Back to the horrors of the 1960s and 1970s

It’s inevitable that you’ll get a bunch of low budget oldies on DVD when you buy those cheap, multiple-movie sets, so I’m cleaning house and taking a look at all that remains in my collection to blog about, starting with 6 films ranging from 1963 – 1971.

TERRIFIED! (1963)

Terrified! has the great dark and sinister feel of classic black & white horror, and is generally a very contemporary plot—people wandering around an old ghost town are stalked by a guy in a black mask.

Right from the first scene there’s a lot of promise. The film opens on a cemetery where the masked man is burying someone alive in cement. It’s just about the most effective scene in the film.

After that, it becomes a mess of ridiculous excuses for people to come to the ghost town (which seems to literally be called Ghost Town)  and skulk around creepy empty buildings and the graveyard.

There are definitely some tense moments and some initially suspenseful chase scenes, but every scene seems to wear out its welcome, going on way too long to the point that it loses its effectiveness.

BLOODY PIT OF HORROR (1965)

We learn in the opening scene that back in the old days, an executioner was executed for executing people and vowed revenge.

In the modern day, a photographer, a publisher, and a bunch of female models come to a castle to take photos for horror book covers. They are shocked to discover a man actually lives there, but he allows them to stay and do their work.

Of course he does…because he’s a psycho who loves to torture people in his bloody pit of horror! While there’s nothing in the way of scares here, this is definitely a precursor to the torture porn to come decades later. It’s very much in the same vein as the Herschell Gordon Lewis gorefests of the 1960s, combining horrible soundtrack music that is anything but creepy with scenes of women being sadistically tortured.

The killer is a hilariously narcissistic stud who likes to pose in the mirror—and even does so to torment one of the women he has a very special connection with.

There are some very bizarre scenes—one of a woman caught in a spider web booby trap with a big spider hanging over her shoulder is totally confusing to me, because I’m not sure if the spider was supposed to be real or just a mechanical, poisonous part of the trap.

The fights the killer has with men are as badly choreographed as you would imagine from low budget 1960s horror, but the exploitation of women is right on target for its time—especially when they’re put on a spinning machine that slices at their tits each time they circle around again to a waiting blade.

BLOOD OF DRACULA’S CASTLE (1969)

This is just about the worst that “horror” has to offer. A prim and proper vampire couple that keeps women chained up in their castle basement to humanely drain of blood panics when they discover they’re going to lose their home—and be exposed in the process.

Even though they invite the young couple buying the castle to come stay with them, they don’t stop their diabolical act of having their goon—the creepiest thing in the movie—go out into the woods to drag more women to their home. Not quite sure why all these women hang out in the woods by themselves in bikinis, but whatever.

John Carradine plays the butler, making this vampire couple even less ominous.

So when the young wife hears creepy noises at night and eerie soundtrack music begins to play, it’s simply impossible to buy into the notion that we’re supposed to be scared.

Seriously, these vamps are so non-threatening that they even talk about a day when science will invent a synthetic blood so they can become law-abiding citizens again. Is it possible the writer of the True Blood novels stole that one line to make it the entire premise of a book series 30 years later?

NIGHTMARE IN WAX (1969)

Even with a huge filmography behind him in various genres, Cameron Mitchell never shied away from doing bad horror movies, like House of Wax rip-off Nightmare in Wax.

However, there are a few notable changes in the details. Mitchell plays a former Hollywood behind-the-scenes man who was disfigured and seeks revenge…by capturing people, drugging them so that they don’t move and can’t even blink, and then using them as figures in his wax museum. However, he needs to periodically give them booster shots because the drug wears off.

As a detective investigates the latest disappearance—the opening scene of a man being stalked through a parking garage instead of a woman—there are plenty of flashbacks revealing just how Mitchell became disfigured and how it led to his mental stability.

Although Mitchell drugs most of his victims, he does choose to kill one every now and then. It’s not a particularly scary or original plot, but one scene holds up—he meets a woman at a club and then terrorizes her in his wax museum. I wouldn’t be surprised if this scene inspired scenes from many of the slasher films of the 80s.

What doesn’t hold up is the club scene—first a really bad flower child pop song by the T-Bones (Hey! That’s what Principal McGee called the T-Birds in Grease 2!), then more of a surfer rock tune that works much better with the go-go dancing but still feels like a night at Andy Warhol’s Factory.

BLOOD MANIA (1970)

The director of the 80s exploitation flicks Angel and Avenging Angel delivers this sleazy drug trip psycho murderess movie, written by gorgeous hunk of meat star Peter Carpenter. It’s one of two sex and murder flicks he made before unexpectedly passing away at a young age, so I’m covering them both here.

Carpenter is being blackmailed for illegally performing abortions (the days of back alleys and coat hangers). He’s dating a young slut who is caring for her ill father. When they use drugs one night to enhance the sexual pleasure and provide us with a stylistic sex scene, he tells the slut too much of the drug could kill a man.

Slut sees a way to quickly make the money for her man’s blackmailing situation.

Sadly, the will, read by Jo’s father from The Facts of Life, fails to go her way, and she loses her shit.

There’s only one good murder in the whole movie. She really should have lost her shit sooner and gone on a major killing spree, but alas, this one is more about the sex than horror. And that’s okay, because Peter Carpenter is delicious to look at, and he knows it. And for that reason, it’s surprising that he let a younger cutie show off more bod than he does…

If the film had been a short in a Tales from the Crypt movie it would have been better, because it has a nice mean-spirited and macabre twist ending.

POINT OF TERROR (1971)

In Peter Carpenter’s second love letter to himself, he stars as a singer—who wakes up on the beach screaming at a dream about his own singing in the first scene.

He meets a rich woman who can make him a star, so there are way too many song montages. But she has a rich husband in a wheelchair. She hates him. Conveniently, they get into a fight near their pool. You have to see the bull fight metaphor presentation to believe it.

With the husband out of the way, you’d think all would be perfect…but the wife is no idiot, which pits her against Carpenter until he creates a love triangle to fuck with her.

A knife murder subplot flashback delivers the only good kill scene in the movie.

But the scene can’t outshine the hilarious final fight between the stars near a cliff, where it’s night on top of the cliff but daylight down on the rocks below.

Not even editing this down could make it a tale in a Tales from the Crypt movie, because it’s really not a horror film—despite a Twilight Zone style twist. But it did give Carpenter the opportunity to make up for his mistake in Blood Mania. This time, he shows his own ass.

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PRIME TIME: a creature feature and some confusing backwoods horror

I thought I knew what I was getting into with this triple feature of my own making. Oddly, it’s the two backwoods horrors that left me scratching my head, while the Lovecraftian film (a subgenre that usually gives me a headache) is the one that stood out the most.

DEATH PASSAGE (aka: Lemon Tree Passage) (2014)

Americans in Australia take an Aussie dude up on his offer of a thrill ride down a road rumored to have a ghost. A film that starts off with an urban legend premise? I felt right at home.

Things get a little weird for one girl after the first encounter with a bright light on the road, but since it was only a fleeting glimpse, they go back again for another round. The Aussie guy decides he’ll have a better chance at a ghost sighting if he gets out of the car. That’s when the group is dragged into a whole lot of I don’t know what that keeps them hanging out in the forest alongside the road.

I just don’t have the patience anymore for movies that jump time, jump dimension, and jump between reality and delusion, especially all at once…so I began contemplating what movie I should watch next as horror things happened that didn’t horrify me at all. The only thing I can say is that cutting through all the mess of people running through the woods having their own personalized experiences, I think this was a possession/revenge mashup plot.

Highlight for me? Super sexy dude takes a shower and makes orgasm face when he gets splashed in the face.

Oh, and I was also loving the fact that Death Passage only runs 80 minutes. Still not enough of a little death to satisfy my need for quick thrills.

THE AXIOM (2018)

At least Death Passage was only 80 minutes long. This one tacks on nearly another 20 minutes of chaos and confusion in the woods, with ghosts, monsters, possession, and a diabolical plot that further muddies the waters.

A girl goes to the woods with a bunch of friends to find her missing sister. They stumble upon a cabin. They experience delusions of murder and horror. They realize they have crossed into another dimension and need to get back. They start turning on each other.

The monsters, the coolest part of the film, look like the bad guy from that movie series about that kid at a wizard school—my hubby made me see every single one of them in the theater, but I can’t remember a single thing about any of them.

Unfortunately, the monsters are barely in the film because rather than go for simple and scary, it tries to be way too layered with its myriad of horrors. Honestly, only bad 80s Euro horror can masterfully pull off such nonsense. The places this film goes had me groaning with impatience for it to end.

Highlight for me? A 2fer: a shirtless hottie in a good sex scene with a horror money shot.

THE CREATURE BELOW (2016)

I’ll take this one over The Shape of Water any day. I gave it a look because I just watched the director’s other film, Book of Monsters. Instant points for making two very different horror movies.

I never would have anticipated where The Creature Below was going to go after the first major scene, which is pretty fantastic for an indie film. A marine biologist is submerged in the ocean in a special suit and has an encounter with one supersized underwater creature.

She gets away, but she brings a remnant of her escapade home and sticks it in a fish tank. That’s when this one morphs into a much smaller scale, Lovecraftian horror flick. As she becomes obsessed with the little critter, the film gets weird and does have a few weak spots along the way, but it picks up once their bond strengthens and she goes from obsession to virtual possession.

The final act really reminds me of some of the classic 80s takes on Lovecraft as she and her creature friend terrify those closest to her. The focus on a single setting helps create a claustrophobic feeling of being trapped as the monster wreaks its gory havoc.

And the final scene comes full circle, leaving a momentous monster impression solidifying this as a Lovecraftian film that dare not speak its name. I guess either the rights cost too much or the director was really smart and didn’t want to take the chance of being bashed by purists that love to attack Lovecraft adaptations.

 

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STREAM QUEEN: a sausage fest, an anthology, and aliens at a house party

Pledge, Skeletons in the Closet, and Alien Party Crashers delivered a good variety of horror subgenres, and I found something to like about each of them, but only one of them may end up in my DVD collection.

PLEDGE (2018)

I was a fan of the werewolf flick Uncaged, so I assumed things should turn out okay when I realized the same director made this film, which was already in my watch list because…well…it’s a movie called Pledge with a paddle in the artwork.

It’s exactly what you would probably imagine.

A group of geeks is rejected at a big frat party, but then a pretty girl invites them to another party at a house in the middle of nowhere.

They are welcomed by a bunch of frat boys, and soon they are being brutally and gruesomely hazed. There’s undeniably a whole lot of torture—including a redo of the rat in a bucket scene from the 1983 film Epitaph, but not exactly much story.

You just keep waiting for the geeks to turn the tables…which should have happened sooner so the film could have had more focus on action and suspense rather than torture.

The reveals and twists in the final act definitely rescue the film from solidifying itself as nothing more than torture porn, and the virtually all male cast lands this one on my sausage fest scares page.

SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET (2018)

An indie anthology so schizo, choppy, and non-linear that I was almost guaranteed to be totally annoyed by it…which probably means the filmmakers are brilliant, because it’s those very things that kept me watching.

At first, this seems to be your usual anthology formula. A babysitter and the bratty girl she’s watching sit down to watch a horror anthology series on TV…

…that has a pretty blonde and a funny skull head horror host pair…that seems to be commenting on a horror anthology with a wraparound about a babysitter and a little girl…

Trippy! This one really keeps you on your toes, never knowing exactly what you’re watching as you are bombarded with disjointed scenes, short films, wraparounds within wraparounds, and commercial breaks, including a movie marathon ad featuring clips from a bunch of black and white horror films, as well as some clips of 80s pop culture references like Ronald Regan and an aerobics class. Even the wraparounds poke fun at the jumpy presentation.

The movie smartly doesn’t try to take place in the 80s, instead just perfectly capturing the feel of VHS era anthologies. There’s a hint of Halloween décor outside at the beginning, but there is no follow through with the theme, so this can’t be considered a holiday horror flick.

Meanwhile, between all the insanity, at least three specific tales do come forward:

1st story – one of the creepiest “scary granny” stories I’ve seen, this one has a stylized scene near the end that would have destroyed me if I had seen this film as a kid. It did a number on me as a semi-adult.

2nd story – a short one with a classic anthology story zinger twist, this tale sees a bound woman in a basement fighting back.

3rd story – two dudes encounter a masked killer in a junkyard in this gory entry. It becomes a rockin’ action flick when they fight back.

And in keeping with the round and round structure of the rest of the film, the wraparound can’t quite determine how to wrap things up. Classic.

ALIEN PARTY CRASHERS (aka: Canaries) (2017)

It’s odd holiday horror that has a lot going for it, with some standout moments, but it just never quite comes together as it heads towards an open-ended conclusion that simply demands a sequel this probably won’t get.

A government group is monitoring a time travel alien invasion problem, which complicates what is otherwise a straightforward horror flick about a New Year’s Eve party crashed by murderous alien life forms in human bodies. It becomes distracting each time a scene relating to this government group interrupts the action at the party.

A cute DJ with a nice bod is hosting a party with a handful of friends.

The tone seems to be going for humor, but it’s just not quite funny enough and lacks the correct timing to deliver the laughs. And when it does, it’s because the lines come from a gay character who pretty much steals the show. He’s not what you’ve been programmed to expect from a gay character in any way, he fights back big time rather than play the victim, and he drops some good 90s references. And of course, he lands this movie on my die, gay guy, die! page.

It takes a while for the action to start, but once it does it keeps coming. The “alien” people, who look like zombies from the neck up, are all in yellow raincoats with long fingernails that look like they are attached to gloves even though they are actually supposed to have grown out of their fingers.

Originally the film was called “Canaries” based on this look, but I guess beaks would have been kind of crucial if they wanted to go with that title…

There are some good suspense moments and some great gore, but the sound mixing felt raw. In essence it was more in keeping with how it would really sound if, for instance, you had a fight with a humanesque being in a kitchen, but it did make you realize why movies don’t go for realistic sound. Realism just doesn’t have that oomph. And speaking of realism, the big cool claws lost their oomph because they do like claws attached to gloves…rubber claws. The horror just didn’t quite hit the intensity needed to really keep me on the edge of my seat, despite the potential it had.

Finally, I have to give a nod to all the songs used by the band Le Cassette. I immediately scored a copy of their only album and will be playing a whole lot of their modern new wave sound on my Future Flashbacks show.

 

 

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Discover The Dark Within when you take Clinton Road to Landing Lake with your Dolls

Got a chance to check out some upcoming horror titles covering a variety of subgenres, so here’s a brief look in case they show up on your radar.

LANDING LAKE (2017)

I have no idea what I just watched. The trailer looked pretty good…because it’s one of those cases of all the good parts being crammed into a 1-minute teaser.

A group of satellite technicians goes into the woods. One dude brings a totally rad boom box that another asshole fricking tosses through the woods.

A plane crashes. They go help everyone out of it. I quickly couldn’t remember who was a technician and who was a crash survivor. They camp. They hike. They argue. They all split up and starts seeing weird things—as in electronic alteration of voices and digital flicker effects on the film to give the illusion of some sort of alien presence.

The cool parts? Every once in a while, someone morphs into a gooey mess that looks gross and painful.

There’s some lesbian stuff, everyone is obsessed with the lake because it’s believed that’s where the threat is coming from, some people turn monster while others just melt and die, there seems to be a secret club for those converted, there are native tribal men for reasons I couldn’t follow—or just didn’t want to because this was just really boring. If 100 minutes had been trimmed to 80 and the film made sense, maybe I would have liked it.

DOLLS (2019)

If the cast includes Dee Wallace and indie horror king Thomas Downey, of course I’m going to watch it. And I’m always up for a good hokey killer doll movie, which is exactly what you get here.

Personally, if I were making a killer doll movie, I would really come up with a more original title—especially since Dolls is the name of one of the best killer doll movies ever from back in the 80s.

But who cares? You get killer dolls no matter what the title. Thomas Downey plays a children’s book author who moves into his recently deceased mother’s house with his teen daughter, who quickly becomes convinced three creepy dolls in the attic have minds of their own.

And of course they do. Horror queen Dee Wallace shows up, but has been demoted to crazy old lady ranting about the dangers to come.

And neither do the dolls. Nor do they really move around. They mostly just stand there. And the biggest disappointment is that they barely kill anyone—but they’re quite creative with a Christmas tree stand and gardening shears.

I actually think the scariest scene in the film is….argh! A dream sequence.

Hey, at least the gardener is cute.

THE DARK WITHIN (2019)

David Ryan Keith (Ghosts of Darkness, The Redwood Massacre, Attack of the Herbals) directs this semi-demon movie. There are demons that look way cool, but this is one of this inner demons movies.

A guy who is messed in the head goes to get some recovery time at a cabin in the woods, where he is haunted by his own demons—memories, nightmares, delusions, hallucinations.

Honestly, horror filmmakers need to stop making films like this OR make them so that we aren’t clued in from the very start that NOTHING terrifying that’s happening is actually real. It simply kills all sense of fear or tension because we know the person is just losing their shit and not in any actual danger.

Here’s a perfect example that sums up the problem with this film. The guy’s woman comes to visit him, he envisions her turning demon, he’s attacked by a demon, he stabs it, it turns out it was actually just her so now she’s dead, now she’s a demon again, now she’s just herself again and perfectly alive, and now she’s not even there at all and never even came to the cabin.

Rinse and repeat throughout the film with no clarity as to why all of this is happening, especially once he steps through time and back to his childhood. My disappointment at not feeling scared at all left me with no interest in trying to figure out the deeper meaning of the film, but if that’s your thing, you might want to check it out, because the imaginary demons would be awesome in a different film.

CLINTON ROAD (2019)

Richard Grieco co-directs this supernatural film with slasher elements, but not even two directors can make it work…or maybe that is the reason it doesn’t?

The desperation begins virtually from the start. Ice-T appears briefly at a club to warn the main cast of characters away from the supernatural road. Then we see Eric Roberts playing Eric Roberts trying to get into the club, but the girl at the door thinks he’s lying and is not really Eric Roberts. And that is all we see of Eric Roberts for the entire movie. Makes sense, because why should played out actor cameos be integral to the plot?

The group of friends heads to the scary road, where one guy’s woman went missing. They bring a clairvoyant along with them hoping he’ll see the truth of her disappearance, and he has one messed up eye so we know he’s creepy.

They sit by a fire. They talk. They all split up. There’s a bearded dude in goggles who could have been a pretty good killer if this film committed to being a slasher. It doesn’t, so he just appears when there’s a need to kill someone to trim the cast.

There are also several different ghosts, both adult and children. Some are implied to be dangerous, others are there to scare us, I guess?

The final couple ends up encountering some problems in a house they hide out in, and things get trippy to remind us this is a supernatural road, but it all falls apart even though it never came together to begin with.

Honestly, a final scene of another random couple stopping on the road is more effective, with some sex and more promising horror than anything that came before it.

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Horror anthology time: Hi-8, Hi-Death and a Return to Horror Hotel

I hadn’t heard of Hi-8 until I checked out upcoming anthology Hi-Death, but I liked enough of what I saw in the follow-up to go back and check out the first one. And since I already blogged about Horror Hotel, I felt OCD obligated to watch the sequel. So let’s take a look at the types of tales you get from each.

HI-8 (2013)

It was hard not to judge this one based on the quality of the sequel since I saw that one first and this one just doesn’t measure up, but I’ll try to be objective. Hi-8 was apparently intentionally shot on dated equipment to give it that genuine 80s look. That approach definitely serves some stories better than others.

The 80s synth music and VHS static effect during the opening credits are a cool touch, and it helps that the film is presented in full screen, but watching it on a wide flat screen really doesn’t capture the true essence of old school tube TVs.

The wraparound is about kids shooting a slasher out in the wilderness The various segments of the wraparound in between stories don’t add much, but the final pay off closing the film is possibly one of its best horror moments. Now onto the stories:

1st story – since I watched the “Hi” films out of order, I learned that a story in the second film is a sequel to this one, as they both revolve around a switchblade killer. This tale is mostly just a gory slice n dice job performed on a victim, and not much different than the tale in the follow-up.

2nd story – the film quality is seriously rough in this one, but it works. The brief story has a group of survivors holed up in a garage after some sort of invasion following a meteor hitting earth. What invaded is revealed with kick ass practical effects.

3rd story – this one feels cheap, but I appreciate the video store theme (as always). A videos store clerk comes across some snuff films…and then meets the killer who made them.

4th story – totally going for the cheesy 80s vibe, this is a fun and goofy one about a dude dressed like the Frog Brothers from The Lost Boys trying to save a bunch of old folks during a zombie outbreak.

5th story – this is total exploitation camp about a plus size woman being stalked by a creep in a Gilligan hat. Absurd and silly, it has a good, trashy twist, but it doesn’t quite have the same tone as the rest of the tales.

6th story – A familiar tale of a grieving lover getting a visit from the dead, this one suffers from really poor makeup effects.

7th story – another cheap one that looks like it’s shot on home video, this is a pretty generic love triangle revenge story.

8th story – probably the highest quality story in terms of visual appearance, this also has a good desolate desert horror feel as a filmmaker and his potential lead actress check out a dilapidated building he wants to use as a filming location. The tale is a little slow, but it delivers the most genuine horror anthology zinger ending.

HI-DEATH (2018)

Amazing 80s style synth music kicks things off once again in the sequel, so I was hoping I was in good hands when Hi-Death began (each story is handled by a different director). The wraparound has two girls on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, where they find a flyer for a horror tour. Each location is showing a different movie…

1st story – after trying to get into a metal concert and then shooting up, a young woman is confronted by the grim reaper. This tale definitely kicks things off right, with an 80s look and feel, plus the grim reaper’s skull head costume looks great, reminding me of Tar Man’s movements in Return of the Living Dead.

2nd story – this is one of just a few stories I felt didn’t quite fit with the others in this film, both in tone and quality. It’s a psychosexual tale of a couple that gets off on the details of the switchblade serial killer’s work from the first movie. It’s gory and sleazy, and looks like a cheap, straight-to-video flick of the 80s.

3rd story – this one is about a dude working late at a video store. Yes! Another video store story. An unmarked DVD is returned through the drop box, so he watches it. The visuals and snippets in the video are deliciously fucked up, putting The Ring video to shame. Plus, there’s a scare pay off in the video store that I think captures the spirit of anthologies like Creepshow nicely.

4th story – another one that I feel just doesn’t flow with the vibe of the other tales here (because the majority of them feature some sort of demonic or supernatural creature) and also looks low budget, this one is about a young actress whose audition goes wrong.

5th story – this final tale is about an artist whose work is dictated by the demands of a demonic presence.

Fantastically gritty, sleazy, and nasty, it ends things strong.

The wraparound conclusion sticks with the tone of the three shorts I preferred in this movie, with the two girls getting separated and one of them ending up in a creepy cave.

RETURN TO HORROR HOTEL (2019)

As with the first Horror Hotel, there’s no wraparound here, but the common thread is that each tale takes place at a hotel. For me, two out of four were okay…

1st story – The opening tale caught my attention immediately thanks to what sounded like a horror lyrics version of a Lady Gaga track as muscle man hits the protein drinks. He is just one of several characters that have icky bed bug problems…

2nd story – a tightly produced, dark tale about two female friends fighting over an object that is supposed to make the wearer beautiful.

3rd story – eh. Not quite horror. This feels like an episode of Amazing Stories. A young bookstore clerk makes a delivery to a vet who doesn’t age as long as he stays locked in his hotel room.

4th story – two guys are in possession of Houdini’s hand and all hell breaks lose in this tale played for laughs. I didn’t laugh and I just expected much more from a story about someone obtaining Houdini’s hand.

As with the first Horror Hotel, although there’s good production value, the stories run too long before getting to the point, and most of them aren’t very horror at all.

 

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Book of Monsters vs. Slaughterhouse Rulez

It’s a horror comedy creature double feature, and one of them features comic duo Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. So which of these two films would I prefer to have in my private collection?

BOOK OF MONSTERS (2018)

Book of Monsters is such a teens vs. monsters gory comedy party flick that it is only somewhat hindered by horrible sound mixing that leaves everything—dialogue, sound effects, music—sounding flat and presented at the wrong volume levels, which tends to spoil the effectiveness of the non-stop action.

Getting past that issue, this is still worth a watch if you appreciate practical monster costumes and makeup.

Especially notable is that the main girl, who is celebrating her eighteenth birthday, is a lesbian looking for love.

With a quick setup introducing the main players, we get right to the birthday party—and a male stripper. Wahoo!

Unfortunately, he doesn’t get a chance to take much off or play with his toys because…

All hell breaks loose within minutes! Hellish monsters crash the party, body parts fly, kids run screaming, and it becomes a roller coaster ride of kids, creatures, and kills.

There is an occult book, demon possession, axe fights, and a backstory concerning the main girl’s family, but really, it’s all about the monster madness with this one.

SLAUGHTERHOUSE RULEZ (2018)

You would think Simon Pegg and Nick Frost in a movie about underground creatures coming up from a sinkhole to terrorize kids at a private school would be like, I don’t know, maybe…Shaun of the Dead with underground creatures instead of zombies.

It happens eventually….59 fricking minutes into the film. I don’t understand how anyone involved in making this film did not decide while screening the finished product that it needed to either be edited or have more scenes shot to prevent the agonizing first hour from happening. There isn’t even a lone monster kill teaser in that time, such as some throwaway character coming across the sinkhole and getting pulled in to give us a taste of what’s to come.

It’s merely an hour of dealing with the students and their issues, and not in a fun, entertaining way.

I was afraid my hubby was going to call it a night and go to bed rather than see it through with me.

It does finally kick in big time, in a good Attack the Block way, with kids being torn apart in over-the-top massacres by cool four-legged monsters.

But don’t expect Pegg and Frost to take the lead in the fighting. They are both minor characters used to draw name recognition, Frost even less present than Pegg.

The first hour of this film should have been edited down to 30 minutes to bring on the monster party earlier. There’s no reason for it to run an hour and 43 minutes.

I blind purchased Slaughterhouse Rulez on DVD to add to my already kick ass Pegg/Frost horror/sci-fi comedy collection, but if they weren’t in it and I had seen both of these films before deciding to purchase one, I would have gone with Book of Monsters.

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STREAM QUEEN: a crazy clown, a mysterious box, and a supernatural urban legend

Me being me, I probably could have assessed what I would think of each of these three films before even watching them, but I gave each one a chance anyway. So here goes.

SHELLMONT COUNTY MASSACRE (2019)

Start a movie with a hot redneck sheriff and deputy brother team and you’ve definitely got my attention. While Shellmont County Massacre does a great job of painting (what I assume is) an authentic feeling of rural life, I definitely think the filmmaker should have refrained from having one of the characters make a Jew joke within the first few minutes…and then a little while later referencing someone as a retard. I braced myself for more bigoted language to follow, such as homophobic and racist comments. While I was relieved it didn’t happen, if you want to attract a wider horror audience, it’s better not to set that tone unless there’s a reason behind it…such as intentionally wanting to create an unlikable, bigoted character.

That aside, I was super impressed with the various components of this indie film. It’s sort of a horror/cop-hunts-serial-killer hybrid. The kills are brutal with practical effects (yay!), and the guy playing the killer is absolutely fantastic in his cackling insanity.

However, there were definitely some missed opportunities to extend kill sequences to include prolonged suspense—for instance, a scene in which a mother is killed and then the killer goes after her son. At the same time, there’s another scene of the killer absolutely terrorizing a family that is…dare I say it…perfectly executed as he slowly and cruelly mind fucks them.

This isn’t a scarefest. It’s more a dramatic gorefest. The film smartly focuses mostly on the sheriff and his family, not distracting us with too many extraneous characters. You rarely see family dynamics so well-defined in an indie film, and their relationships become the driving force behind the sheriff’s determination to catch the fucker responsible for slaughtering the people of his town.

There are some questionable aspects to the plot. In a small town, you’d think it would be hard for a dude as weird and psychotic as this killer to slip by unnoticed, especially since he most often does his killing during the day and walks around brazenly (even if it is in like fields and shit). And despite the shocking nature of the kills, the locals don’t really seem to adjust their behavior and live more cautiously to avoid being the next victim.

Some twists really take the film to some deliciously unexpected places, there’s an awesomely bizarre final chase between the sheriff and killer (I can’t reiterate enough how great the killer’s performance is), and, well, the sheriff is a wrestler type who does us the favor of getting shirtless.

THE UNWILLING (2016)

The Unwilling is a pretty standard supernatural thriller, but it’s not without its charms. Just don’t expect any mind-blowing horror or scares and you can have some fun with it.

Lance Henriksen plays a curmudgeonly old guy who dies…then sticks around to complicate matters when they have a will-reading party at the house of his agoraphobic son.

It’s one of those films in which a bunch of people comes together in a house, there are clashes and drama, and then the supernatural takes over and people start dying.


Is that a pen in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Among the cast at the gathering is Elm Street 2 and Vamp cutie Robert Rusler (who has a brief gay moment) and Dina Meyer of the Saw franchise. They and the rest of the group discover a creepy black box on the front steps.

Foolishly, they decide to follow the directions that come with it, and then each person begins experiencing supernatural shit, some seeming to become possessed to cause more extreme trouble.

A simple, familiar plot, it still manages to entertain for a while, but I did feel that instead of ramping up as it draws to a conclusion, the film fizzles out, with a twist that doesn’t help make it any more intriguing.

MERCY BLACK (2019)

The director of the horror party film Blood Fest delivers what is essentially another Slender Man plot by a different name. This one might be best saved for a tween slumber party…

This is a typical mainstream supernatural horror, so absolutely nothing here was new or unique to me. Or scary, for that matter.

Janeane Garofalo as a therapist is about the most unexpected thing you’ll find here. As for the plot, a young woman gets released from a mental institution, having performed a ritual to unleash the urban legend of Mercy Black as a child…which included using another young girl as a sacrifice.

She goes to live with her sister, whose son becomes obsessed with the legend, which has gone viral since the main girl was a child. And the son is convinced Mercy Black is in their house.

The first sign that this is going to be as desperate an attempt at a scary movie as can be is that the first scares are nothing but a dream. Ugh.

So it’s up to the main girl to save her nephew from Mercy Black. Cue the kid drawings mysteriously depicting the legendary creep in perfect detail, a library trip, a visit with someone affected by the legend in the past, and flashbacks revealing how it all works. And of course, Mercy Black starts making appearances. Honestly, Mercy looks like a scarecrow…minus the scares.

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World War not so e-Z

Don’t go into this video game named after the Brad Pitt movie expecting some sort of sequel, prequel, or canon side story. Don’t even really expect much of a story. In the style of Dead Rising (or a third person version of Dead Island or Left 4 Dead), World War Z is all about being surrounded by hordes of zombies that you must annihilate before being eaten alive. And like those games, it’s all daylight and not meant to have creepy or scary atmosphere. This is all about the nonstop action.

The game has been hyped for its co-op mode, but since that is online only, as is pretty much every game these days because apparently society no longer wants people to be sitting in the same room together anymore, I played the game in single player offline mode.

Trying to navigate to offline mode through the menu is as challenging as the game play. The first menu only has a co-op mode. Turns out you have to choose co-op, which then causes a screen to pop up telling you a Playstation Plus account is needed to play. WTF? It then pushes you to the Playstation Store when you hit “accept”, the ONLY option. Then you have to back out of that and finally get a message that you can’t play online without an account before being taken to a menu that lets you choose offline mode.

Next you get to make some choices. Number one for me? Easy mode. This game is fucking hard even on easy. I almost gave up after failing the first mission, but then I did some research on the game mechanics and did better the second time.

You get to choose one of four characters, each with unique strengths and different starting equipment. I think. Much of this is very confusing, because there’s a “class” menu that gives you a variety of traits to pick that apply to whichever character you choose (personally, I always picked the most daddy bear type guy).

Each class focuses specifically on a particular specialty (medic, gunslinger, etc.).

Finally, you get to choose your mission. Unlike most games, all missions are available from the start and you can play whichever you want. However, they do increase in difficulty, so until you really get a grasp of the game, you’ll want to take them in order. The breakdown consists of choosing from 4 different countries (the fourth country is add-on DLC included in an update), and each country has 3 levels. There is definitely a chronological “plot” in each country, so it flows naturally if you play the three levels in order. However, each country is like a reset with its own unique plot and four completely different characters.

The game is very repetitive as you move through the different countries. All that changes is the scenery: derelict buildings, a mall, subway tunnels, a snowy city, a ship, etc. Each level simply has you on a mission to get to a destination, with various challenges to tackle along the way. You may have to guard an area for a certain period of time until a gate unlocks. You sometimes need to escort someone or something (like a bus) a certain distance while keeping zombies from getting them. Or you might have to hunt down a series of items—say bombs or fuel—to then deliver to a particular spot so you can move on to the next section. Oddly, an on screen arrow literally directs you to exactly where you need to go to find these things, so the biggest challenge is to do it without dying from a zombie onslaught. The most annoying thing about it? You can only pick up one at a time, so you have to go drop it off, then go back out to get the next one, etc. This means you are repeatedly subjected to an onslaught of zombies with each journey.

When you play the game solo, you are accompanied by three AI characters. The AI is pretty damn efficient in helping you clear out zombies, but not much else. You have to do all the heavy lifting. You have to follow whatever instructions you are given, and you end up feeling like you aren’t a part of the actual action and simply the errand boy at times. I’d be trying to accomplish something, and when I finished I would turn around to discover the AI guys had killed all the zombies. Normally I would be thrilled about that except for the fact that in this game you score points to level up when you actually do the killing.

The other thing is, you are responsible for healing each teammate (their health bars appear on screen at all times). This is frustrating because you can only carry one health at a time. Most often, health and other items (grenades, ammo, weapons, etc.) are all found together in supply hubs you come across in each area. You rarely stumble upon individual items to pick up, which means it’s usually pointless to explore areas that branch off instead of just following the arrow to exactly where you need to go. There are also doors to supply closets that you can only get into with explosives, but the amount of explosives you can find is minimal, so you rarely get to take advantage of a supply closet.

There’s an even worse catch to health…and every other time for that matter. Every action you take, whether picking up supplies, healing, or interacting with a keypad, requires you to hold down a button until a little circle prompt gets fully outlined on screen, and this always happens in real time, so you can get your ass kicked by zombies while you’re trying to pick up a damn health. WTF? In real time, it doesn’t take like five seconds to pick shit up. So annoying, and it only gets worse when the game grows harder and you are swarmed by zombies. You can’t do anything but die!

While you need to refill ammo periodically at supply hubs, luckily you never have to hook up your AI friends, who don’t seem to run out of ammo. They also will lend you a helping hand if you are downed by zombies…provided they can get to you. Seriously, when the various mega zombies attack and knock you down, you have no way to fight them off yourself as in most games. You literally have to just lie there and take it, hoping one of your teammates will come to your rescue before it’s too late. And the same happens to them when they’re knocked down. If you all get downed, it’s game over, so it’s always recommended that you stick close to them so they can come to your rescue quickly. They are pretty smart and usually stick close. Unfortunately, it’s during big battles that they get a mind of their own and totally split from you to go fight somewhere else! WTF?

The major drawback of the otherwise comforting and helpful teamwork is…friendly fire! NOOOOOO! WHY? I can’t believe they didn’t offer an option to turn it off or at least have it disabled on easy mode. In the heat of battle when you can barely tell what is what, you can fricking shoot your teammates and get hit yourself if you pass in front of their gunfire! What the hell? I could cry.

There are a multitude of weapons with which to kill your teammates…I mean…zombies. Sadly, you can only carry a primary weapon, secondary weapon, and heavy weapon (which only gets a few uses before you need to pick up another one). You can also carry two grenades at a time, and you get a melee weapon as well, which is limitless. The melee weapon is to be used with caution, for while it does quick damage, the nearness of the zombies does quick damage to you, too. You come across weapons constantly to switch out, but there’s a catch; the only way to unlock upgrade levels for a weapon is to use it. So if you keep picking up every new weapon you come across, you are barely making a dent in the upgrade opportunities of any one weapon. And the upgrade system sucks, because while you are unlocking upgrade abilities for weapons by using them, you don’t actually acquire the upgrade. You just unlock it so that you can buy it with points you make from playing a level. And on easy, the most you can make by completing a level is 150 points, which is exactly how much a lower level upgrade costs! It will take forever to upgrade to the powerful equipment, which means multiple plays of the game. Not to mention, those points are also what you need to upgrade class attributes. Ugh! Honestly, I totally don’t understand the class levels, because they don’t seem to be selectable once you upgrade to them. I tried to pick particular ones from the hierarchy, but I could never tell in game if they actually applied. And class is independent of character, so you can choose any class to play with any character at whatever level you’ve built that class up to. Same goes for the weapons you’ve upgraded. The upgrade is permanently saved and applies to whatever character you choose for a mission.

My personal favorite primary weapon is the crossbow, because it’s an explosive crossbow! Awesome! It’s a great way to take out multiple zombies at once, especially when they do the wall climb. Cool. The wall climb is the one aspect of the movie that is visible in the game and is definite eye candy. When you are on one level and zombies start climbing up a wall below to reach you, the goal is to take out the lower zombies at the base of the stack, which brings them all tumbling down.

There’s one more type of special weapon used during major battles that have you backed into a corner. You’re warned they are about to take place and get a short period of time to prepare for them. This requires quickly searching the area to find as many of these special weapons as you can and placing them in allocated spots to do their own fighting for you. There are auto machine gun turrets, barbed wire blockades, pipe guns, and electric floors you can place. There just never seem to be enough of them in the area to make a well-armed fortress against the insane amount of zombies that finally come flooding in. And the waves of zombies per battle get impossible in the final levels. And it’s important to note that even though you never have a chance to notice in all the chaos, turret machine guns have limited ammo, and you are expected to find time to run over to them and fricking refill the ammo (with the old circle outline trick).

One last thing to note about weapons. Supposedly there are guns that have silencers, so you can use them without alerting other zombies. Bullshit. Even using silenced weapons, every time I shot a zombie, all the other zombies would turn around and rush me.

So what kind of zombies must you contend with? Aside from typical gut munchers, there’s a hulking military zombie that rushes you, picks you up, and slams you repeatedly into the ground until either a teammate kills him or you die. The only way to kill him is to take him down from behind, and melee weapons are actually most effective. Annoying screamers hide and scream continuously to send tons more zombies at you. Hunt down that bitch and kill him to stop the madness—he’s actually outlined on the screen to help you head toward his hiding spot. There’s a lurking zombie that hides behind shit and lunges at you when you turn a corner. Although he knocks you to the ground, a teammate is usually on hand to kill him instantly. A hazmat guy releases acid gas that fucks up your vision temporarily, and in the final level there’s another zombie that spits a poison that has the same effect, but now you have to hold down and fill the circle in order to disinfect. Ugh.

It’s astounding how hard the fourth and final DLC addition is—Tokyo. I honestly haven’t completed any of the three Tokyo levels yet. There are multiple “defend the area from the incoming swarm” battles in each level, with multiple waves of zombies in each. Plus, there’s less health and ammo to find, as well less heavy weapons available to pick up. Having to replay an entire level multiple times just to get back to the battles only to fail again was tedious and not fun at all. I imagine I’ll only be able to conquer them all if I replay the easier levels like fifty times in order to get enough points to build up my class and weapons. But seriously, it’s neither class nor weapon levels that make it hard, it’s the endless number of unmanageable zombies.

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STREAM QUEEN: vampires, a horror anthology, and a backwoods slasher

I’ve currently seen just about everything I wanted to blog about on all the streaming services, so I dug a little deeper on Prime to find Eat Locals (vampires), Monsterland 2 (horror anthology), and Stallo Awakens (backwoods slasher).

EAT LOCALS (2017)

The title, the poster art—I was anticipating a vampire romp full of humor, action, and perhaps some fun gore.

Eat Locals had little of any of it, so as a horror fan, I am not sure what I was supposed to take away from it.

Despite the title, don’t expect all the locals in a small town being terrorized by vampires. The plot: a bunch of vampires hangs out in a cabin, and a team of military men closes in to get rid of them once and for all.

The hottie who plays Marvel’s Daredevil is in the cast, and just like everyone else, spends most of the film talking.

A few vampires flash their fangs, there are a few standard shootouts, and I just kept sitting and waiting for it to be over.

Like, if a cute, little old lady coming out with a big gun and dropping a one-liner before shooting up a bunch of guys is your idea of unique humor, you haven’t seen Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.

MONSTERLAND 2 (2019)

While this sequel is short (only 73 glorious minutes), has less stories than the first Monsterland, and no wraparound, I was feeling the dark style and tone of each tale. Here’s a quick rundown:

1st story – This might be my favorite tale in the movie. A brace face gets delicious revenge, and the twist is just as scrumptious.

2nd story – A man comes to a small town to fight his inner demons, but fails miserably. I appreciated the sinister creature feature pay off.

3rd story – This one begins with a fun comic edge when a guy swallows a bug while in bed. But then he starts to experience some serious parasitic issues and the tale takes a dark turn.

4th story – a very dark and gruesome twist on home invasion horror, with a cool 1970s vibe.

5th story – The story line-up shouldn’t have saved this one for last…or anywhere else IMO. It’s a horror trial story that didn’t pull me in at all.

6th story – a surgery quickie with a creepy twist.

STALLO AWAKENS (2018)

This Norwegian film runs a beautiful 65 minutes long, and while it’s as cliché as backwoods horror gets, it delivers the goods and saves us about 30 extra minutes we usually don’t need in slashers anyway.

A group of friends goes camping in the woods. There’s some drama between characters. They meet a creepy old dude who tries to warn them of what they’re in for. Then they start getting sliced and diced.

I think what makes this a little different than other films in this subgenre is the incorporation of some rather intimate situations in the scares. And I don’t mean sex scenes. I’m talking a surprisingly long and detailed piss scene, an intrusive impalement, bloody menstrual issues…. It sets the film apart from other backwoods horror so distinctly that I would have welcomed more of it. Holy crap, I think I just admitted wanting a film to be longer.

There’s a splash of gore, dark atmosphere, an ominous, hulking and hairy killer figure, and a great chase sequence at the end that has everyone moving practically in slow motion for a series of reasons. It’s the most bizarre and unforgettable part of the film, and if you love backwoods horror slashers, it makes it worth the watch—especially since the movie is only 65 minutes.

 

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They came from the 80s…and landed on Blu-ray in the new millennium

As more and more 1900s horror of my childhood (damn, I’m old) makes its digital disc debut on Blu-ray, I give my brief thoughts on four recent releases that come from the 80s. Are they worth a buy even for diehard 80s horror fans (I know, isn’t all 80s horror?).

THE BRAIN (1988)

Brought to us by horror director Ed Hunt, who made Bloody Birthday in 81 then this film in 88 before disappearing from the radar for almost 30 years, returning with Halloween Hell in 2014, The Brain is the epitome of 80s sci-fi/horror camp. It even takes place at Christmas, landing it on my holiday horror page.

The opening scene tells you just what kind of 80s goodness you’re going to get. Whacky David Gale of Re-Animator is a psycho scientist using television commercials to brainwash people, beginning with a girl in her bedroom who hallucinates everything from a bleeding Teddy bear to attacking tentacles. Best of all, we meet the BRAIN. It’s huge, and looks like a mashup of the Freddy snake from Elm Street 3 and the Fiend Without a Face.

David Gale is surprisingly underutilized here, but his madness permeates the life of a high school prankster who seems impervious to his brainwashing.

The main kid is soon being chased by the scientist’s axe-wielding assistant and the brain, which floats around gobbling people up in spurts of bloody fun. Meanwhile, those who are effectively brainwashed commit murders of their own.

It’s midnight movie fun from start to finish, complete with a car chase. And the icing on the cake for me is that the final moment of the film brings the holiday to an end with a Christmas tree sitting out at the curb. Realism in horror is everything.

LINK (1986)

Richard Franklin, director of Patrick, Road Games, Psycho II, and Cloak & Dagger, brings us a deadly monkey movie two years before Monkey Shines.

This monkey cheesefest comes complete with hokey, campy, 80s synth style circus music, and it turns into a fun slasher with a monkey killer before all is said and done.

Young Elizabeth Shue is a college student who takes a job working at her college professor’s mansion, which is filled with super smart monkeys/apes. She creates a special bond with one called Link, but eventually Link becomes unhinged.

At first his behavior is protective of Shue, but eventually she pisses him off. And just when the movie seems like it’s running out of steam and has no clue what to do next to keep up the momentum, Shue’s boyfriend and all his buddy’s show up at the mansion to deliver a last minute body count.

While the movie tries to be serious and suspenseful, it’s mostly just a series of laughable situations, but it’s definitely entertaining enough if you stumble upon it on cable (which will probably never happen these days).

NIGHT BEAST (1982)

If you loved how goofy Rawhead Rex was but never saw Night Beast, you need to. It’s one I’m thrilled to add to my 80s horror collection.

The film wastes no time. Hunters see an explosion of light in the woods, they go to check it out, we get the full monster Monty, and then there’s a laser gun battle of Battlestar Galactica 1978 quality.

Super gory practical effects that usually look super fake add to the charm, the rubber monster rocks, and the poorly staged interactions between characters make this one a hoot.

I especially loved when a cop fixing the booboo on her partner’s leg serves unashamedly as foreplay to a sex scene.

Adding to the random character “development,” there’s a white trash dude who beats on his woman…and then gets brutally punished for it.

It’s amazing how easy it is to overlook such an inept “script” when there’s so much that is great about bad 80s horror movies in place.

TRAPPED ALIVE (1988)

This new array of 80s horror finally hitting Blu-ray ends as good as it began—and on the same holiday!

Trapped Alive is like Wrong Turn with all the 80s absurdity you could hope for.

Cameron Mitchell’s daughter leaves their Christmas party to go out with her BFF. The girls get stuck on a snowy road at night, three escaped convicts jump in their car, and it crashes through the ground into an old mine.

Before long, the group is locked inside a dungeon cell by a monstrous cannibal, who occasionally sends down his fricking crane game hook to snatch one of them up out of the cell to join him “for dinner”.

It might not be as gruesome as Wrong Turn, but Trapped Alive definitely has a great monster man, some vicious scenes…and a goofy final twist.

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