STREAM QUEEN: all kinds of hungry creatures and killers

It’s sharks, werewolves, killer comedians, and crazy rednecks in this foursome of flicks I checked out over the weekend.

WEREWOLF CABAL (2022)

This 110-minute indie horror comedy doesn’t offer enough comedy or plot to warrant the runtime. While the werewolf action was horror comfort food for me when it finally arrived, the amount of pointless, dull dialogue is staggering, and the delivery is so deliberate and slow that it drags the pace down even more.

The plot is about a cute young horror author who inherits his deceased mother’s house. When he moves in, a young woman is already living there and informs him that his stepbrother has also passed.

However, there’s more to it than that. There’s a nefarious cult—or cabal, if you will—keeping a werewolf captive in the church.

After an early werewolf attack, it’s literally an hour before the werewolf finally escapes the church. Even then, the werewolf attacks are few and far between for a while.

The cheesy werewolf mask and inexplicable red and blue horror lighting that appears in every indoor location whenever he shows up totally rock.

If this film had been edited down to 80 minutes without removing any of the werewolf scenes, I would recommend it for the nostalgic 80s horror vibes during the werewolf segments, but it’s a chore to sit through the long stretches of everything else here.

TWO HEADS CREEK (2019)

This predominantly action-free backwoods cannibal horror comedy waits until the very end to deliver all the humorous hack ‘n’ slash fun. The last fifteen minutes are a blast and save the movie.

After the death of the woman who adopted them, a brother and sister pair heads to Australia in search of their biological mother.

This lands them in the small rural town of Two Heads Creek, where everyone is really weird and quirky. The siblings also learn their mother has died recently, but something seems very fishy about that story.

Unfortunately, the first 50 minutes of the film don’t do enough to make us fear for the fate of our two leads. The horror elements and a body count are non-existent, the mystery angle isn’t strong enough to keep us guessing, and the humor isn’t consistent enough to keep us fully engaged, despite the cast doing a good job with the material.

Then comes the twist, which has a bit of a conspiracy theory angle (definitely a sign of the times), and it’s a goodie. The movie hits its stride as the truth is revealed. There’s even a playful musical performance at a party…the locals doing a glammed up performance of The Skyhooks Halloween playlist favorite “Horror Movie”.

 

Once the siblings fight back, this becomes a glorious slice ‘n’ dice party movie for fifteen minutes.

If only the battle had started about halfway through the film, this would have been loads of fun.

TOO LATE (2021)

Three horror comedies in a row, all with the same problem…where’s the horror and humor? Too Late is perhaps the worst offender considering it even takes place in a comedy club!

There’s a whole metaphor here for how the comedy and entertainment worlds swallow you whole…scratch that. It’s barely a metaphor. It’s pretty much hammered home. The horror feels more like the metaphor because it’s virtually non-existent.

The story involves a young assistant to a popular comedian/monster that needs to feed on humans in order to survive. The assistant’s job is to get him new acts for the show so that he can feed. Let the Right Comedian In? How damn desperate is this woman to be successful?

The sad thing is that this sets up the possibility of numerous comedian encounters with the ravenous boss.

It. Never. Happens.

Instead, there are clips of stand-up comedians (one of them being a trans character with trans jokes, which is cool), and our main girl beginning to fall for a comedian she then has to protect from her boss.

The boss does finally show more of his monster side near the end (sort of looks like a zombie), but by the time we watch him eat his one and only victim of the film (in shadow puppet style), Too Late is too little too late to satisfy horror fans.

BLOOD IN THE WATER (2022)

I simply had to watch a bad b-movie self-described as Saw meets Jaws. Personally, with the state of the Saw series being a joke at this point, this basically should have just been a direct-to-streaming sequel called Saws! Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Play A Game in the Water.

The plot is as simple as it gets. A handful of people awake chained to the edge of a pool. A Jigsaw type voice keeps coming over a loudspeaker insisting they admit to their sins. One by one they get yanked into the pool, the lighting in the room turns red, and a huge shark comes in and gobbles them down.

You just watch Blood in the Water for the gobbling scenes, which are quite satisfying. You do have to wonder how hungry this shark is, because no stray body parts ever rise to the surface. Neither does any blood for that matter.

We don’t even really care what the characters did wrong, but there is some obligatory dialogue as well as flashbacks letting us know. Worst of all, the final survivor gets an apology monologue right up to the final frame. Yawn. Just feed that bitch to the shark and be done with it.

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I got Carriered away on Dreamcast

Much like Resident Evil 2, Carrier offers two scenarios, first with a character named Jack then another with a character named Jessifer. The big difference is that you’re on a carrier ship on the seas after a previous search team stopped responding to communications. As with most horror games, something is turning people into mutated monsters.

Just like every other survival horror game that takes place on a boat or spaceship, everything starts to look alike, so without a walkthrough you can easily find yourself running in circles. Also of note is a weird quirk in the ship layout—there are certain decks that are sort of multilevel—you can climb up and down ladders and still be on the same deck. This multilayered design is not reflected on the map, making it even easier to get lost when trying to get back to a specific location because you actually have to go up or down a ladder to reach it. For instance, you’ll look at the map, which shows you’re standing directly in front of a door, yet you’re staring at a blank wall. That’s because you have to find the ladder to go up or down to get to the actual wall that holds that door. Argh!

The funny thing is I played this game almost 20 years ago, so when I loaded my old completed game save I was treated to a bonus feature—after playing through once, Jack gets sexier, wearing a chest-revealing V-neck shirt. Don’t get too excited; these are blocky, solid color Dreamcast graphics.

Speaking of visuals, this game is really dark. You can’t even see enemies walking towards you in hallways unless you turn up the brightness in the game options and set it to the max on your television as well.

You do get night vision goggles you can use to see in dark areas, and they also tell you if people you meet are infected. If they’re not infected you can talk to them and they become a survivor. But honestly I never checked anyone I ran into and no one turned monster. In fact, I didn’t use the night vision goggles at all. They are first person POV, and you can’t move or shoot while wearing them, so essentially they’re pointless. Not to mention, when you try to turn them on they take precious seconds to focus, and something could be on you before it even shows in the lens.

The controls are pretty smooth, but not without some issues. These are tank controls, but there is a quick turn button, however it tends to get “triggered” when you’re in the heat of battle due to the button combo being close to the combo for aiming downward at crawling enemies! Argh. As far as aiming goes, you do get targets when you are locked on to an enemy, and there is supposedly a way to adjust your aim to different parts of an enemy’s body, but I didn’t quite get the hang of it. I think the goal is to hold the trigger button, shift the stick to align it with the target you’re aiming for, and then just leave it there and shoot. Don’t actively try to aim constantly with the stick.

Weapons include a pistol, a sort of electric bolt gun with unlimited ammo, a machine gun, and even a rocket launcher for the last boss. Ammo supply will become an issue, because some enemies take a lot of hits to go down. Also, if you pick up all the ammo you find as Jack, it won’t be there for Jessifer, so you have to really think about leaving supplies behind. Ugh! Good thing for the unlimited electric bolt gun.

Another destructive item at your disposal is bombs; boxes in certain save rooms have unlimited supplies of them. Generally they are used for very specific reasons—like blowing up patches of giant poisonous mushrooms. Setting them off is not handy for regular combat. You have to place them down, trigger them, and then run away from them in like 5 seconds or you blow yourself up. Also, you have to equip them before using them, and you usually forget to equip your gun again right after you use a bomb, so the next time you face an enemy you find yourself planting a bomb instead of shooting a gun. Argh!

Enemies vary as the game progresses. One of the main enemies looks like the flower face zombies from Resident Evil 4 years before that game existed. Some enemies are like fast zombies. Some nail you with spikes that burst from their chests when they’re near you. Other enemies spawn from the plants growing over hall walls and ceilings. A big hanging enemy drops to the floor when you shoot it and then gets up and looks like a big praying mantis. Eek! Big bugs hop along the floor and swarm you. Plus, there are various invisible enemies. I guess you could waste time looking for them through your special goggles, but I would just blindly shoot, which would cause them to become visible temporarily, and then I would keep shooting once I was locked on them. The enemies seem to get more aggressive, take more bullets to kill, and come in small groups in tight areas late in the game, making it harder to see and fight them and get away from them. At times they’re also right on top of you when you enter a room…even obscuring your view of anything else now and then.

There are a variety of bosses along the way. You have to aim specifically up at one boss while spikes are chasing you around the floor. There’s a giant, indestructible slug you have too just avoid as you run in circles around a section of hallways in order to press certain buttons in a specific order to open a door.

An infuriating fish man boss is fought in waist high water…which slows you down! Argh! You have to drop bombs to blow him up, but you also have to wade (not run) away from the bombs in five seconds or you blow up, too. The timing to get him close enough to you to drop the bomb, not get hit by him, and get away from the bomb is difficult as fuck.

And the final boss? After another total avoidance segment involving pushing buttons to open a door as he pursues you, you have to fight him on a platform elevator. You first have to run in circles and shoot him four times with the rocket launcher, after which you then have to just run away from him until the elevator stops and a cut scene takes over. You’d never realize you just have to run not shoot for the second half of the battle unless you read a walkthrough.

And there lies one of the major faults of the game. It is not generous with save stations before or after bosses. For instance, the chain of tasks you have to do before confronting the final boss three times in a row is so far removed from the last save room (which you won’t know to stop in if you don’t read a walkthrough) that you’re going to want to cry if you die while fighting the boss.

Exactly what kind of tasks do you have to do? It’s very typical survival horror stuff: find key cards, find memos with codes to enter into computers, talk to survivors you run into to direct them to safety, and my least favorite…a mission on a two-minute timer. Although it involves simply running from one room to another nearby room to turn off three computer terminals, every single hall and room you pass through has multiple invisible enemies, including the room with the computers!

Now aside from the enemies and tasks, other aspects of the game to watch out for are temperamental, typical horror game fixed camera angles that make it hard to see what danger is right in front of you, little red arrows that point to things you can pick up, and save terminals that can be ridiculously hard to line up with. Thankfully the inventory system is simple. You don’t seem to have any limitations as to how much you can carry, you never have to enter inventory to access items for unlocking doors (plus they’re automatically discarded when you don’t need them anymore), and entering the inventory screen pauses the game, so you don’t have to worry about getting attacked while you’re healing yourself. Ugh. Healing. It’s highly advised that you try to get hit by enemies as little as possible, because they take good chunks out of your health bar fast, and you can’t see your health bar on the regular screen, only in the inventory screen. In contrast, there is a fast button for cycling through your weapons without entering inventory, which is convenient, and you don’t have to reload—the guns seem to reload automatically.

Finally, the maps to different areas are supplied to you along the way, and there’s a quick button to check the map at any time as long as you don’t want to check different decks of the ship, in which case you’ll have to access the map through the inventory screen. The map offers the names of rooms, your location, which way you’re pointed, and which doors are locked or unlocked.

PLAYING AS JESSIFER

Jessifer’s game is a fraction of the length of Jack’s game. Essentially it’s just another chapter. There’s nothing new to experience beyond the final boss…the only boss. That’s right. This is a very easy mission, and it’s all running, fetching, and fighting the same enemies again in the same locations.

The cool thing about Jessifer’s final boss is that you fight him outside on the deck of the ship. However, it’s not much of a fight. As soon as it starts, he’s in front of you. Just shoot him four times with your grenade launcher and he dies. He never even has a chance to move from his starting point.

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Watch your backs, ladies

An innocent little girl, a young influencer, and a career girl walk into a horror movie, and the results are mixed. Let’s get right into these three.

SISSY (2022)

Single White Female meets Sleepaway Camp 2 and Sleepaway Camp 3 in the age of online influencers under the delusion that social media adoration means anything.

Cecilia, played perfectly by actress Aisha Dee, is an influencer ecstatic that she’s reaching 200,000 followers. Just when she thinks life can’t get any better, she runs into her childhood bestie Emma. Emma is having a celebration preceding her marriage to another woman and invites Cecilia to join in.

At first Cecilia is thrilled to be part of a real group of friends—a deliciously diverse group that will drive the woke haters nuts, including Asian, queer, Black, and disabled kids.

But things go downhill fast when Cecilia joins them at a home in the woods only to find that the bully that took Emma from her as a child is one of the guests.

Old emotional wounds are open as the bully goes right back to tormenting Cecilia. Eventually tensions boil over, the truth of the past comes out, and this turns into a nasty, violent, gory, campy little slasher.

I’m telling you, if you loved the Sleepaway Camp sequels, you’re going to love Sissy.

HUNTING SOULS (2022)

If it weren’t for loads of demon action in the last 30 minutes, Hunting Souls would have been a total dud.

The story is about a couple that begins to experience mysterious occurrences around their house after their daughter has an episode that lands her in the hospital.

Unfortunately, the mysterious occurrences the movie goes for include every cheap tween scream trick in the book. It’s an endless assault of the types of manipulative scare devices used in movies like The Conjuring. There are loads of scenes that go something like this—the wife acts like she senses or hears something in the house, and then the husband conveniently appears and makes her jump. It’s just constant buildups with weak scare payoffs.

Meanwhile, the husband keeps dragging us into nightmare sequences to pad the film with even more bogus scares.

Finally, the demon is revealed (good scene), and pretty soon it’s a battle to the death with this creepy creature as it tries to claim the daughter’s soul. I must admit, there’s something titillating about the moment when the father does the old “take me instead!” routine…

Despite the predictability and the average horror movie vibe, the finale is kind of sad.

RUN SWEETHEART RUN (2020)

This movie switches subgenres about three times before it reaches a conclusion. After checking it out, I noticed a review on IMDb bashing its feminist themes and claiming it portrays all men as the purveyors of evil throughout time. It’s amazing that men are so fragile they can’t handle the truth—the very reason they are cheering on the fascist move by Republican governors across the country to further whitewash history in schools. Seriously, if learning about the horrible way America has treated minorities makes you feel guilty, it says a lot about you and your attitudes towards minorities.

The film begins with a young woman being coerced into entertaining one of her boss’s clients. The evening starts out great but ends with her being assaulted (not presented on screen) and then pursued relentlessly by her assailant.

Initially the film is hard to watch simply because it explores the reality of women being victimized and then victimized again by authorities, as well as the notion that the average woman can have her life ruined by men in positions of power. I’m actually surprised that the hater reviews on IMDb didn’t also point out that it’s white men who are the root of all evil, because this film most definitely embeds themes of racial divides and white privilege into the plot as well.

Also making the first act hard for me to get through is a major focus on the main girl going through her period. It feels like one long PSA for being sure you always have an extra tampon on hand.

The odd amplification of the menstrual situation proves to be for a very good reason, which becomes clear as the flip is switched on the second act. This turns into a supernatural force horror film. Awesome. It’s my favorite segment of the movie, especially since it moves away from the disturbingly real horrors of what rape and assault victims go through.

Unfortunately, the final act falls apart for me. It’s sending a message of female empowerment, but there’s nothing allegorical about it. It’s a trip back to the 80s as this turns into The Next Karate Kid, complete with a bandanna and jean jacket. I really couldn’t take it seriously by that point, but at least it’s a much more uplifting conclusion than the first act would have us expect.

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Beware the Sick Smile in the House of Darkness

It’s a trio of higher profile titles I checked out over the weekend, and two out of three were fun fun fun.

SICK (2022)

There was loads of excitement surrounding this new film co-written by Kevin Williamson of Scream fame. However, this is not a slasher. It’s a home invasion film that starts off fairly generic until it takes a detour.

Some people on both side of the COVID aisle might hate the film. A COVID satire that could be misread as taking itself seriously, it’s set in 2020 during the height of the epidemic, so expect to have some dark flashbacks to how we were living three years ago. Sure, we’ve come a long way since then, but what’s interesting is that back then when we were wearing masks and social distancing, we weren’t hearing much about people we personally knew actually having COVID. It wasn’t until people started going out again and mask mandates were dropped that more people we knew started getting it or dying from it, and chances are we got it ourselves. But…you know…masks didn’t work.

The film opens with a fantastic chase and kill scene that has classic Kevin Williamson written all over it. The difference is there’s something incredibly realistic about the way the sequence is crafted and executed.

Anyway, two girls decide to go to a family home in the woods to quarantine…and that’s mostly it for the cast of could-be victims. That’s why I say this is not a slasher, just a home invasion film. One of the girls is Gideon Adlon of The Craft: Legacy and Witch Hunt. She’s slowly building a scream queen resume, and she’s a great main girl in this film.

While this does feel predictable at first, once the action kicks in it is fast and furious, and the very Kevin Williamson twist that comes about halfway through the film re-energizes it completely. Sick proves to be a great cat and mouse suspense flick.

Just be warned…the COVID angle might really cause you to roll your eyes unless you appreciate the ways in which it’s applied here as a metaphor for distrust, self-centered behavior, self-preservation…and the Black Death standing right outside your door.

HOUSE OF DARKNESS (2022)

I think House of Darkness would work better as a 30-minute episode of Tales From The Crypt. Virtually the entire runtime is carried by a game of vocal cat and mouse. Ugh.

Justin Long drives Kate Bosworth home after meeting her at a bar. She invites him in and they have a lot of tension-filled, cold war conversation as they compete to be the one calling the shots when it comes to how the night will unfold.

Occasionally, Justin thinks he hears something or someone else in the house so that the audience will be manipulated into being on edge. About halfway through the movie, the writer seemed to realize how dull this script is, so a dream sequence is thrown in to give us momentary hope that Justin has finally landed in a scary situation.

Instead, he wakes up and the dialogue continues. Ghost stories become the topic of conversation until about five minutes before the end of the film, when Justin finally learns what Kate’s ulterior motive is. There are even some fairy tale themes thrown into the mix to remind us how most of them have very dark endings.

I would suggest you just watch Barbarian again.

SMILE (2022)

Smile has a pass-it-on curse plot like The Ring. While it’s a very mainstream horror film with some cheap jump scares (including one that scared the shit out of me), it also incorporates the idea that the mentally ill are treated like they have a contagious disease, as well as the notion that suicidal people keep their pain hidden behind a pasted-on smile.

The film also shares plot points with It Follows, but it opts not to exploit that relentless chase concept as much—in fact, several scenes of our main girl being pursued by a scary smiling person were cut from the movie and appear in the deleted scenes on the disc.

The basic premise is that a therapist at a hospital witnesses a patient kill herself after claiming that she’s being terrorized by a “person” that changes faces and always smiles while warning of terrible things to come. After this interaction, the therapist finds herself experiencing exactly what the patient described. As she tries to figure out what is happening to her with a full-fledged investigation like Naomi Watts in The Ring, everyone around her begins to believe she’s going insane.

Despite being 2 hours long (and despite cutting out some of those thrilling encounters with scary smiling people), the film definitely keeps the pace going. The highlight for me was a fantastic use of unnerving sound effects for ambience rather than a traditional music score; it was giving me flashbacks to visiting the hospital in the Silent Hill games.

There are several fantastically creepy sequences, those fun jump scares, and a freaky “final boss” battle at the end, but just be aware that this is not a body count movie.

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What happens in Amityville rarely happens in Amityville…

Every time a new “Amityville” movie comes out, I just have to know how far it strays from the original premise of a haunted house in Amityville. Therefore, it’s time for six more movies…

AMITYVILLE KAREN (2022)

Directed by indie horror king Shawn C. Phillips, this is a simple, silly possession film.

Our Karen sits around whining and bitching, harasses businesses, and wields her power as a compliance officer. She takes Amityville wine from indie actor James Duval’s winery and hits the bottle.

Karen goes all Karen on a demon woman who comes out of her closet, but this demon woman isn’t having it. Rather than filming Karen and posting the video to social media to ruin Karen’s life, the demon possesses her.

Meanwhile, the staff at a business Karen has been trying to destroy throws a party, and Karen crashes it to start killing everyone off…and to grab a bite to eat.

So it’s sort of supernatural slasher, with sleazy sexual situations and fart and shit humor thrown in for good measure.

Basically, the Amityville name goes Troma. Do with that comparison what you will before considering checking this one out.

AMITYVILLE SCARECROW 2 (2022)

I barely have anything to say about this sequel. The first film, despite its weak attempt to link itself in any way to Amityville, proved to be a fairly decent killer scarecrow movie.

This disaster brings new victims to the same summer camp location. They sit around the campfire discussing the dark history and supernatural legend of the location, they go off to have sex, and they get killed by a hokey scarecrow that looks nothing like the creepy scarecrow in the first film.

A shirtless hunk is the highlight.

The film lacks suspense or scares, and it’s not even the supernatural scarecrow again—it’s an appropriating asshole in a mask. Yawn.

AMITYVILLE HEX (2022)

108 minutes of video chatting vloggers talking about an Amityville hex is what you can expect from this travesty that feels like a poor mashup of Unfriended and Paranormal Activity.

They each read the hex out loud live then slowly—very slowly—begin to feel weird.

If you stick around long enough you’ll see some low budget found footage POV carnage, including stabbings, shootings, and death by lawnmower.

And based on something that happens at the very end of the film, my guess would be that an “Amityville Zombies” movie is inevitable.

AMITYVILLE UPRISING (2022)

Holy crap, my guess was right. This is Amityville with zombies.

The opening clips of this little indie are officially filmed around town in Amityville, and the movie takes place in Amityville…in a police department to be exact.

A chemical explosion at the Amityville military base (fiction—there is no military base in Amityville) causes acid rain to fall. A group of people becomes trapped in the Amityville police department. There they have to contend with those who die from being out in the acid rain and come back as zombies. Eek!

There’s plenty of character drama at the station as the sky begins turning red (none of the drama of much interest), and 45-minutes into the film we get the first zombie attack.

There aren’t hordes of zombies here, but the few that do exist look pretty gnarly because the peeling skin effects are good, as are the flesh munching moments.

It’s zombie business as usual as the survivors battle the zombies, but this is most definitely one of the better low budget Amityville movies—okay, one of the better low budget zombie movies with Amityville in the title—that you’re going to come across.

There’s also a hot, tattooed daddy bear, a zombie girl that does the spider crawl, and a fatalistic ending.

THE AMITYVILLE MOON (2021)

The Amityville Moon comes from the director of Amityville Uprising (zombies) and Amityville Harvest (vampires). This time it’s an Amityville werewolf!

Actually it’s just a werewolf in a religious home for wayward girls. When a couple of girls go missing, a cute detective comes on the scene to investigate.

There’s a lot of talk between priests, nuns, and girls of the house as they work on the girls’ issues in group therapy. I ended up just biding my time waiting for werewolf attacks.

There are a few kills along the way, but most of the werewolf actions hits in the last twenty minutes. It is fun if you grew up on 80s werewolf movies featuring a person in a costume instead of CGI. There’s even a classic transformation scene.

But my favorite is a kill in which the werewolf slices off a victim’s face and she desperately tries to hold it in place. Brilliant and nasty!

AMITYVILLE IN SPACE (2022)

This is a Mark Polonia production, so that should tell you what you’re in for. So should the title Amityville In Space. But hey, at least it’s about the Amityville house.

A priest enters the house to perform an exorcism and inadvertently launches the Amityville house into space in the process.

Meanwhile, a team on a spaceship sees the Amityville house floating among the stars, so they send team members out to investigate it.

On board the house, they find the priest in suspended animation. They also encounter a disembodied corpse hand, an outer space pentagram, the infamous Amityville glowing pig eyes, and a demon in a rubber mask and a hoodie.

Eventually, the team uses the toy space gun props they’ve been carrying to battle a goofy multi-eyed monster that looks like a puppet in front of a green screen.

If you still check this one out, don’t say you didn’t make an informed decision.

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STREAM QUEEN: all kinds of creatures

It’s monster mania with a gay guy and a girl vs. a Velociraptor, a girl vs. a supernatural entity, and a cute cop vs. giant slugs.

CLAW (2021)

I did not expect Claw to be a horror comedy buddy movie in which one of the buddies is a gay guy and the “claw” is attached to a Velociraptor…but I’m so glad that’s what I got. This one lands a spot on the does the gay guy die? page.

Minus end credits, Claw runs about 66 minutes long. There’s no drawn out explanation as to why the dinosaur is running loose. We just get straight to the meat of the movie.

A stand-up comedian and her theatrical, campy, gay BFF are on a road trip on a desert road to L.A. when they get stuck in a ghost town. They meet up with an old guy who lives there, and soon the trio is playing a cat and mouse game with the Raptor.

Along with suspense and some good jump scares, the comedic interactions and reactions of the three characters are loads of fun. However, that means you don’t want any of them to die…while of course wanting someone to get eaten!

The Raptor is cool, but at times he does look like he’s nothing more than a cut and paste job from Jurassic Park.

There’s a brief explanation for the Raptor’s existence at the end, and a tease for a possible sequel.

TAKE BACK THE NIGHT (2022)

This refreshing take on the supernatural specter subgenre is a female-focused film that explores women watching out for other women…or not. Everyone in the main girl’s life—detective, lawyer, sibling, TV interviewer, etc.—is a female, and some do and don’t believe her story after she’s attacked by a shadowy presence.

In essence the film considers the repercussions of blaming and not believing the victim. Our main girl has a less than pure history, so when she’s attacked in an alley after a drunken and drugging night out, she’s basically on her own in proving that there is some sort of creature lying in wait in the darkest corners of that alley.

The film serves as a metaphor for rape, and both the creature attacks and what the woman must endure during the physical and psychological exams afterward highlight the invasive horrors rape victims experience multiple times.

Remember that when you see anti-woke douche bags whining about this being a “female empowerment” film. If you watch a horror movie that graphically and disturbingly delves into the horrors a rape victim faces and you’re more bothered by the fact that there are too many women and lesbians in it, that says a lot about what you think of women.

There is no body count here. It’s all about our main girl broadcasting herself over the Internet as she makes herself the bait again and again to try to get the creature to show itself. There are some damn good suspense scenes filled with tension and atmosphere, beginning with the unsettling alley attack and leading right up to the final chase, but the creature is never fully exploited visually—it’s left mostly to imagination as it is presented in a cloudy black form through quick edits. I really had fun watching this one.

THEY CRAWL BENEATH (2022)

An adorable leading man and cool slug monster effects are the highlights of this little indie that will most likely get compared to Tremors. However, while Tremors films include an ensemble cast, They Crawl Beneath is virtually a one-man show, so it begins to get repetitive after a while.

Our cute leading man is celebrating Thanksgiving with his uncle (played by Michael Pare), which lands this one on the holiday horror page.

But don’t expect anyone to sit down to a turkey dinner. The holiday is just referenced a few times before this becomes a story of one man trapped under a car in a garage as big slugs start coming out of the woodwork. They’re big, but nowhere near as big as Tremors.

Minor subplots include the leading man’s relationships with his ex-girlfriend and his mother, but the focus is on him fighting off slugs while trying to get out from under the car…and also experiencing hallucinations, which, in my opinion, pads the film with a little too many bogus horror moments.

Note that the first slug attack doesn’t hit until 42 minutes into the movie, but our leading cutie definitely carries the film by himself.

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STREAM QUEEN: are these three worth sinking your teeth into?

I checked out two vampire flicks and a zombie film on various streaming services, and when all was said and done I really only enjoyed one of them, so let’s find out which one and why.

THE INVITATION (2022)

Remember when Samara Weaving kicked ass after marrying into the wrong rich family in Ready Or Not, and then the trailer for this movie rolled around and you thought—this looks like Ready Or Not with vampires? It’s Ready Or Not with vampires.

The main girl is half Black and learns through DNA testing that she’s related to a rich white family. She meets her long lost cousin and he invites her to a wedding at a mansion in England. I guess she’s not Black enough to know that going to the mansion of rich white people is never a good idea…

Would you believe a checklist of predictable occurrences ensue at this gothic mansion?

She’s warned away from a certain room. The butler is mean. Her personal maid is secretive. The lord of the mansion is hot and begins to woo her.

The servants begin getting killed off by something sinister in scenes so dark we see none of what’s happening.

The film is entertaining enough, but the bulk of the horror hits about 65 minutes in. This film is more likely to appeal to fans of gothic romance than horror.

The reason our main girl has been lured by her new family to a vampire dinner party is interesting, and the final act when she fights back is vampire fun, but this isn’t compelling enough for me to want to watch it again.

BLOOD RELATIVES (2022)

This vampire film, written by, directed by, and starring horror king Noah Segan was just so not my thing.

I got the impression it was going to be a horror comedy about a Jewish vampire traveling across country with a teen vamp who claims she’s his daughter. Unfortunately, it leaves out the comedy and the horror and fills it with loads of dialogue.

It’s actually a moody and gloomy road trip movie that doesn’t go anywhere. The father/daughter head-butting as they cope with being related is uninspired and lacking enough depth or emotion, they don’t have much conflict with their vampirism, and they both simply express their unhappiness constantly.

On top of that, it’s like this is a movie about vampires trying to contain their vampirism. In other words, they don’t do much biting, and when they do, it’s off screen. And the whole Jewish vampire angle? Totally overlooked beyond the occasional “oy vey” slipped into conversation. So much missed opportunity.

The only bright side for me was a brief appearance by Tracie Thoms of Rent.

WRECKER (2022)

It’s a grindhouse-zomcom-crime lord-vigilante-action flick written by, directed by, and starring a mega hunk named Bryan Brooks.

Brooks plays a construction worker still struggling to come to terms with the recent kidnapping of his wife when an adorable detective enlists his help in taking down criminals…by simply leading him to them.

There’s not much more to the plot except the underplayed zombie plot. There’s a single zombie in an opening scene with the detective, and then…there isn’t another zombie situation until 90 minutes into the movie.

That’s because the movie is 126 minutes long. Argh! If the objective was to give us a From Dusk Till Dawn split-genre movie, perhaps not showing any zombie action in the beginning would have amplified the switch—but the film would need to get to that horror twist before the 90-minute mark.

This is the problem with first time writers/directors. They don’t quite know much about pacing, editing, and streamlining the script. Brooks is a super charismatic and funny guy (his character is in no way a perfect hero, and he plays the role like a pro), and the fight sequences are quite entertaining, if not a little lacking in polish, mostly due to editing and sound effect issues that make them feel like rehearsals for the fight scenes rather than the finished product.

However, there simply isn’t enough plot development, so we just get fight after fight with various criminals. As campy as some of the sequences are, they become repetitive, especially if you’re waiting for the return of even one zombie.

Also lacking is the development of the relationship between the vigilante and the detective. They’re both charming with great comic timing, but there simply aren’t enough “buddy movie” moments.

They almost always fight their own battles instead of working together (in part because the vigilante is anti-gun and the detective wants to come in with guns blazing). It’s just odd to have two talented guys in the same movie yet give them little chance to play off each other.

The fights take place in church, a strip club, an auto shop, a construction site, a junkyard–until the good guys are eventually abducted by a sleazy crime boss with a patch who has an evil master plan. Finally we get some zombies, and despite budget limitations, it’s good old undead action for the final third of the film. Yay! There’s also a sort of post-apocalyptic vibe, with baddies looking like something out of Mad Max and our two leading men eventually dressed in leather. Delicious.

I’m not going to lie. The hubby and I had a lot of fun with this one despite any flaws, and I will definitely add it to my collection if it gets a DVD release. And of course Bryan Brooks earns Wrecker a spot on the stud stalking page. Wrecker. Sounds like a really hot gay porno film.

 

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Sequels with a holiday twist

I decided to end the year with a triple feature of sequels that all happen to be worthy of a spot on the holiday horror page.

TERROR TRAIN 2 (2022)

Three months after Tubi premiered the Terror Train remake that switched the holiday from New Year’s Eve to Halloween, they’ve released a sequel that takes place on New Year’s Eve. As a typical slasher, Terror Train 2 delivers what we need…a masked killer with sharp weapons. As a sequel, this is a mess.

Essentially it’s a remake of the remake. It takes place 15 months after the first movie—hey at least the dumb ass final girl didn’t go back on the party train 3 months after all her friends were murdered. But she’s still a dumb ass for deciding to do so 15 months later to “face her fear”. Especially when her fear is usually behind her…

The fricking party train is now rebranded the terror train—someone has made her tragedy into a business venture. Same train, same crew members, same masks, same magician, same friends who survived the first film. This movie is so damn stupid.

On the bright side, it will drive the anti-woke crowd crazy, with people of color, lesbians, gays, and even a character specifically referenced as they/them.

Aside from nice vicious kills, it’s all about a bunch of asshole kids that want to go viral on social media, so phone cameras are rolling every minute of the movie.

Not to mention, pretty much every character is a red herring. But the ending is silly fun, and I can’t deny I want this piece of crap and the first film released on Blu-ray so I can add them to my collection.

TERRIFIER 2 (2022)

This 2-hour and 18-minute long hit sequel is now out on 4K, so I finally indulged in the wackiness of it all. Nothing will ever beat Art the Clown as he first appeared in All Hallows’ Eve, but I actually had more fun with this sequel than the first Terrifier.

First I’ll get the hyped gore out of the way—the stuff that supposedly made people puke. Look, if you’ve been around the horror block, you’ve seen gore this nasty before in numerous movies (hell, if you’ve seen Gutterballs, you watched a transgender person’s penis get split in two in graphic detail). The Terrifier 2 gore is way over the top, and every time someone is mutilated they’re still alive, so it’s hard to take the gore more seriously than being silly horror party fun.

Next, there’s that infamous dream sequence. It happens within the first ten minutes of the movie, and I can’t fathom what they were thinking keeping this in. It runs too long, is irrelevant to the rest of the movie, and it is just too goofy to be entertaining for me personally.

The bright side is that while Art uses a gun to kill a bunch of people, it’s just in the dream. He doesn’t use a gun to actually shoot victims as he did in the first movie, which totally ruined that film for me.

Perhaps the biggest shock is that we get to see Art’s ass! What the hell?

Despite this installment running approximately 50 minutes longer than I can usually stand, there wasn’t a moment of boredom for me beyond the dream sequence (that seriously bored me, and annoyed me). I was getting total 80s retro vibes from the performances and the characters (the mother being one of my faves), the throwback synth score nails it, the Halloween atmosphere is perfect, and Art is at the top of his gleefully Sadistic game.

The plot has a single mother dealing with her teen daughter and younger geek son, who has an obsession with Art the Clown, the infamous killer from Halloween the year before. Art sets his sights on killing them with the help of a new little girl clown sidekick that seems to be a figment of his imagination.

The big issue for me was the lack of cohesion. It’s almost like the filmmaker is trying to create some sort of backstory that Art absolutely does not need because he’s freakier as a mystery. The script drops all these pieces of the puzzle along the way, then doesn’t bother to put the puzzle together. This might be the reason for both the main girl’s regressive dream sequence and Art’s imaginary friend. I don’t know if the plan is to iron out the details in a third film, but it felt like there was just too much disjointed storyline going on that didn’t add anything to this splatterfest. And the end kind of jumps the shark, flirting with a touch of sci-fi/fantasy.

Thankfully, after the credits start to roll another scene resets the tone by bringing us back to the horror. This bonus scene also isn’t logical, but it’s better than the Sword in the Stone type shit going on for a few minutes during the final battle.

Other things to look out for include appearances by Felissa Rose and Chris Jericho, and a few other black and white horror movies playing on televisions besides Night of The Living Dead, including Plan 9 From Outer Space and The House on Haunted Hill. There are also what seem to be some segments and setup shots that give nods to moments from the Halloween franchise.

SCARE PACKAGE II: RAD CHAD’S REVENGE (2022)

All the anti-woke white straight guys are on the Internet ragging on this movie for painting women as heroes and men as dumb idiots. These are the same types of douche bags who defend Dave Chappelle’s trans jokes as being “funny because they’re true”. Straight white men simply cannot handle being on the other side of the slander—they miss the days when only they were presented as all-powerful and punched down at everyone else in film and television.

The wraparound for Scare Package II continues one of the plots from the original movie, and I have to say I absolutely loathe it. It’s essentially a short film broken into parts between the other stories, and it is just an overblown and unfunny parody of Saw movies with some really absurd “traps”.

Meanwhile, two of the four stories here are holiday themed, and there are notable nods to other horror flicks, from Poltergeist to Black Christmas.

1st story – set on New Year’s Eve 1989, this is a rather clever nod to how the 90s would be the dawning of the age of slasher deconstruction thanks to Scream. Here we have two houses, one with the “final girls” and the other with the “sure to die girls”. Everything turns in on itself when the final girls discover their strict adherence to being good to stay alive is no longer paying off. There are also some “woke” pokes at the fragility of the very males that hate this movie for speaking truth: a) the laughable suggestion of a male being strong enough to be the sole survivor in a slasher, and b) mocking how slashers of the 80s sexualized and brutally killed women all for male enjoyment.

2nd story – this is another sequel to a story from the first movie, and has a couple going to a cabin in the woods on the Fourth of July and facing off against a killer that just won’t die.

3rd story – my favorite tale in the bunch, this is inspired by the urban legend about the ghost boy in Three Men and a Baby, and also flirts with aspects of The Ring.

4th story – a group of kids goes all Re-Animator by bringing a dude back to life.

The wraparound almost salvages itself by turning into a video store slasher in the closing segment. It’s also important to note that this film lands on the does the gay guy die? page thanks to a steamy kiss between two guys in love.

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I’m not one to hold a Grudge…or 13 Grudges

It’s been years since I dared to delve into covering every single Ringu/The Ring movie, so I’ve finally decided I needed to do the same for the Ju-On/The Grudge franchise. I’ve already covered Sadako vs. Kayako (Ringu vs. Ju-On) on the Ringu post, so let’s get into the rest of them here.

JU-ON: THE CURSE (2000)

Before Ju-On hit theaters, there were two short, made-for-video “Ju-On: The Curse” films. When you take away the fact that the first half-hour of part 2 is comprised entirely of footage from part 1, both movies combined basically add up to one full-length film.

It’s no surprise the ghost with a grudge crawled her way onto the big screen, because these two films are a strong start. Asian filmmakers have mastered the art of making ghost stories terrifying, while American ghost films are most successful at making tween slumber parties scary.

The major frustration I have with the Ju-On/The Grudge movies is that the story is never told chronologically. It always feels like a series of supernatural vignettes that barely gel together, leave out crucial plot points that would help with cohesion, and sometime even feel like they have space-time continuum conflicts. Plus, it suffers from my pet peeve as a result…we know exactly what’s going to happen to characters before it actually does! Here I’ll do my best to make sense of each film as I go through them here.

At the center of the first film is a house in which a husband killed his wife, son, and their cat. I guess that’s why the ghost boy meows–it’s like he returned as a boy/cat mashup ghost.

The Curse consists of basically two timelines once you untie all the knots. First there’s the murderous husband who kills his family. This is discovered when a teacher comes to the home because the boy hasn’t been attending classes. He finds the dead wife in an opening to the attic that’s in a closet (eek!) then gets terrorized by the grudge ghost, who delivers her first amazing stairway crawl. This scene is simply terrifying, and she looks freaky as fuck.

At the same time, the murderous husband, who discovered his wife was in love with the teacher and therefore killed her, is outside with a bag containing a dead fetus he pulled from the womb of the teacher’s pregnant wife. The grudge ghost crawls out of a garbage bag on the street and kills the murderous husband.

The other story is about the people who move into the haunted house next. This is when it becomes apparent that the curse isn’t contained to the house–it infects anyone who comes in contact with the house and anyone those people know. Paying Payback forward?

A mother, and her daughter and son now live there. When the daughter leaves to go feed rabbits at the school, her at-home tutor ends up alone in the haunted house and gets dragged into the attic by the grudge ghost.

Meanwhile, the son’s girlfriend heads to the school in hopes of meeting him there. The place is empty since it’s after school hours, and this poor girl hides under a desk and is terrified by the ghost boy in a super suspenseful scene loaded with perfectly petrifying camera angles. We never do find out what became of the brother.

Next, detectives discover a disembodied jaw. Turns out it belonged to the daughter, who comes home shuffling like a zombie. When her mother catches sight of her, her jaw drops, too. This is horrific because the detectives questioned if someone with no jaw can still be lurking around alive somehow…which implies the jawless daughter is alive and possessed by the grudge ghost. Eek! And…ouch.

In the final act, a real estate agent asks his psychic sister to cleanse the haunted house so he can sell it. She does the best she can….

JU-ON: THE CURSE 2 (2000)

The Curse 2 begins with the teacher segment from the first film in chronological order, and then replays the real estate agent storyline, I guess so we can appreciate that the real estate agent and his son end up moving into the apartment that the teacher lived in with his wife (the one the murderous husband ripped the fetus out of).

Meanwhile, the haunted house has new owners. The wife is possessed by the grudge ghost and kills her husband by whacking him over the head with a frying pan.

The real estate agent’s psychic sister visits his new apartment, gets possessed by the grudge ghost curse, and kills her parents.

Wanting answers to what ails his sister, the real estate agent returns to the haunted house, where he is killed by the possessed owner. His son ends up being chased and killed by a bunch of grudge ghost clones in his school.

To make things even more confusing, a detective who investigated the original murders is killed by the ghosts at his house, and then a detective who went to check on him is murdered by the grudge ghost.

The film ends with sounds of some girls sneaking into the haunted house…

JU-ON: THE GRUDGE (2002)

Upon revisiting the Ju-On films, I’m shocked to discover that the first Ju-On: The Curse blows Ju-On: The Grudge out of the water. The Grudge suffers from sequelitis–they took a good thing and exploited it by shoving the grudge ghost’s face into the camera so much she loses her potency.

To bring us up to speed, the film opens with the murder of the wife and the cat (nothing on screen–we just see the murderous husband grab the pussy). This scene establishes that these ghosts already haunt the house and is the first step in making this a direct sequel to the other films.

There’s a new family living in the haunted house: a man, his wife, and his barely functioning mother. The wife sees the ghost boy and cat when she’s alone with the mother, and the man finds her in shock when he gets home. Within minutes she dies. The man seems to become possessed by the murderous husband’s ghost and takes his wife’s body to the attic. He then gets paid a visit by the grudge ghost.

His sister pops in to check on their mother, and when she leaves she is terrorized by the grudge ghost, who first appears to her in a public restroom stall (the movie already jumping the shark). The grudge ghost then infiltrates the sister’s apartment and gets under the sheets with her in bed. Eek!

A young social worker comes to the haunted house, finds the mother all alone. When she sees a dark shadow hovering over the old woman, she passes out.

Her coworker comes looking for her and finds her unconscious. She is sent to the hospital, and the coworker who found her at the haunted house is found dead soon after.

The detective who was on the original murder case in the haunted house decides to go to the haunted house to burn it down. Two detectives on the current case follow him there, the grudge ghost comes crawling in…and he runs out, leaving the other two detectives to die! But apparently he dies anyway at some point.

We next meet his daughter, who becomes paranoid when she sees flyers around town about three missing classmates. They were the girls who went into the haunted house at the end of Ju-On: The Curse 2. They never came back out, but she got away. She locks herself in her bedroom and tapes papers over her windows like something out of Pulse to keep out the curse, but her three dead classmates get in anyway and lead her right into the arms of the grudge ghost.

Meanwhile, the social worker is still being haunted. She dreams of the grudge ghost, the ghost boy, and black cats. The famous hand scene in the shower is presented for the first time, but it’s less effective than in the U.S. remake, for the hand merely touches her head, where as it is embedded into Sarah Michelle Gellar’s head in the remake.

And then, a friend of the social worker calls and says she’s checking on a little boy who hasn’t been coming to school. Bitch, the ghosts used that old trick five years ago! How the hell are you falling for it? Has the little dead boy been back in school and just decided to stop showing up again?

Anyway, the social worker runs to the haunted house to save the day and watches the friend get dragged up into the attic. Finally, the grudge ghost comes crawling down the stairs. The scene isn’t quite as effective as it was in Ju-On: The Curse, but it’s still slow and deliberate and sure to terrify if you’ve never seen Ju-On: The Curse.

Then something new happens. The grudge ghost doesn’t get the social worker…the murderous husband’s ghost comes down the stairs to claim her!

JU-ON: THE GRUDGE 2 (2003)

It’s no surprise there were no Japanese sequels for over half a decade after this absolute disaster that uses every bad trick in the sequel-making book.

Essentially, Ju-on: The Grudge 2 goes the Halloween Resurrection route. The grudge ghost and the ghost boy are able to terrify new victims because a film crew decides to make a movie in the haunted house.

The grudge ghost exploits her hair for the first time, obviously jealous of Sadako’s hair getting all the attention in the Ringu films.

She hangs people with it, makes it into a web across a ceiling so she can dangle from it like a spider, and uses it as a wig camouflage in the makeup department.

Various people are terrorized, including a pregnant actress, a makeup artist, the director, and a school girl.

Eventually, the grudge ghost crawls out of the pregnant actress’s twat when she’s giving birth. And to think this trash came out a year before The Grudge even got started in U.S. theaters.

Congratulations! It’s a girl!

JU-ON BLACK GHOST (2009)

For the two short films Black Ghost and White Ghost (an hour each), the original haunted house story is not relevant at all, but the ghost boy does make a little fun cameo, meowing outside a window where a toy dog is barking at him from inside.

Black Ghost borrows from Stephen King’s The Dark Half. A young girl is diagnosed as suffering from psychological trauma because her mother and father don’t get along, but it turns out her unborn twin sister is attached to her uterus like a cyst.

Her aunt, who is well-versed in the paranormal, exorcises the twin…the wrong twin! So the unborn twin uses the living twin’s body to go kill the aunt and her family.

But before that, the aunt’s husband, a sleazy perv, is stalking one of his female employees. When he goes to see her, she has been possessed by the black ghost and attacks him. He is knocked out, wakes up, and finds her dead. So he buries her!

A nurse who was caring for the young girl is also haunted by the black ghost, which kills her and her neighbor.

In the end the young girl’s mother jumps off a building with her in a murder/suicide in hopes of ending the curse.

JU-ON WHITE GHOST (2009)

White Ghost is another tale of a family massacre, and it’s much more gruesome than the previous story. An extended family moves into the house of the psychic sister from Black Ghost. The uncle becomes possessed and starts abusing his niece (disturbing scene).

Eventually, a message on a cassette tape comes into play, leading the uncle to go around and gruesomely kill the whole family. He forces one woman into a bathtub and then lights her on fire, which begs the question…why didn’t she just turn on the faucet and put herself out?…and chokes the grandmother of the house while she’s doing her best drag. 

Anyway, the uncle cuts off the head of the niece, takes a taxi to the woods, and hangs himself. The taxi driver happens to be the father of the niece’s friend, and he disappears after giving the uncle that ride.

Turns out the niece’s friend has psychic visions. She sensed something was wrong with the niece’s house while visiting her, and the niece even told her the uncle was acting different and doing bad things, but the psychic girl didn’t intervene or tell an adult about the abuse.

Seven years later, the psychic girl does a Ouija board with two friends. After that, one of the girls is killed by the ghost of the drag grandmother. This white ghost grandmother walks around with the murderous uncle’s basketball (which she used to do while alive). Weird.

The white ghost grandmother with the basketball terrorizes several people, including a dude in a Santa suit who tries to deliver a pie to the now empty house. Apparently a ghost ordered the pie because it was hungry for a new victim. This is the creepiest scene in the whole film.

Later, the Santa suit dude is still in shock from what he saw when he goes home to celebrate Christmas with his girlfriend. Unfortunately, he thinks she is the white ghost grandmother with the basketball and kills her. How the Grudge Stole Christmas.

A couple more characters are introduced to explain the cassette tape, but this pointless detour adds nothing to the curse other than bringing in somewhat of a nod to the video tape spreading the ghost virus in Ringu.

In the end, the psychic girl, who still feels guilt over not helping the niece when she needed it, is sort of forgiven when a ghost visits her.

JU-ON: THE BEGINNING OF THE END (2014)

This is a reboot and a retelling of Ju-On: The Curse, and it makes a hot mockery of the legendary story.

The original family murder situation has changed. The mother wanted desperately to get pregnant, but her husband wasn’t fulfilling that wish. She was visited in a dream by a “white” boy and became pregnant. It seems like some sort of immaculate conception where the ghost boy has the same name as the son she gives birth to and is actually the one who impregnated her with a version of himself in her dream (which begs the question, where did the horny white ghost boy originate from?). The husband couldn’t make a connection with the boy, so he eventually confronts the wife about it, thinking she had an affair and got pregnant. The dumb bitch mocks him and admits the boy is not his, so he kills her with a twist of her head. He then microwaves the family cat (an awful scene that is presented more than once), and we assume he kills the boy as well.

Meanwhile, a young teacher notices a boy has been missing in action for like a week, so she pays a visit to his house. This is where this reboot makes a huge change. The grudge ghost is rarely the antagonist. It’s the ghost boy who does most of the terrorizing and killing! When the teacher goes to the haunted house, she sees the grudge ghost not as a creepy crawler, but as a normal person who is just acting weird and also makes the classic Grudge noise.

Back at school, the teacher continues to be haunted by the ghost boy and the normal looking version of the grudge ghost. It begins to affect her behavior, so her boyfriend investigates the family, the haunted house, and the curse. He is eventually killed in his home by the grudge ghost. It’s a gruesome scene in which she twists his head around.

Meanwhile, because Grudge movies need more kills and more confusing side stories, a group of school girls decides to break into the haunted house. One girl is terrorized there by the ghost boy, and then all the girls begin to get killed after they leave. Past plot elements are reused. One girl covers her windows to keep the ghosts out. Another gets a ghost visit in a bed, only this time it is the ghost boy under the sheets instead of the grudge ghost.

Another girl gets her jaw torn off. Newer kills include one girl getting dragged into her refrigerator, and another girl seeing a giant face of one of her dead friends on a subway then waking up in the haunted house and getting tossed around like a yo-yo. Strange.

Finally, the teacher finds her boyfriend dead, so she returns to the haunted house one more time because she’s an idiot. She sees visions (this is where the whole back plot of the family is revealed), and then the staircase scene is revised.

The teacher looks up the stairs almost as if she’s seen these movies before and knows the grudge ghost is supposed to come crawling down them. So the grudge ghost tricks her by appearing on the ceiling instead before crawl chasing the teacher up the stairs! The teacher gets away and returns home. It’s there that this installment whips out its most original traumatic visual–the dead boyfriend walking towards her backwards with his twisted head hanging flaccidly to the side. Nightmarish.

This new reboot also introduces drawings of spirals, and in the sequel they become more like drawings of the POV from the bottom of the well in The Ring. It’s like this franchise tends to forget which franchise it is at times.

JU-ON: THE FINAL CURSE (2015)

The only film to start with a quick recap of the previous film, this one also shows that when the murderous husband goes to kill the boy that isn’t actually his son, the boy morphs into the white ghost boy with the same name. Can you believe after all this time they decided the ghost boy wasn’t the OG ghost boy? Or that the murderous husband in the original was so much hotter than this dude?

The teacher from the reboot has been missing, and her sister, a hotel worker, traces the teacher’s disappearance back to the boy and the haunted house. When she visits it there’s just a hole in the ground, and a man standing by it says he destroyed the house because he lost family there. It feels like this is another story in need of explaining, but we don’t get that.

The hotel worker’s boyfriend starts investigating the story of the haunted house not only because it’s affecting her, but because it starts to haunt him at the train station where he works. He’s terrorized by the normal version of the grudge ghost, and there’s one scene on the platform that reminds me of a scene from the video game Silent Hill 4: The Room.

Meanwhile, the curse finds a new house to haunt and the whole premise of the series takes a confusing turn. A school girl’s little cousin is coming to stay with them. Her mother (sister of the cousin’s father) admits to her that the boy’s mother died recently. Obviously the mother’s brother is the murderous husband from the original haunted house family.

The school girl begins getting terrorized by the grudge ghost in her own home, but despite her house being haunted, she has her friends over for a slumber party. As a result, all those friends must die at the hands of the grudge ghost. One girl is singing karaoke when the grudge ghost shoves her head into the ceiling.

Another girl in a restaurant is melted to death. These deaths in these reboot installments feel like they move into Freddy Krueger nightmare territory, with victims just transporting from one location to another as if in a dream.

The grudge ghost also kills the school girl and her mother in their house.

Meanwhile, the boyfriend goes to the new haunted house, fights the little boy cousin, kills him, and then goes home, where the grudge ghost crawls through his mail slot and kills him.

Finding her boyfriend dead, the hotel clerk goes to the new haunted house and interacts with the ghosts of the school girl and her mother. We learn that the white ghost boy has been jumping into different bodies, including the body of the cousin boy with the same name, who apparently used that to his advantage to escape from the murderous husband’s grips in this rewritten backstory.

The hotel clerk is attacked by the grudge ghost, who is back to crawling down stairs and looks more furious than ever. She morphs temporarily into the teacher to tell the hotel clerk the curse never ends before morphing back into the grudge ghost…with a slit-mouth woman face! The Japanese franchise comes to an end by once again forgetting which franchise it is!

Some nods to previous installments include the hand in the hair scene done the way it was presented in the U.S. remake, the distorted photo, and the ghost boy meowing.

JU-ON: ORIGINS (2020)

This Netflix series includes 6 half-hour episodes, and you can get through them pretty fast.

Despite its name, this is in no way a “prequel” to the original storyline. And honestly, while it has its moments, it’s not even much of a scary ghost tale. It presents itself (fictionally) as the true story on which the Ju-On movies are based. Eye roll.

Basically this is a cycle of “the curse” being paid forward in the form of women getting raped and having their babies taken from them!

This is some dark shit, even throwing in trauma porn elements and drug use. It also highlights that this series has always been about violence towards women and there being nothing as dangerous as a woman scorned.

So what about the horror? There’s some hard to recognize possession going on and an occasional sighting of the new ghost woman, plus there’s a black shadowy ghost at one point, but this is rarely about actual ghosts, which is a bummer.

We do get a sort of Ring face moment, a black cat thrown in like some sort of Ju-On Easter egg, some visits to the closet, a quick moment with the new ghost woman in the attic opening, some actual murders by living people, a gruesome baby removal, and a seance.

THE GRUDGE (2004)

The U.S. remake comes from the director of the first four Ju-On movies. It generally sticks to the plot of Ju-On: The Grudge, but it does incorporate some elements from Ju-On: The Curse.

I watched the extended cut on my Blu-ray, and what’s interesting is that there are still over 30 minutes of deleted scenes included in the bonus features. Some of them are cheesy romance scenes between Sarah Michelle Gellar and her boyfriend, but many of them are recycled scenes from the original Ju-On: The Grudge, plus tension sustaining scenes that apparently would have made the film too boring for American audiences expecting quick cuts and rapid-fire scares.

The initial murder is more significantly demonstrated in flashbacks in this remake. The woman tries to get away from the murderous husband and he snaps her neck. He also viciously kills the cat and drowns the boy.

The plot with the man, his wife, and his invalid mother has Clea Duvall of The Faculty playing the wife. In this film, when the man finds his wife in shock and then she dies, the ghost boy appears, meows, and that’s it. The whole scene of the man seeming to be possessed by the murderous husband’s ghost is omitted, as is the scene of the sister coming to check up on the mother (both scenes are included in the deleted scenes).

The sister is only introduced via phone messages before we meet her experiencing mostly the same attack as in Ju-On: The Grudge. However, the restroom scene is replaced with her being pursued in a stairwell by the grudge ghost before it gets her in her bed at home.

The remake has a nurse instead of social worker coming to visit the old lady (who has dementia). The nurse hears noises upstairs so checks in the attic through the closet. There’s a major jump scare as the grudge ghost appears.

Next, Sarah Michele Gellar, who is working in Japan, gets assigned to the old lady’s case because the other nurse has disappeared. Black hair on the ceiling comes down over the old lady and reveals the grudge ghost’s face.

Ted Raimi, who plays Sarah’s boss, comes to the haunted house and finds her in shock. This is where there are some noticeable changes. Detectives come on the scene and find Clea Duvall and her husband dead in the attic, plus a jaw on the floor. Ryo Ishibashi of Audition plays the detective on the case. He decides to go burn down the haunted house to end the curse, where he is killed by the murderous husband’s ghost.

In another plot element borrowed from Ju-On: The Curse, Ted Raimi’s character encounters the jawless nurse at his office, and it’s just as freaky.

Meanwhile, Sarah gets out of the hospital. There’s a hokey scene of her seeing the grudge ghost’s face on the window she’s sitting next to while on a bus, she gets the awesome hand in her hair scene while showering, she begins researching the haunted house, and she then decides to go visit it!

The backstory relies on Ju-On: The Curse once again as Sarah experiences a residual haunting in the haunted house after discovering that her boyfriend has gone looking for her there. She witnesses Bill Pullman as a teacher who checked on a boy missing from class, discovered through a journal that the boy’s mother was obsessed with him, found her body in the attic, fled the house, and then committed suicide. There’s something very The Eye about the way this plot point is presented.

Sarah finds her boyfriend in the foyer as she tries to leave the haunted house. Cue the famous crawling grudge ghost scene. It so weak compared to the way it plays out in Ju-On: The Curse. It’s much faster, the shots are way too close to the grudge ghost’s face, and of course she has to kill the boyfriend before she can give Sarah her undivided attention. When she does, Sarah sets the bitch on fire with the gasoline left behind by the dead detective.

The film ends with the obligatory scary final frame…the grudge ghost appearing behind Sarah in the hospital.

THE GRUDGE 2 (2006)

I give this one credit for breaking away from the plots of previous installments to give us a new story while expanding on the past story.

During the opening credits, there are grainy clips of the original murder scene in the haunted house as a reminder of the ghosts we are still dealing with. There are then three different stories as the movie does its usual time jumping.

First there are three girls at an international school in Japan. One American girl is new, so a blonde girl and an Asian girl take her to see the haunted house. This scene was only referenced as happening in Ju-On: The Grudge 2, and interestingly, it is reminiscent of a sequence with three school girls that would play out years later in the Ju-On: Origins series. The three girls experience some scary shit by the closet, but all three girls make it out of the haunted house alive.

The Asian girl, about to have sex with her showering boyfriend, gets dragged into a mirror by the grudge ghost. The blonde girl finds black hair in her head while showering (her worst nightmare), hides under a desk in a replication of a scene from Ju-On: The Curse, and gets consumed by the grudge ghost’s hair in a phone booth.

The Grudge series seriously decide it needed to cash in on Samara’s black hair horror because The Ring was such a hit in the U.S.

The black cat haunts the new girl in class, she is terrorized by the ghosts of the other two girls, and she sees the school psychologist as a ghost woman.

The next story is about the continuation of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s plot. Her sister, played by Amber Tamblyn (the girl who got Ring face in the closet in The Ring), comes to Japan to bring Sarah back home.

Sarah is being held by police in the hospital for starting the fire in the haunted house. She is chased by the grudge ghost, is pulled off the roof…and lands right beside Amber and a cute male journalist she’s talking to.

The two decide to delve into what happened at the haunted house (which clearly didn’t burn down all the way), get spooked there, and run away.

This is where the curse gets a whole new backstory. They learn that the mother of the grudge ghost is some sort of supernatural healer who would extract evil spirits out of people and feed them to her daughter…the grudge ghost! I don’t get the point of this other than to present the wife as inherently evil rather than the vengeful victim of her murderous husband!

Time to once again mimic aspects of The Ring. While the journalist is developing a photo he took of the haunted house, the grudge ghost escapes from it (like Samara climbing from the television).

Amber finds him dead in the dark room and then goes to find the mother of the grudge ghost…and manages to get the woman killed by the ghost of her own daughter!

Amber goes back to the haunted house and witnesses a residual haunting of the original kills. The murderous husband’s ghost attacks her and twists her head.

Finally, the grudge finds its way to the United States. Jennifer Beals moves into a new apartment in Illinois with her boyfriend and his son and daughter. The son sees the neighbors bringing someone in a hoodie into their place. He hears knocks through the wall, he sees hoodie person lurking around the building, and he finally goes into the apartment of the hoodie neighbor and sees two ghost girls peering through holes in papers covering the window (borrowed from Ju-On: The Grudge).

Jennifer Beals has also been listening through the wall of the neighbor’s place, gets possessed by the grudge ghost, and kills the father, pouring hot grease over his head before bashing it in with a frying pan as in Ju-On: The Curse 2.

A very weird scene has the daughter’s friend acting possessed, drinking a container of milk, puking it all back in, and then drinking it again. The daughter simply answers her ringing cell phone and walks away! Kids these days. The friend is then visited by the ghost boy.

Things spiral out of control fast. The son finds his sister drowned in the tub, sees Jennifer Beals soaking in the tub, and finds the hoodie neighbor crumpled on the hallway floor. It’s the new girl form the school in Japan, who returned home to the U.S. and brought the curse with her. Argh! Hands grab her from beneath her hoodie, and the grudge ghost replaces her in the hoodie to go after the boy.

I have to tell you, the alternate ending sequence in the bonus features on the DVD is much better, replicating the classic grudge ghost crawl scene, but letting her finally stand on her own two feet as well. Also, the son gets more of a scare tour through the apartments, including seeing a hanging dead body and hoodie girl’s parents dead in their apartment.

THE GRUDGE 3 (2009)

This is the first and only film in the series that plays out in order with no time jumps. It also marks the first time without the original director of the franchise. Also of note is that the grudge ghost is played by a different actress, which is very obvious. The makeup on both her and the ghost boy is also much more artificial looking than before.

The film picks up after The Grudge 2, with the young boy in an institution, where he is killed by the grudge ghost. His doctor, played by horror queen Shawnee Smith, decides to go the apartment building that was the root of all his babbling.

Also heading to the apartment building is…brace yourself…the grudge ghost’s sister! Yep, she has a sister now. The sister heard about the murders in the apartment building in Chicago and just knew the curse had found its way to the U.S.

Following the murders, the Chicago apartment building is being renovated, and the manager, a cute young man who lives in one of the apartments with his teen sister and his little sister, is being pressured to keep the current tenants and draw in new ones. That isn’t going well at all, especially once the grudge ghost begins knocking off anyone who lives there.

This is definitely just milking the series with Grudge staples. The grudge ghost crawls out of a painting and out of plastic wrap. The grudge ghost pursues Shawnee at the mental health facility she works in. The ghost boy visits the little sister in her bedroom and meows at her. The manager finds a dead victim suffering from Ring face. The manager is eventually possessed by the ghost of the murderous husband and hunts his sisters.

The newest change is that the grudge ghost’s sister attempts to do a ritual to stop the grudge ghost. That doesn’t go as planned and the grudge ghost possesses her own sister, which gives us an awesome, all-new grudge ghost at the last second.

In the end it is implied that the manager’s little sister is possessed by the grudge ghost.

THE GRUDGE (2020)

Rather than a reboot, this movie actually takes place during The Grudge and The Grudge 2, yet it’s kind of repetitive in that it brings the grudge curse to the U.S. just like The Grudge 2 did. Once again we go back to an out of order sequence of events. This does nothing to make these movies any more intriguing and just makes them hard to follow, so I can’t imagine why they would continue doing it two decades into the franchise. Not to mention, unlike the Japanese movies, the American movies don’t divide segments up by flashing the name on screen of the character to be focused on before each segment, making things even more confusing.

So let’s de-confuse it.

It’s 2004. An American nurse working at the haunted house in Japan (I guess before Sarah Michelle Gellar and the girl before her get there), quits the job and heads home to her husband and daughter in Pennsylvania. She is possessed by the grudge ghost, so she kills them and herself.

A real estate agent who is trying to help them sell their house is haunted a bit (including the old hand in the hair shower scene), gets attacked by the nurse ghost and her daughter’s ghost in one of the scariest scenes in the movie, and then kills his pregnant wife before drowning himself.

Next to move into the house are a man and his wife with dementia, played by Lin Shaye. The man contacts a woman who does assisted suicide to help put his wife out of her misery.

Discovering Lin has killed the husband and cut off her own fingers, the suicide assistant flees the house, but the ghost of the nurse’s husband is in the car and she crashes and dies.

Finally, there’s a female cop who gets a new job. She discovers the car and body of the suicide assistant. She goes to the haunted house because the address was in the car, and she finds Lin and the corpse of the husband. Lin is sent to an institution, where she takes a dive down a stairwell to kill herself.

The female cop is haunted by the ghost of the nurse’s husband, and there are a couple of really tense scenes. She decides she needs to end the curse, so she goes to the house and burns it down.

Would you be shocked to know that the final frame reveals that you can’t stop this curse?

Honestly, I’d be surprised if the franchise gets another movie (no I wouldn’t), because this film is generally really dull. In fact, there are 30 minutes of deleted scenes on the Blu-ray, and some of them are good scary sequences that would have helped make this one a little more exciting.

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They just won’t die!

It’s time for a trio of sequels. Actually, a fourth installment, a prequel, and an indie sequel.

JEEPERS CREEPERS REBORN (2022)

This is the one that’s supposed to have no connection to the pedophile who created the original trilogy. It’s also supposed to be so bad it makes the third film look good.

I totally disagree. This is my kind of refreshing bad sequel/reboot. It’s a throwback that combines visually fantastical, gothic outside CGI scenery reminiscent of movies like Van Helsing and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen with the gloomy, washed out treatment of supernatural slashers that dominated the horror genre in the early 2000s.

And most importantly, rather than trying to drag the Creeper into a trendy, awful, modern day trauma porn horror situation, it simply celebrates the days of cheesy horror, with young people making a wrong turn while just looking for a good time.

For the opener, Dee Wallace stars in what is basically an homage to the pipe scene in the original film.

Then the franchise flirts with one of the more resent subgenres…horror festival horror!

Indeed, our main couple is going to an outdoor horror convention. That made me so excited, but the film opts not to make this about the Creeper killing everyone at the festival. Bummer. Instead, our main couple and a few others take a special Creeper tour.

They end up at a derelict mansion in the woods and that’s where all the action takes place, with the small group trying to escape as the Creeper pursues them through the house.

This reborn installment has some new tricks up its sleeve. The Creeper now emits a high-pitched squeal that hurts everyone’s ears. There’s a cult determined to keep the Creeper appeased. And…there’s a reason for the subtitle “reborn”. It’s like the Jeepers Creepers franchise has gone the Halloween 6: Curse of Michael Myers route.

Really, it’s just a popcorn flick you watch for the familiar Creeper vibes and all the killing action. You know…just like Jeepers Creepers 2.

PEARL (2022)

Ti West has entered a new realm of horror output as he expands on his slasher X with this prequel that makes a statement all its own. They are two totally different movies including time period, subgenre, and style, yet they are literally two parts of the same story. I really can’t wait to see what West does with the third film.

Pearl is not a slasher as much as it is a portrait of a mentally ill young woman as she spirals into killer territory. Mia Goth, who played a dual role in X, is freakishly mesmerizing as young Pearl in this prequel. Her character reminded me of a cross between fictional Norman Bates and factual Lizzie Borden.

It’s 1918, and West reflects that in the oddly innocent style he chooses to set the tone of the film.

Pearl lives in the farmhouse with her mother and her invalid father. She is married, but her husband is away at war. She is inspired to follow her dreams of becoming a dancer by the projectionist at the local theater, who is fricking beautiful. Makes sense that she is feeling a burning inside for him.

Pearl is clearly unstable. She kills animals to feed to that gator we met in X. She has bizarre sexual fantasies. She has emotional breakdowns.

And eventually she starts to kill anyone she thinks is afraid of her. And they have every reason to be.

The killing doesn’t start until an hour into the movie, but Pearl unravels fast after that. The kills are disturbing and vicious in their matter-of-fact presentation, and you genuinely feel bad for everyone who unintentionally ends up on the receiving end of whatever weapon Pearl is wielding. You simply must go into this movie not expecting the same experience you had watching X.

DON’T FUCK IN THE WOODS 2 (2022)

I’m a fan of the first film, which has kids camping, fucking, and then getting killed off by a creature in the woods.

Rather than give us more of exactly the same, the sequel takes a clean turn into another subgenre after picking up where the first film leaves off.

The creature steps aside for this installment after unleashing a penis-shaped slug parasite–which worms its way into counselors setting up a summer camp.

Before the horror gets going, the film does what it should–lives up to its name. Nudity, both male and female, and sex, both straight and lesbian, abound as the counselors peel away from the campfire to go have sex. Yay!

And then the horror starts with a graphic scene of the parasite entering one of the girls. Ew!

This turns into somewhat of a love letter to movies like Evil Dead and Demons, with those violated by the parasite growing big nasty teeth and blank white eyes. Awesome.

The usual screaming and running ensues, and the film eventually shows Raimi more love, with a hero wielding a motorized saw, and a tag after the credits that makes it seem like a third movie (if it happens) could be taking us into Army of Darkness territory.

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