HALLOWEEN HORROR ROUNDUP 2019: slashers and a couple of anthologies

Posted on October 16, 2019 by Daniel

Time to get to a load more Halloween flicks being released for public consumption in time for the holiday (for a full list of Halloween horror flicks, check out my holiday horror page). Some of these barely touch upon the holiday, some barely deliver complete, comprehensive stories, and one is a sequel. But are any of these five worth a yearly revisit in October?

THE CURSE OF HALLOWEEN JACK (2019)

The Legend of Halloween Jack was an okay indie Halloween slasher I picked up on DVD last year, so when I discovered there was a sequel, naturally I had to add it to my collection.

In classic sequel style, the scarecrow killer is resurrected through the most absurd means; a cult brings him back with a sacrificial ritual, and then Halloween Jack just goes around killing (mostly) random people.

In response to the killing spree in the first movie, the mayor decides to cancel Halloween. Yet the cancellation of the holiday has no bearing on the proceedings.

It’s only Halloween Jack who serves as a foil for the unfolding events—namely, kids decide to have a secret Halloween party.

The film introduces a few characters, including a gay guy who could have been fun and at least lands this one on the die, gay guy, die! page.

But unfortunately no core group is fully realized because they’re disposed of too quickly!

The only character that matters is the main girl. Luckily for her, some caricature wearing an eye patch comes out of the woodwork with all the answers about how to kill Jack.

While the first film had a nice, lengthy party massacre scene, the sequel falls disappointingly short—Halloween Jack busts into the party, but people run helter-skelter with no real payoff (aka: slaughter). If the goal was to avoid a mere repeat of the first movie’s massacre, then, well…maybe a Halloween party shouldn’t have been the focus of the movie again.

There’s a good body count, a number of meta references to other horror movies, and several scenes that seem to pay homage to John Carpenter films, but overall the film seems to just go through the motions. I much prefer the first film (but of course I’ll buy part 3 if one is made).

THE TRICK OR TREAT PICTURE SHOW (2019)

These days, the goal of trying to bring an 80s throwback feel to indie movies has become a huge cliché, and what’s worse is that most of them fail miserably.

Anthology film The Trick Or Treat Picture Show goes for the VHS tape vibe big time visually—the film quality is definitely hurting—and it’s drenched with 80s style synth music. However, it’s also padded with so many “intermissions” it gets annoying…not to mention, these clips look like they came from the 1960s, not the 80s.

The other big problem…the stories. Most don’t seem to bother to end. They go absolutely nowhere, an intermission begins, and then a different story starts and you’re left wondering why the previous one never concluded!

A few of the stories are even done documentary style…as in, a character is interviewed and essentially tells a story. There’s no actual visual story.

There is a total Michael Myers rip-off, and one of the documentary stories gets into the Amityville house a little, but none of that is enough to make this worth watching. Also important to note—the stories aren’t particularly Halloween themed despite the title. There’s more Halloween spirit during the intermissions.

ONE NIGHT IN OCTOBER (2017)

This anthology tries to interweave stories in the same universe, a la Trick r Treat.

However, it not only never ties them in fluidly, it also jumps back and forth between storylines throughout rather than focus on one tale at a time. And only one tale really relates specifically to Halloween.

One story follows two couples—straight and lesbian—that have car trouble after strolling through a cornfield, and begin getting hunted down by a scarecrow killer.

Another tale has a woman who just moved into a new home decorating her house for Halloween when she suddenly falls victim to home invaders in masks.

The third story barely feels like a story—just a guy and girl seemingly hashing out their relationship troubles—until it eventually presents a sudden horror element late in the film.

There are a few twists in the stories, but overall there’s nothing frightening or suspenseful here, and the way the stories progress is a little messy.

PUMPKINS (2018)

The title and plot make this an October movie, but not specifically a Halloween film, since the holiday is not referenced.

An old man protective of his garden is harassed and dies in his pumpkin patch.

His appreciative vines then resurrect him as a pumpkin-headed killer.

It’s not enough that he goes around killing random people camping in the woods, but the pumpkins from his patch also roll around chasing and killing victims.

It’s kind of goofy fun (for instance, there’s pumpkin POV), and there are some okay kills along the way, but overall the film and the characters run around aimlessly. For instance…the movie ends when the pumpkins simply decide to return to their home…leaving a whole bunch of the cast behind…and alive!

INTO THE DARK: UNCANNY ANNIE (2019)

Paul Davis, director of The Body, last year’s Halloween installment of the Hulu Into The Dark series, brings us a much less edgy, less unique, and less gory Halloween flick this year.

Uncanny Annie is generic teen horror stuff.


Cute, but inexcusable to dress for Christmas on Halloween…

Kids play a spooky board game on Halloween, get pulled into the game, and are terrorized by Uncanny Annie and her killer friends.

Basically the group dies off one by one as each player encounters the creepy figures drawn on the cards they select while playing.

And in true PG-13 horror fashion circa 2005, ghost girl Annie is pale-faced and riddled with cheesy flicker effects.

It’s serviceable if your itching for the familiar, but there’s nothing truly frightening happening here. I do love the title though.

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It’s Prime time for some indie werewolf flicks

Posted on October 10, 2019 by Daniel

Good or bad, once in a while I need a werewolf fix. So…were these four I watched on Amazon Prime good or bad?

BONEHILL ROAD (2017)

The first werewolf film up is the second film I’ve covered from director Todd Sheets in the past few weeks. While I didn’t love Clownado, I’ve been looking forward to Bonehill Road.

Here’s the catch. This is like two different horror films in one. The werewolves, which are wicked cool old school costumes and not CGI, barely play a part in the film until the last half-hour.

Before that, this is a sleazy, low budget psycho killer movie. A mother and daughter attempt to run away from mom’s abusive man, crash their car when they hit a “wild animal” on the road, and end up in a house in the middle of nowhere.

They encounter Linnea Quigley and a couple other girls being tortured and terrorized. This captivity segment is the bulk of the film until finally…the werewolves bust in!

For me the werewolf segment was so much fun, complete with a practical effects transformation.

And while I appreciate the approach of mixing genres, I just couldn’t get into the torture and gore part of the film that preceded it. Do make sure to stick around for the post-credits scene. It is possibly the best part of the film–fun and werewolf awesome, with my Facebook buddy David E. McMahon flashing his furries in a transformation scene that made me cough up a hairball.

CARNIVORE: WEREWOLF OF LONDON (2017)

There’s not much substance to this werewolf flick, and that’s fine by me. A couple goes to a cabin in the woods, has a lot of sex, and is watched then terrorized by a werewolf.

The woman looks like Selma Blair.

The guy is one of a kind and so damn hot, with a bald head, a beautiful, huge honker you could ride all night, and a tight bod.

The shots of chest and butt are just icing on the cake.

  The nose is the cake. Mmm. I just want to deep throat that big piece of perfection.

Anyway, the film initially feels like a suspenseful slow burn, with some effective flashes of the werewolf lurking around the house and peering through the windows. Unfortunately, that happens over and over and over, making the brief 82-minute length feel longer.

Eventually the couple starts to battle the beast, and while it’s great to have a costume werewolf instead of CGI werewolf, the beast is not as cool looking once we finally see it in full light.

There are barely any kills, but there is some nice gore when the werewolf does claim victims. Finally, the initial twist is obvious, however the film takes an unexpected turn at the end and even has a fun final scene.

WEREWOLVES OF THE THIRD REICH (2017)

Director Adam Jones is one of those prolific horror directors I’ll always check out because I’ve enjoyed some of his previous films, even if not every one of them. Werewolves of the Third Reich falls into the latter category.

I’m not sure what the thought process was behind this film, but when I tell you a majority of it is all talk with no werewolf action, if you don’t believe me and watch anyway, I say in advance… “Told ya!”

So what’s all the talk about? How am I supposed to know? I got bored and tuned most of it out. But there are Nazis, Americans, and a crazy scientific plot. There’s some talk between military men about racism in the military. And finally, 65 minutes in, there’s an injection and some cool old school transformation…into a semi-werewolf.

Before the end there are a few more semi-werewolves, and at least a little gore. You just have to decide if it’s worth sitting through all the talk to get to this bit of horror excitement. Personally, I’d rather just watch a hairier werewolf movie.

IRON WOLF (aka: Werewolf Terror) (2013)

More Nazi scientists making werewolves! They only do it in the opening scene and feed the thing some humans. It’s quite funny watching someone off-screen throws buckets of blood at the actor.

Then it’s modern day, and a punk band wants to have a concert in an old Nazi lab. Yeah…that Nazi lab.

Aside from too much exploration time at the beginning, once the leader singer opens the vaults and lets out a dude in a cheesy werewolf costume and Nazi uniform, I felt like I was catapulted back to the eighties.

It might not fly with anyone born after like 1990, but this is the kind of low budget werewolf crap I grew up with, and I loved every minute of it—the uneven acting, the poor lighting, the awesomely mediocre special effects, and a group of stupid kids running around getting slaughtered.

And don’t turn it off when the end credits start to roll, because the movie keeps going.

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Twice touched by Tara

Posted on October 8, 2019 by Daniel

I figured I’d make this a double feature blog since Tara Reid appears in both films—neither of which is a Sharknado movie. What The Fields and The Art of the Dead also have in common is that Tara Reid is barely in either of them, but gets top billing because she was in American Pie and Urban Legend twenty years ago.

THE FIELDS (2011)

I went in blind, so when the words “based on true events” flashed across the screen at the beginning of The Fields, I was immediately expecting to be completely uninterested.

But soon after Tara Reid drops off her son to live with his grandparents on their farm, my interest was piqued. We say goodbye to Tara for most of the film, and Cloris Leachman steps in to save the day with her performance as the grandmother. I can’t imagine who thought it made sense to have Tara Reid in the opening scene of a movie starring Cloris Leachman.

I was hooked once it became clear the film takes place during the Manson family trial. The boy is fascinated and terrified by the story, which infiltrates his everyday life and magnifies his trauma from having his life uprooted.

On top of that, his grandmother warns him to stay out of the cornfields, he doesn’t listen, and he discovers something horrific.

The film wonderfully builds a creepy slow burn and quite successfully puts us in the boy’s head. We are led to believe something terrifying awaits in the fields, but a lot of what the boy experiences seems surreal, as if he’s imagining it or directing all his fears into horror of his own making.

And that’s where this one can throw horror fans for a loop. It’s a hard film to market because of the approach it takes to make a mystery/thriller feel like horror.

The film becomes more muddied as it progresses rather than clarifying matters, and rather than a mind-blowing climax, it’s tame and grounded in reality, with a disappointing final scene that leads everyone to the field, including Tara. That’s what happens when shit is based on a true story…truth is rarely better than fiction.

ART OF THE DEAD (2019)

A crazy beast, plenty of blood, and cheap, tawdry, somewhat twisted sexual elements are a guarantee in a Rolfe Kanefsky horror movie, so they are always an instant blind buy on DVD for me. After Party Bus To Hell was released last year, I didn’t expect to get another film from him so soon. So…yippee for me!

Art of The Dead delivers bizarre, trashy horror reminiscent of the direct-to-video indies I devoured in the late 80s, and even has a few familiar faces to start things off…Richard Grieco and Tara Reid, of course…without them sticking around long enough to ruin it. However, Tara playing a minor role as an art dealer in this type of film just makes more sense.

The film is about a wealthy family that buys a series of animal paintings at auction…and doesn’t heed a one-eyed priest’s warning about the inherent evil of the art.

There are a few gratuitous gore scenes to warm us up, including one featuring horror daddy John Molinaro, then everyone in the family falls under the spell of the art, which affects each of them in a different way. The good news is it always involves blood and sex.

The hot leading man from Kanefsky’s The Black Room gets weird…after first getting some.

The hot son gets inspired to paint using blood sacrifices for inspiration…while shirtless.

The innocent daughter becomes a slut, the mother begins an affair with a demon beast…

There’s a lot going on here. This is definitely one of Kanefsky’s films that derails a little and also runs a bit too long, but I’m such a fan of his wacky style that I got back on board when all hell breaks loose at the end…including a character entering the world of the paintings and encountering some bizarre creatures.

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DIRECT TO DVD and Streaming: the horror of Andy Palmer

Posted on October 7, 2019 by Daniel

Having seen director Andy Palmer’s films Find Me and The Funhouse Massacre, I added a few more of his films into my watchlist. However, the one I really want to see isn’t readily available yet, but if the rumors I’ve heard about it are true, a whole lot of horror fans are going to want to see it. That’s all I’ll say about that.

Meanwhile, here’s a quick look at two more Andy Palmer films I checked out on Prime.

BADLANDS OF KAIN (2016)

Running 110 minutes, Badlands of Kain is beyond a slow burn—it is repetitively ominous without delivering on its promises until the very end and could have been streamlined to 80 minutes.

The opener alone sets us up for more than we get, with a bitchy wife being put in her place, permanently.

Then we meet two young women on a road trip. The car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, they get towed to a small town, and have to stay overnight. The locals are eerily religious, and one of the girls begins seeing violent situations that aren’t really happening.

Virtually every suspense scene as the film crawls forward leads to a dead end, so we have to wait a long time to find out what’s really going on as the girls kill time in the town. The final twist is okay, but we’ve seen it dozens of times before, and this brings nothing new to the mix.

ALIEN STRAIN (2014)

Again, not one of Palmer’s most original ideas, this is a low budget alien abduction film.

A very cute guy is locked in a mental institution telling his story of what he actually thinks happened to his missing girlfriend when they went into the woods together…

Presented in flashbacks, the film tells the very slow and uninspired story of him trying to find his missing woman…with a little help from one of the girls from Badlands of Kain. There are some simple, alien-esque hallucinations along the way, but the leading man’s visual appeal is mostly what kept me interested, because this isn’t exactly Fire In The Sky.

Eventually the girlfriend returns, but she’s…different. The truth finally comes out when they go back into the woods. It’s the best part of the film, but is also basically spoiled by the cover art.

I definitely prefer Find Me and The Funhouse Massacre over these two. Here’s hoping Palmer’s latest film gets a wide release.

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When all else fails, it’s time to try out some ghosts, killer girls, and demons…

Posted on October 3, 2019 by Daniel

As my horror dry spell continues, I’m jumping around from streaming services to movie channels looking for any horror I may have missed to entertain me. So…did any of these four random finds do the trick?

GHOST LIGHT (2018)

Despite having a notable cast with a lot of comic experience, Ghost Light isn’t the ensemble supernatural comedy you might expect. It has some humor, but the cast is mostly underutilized. For instance, every time Carol Kane suddenly appeared on screen, I was like, “Oh! I forgot she was in this!” Every. Single. Time.

Essentially this is just…um…a ghost-lite film. A group of performers is doing a summer stock production of Shakespeare, and we are immediately introduced to the superstitions that can bring bad luck to a production, or in this case, conjure ghosts. And that’s exactly what happens.

There are some fun, spooky moments with thunderstorms and ghostly apparitions, but the ghost fun takes a long time to really kick in because the film is simply longer than it needs to be.

The climax delivers during the opening night performance, and there’s an unexpected twist, but my favorite part is when one guy is terrorized by a vision of one of the gay guys in the cast.

DOUBLE DATE (2017)

Talk about getting off on the right foot. It’s a horror comedy that starts with a brutal stabbing set to “Only You” by Yaz!

Double Date is about two murderous sisters that need a male virgin for their occult ritual. They set their sights on an awkward husky dude, but his cute, well-meaning buddy becomes the fourth wheel they have to figure a way to work around.

The bromance between the buddies is one of my favorite parts of the film, with the cute buddy being so secure in his masculinity that he is all over his pal while preparing him for his big date.

There are a couple of kills along the way, but the meat of the movie comes when the girls get the guys home and the truth comes out. Shit gets bloody, violent, and campy. There’s even some romance…

A DEMON WITHIN (2017)

This is PG-13 b-movie territory, so if you like girl possessed/exorcised movies with no gore, a typical plot, and cliché scares, this is a halfway decent one to check out. Personally, I had the most fun with it in the final act, when the girl starts writhing, crawling, and having all kinds of possessed playtime.

Before that, it’s a basic movie about a mother and daughter that move into a new house. Something happens when the daughter is home alone, she begins acting weird, a priest comes poking around the house, a doctor the mom is dating starts having flashbacks…

…and the girl goes all possessed on a few people in some seriously cheese “scary” scenes. The one attempt at a jump scare involving a little boy is so bad that only a ten-year-old girl might scream.

Like I said, the final act is the best, but the sudden introduction of a plot point involving a painting is introduced way too late to make sense.

THE FINAL WISH (2018)

The director of Gnome Alone brings us the usual derivative mainstream tween horror–aka, the rut horror queen Lin Shaye has been trapped in ever since making it big. Good for her, but I’d still prefer her trying to write Nancy a hall pass.

Cutie Michael Welch of Z Nation stars as our lead as the clichés begin…

– following a family tragedy, he comes back to the small town he left behind

– everyone from his past is pissed at him

– there’s a love triangle between small-town stereotypes

– he stumbles upon an object that lets him make wishes

– the wishes come true in awful ways

– he rips his hair out trying to stop the madness

– Tony Todd magically appears to reveal the chilling truth to him in an ominously mesmerizing tone of voice

– he has to visit a person locked away because they’ve already been through what he’s going through

– etc., etc.

Seasoned horror lovers might be let down by this one, but if you stick around long enough, you’ll eventually get a few glimpses of a cool demon.

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Giant bugs and familiar faces

Posted on September 30, 2019 by Daniel

Scrounging around cable and streaming services for films to watch with my man over the weekend, I couldn’t have planned a better hubby-safe creature double feature if I tried. He not only laughed, he even stayed in the room through both of them instead of bailing on me like he usually does when I miscalculate how grisly and gruesome my selections will be. Its time for actors we all know battling giant spiders and giant ants!

CAMEL SPIDERS (2011)

Perfect for the SyFy market, this creepy-crawly flick is from Roger Corman, the king of b-horror/sci-fi. If you’ve been watching his films for decades you’ll feel right at home, with the added touch of SyFy quality CGI critters. Now let’s see if I can get through this without accidentally writing camel toe instead of camel spiders.

Apparently deserts are a lot more populated than I realize. Here the military, a group of hiking friends, a teacher and his students, and a diner full of people are all on hand when giant camel spiders come crawling out of the ground looking to jump on human heads and make them explode. All kinds of heads…

We get a good 90 minutes of that kind of action, because the movie doesn’t hesitate in bringing in the camel spider swarm, and it never lets up.

Really, that’s all you need. As a bonus Brian Krause of Charmed is the main military man and C. Thomas Howell is the local sheriff.

The film takes itself rather seriously, so there’s really nothing in the way of humor here.

All the fun comes from the CGI spiders pouncing on every head they can, making them pop in a splatter of CGI blood.

A step above most SyFy creature features, Camel Spiders is still definitely just the foreplay of this double feature.

DEAD ANT (2017)

While I can’t imagine that the makers of this film actually stole anything from Camel Spiders on purpose, there are an odd number of similarities between the two films, from them both being giant critter movies that take place in the desert to specific comments made by characters. Weird.

The super fun heavy metal creature feature comedy no one is talking about, Dead Ant was made for 80s whores like me. A has-been eighties metal band is traveling in a camper to an outdoor music festival in hopes relaunching its popularity. But something wants to relegate the band to a permanent status as a one-power-ballad-hit wonder: giant ants!

The metal band includes the likes of Sean Astin, Jake Busey (who not surprisingly looks most genuinely like a hair band burnout), and sexy Rhys Coiro, who would look hot as hell in his metal garb if it weren’t for that awful hair.

However, it is Tom Arnold who steals the show as their manager. I don’t know if all his lines were written for him or if he did a lot of ad-libbing, but he gets all the best lines, delivered in his usual ADHD style.

There are plenty of campy attacks and goofy gore, the CGI ants are a blast, and the final fight at the festival is a hoot.

Plus, the original metal songs by the movie band rock (especially “Side Boob”).

 

And for people of a certain age (Gen X age), there’s 80s hair band humor, reference to a Pink Panther joke that gives the movie its name, and a montage set to “Cum On Feel The Noize”…however, it’s the original 1973 Slade version, NOT the 1983 Quiet Riot version. And while there are several different cover art designs for the movie, the one above is 80s throwback perfection, and I therefore refuse to acknowledge that any other one exists.

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Time for some masked killer action

Posted on September 25, 2019 by Daniel

This threesome includes a slasher comedy short, a slasher comedy long, and good old backwoods slaughterhouse horror.

REVENGE OF THE SLASHER (2018)

The speed-slasher that opens this short film definitely sets a tone, but that tone quickly shifts into totally campy territory.

The focus is on how both the final girl and the killer pick up the pieces of their lives after their final encounter—she wants to break free of the constraints of the slasher tropes that made her the final girl in the first place, the killer has to deal with the psychological trauma of fucking up and failing to kill her.

It’s a pretty darn clever concept with some funny moments, but it might be a little goofy for some. And despite approaching the meta subgenre from a fresh angle, many of the references made throughout are basically meta tropes two decades after Scream put meta movies on the map. I think the goal now for filmmakers trying to be meta is to find less cliché ways to reference slasher tropes.

THE KILLER IN THE HOUSE (2016)

I absolutely did not expect this little cabin in the woods movie to be as subtly charming as it is. The understated humor does exactly what I was talking about above—it finds some new ways to present meta jokes that in themselves have already become slasher tropes. Plus, the girls in the film really seem to get the tone the film is going for with their delivery.

After an opening kill satisfying enough to keep us watching, we meet a group of girls heading to a cabin in the woods. There is a rather overdone conversation about slashers, but the fact that one of the girls mentions a less obvious one as her fave and takes funny jabs at the flaws of an iconic slasher franchise saves the forced feel.

Killer in the House is definitely guilty of the usual—it runs about 15 minutes longer that it needs to, with much of the dialogue and drama between the girls creating a soap opera of romance scandal. There’s so much girl-on-girl loving going on this could virtually be considered a lesbian horror flick.

But of course a boy shows up to put a stop to all that noise…and to give us gay boys a little something to look at.

Hell, once the masked killer starts taking care of business, even that goes quickly from a whodunit to a “what the frick is going on”?

However, I was sucked in by the unconventional elements and the clever pokes at slasher clichés. Even the reaction to the unexpected twist made me laugh.

THE FARM (2018)

This is one of those movies I went into sort of dreading, simply because there’s never any telling how much torture these human harvesting films are going to subject us to.

The premise is typical. A couple is driving through the country. They get to an area where everyone they meet is fucking weird—stranded driver, locals at a diner, gas station attendant, hotel clerk.

How many movies have to be made before these dumb asses learn that if everyone you meet on a road trip is a weirdo, it’s a given that they’re all related and planning to make you dinner?

The Farm doesn’t even bother with too much character development. We get just enough talk between the couple before they find themselves in cages being brutalized by hillbillies in overalls and animal masks while other caged humans around them are being slaughtered.

There’s some good gore and there are a few fucked up scenes, but beyond the shock value scenes, this film is basically the farm animal version of Planet of the Apes. This is what we put the piggies, cows, sheep, and even baby lambs through, and it makes you realize how detached from humanity you need to be to treat living creatures this way. It’s the very reason I try my best not to use products that require animal parts (which is virtually impossible) and rarely eat meat anymore. Hell, these days I practically live on fruits, veggies, soymilk, (chocolate covered) nuts, and eggs (or as my vegan friend calls them…chicken abortions). Just the other day I corrected my hubby when he almost didn’t grab the cage-free eggs in the grocery store. Then I pointed to the much more depleted stack of cheaper, non-cage-free eggs and sadly said, “Like I’m making any difference when everyone else is just going for those anyway.”

Although this is what haters will probably call a “liberal propaganda film”, if the message goes right over your head (hard to imagine it would once you see the in-your-face still shot at the end), there’s actually some good stuff to enjoy here from a horror perspective. In particular, the long cat and mouse in the final act is one of the most suspenseful and satisfying chases I’ve seen in a horror flick in a while.

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PRIME TIME: when nothing is as it seems

Posted on September 24, 2019 by Daniel

Well, none of the next three films on my Amazon watchlist quite delivered what I expected. Was I disappointed in what I did get? Let’s find out.

THE DEVIL’S RESTAURANT (2017)

While not the most original concept—think Little Shop of Horrors—I was feeling what The Devil’s Restaurant promised at first.

A man makes a deal to sacrifice a demon in his restaurant basement in exchange for growth in his business.

Things are going smoothly—he simply brings it the most obnoxious, pain in the ass customers. But then a waiter catches on to what he’s doing, so the staff comes up with a plot to expose his nasty secret. What could go wrong?

The Devil’s Restaurant is mildly quirky and has some humorous moments with plenty of shenanigans, but it’s not quite as engaging or unique as the premise could be, and begins to drag.

Aside from not having enough really good humor, the horror elements are also lacking. And while I like not seeing what the victims are being sacrificed to at first (we just see blood splatters), but when we eventually are, it’s simply not the ominous threat you may have imagined.

SUBURBAN COVEN (2018)

I can’t quite figure out what audience this film is going for. I won’t dwell on it because despite being called Suburban Coven, this movie is virtually witch-free until the last few minutes.

An incredibly unnecessary 110 minutes long, it’s the story of a couple that gets into a car accident, moves into a new house after they recover, and run into marital problems because the husband can’t get it up for the wife.

This is mostly about their lack of a sex life and the approaches they take to fixing the problem.

They go to a sex therapist, all the neighboring couples seem to be into weird sexy stuff, and eventually, like I side, there’s a twist and the afterthought reveal: “Look! It’s witchcraft!”

HALLOWEEN HORROR TALES (2018)

I haven’t added this low budget anthology to the holiday horror page because as I suspected, it has nothing to do with Halloween. That’s just a buzz horror word slapped onto anthologies like these in hopes of sparking interest.

So taking this one on its own merits as an anthology film, what does it have to offer? For starters, having a plain girl standing in the woods introducing each story is as low budget as it gets. In the end, her presence is explained, but that doesn’t make her wraparound appearance any better for a horror anthology.

1st story – Would you believe it’s a killer clown story? He targets a particular house during the day, and it’s what you would expect from a low budget slasher. There’s some fun camerawork, but I seriously laughed out loud during a ridiculous scene of a girl dancing around a table to stay away from his knife.

2nd story – Not a bad plot for a little indie anthology short. A scream queen being interviewed by a horror host disparages her fan base. Big mistake.

3rd story – This is silly fun. A woman plants killer vines in her garden. Expect numerous scenes of floral garland being wrapped around victims’ throats, along with screaming flowers.

4th story – I kind of like this story of an investigator in a small town, where locals believe a vampire is on the loose. It’s low budget and takes place mostly in daylight, but I found a few scenes eerily effective and the vamp gave off a classic vibe.

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Halloween Horrors for 2019

Posted on September 23, 2019 by Daniel

It’s that time of year, and on top of any Halloween horror titles I’ve already added to the full holiday horror page this year, here’s my rundown of a handful more new ones to add to your October watchlist.

HALLOWEEN PARTY (2018)

Running less than forty minutes long, this holiday horror short is a good warm-up for your main features. It’s loaded with Halloween atmosphere and takes place in 1995, so there are plenty of Easter eggs from the 90s to keep an eye out for.

A bit of a slow burn carried by the lead’s intriguing performance, the film focuses on a guy preparing for a Halloween party…yet the only person who shows up is someone he didn’t invite…

It’s quite deceiving because you really don’t know what you’re in for or where the film is heading, but there are plenty of mysterious moments along the way to keep us guessing.

In the end it’s a low-key denouement and feels like a Tales from the Crypt zinger, but there is definitely plenty here to satisfy horror fans.

POSSESSION DIARIES (2019)

It looks like another one of those low budget camera POV/possession type movies…which is exactly what it is…but it’s also a Halloween film!

Possession Diaries manages to deliver more Halloween atmosphere than many Halloween horrors that are pumped out every year. That’s mostly because it takes place during the week leading up to Halloween, entirely in one bedroom all decked out for the holiday.

As far as horror movies go, it’s fairly generic. Weird stuff goes on in this girl’s bedroom after she uses a Ouija board, so she starts a live feed to document it. While most of the footage comes from the computer camera’s POV, the film smartly takes the liberty of breaking webcam POV mode when it wants the flexibility to deliver more of a story.

For instance, the girl has nightmares, obviously not caught on camera, which are some of the best “scary” scenes in the film, including a deliciously devilish demon sequence that was my second favorite part of the film.

My first was a suspenseful little scene that makes great use of a Jack ‘o lantern.

Oh! The opening scene, while not even necessary to the plot, also has a good creepy moment.

Anyway, the lead girl talks to the camera a lot, interacts with a few people who come into her room, gets numerous weird phone calls, and eventually starts acting strange. An hour into the movie there’s even a sudden, brief exorcism! Considering the title, I guess it was a necessary evil (or casting out of evil). But honestly, the half hour after that scene is rather anticlimactic.

CANDY CORN (2019)

This one comes to us from the director of Honeyspider, another Halloween horror movie. I had to go read my blog about that film because I couldn’t remember it at all. Not even the blog helped refresh my memory much beyond me being disappointed in the film.

The same is the case here—and I fricking blind purchased the dang Blu-ray of this one! Candy Corn is definitely more polished with good Halloween atmosphere, an effectively crafted score, and even classic Carpenter’s Halloween fonts for the opening credits.

Plus, it features plenty of horror veterans, including Pancho Moler (31, 3 From Hell, American Fright Fest) as a carnival leader, Malachai from the original Children of the Corn refreshingly in a starring role as the sheriff, and PJ Soles and Tony Todd, both in throwaway cameos.

To me, Candy Corn feels like another generic Halloween slasher with a sort of scarecrow corpse killer taking down victims. The kills are not particularly gory, suspenseful, or creative, and even the concept of the killer filling their throats with candy corn is not fully realized. And the film becomes repetitive: there’s a kill, the sheriff examines the crime scene, the main group of kids in the movie worries what this could mean for them, rinse and repeat.

The main group of kids is a bunch of bullies planning to prank an odd kid their leader refers to as a faggot. It’s astounding that writers can’t resist using that derogatory term just for the hell of it. Sure it might be realistic that jerks would throw that word around, but filmmakers don’t have to follow what culture dictates—they can also be leaders in not propagating toxic culture.

The prank plot is a bust, the odd kid ends up dead, and the carnival owner brings him back to life as a vengeful scarecrow corpse killer.

And there lies my biggest disappointment. I don’t care enough to be scared. The bullies deserve to die. My moral compass won’t let me feel anything for them. There’s simply no one for me to root for in this film except the killer. And I don’t like rooting for killers when I sit down to watch a scary Halloween movie.

SCARIEST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE (2018)

This haunted Halloween attraction film, shot found footage style, takes its time getting to the best part (the last twenty minutes), which to me, is fricking awesome. Sadly, the film is loathed by Amazon reviewers that probably didn’t bother reaching the end.

Compared to a majority of found footage films out there that are painfully boring until the last few minutes (I won’t even mention the agonizing queen of found footage films), this one at least keeps us occupied with a tour through a pretty damn atmospheric haunted attraction.

For Halloween, a small group of friends goes to a secluded, unadvertised extreme haunt. There’s definitely too much pointless banter between them before they even get to the haunt—just like every other damn found footage film—but this is what makes it feel like we are actually there with a group of friends.

The film does something I think is brilliant. It makes the haunt feel surprisingly tame and disappointing. Just like a real group of friends, this group chats with the haunters in costume, mocks them, and complains about how lame the haunt is. The weirdest thing they experience is some geek who keeps catching up to them wanting to join them.

Once we have our guard down, things start to ramp up. The kids go from one kill room to the next, and the haunt performers become increasingly weird and immersed in their stories as they torture and kill victims. It becomes so real and the rooms feel so genuine that some of the kids want to bail.

I personally loved the final act of this film. As the kids try to get out, the footage is claustrophobic, the sets are grisly, they run into some freaks we hadn’t seen earlier, the lack of any score makes it feel like we are trapped in the tight spaces with them, and there’s a clown—one of the most played out baddies of the genre—who is creepy as fuck in a very different ways for a change. The actor is perfect.

And the final frame? Well, it’s a clever little zinger that actually made me giggle. I’d take Scariest Night of Your Life over The Houses October Built and its sequel any day.

HAUNT (2019)

Finally it’s time for the overhyped hit of the season thanks to Eli Roth’s producer stamp of approval and it being co-directed by the writer and the producer of A Quiet Place, which is on my list of most overrated flicks of this decade.

Haunt is the haunted attraction flick for those horror fans that demand sleek, polished, mainstream horror.

The opening scene will remind die-hard fans of the original Elm Street for various reasons, and the next scene of a festive house getting hit by a pumpkin while a TV inside is airing the usual—Night of the Living Dead—definitely gets you in the Halloween spirit.

Then we meet a group of kids heading to a haunted attraction. Rather than the usual haunted attraction filled with haunters jumping out at them, this one mostly involves the kids weaving their way through various mazes and stupidly following instructions on signs to do things like sticking their hand in a hole in a wall. Silly kids. That’s what dicks are for.

This goes on for the first forty-five minutes before the fun finally kicks in. What to say? It’s definitely entertaining in a total pop horror way.

All the jump scares rely entirely on loud orchestral stingers, the gruesome gore makes up for that fact, the haunters that pursue them are effectively ominous, and the battle to the death is a blast. Also, some fans might appreciate that the film sticks to serious, never trying to inject humor into the mix.

I love that the final girl goes through serious hell, but it astounds me that seasoned horror filmmakers would use an absurdly overused cliché like the ***SPOILER*** old switcheroo—she kills one of her own friends who has been thrust in her direction with a baddy’s mask on. Ugh. Really?

Meanwhile, the final “revenge” scene is so ridiculous that I can’t even bother being annoyed by it. This movie just is what it is and will probably become a “classic” while loads of similar indie films fade into obscurity.

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PRIME TIME: the dead walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and run

Posted on September 17, 2019 by Daniel

It’s a five flesh eater flick marathon from my Amazon Prime watchlist. Are any of them worth a zombie-lover’s time?

DEATH WALKS (2016)

Even my hubby was intrigued by the story behind this one; a zombie movie made over the course of three years without spending a cent. It’s a bit manipulative that Death Walks informs us of its development story before the opening credits, and also lists the awards it has won at film festivals. For instance, as soon as the score began seconds later I said out loud, “Well, I can see why it won for best original music.”

It was a challenge to stick with the film at first. We are introduced to an excessive number of characters bumming around as they close up shop in a mall after business hours. I don’t think the slow burn approach builds tension quite like it intends.

Finally the zombies start suddenly appearing. They’re not gnarly or rotting, they just have prominent veins on their faces. They’re not slow or fast moving, they just stand there as motionless groups.

It’s actually incredibly effective, especially scenes in which they seem to inexplicably teleport closer and closer to victims, or when characters carefully weave between them.

Thing is, we rarely see people attacked. It’s most often cutaway moments with a scream, and then we just see a dead body lying there.

While the film is well made, there are some issues. Numerous times cutaway scenes leave out chunks of explanation. For instance, a scene of several people trying to escape via a ladder implies that the first one up is sliced by a huge fan that blocks the path, but the next thing you know, the others have somehow magically made it to the top of the ladder. Also, the purpose of many of the characters being there is not explained. They’re just there. And despite them knowing these things are dangerous, at times the characters just talk to them like they’re regular humans.

Eventually, we find out how the zombie infection started…sort of. There’s a cool twist even though it’s oddly farfetched, but another twist piled on top of that twist left me and my hubby completely confused.

EPIDEMIC (2018)

This little indie offers a different take on the infected genre, focusing on a small group of people at a party and the birthday girl’s bumpy relationship with her father. It smartly does it all in 71 minutes.

It also surprisingly branches off into unique territory halfway through rather than stick solely with everyone just getting infected and going after each other at the party.

And the guys are cute, I might add.

The infection begins with a not quite clarifying explanation; before going to the party, one girl finds a secret room in her basement and accidentally busts open a bottle of liquid.

By the time she gets to the party, she’s hallucinating and is soon setting off a chain reaction of guests puking on each other. Had the film been 90 minutes long, this thrilling sequence could have been expanded to bring more suspense and scares.

Instead, the movie switches focus to the dad and daughter. As odd a turn as it is, it’s definitely not predictable. My favorite horror moment comes right near the end of the film—even if it is essentially equivalent to a dream sequence.

PROJECT PURGATORY (2010)

During the zombie apocalypse, a big guy is welcomed into a safe house by a group of survivors after they see him single-handedly take down a load of zombies. While the general plot is as derivative as it gets, from the leader of the group having a secret room that is off limits, to a weasel of a survivor looking out only for himself, Project Purgatory plays by its own rules, which makes all its weaknesses its strength.

For starters, it’s not often that a low budget zombie film has barely any undead in it, yet I still find it ridiculously entertaining. What makes this low budget indie such dumb fun is all the infighting between the characters, over-the-top action sequences right out of the WWF, and awkward performances that are perfectly suited to the bad dialogue, offering plenty of humorous moments. Just the fact that the script had characters use the uncommon phrase “for all intents and purposes” THREE times throughout the course of the film adds to the unintentionally comical aspects of the film.

The nontraditional font used for opening credits was enough to catch my interest, and the first battle between the main guys and zombies told me I could expect cheesy good action throughout. There’s even an early zombie encounter that is surprisingly creepy because the zombies can speak–imitating whatever is said to them.

Then comes the good stuff. People begin dying in the safe house, and everyone suspects everyone else, which leads to plenty of confrontations between the stereotypical characters, the absolute best being when all the bitches in the place read each other to filth in the kitchen while pointing guns at one another. Naturally, there are some lesbians jabs while they’re at it.

Which reminds me, there was one dude who delivered some snarky lines at the beginning and seemed totally gay, but sadly, after the early spotlight on him, his character just fades into the background instead of playing a major part.

You finally remember you’re actually watching a zombie movie when they infiltrate the safe house in the last twenty minutes. They make funny moaning and groaning sounds when they fight the numerous burly, beefy guys in the safe house, adding to the camp factor as the film comes to a close.

Hey, I might not ever bother watching this one again, but I have no regrets about seeing it once.

INFECTED (aka: The Dead Inside) (2013)

Considering both the original title and the alternate title are generic, it’s no surprise this movie itself is paint-by-numbers. As a zombie fan, I have no problem with that as long as the film delivers the zombie goods.

While Infected has its moments, there were far too many minutes between them to keep me riveted. I can’t fathom why even the most motivated indie filmmaker would make a total retread of everything we’ve seen in bigger movies…and then drag it out for two hours. That truly is the downfall for me here.

The plot—after the outbreak, kids and military men meet up at the local high school and establish a “safe house” to live in. If you’ve watched The Walking Dead for the good part of a decade—or the uncountable number of zombie flix that have flooded the market since—you’ll guess everything that happens here: interpersonal drama, conflict, supply runs gone wrong, etc.

In between loads of dialogue there are some descent zombie scenes, as long as you’re okay with the shaky cam/quick edit style of fast running zombie movies. There’s some good gore, the zombie makeup is serviceable, and there’s even some suspense. Personally, my favorite zombie scene came 90 minutes into the film—one of those creeping through a dark building with flashlights scenes. Very effective.

The part I could have done without, which would have shaved ten minutes off the run time—not one but two montage scenes of characters killing time set to EMO tracks.

BROADCAST DEAD (2018)

The first 30 minutes of this Asian zombie film that takes place at a TV studio are so cheesy I didn’t expect much, but if you can overlook the agonizing, sappy love story accompanied by awful music, as well as the needless clips of an interviewer and martial artists discussing fighting techniques and weapons of choice, there’s definitely plenty of zombie payoff and gore.

Terrorists infiltrate the studio demanding air time or else they’ll release a deadly virus. Guess what happens accidentally…. Oops!

Honestly, annoying plot points aside, the setting and atmosphere reminded me of the best zombie moments in Romero flicks. Yes, they’re slow zombies, yes the terrorists have a ton of weapons that should guarantee they have the upper hand, but the zombies so outnumber them and surprise attack so much there’s plenty of flesh eating to satisfy.

However, I wasn’t feeling the long monologue by one character about the motivation behind spreading the virus. It closes the film and totally ruins the mood.

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