funny this time, but they deliver more deaths and blood, a typical staple of 80s sequels. They also don’t grow this time, but they travel by turning into little flying furballs, which is the funniest thing they do this time around.

Terrence Mann and his bounty hunter partner are back, and a lot of the action takes place during the day this time. How else would we get to see the T&A of the new female bounty hunter that joins them…or the poor dude in an Easter bunny costume who gets Crittered in the crotch?

Lin Shaye returns with an expanded role, so she gets to fight the Critters herself, and a Freddy Krueger standee makes a cameo.

CRITTER 3 (1991)

So how do you change up a franchise when moving from the 80s to the 90s? Different location of course!

This time the Critters terrorize a rundown urban apartment building, making this a typical “apartment building terrorized by creatures” movie.

The main dad is a daddy, a young Leonardo DiCaprio is one of the leads, and the Critters shoot their porcupine needles a lot.


Just grab the stick…I promise, I’ll never let go…

They also have a kitchen raiding scene reminiscent of Gremlins 2. And the only original cast member that appears is Terrence Mann’s sidekick.

Make sure to watch the scene that plays during the closing credits, because Mann makes a short appearance, and it’s a direct setup for the next sequel.

CRITTERS 4 (1992)

When the 90s tried desperately to keep alive a horror franchise that should have been laid to rest, it ironically killed it for good…by sending it into space. Ugh. But I guess after experiencing a religious holiday on earth, the Critters needed to get back to a world of aliens…where smart people know life actually began.

Like just about every spaceship/space station horror flick ever, this is boring as fuck. And don’t tell me Alien movies are an exception, because I’ve never been able to get through one of those. Except Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem. That movie rules.

This one picks up right where the last left off…yet it’s suddenly 2045. Brad Dourif, Angela Bassett, and a handful of other men are on a spaceship that lands on an abandoned space station.

The film is mostly typical boring space ship crap as in all these movies: monitor watching, lit button pushing, running through halls that all look alike. And honestly, more Critter eggs appear in this film than actual Critters. The only good scene happens to be my favorite attack of the series. One dude gets deep throated by a Critter while entangled in chains. It’s a death that would make Pinhead jealous.

The only other good thing about the final film is the numerous nods to Star Wars.

Plus, Terrence Mann finally returns in the last 20 minutes. Gone is the awesome 80s hair—replaced with the hairstyle all the kids wore on Home Improvement, and he’s now kind of a dick, but he looks more like Tim Curry than ever.

CRITTERS ATTACK! (2019)

The director of The Cleanse, another sort of mini-creature feature, brings back this 80s franchise with an astounding grasp of what made 80s kid-centric creature features tick—the look, the feel, the music, the tone. Critters Attack! isn’t trying to mock the 80s though. It takes place in the current day, and offers just a passing reference to 1986…the year the original Critters was released. Plus, the score resurrects the style of 80s movie soundtracks to perfection.

Dee Wallace adds to the nostalgia as a Critter-hunting bitch with a blaster. Although her character’s name is different and isn’t in the film long enough to be fully developed or explain her past history in the Critters universe, Dee has claimed she is definitely the same character as the mother in the first film (if you want her to be).

This reboot/sequel does so much right. Gone are the two alien dudes who came down to hunt the Critters, and the body count and gore are totally jacked up to make this much more a horror film than a family sci-fi flick like the earlier films. Honestly, as an original 80s Gen-Xer, I don’t say this lightly; Critters Attack! Is superior to every one of the previous films. It’s an 80s horror movie for 2019.

A young woman babysits a bunch of kids, they find a cute Critter in the woods—essentially the Gizmo of the Critters species—and take it home without a second thought like they have the worst case of E.T. envy.

And then the other Critters come for it. Kills, blood, and flesh-munching to the bone abound, the Critters are much less of a joke and more sinister than ever before, Dee eventually teams up with the kids to take the creatures down in a total Critter massacre, and there’s even an interracial family dynamic…despite the fact that the white sheriff, who is the uncle of the main black kids, totally looks like a redneck Dump voter.

Finally, what better way for a Critters reboot to go out with a bang than to bring back the big Critter ball?

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