4 from the end of the millennium

Sure the 1990s was a tumultuous decade for horror. Sure most of the movies sucked. That’s why it’s tragic that the most unique films of the era are often ignored, have been forgotten, or are just never mentioned. For instance…

BURIED ALIVE (1990)

buried alive 1990 cover

If you have to go for an awkward yet nostalgic 80s to 90s transition flick, Buried Alive is about as good as bad video store horror gets: pathetically “based on the works of Edgar Allan Poe” (a black cat runs by a lot, someone is buried behind a brick wall); featuring absolutely pointless cameos by Donald Pleasence and John Carradine; and set in a girls school run by former mental patients (?). Yep, that’s late 80s/early 90s horror.

buried alive 1990 pleasence

Robert Vaughn is the strange “headmaster.” The students are a bunch of troublemaking bitches. As if that’s not enough to deal with, the young woman who comes to teach at the place begins having trippy hallucinations of talking brick walls, hands reaching from toilet bowls, and ants. Lots of ants.

buried alive 1990 toilet

There’s also a killer in a mask, but the murders aren’t shown on screen all that much.

buried alive 1990 mask

However, our main teacher girl begins sniffing around as some sort of excuse is made for why each girl is missing.

buried alive 1990 hair

The disjointed atmosphere as she explores the creepy place and weird, random characters just show up in odd places gives the film a bit of an Argento quality, plus John Carradine makes his usual shocking scary appearance, so what’s not to like?

buried alive 1990 carradine

This awesome piece of crap is from Gérard Kikoïne, director of Edge of Sanity.

buried alive 1990 head

CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT (1991)

children of the night cover

Tony Randel, director of other shitty movies of the era like Hellbound: Hellraiser II, Amityville: It’s About Time, and Ticks (which really needs a reissue on Blu-ray), scores his best flick with this Subspecies/Return to Salem’s Lot mash-up.

children of the night granny attack

Part freaky as hell, part absurd, Children of the Night begins with a Spielberg small town intro. Then two girls go swimming in the local crypt as part of a sort of teen rite of passage. A fricking crypt filled with water? It’s as nightmarish as it sounds, especially when they awaken the dead they don’t realize are underneath the depths. Fuck me.

children of the night swim

Adorable scream queen Ami Dolenz (Stepmonster, Ticks, Witchboard 2, Pumpkinhead II) is our main girl, and Peter DeLuise is the teacher who tries to protect her when the local mess of a priest (who’s pretty cute) reveals to him that the town is overrun by vampires…

children of the night deluise and priest

The film is part Evil Dead and part Evil Ed in look and feel as DeLuise, Dolenz, and the priest take on  an army of vamps that plan to hand the gang over to their hideous master.

children of the night master vamp

We get Karen Black in Exorcist mode.

children of the night karen black

There’s also a little mortal boy who works for the vamps (his reaction is classic when he gets staked).

children of the night kid stake

And joining the fun as a homeless dude with a vamp killing truck is Earl from 2 Broke Girls!

children of the night earl

PARANOIA (1998)

paranoia 1998 cover

Paranoia is a real oddity. There are a good number of slasher tropes, Dr. Giggles himself plays a serial killer that escapes from prison to come back for the girl that got away the first time, but there’s virtually no body count. It’s more like a 90s video thriller.

Our main girl is a home decorator who does some major transformations…she even gets hit on by a gay client when his husband’s not around. She’s struggling to come to terms with having escaped with her life when a serial killer slaughtered her family.

paranoia 1998 main girl

Now he’s starting to reach out to her via the Internet. So she turns on voice synthesizer to make things even more creepy. In 1998. She has a computer with voice synthesis in 1998. History lesson for the young ones. People didn’t have voice synthesis on their home computers in 1998. People pretty much couldn’t afford home computers in 1998.

The killer escapes prison. He takes his anger out on a pumpkin.

paranoia 1998 pumpkin

Meanwhile, the main girl hooks up with a cute guy from her past and they begin dating.

paranoia 1998 boyfriend

Dr. Giggles is not surprisingly awesome as the killer as he has unnerving interactions with people as he travels toward his victim…leaving could’ve been victims behind. Bummer. He does kill one dude in a public restroom, and his explanation why is so chilling that it virtually makes up for the fact that he only kills the one dude.

paranoia 1998 bathroom victim

It’s when Dr. Giggles reaches our main girl that Paranoia finally finds its unique angle.

paranoia killer

And it’s so good that this could have been an amazing post-Scream slasher if he had just gone on a nice juicy killing spree before reaching her. It’s worth watching to get to the twist, but it’s a plodding journey.

TERROR TRACT (2000)

terror tract cover

This cult favorite anthology is a team directing effort from Lance W. Dreesen (Big Bad Wolf) and Clint Hutchison (Conjurer), and I sure wish they had worked together again, because Terror Tract is a classic.

We get another Spielberg-esque opener, this time on a suburban street…before the foreshadowing of the darkness to come in the wraparound. The late great John Ritter is a real estate agent desperate to sell a house to a couple – David DeLuise (this is getting weird) and Allison Smith of Kate & Allie.

terror tract wraparound cast

The stumbling block for Ritter sealing the deal is that he can’t stop himself from telling the couple about the awful things that happened in each house he shows them…

1st story – When hubby’s away, the wife will play…with her hot boyfriend.

terror tract boyfriend bod

This tale is kind of like the Leslie Nielsen/Ted Danson segment of Creepshow with a twist.

terror tract dead husband

When hubby finds out about the cheating, someone ends up swimming with the fish, then someone else does just what you don’t want them to…goes underwater later on to make sure the body is still there and isn’t going to come back from the dead.

terror tract underwater

2nd story – Bryan Cranston plays a dad whose little daughter – who looks uncannily like young Chastity Bono – finds a monkey in her yard and convinces him to let her keep it. It’s not long before the little fucker goes ape shit! And of course the whiny little brat keeps protecting it.

terror tract killer monkey

My stomach sank when the exterminator came over, and I just knew how things were going to turn out for him. But when he pulled out his big tool, all I could think was, “We’ll deal with the monkey later. What are we going to do with that?”

terror tract exterminator

3rd story – End an anthology strong with a granny masked slasher! Yes!

terror tract granny

A cute guy comes to a psychiatrist to tell her that he’s having visions of the murders right before a serial killer strikes. The kill scenes are great, the killer is freaky as hell, and the main dude takes a shower.

terror tract shower1

Plus, it looks like we may learn what really happened to Mary Alice on Desperate Housewives…

terror tract mary alice

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Two backwoods horror flicks to leave you scarred and plank faced

A seemingly cheesy indie slasher gets brutal, and a seemingly brutal backwoods horror gets too disturbing for my fragile male ego to handle.

SCARRED (2013)

scarred cover

Although I haven’t seen Lady Krampus as of this writing, having already blogged about Hellweek and Voodoo Rising, I’d say Scarred is indie director Eddie Lengyel’s strongest flick yet. Hard to believe this one came out before Voodoo Rising, because it kind of blows that one away.

The one thing you need to know before getting into it is that you have to put up with the b-movie slasher feel of the first part of the film. There’s lots of hokey dialogue as models are assembled by an agency and sent to a location shoot in the woods with a small crew.

scarred pumpkins

There’s an early kill of a chick on a car hood to introduce us to the vicious masked backwoods killer, an awesome pop rock tune during the opening credits/model montage, the introduction of the weird couple that runs the place at which the models are staying, and the presentation of their odd little daughter’s obsession with a legendary killer they forbid her to talk about.

scarred killer

Then in comes Ari Lehman – original drowning Jason Voorhees –in a cameo as a local who tells the models the legend of the killer around a campfire.

scarred fireside

Considering this is a big, menacing old school killing machine with absolutely no “personality,” who better?

scarred chainsaw

And then the slaughter begins. Scarred has some great hardcore kill scenes, with no CGI crap. You can also expect to see some nasty pain inflicted on those the killer hates the most.

scarred eye burn

Plus, rather than the usual pretty boy hero, our “final guy” is a cub with a sense of humor. He manages to stand out and steal the show more in the final act than he does earlier in the film.

scarred main guy

PLANK FACE (2016)

plank face cover

Few horror directors these days can make me go into a movie with a pit in my stomach like Scott Schirmer (Harvest Lake, Found). He has the ability to go to all the places I really don’t want to go when it comes to combining horror and sex. Unfortunately, he manages to make me feel so uncomfortable so damn well that I keep coming back for more.

With Plank Face, Schirmer begins by pretty much showing other indie directors how fricking simple it is to make a kick ass intro kill scene to a simple backwoods slasher, complete with girl tits, man ass, and a killer. But the real kick in the face? This isn’t a simple backwoods slasher.

plank face first couple 1

plank face first couple 2

A pretty couple heads into the woods for some weekend camping. When a fricking hillbilly tries to force himself on the girlfriend, nothing is as it seems, and just when you think the boyfriend is really going to teach this hillbilly a lesson…

plank face payback

You end up with a movie that is a fuck you to every straight male viewer that has ever gotten off on every misogynistic moment of every horror movie ever made that put women through some of the most vile, violating experiences imaginable.

plank face old lady

Plank Face is a movie about three primitive backwoods women – a senior lady, a pretty younger woman, and a woman hidden behind a bunny mask – that abduct the boyfriend and begin a horrific process of making him one of them.

plank face first feel

Torturing him, raping him daily, forcing him to take part in cannibalism, affixing a permanent wooden mask to his face…

plank face bathing

I couldn’t stop squirming in my seat as I watched this young man being physically and mentally broken.

plank face mid splatter

I was terrified, repulsed, devastated, and heartbroken at the hopelessness of his situation. And the things he was made to witness and do…

plank face victim

Scott Schirmer has done it again. He has destroyed my faith in humanity and torn out my soul and stomped all over it, leaving me an empty shell of nothingness. Holy shit, he’s a genius. He has made me…Plank Face.

plank face bod

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STREAM QUEEN: zombies, a rat man, and a bat man

I’ll make this trio quick – creeps from between 2003 and 2013.

ZOMBIE NIGHT (2003)

zombie night cover 

As far as valiant low budget zombie efforts go, I give this one a thumbs up, especially since it’s juggling a whole lot of characters and a much bigger environment than it probably should have.

zombie night 2003 cast

 Zombie Night throws back to the good old days of slow moving Romero zombies, with tons of gut-munching, atmospheric darkness, and loads of infighting between survivors,

zombie night 2003 silver zombie

However, it has a vast cityscape as its playing field, so characters, motivation, and story begin to get lost in the zombie shuffle.

zombie night 2003 female zomface

However, the upside of this being an indie is that it goes where most mainstream films don’t these days—a good old sex scene. Right in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, no less. And this chick could zombreast feed an entire army of the undead.

zombie night 2003 zombface eat

It also delivers a ruthless traitor to the group, making for some vicious conflict.

zombie night 2003 bad guy

There is one major monologue to God that I could’ve done without.

zombie night 2003 bite

Dude, if you’re still asking an invisible man in the sky if you’re being tested when everyone around you is being eaten by zombies, expect me to turn quickly between shooting zombies in the head to blow yours off, because clearly you’re one of the brain dead.

BOTTOM FEEDER (2007)

bottom feeder cover

While I was hoping for a nasty gay porn (I think the kid on the left in the pic below was, too), I was still pleasantly surprised. This is a low budget creature feature done just right.

bottom feeder teammates

It doesn’t get any seedier than a sick man with a fucked up face meeting a guy to buy a special underground drug underground.

bottom feeder sick guy

This miracle medicine regenerates cells, and will do wonders for your face—as long as you don’t suffer the nasty side effect that makes you so hungry you’ll eat and then turn into the nearest thing you see. In this case, a sewer rat…

bottom feeder monster

Meanwhile, Tom Sizemore plays a sanitation worker who brings his crew on a special cleanup job…take a guess where.

bottom feeder sizemore

While the tunnels in the sewers make for a dark movie, it works to great effect to keep the hideous rat man in shadows. Even so, we see more than enough of his oozing, slimy skin to know he’s topnotch horror monster goodness.

bottom feeder face cuts

Action, scares, and gore galore – a total jaw detaching moment is my fave – make this highly recommended when you need some cheap thrills to wash down your popcorn and cherry cola.

bottom feeder jaw

LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL (2013)

like a bat outta hell cover

As bad as CGyFy films are, at least there’s usually action thrown in at a fairly steady pace. Like a Bat Outta Hell gives us an hour of a handful of young documentary filmmakers exploring the same abandoned slaughterhouse and surrounding area over and over again with just vague hints that they’re eventually going to see something to explain the occasional signs of blood and glimpses of a mysterious creature.

like a bat outta hell cast

There’s the usual old dude who knows a little more than his cryptic warning is revealing, some hot guys, and plenty of arguing going on between characters, but an hour passes before the action finally kicks in—when the group wakes to find one friend’s face completely ripped off.

like a bat outta hell face

Okay, that’s pretty damn cool, but it doesn’t make up for an hour of no hot guys getting naked—I mean, no monster.

like a bat outta hell wings

As CGI as the flying bat monster is at times, it’s a step above most SyFy trash (okay, maybe a baby step).

like a bat outta hell bat hang

The action is about as generic as it gets and pretty brief, but it is fun while it lasts, especially since most of it takes place in flashlight beam. We also get good old bat night vision POV.

like a bat outta hell cemetery

When all is said and done, the movie comes to a rather confusing as hell conclusion. There’s a lot to put up with here just for a short span of monster madness and a couple of hot guy, one who is shirtless just long enough for this quick peek into the back of a truck, and the other who is barely in the film, pretty much just standing there like that with his arms crossed for his entire appearance as he takes a conference call with the kids.

like a bat outta hell guys

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It’s bears vs. bear in a gay backwoods slasher

bear creek cover

As every gay male horror fan clings to the hope for a definitive, worthy all-gay entry in the horror genre, indie filmmakers continue to pour their blood, sweat, and tears into low budget productions hoping to break the gay horror curse. Problem is, in an industry that has even makers of mainstream horror begging for money to produce their films and barely reaching their budget goals, the chances of gay directors getting enough funding to put together a film that even vaguely lives up to their vision are slim.

Keep that in mind with a really open mind when watching Bear Creek. Celebrate the fact that Bear Creek takes the simple slasher formula of young, pretty straight people heading into the woods for a weekend of camping only to be killed off by a masked killer and swapped in burly, furry, cute gay bears. Because Bear Creek is a rough production and it shows from the start.

You can expect frustrating audio problems—for instance voice levels are all over the place so numerous lines of dialogue are completely lost, and mikes are slammed by outdoor wind conditions, also drowning out dialogue. Video is generally good, but there are odd moments of film quality changing, most noticeably during a campfire scene. A sudden downgrade in quality and steadiness between camera angle shifts had me thinking perhaps killer POV was being implied, but then the same change in quality suddenly happened mid straight-on shot. There are also varying levels of acting abilities. Some guys are more natural, some seem like their main goal is just to deliver their lines…and make sure they can remember their next line. The really good news is that our final bear is not only adorable, he is one heck of a screamer.

bear creek lead

Yeah, I’m talking about you, so stop giving me that look or the letters on my keyboard are going to be sticking pretty soon and I won’t be able to finish this blog.

The final bear helps make the final act of this film the highlight, so let’s get to it. I’ll start off by noting that I watched the film on Amazon Prime and it had a running time of 68 minutes, while it’s listed as running 90 minutes on imdb. Either imdb has an incorrect time, or the film has been butchered for Prime now that Amazon is demanding major censoring of many of its movies—particularly horror films and films with male nudity. I hope that’s not the case, but if so, I really need to see what I’ve missed by grabbing a copy of the disc, which you can get here. I’ll see if I can get director George Climer to verify for me if there is a 90-minute version.

bear creek cast

The setup is basic. A bunch of bears (and one pseudo cub) are hanging at a bar and decide to go camping at Bear Creek. The setup is so basic that there’s a bit too much filler here, such as unnecessary focus on the bartender mixing the guys drinks –time that could have been used to better establish the relationships between the guys or to at least give them some fun lines that would endear them to us. We really don’t get much of that at all before everyone starts getting killed off (it’s also possible I just couldn’t hear them).

bear creek fire

Bear Creek also does no slasher embellishing beyond a scary campfire story, and not even that ends with a traditional jerky prank scare, such as a bear jumping out in a hockey mask. There is no encounter with a local weirdo warning the guys away from the woods. No one gets the unnerving feeling that he’s being watched. There is no killer POV. No shadows suddenly dart across screen behind characters. There are no extraneous characters to provide us with a warm-up kill. The only suspense created before the murders begin comes via misplaced, ominous music cues, and it’s an issue I see (or hear) time and again in indie horror. A sustained tension chord is played for no reason at completely inappropriate times with no payoff, not even a cheap bogus scare: while a guy is just sitting smoking, while a guy is fishing, while two bears are walking and enjoying some playful flirtation. This not only clashes with the tone of the on-screen situation, it also creates a false alarm scenario, numbing viewers for when the time comes to actually deliver the horror.

But before we even get to the horror, there’s the sex. Some find it very frustrating that gay horror movies include pointless sex and nudity because it adds nothing to the horror and portrays gay men as nothing more than sex fiends. I understand what they’re saying and I wholeheartedly think they should shut the fuck up. As a horror-devouring teen in the 80s, I had to put up with endless unnecessary female tits, ass, and 80s bush in my horror, so I want tons of big fat hairy moobs, asses, and dicks in my gay horror now.

bear creek 3some

In fact, I hope there is a 90-minute cut of Bear Creek and the extra 22 minutes is predominantly sex and nudity. In the 68-minute version, there’s just some brief threesome foreplay, and the climactic moment of our final bear taking it like a man—with a smile on his face.

bear creek layed out 2

Look at that smile. I said the smile. Guys, the smile.

bear creek sex

And then the killing begins…

bear creek fisherman

Conveniently, the next morning, all the guys get up and split up to go off into the woods to do their own thing.

bear creek stuffed bear

The kill scenes are of the classic 80s slasher sort, they’re all cutaway kills, and they all take place during the day.

bear creek trap

My favorite is actually a straightforward knife kill because the setup shot is so simple yet highly effective, the attack is fast, furious, and brutal, and the musical score in that moment kicks ass, reminding me of good old 80s Euro horror music. There are also several appearances of the bear killer that made me jump without relying on a musical sting, so color me impressed.

bear creek tied up

And then we have our final bear’s fight to the death with the killer. It just tickles my whiskers seeing a big bear rolling around on the ground with a knife-wielding killer. I was so psyched when he knocked the fucker out and reached to take the mask off…but then looked away and decided against it! WTF? Well guess what? Audio problems strike again. It turns out a cop car was pulling up in the distance and that’s what makes the final bear walk away from the killer before the unmasking, you just can’t hear it. The cop’s arrival brings even more indie horror quirks. The final bear leads the cop into the woods where he left the killer in broad daylight, and when the camera cuts, it’s pitch black night and the cop is carrying a flashlight!

The final final battle involves some good old torture and our scream bear delivers big time. All I’m going to say is, only in a gay horror movie would an iron come into play in the middle of the woods.

bear creek scream king

This is what I’d call a “leftfield” killer: has absolutely no connection to anything that happened previously in the movie and therefore a whole lot of exposition is suddenly necessary to give the audience a backstory.

Will there be a sequel? It’s quite possible based on the final frame, which actually gave me and my hubby chuckles rather than chills. Even so, it accomplished its task. I will so be back to watch our final bear’s seam again…I mean, to watch our final bear scream again.

bear creek booty

Posted in Johnny You ARE Queer - Gay Thoughts, Movie Times & Television Schedules - Staying Entertained, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

STREAM QUEEN: time for a cabin in the woods marathon

I wish there were a way to have films with descriptions that begin “A group of friends heads to a cabin in the woods…” on streaming services automatically deposited into my watchlist. In this case, the cabin films got me a mixture of werewolves, infected, demons, and a slasher.

THE SHATTERING (2015)

shattering cover

Initially, The Shattering feels like it has a whole lot of potential. A group of friends is driving to a meet a healer that is supposed to have a cure for their friend’s cancer.

shattering handmouth

When their car breaks down, something attacks, they run for it, and someone starts shooting at them as well.

shattering gore2

They take cover in a cabin in the woods. They find diaries and videos that offer revealing information about werewolves and the healing power of wolf saliva, plus they fight among themselves.

shattering shoot

We also learn that when a female finds out her man is cheating on her, it doesn’t matter that there are werewolves and sharpshooters outside. She’ll take the risk and run out of the cabin just to get as far away from him as possible.

shattering gore1

This werewolf film runs only 75 minutes long, but feels longer. That’s because, well, although this is a major spoiler, it’s one you’ll want to hear – you never see a werewolf. What I’m saying is, this movie is all words, no wolf.

FROM BENEATH (2012)

from beneath cover

This is a film about a couple trapped at the girlfriend’s family lake house as some sort of leech virus starts to severely affect the boyfriend.

from beneath couple

He begins to suffer from disturbing hallucinations as he slowly becomes “infected.”

from beneath intro

The intro scene is dark and foreboding, and the general setup of the couple’s predicament is ominous, but dialogue and plot become repetitive for a majority of the film and get bogged down by a sleep-inducing piano score, despite the film having some generally great horror atmosphere.

from beneath couch

Just when the suspense at last kicks in for the climax – a repeat of the scenario from the intro scene – the horror is accompanied by an instrumental imitation of Bauhaus’s “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” that drones on and on just as much as the 10-minute goth rock classic.

from beneath girl

While the acting in indie horror isn’t often make or break, in the case of From Beneath, it really matters.

from beneath carry

While the acting in indie horror isn’t often make or break, in the case of From Beneath, it really matters. There’s simply a level of intensity needed for the circumstances and the clash between the protagonists that isn’t reached here. These characters experience some gnarly, horrific, and devastating shit…the actors, not quite as much.

NEVER OPEN THE DOOR (2014)

never open the door cover

I almost want to go against everything I stand for to say that I wish this film from Bloody Bloody Bible Camp director Vito Trabucco ran about ten minutes longer. Never Open the Door is only 64 minutes long, so just when the horror really had me going, the big Twilight Zone-esque twist hit and it was over! But hey, I know if those extra ten minutes were there, I’d probably be like, “if only it had been edited down by ten minutes.”

never open door window

The nod to Evil Dead is undeniable from the very start as shaky cam comes upon a house in the woods where a group of friends is celebrating what sounds and looks like Thanksgiving dinner (Turkey, cranberries, etc.). The film is shot in black and white, so it also captures the spirit of the edgier horror of the 1960s.

never open door tie up

The good thing about the short length is that we get just the right serving size of character development before moving on to dessert – a knock on the door.

never open door doorway

A bleeding man stumbles inside spewing blood. Uh-oh. Is Cabin Fever on the menu, too?

never open door demon guy

Not quite. There’s still demonic indulgence to come, but most of it is teased until closer to the end of the film.

never open door lick

The chaos that erupts because these friends opened the door involves them turning against each other as they try to locate the mysterious force they’ve invited inside.

never open door shower

While it does leave some unanswered questions and not as much demon camera time as I would have liked (because what we get is quite effective), Never Open the Door is creepy, funny, and fast-paced, making it a good way to squeeze in an extra hour of horror during a marathon. I’ll definitely be adding this one to my film collection.

never open door demon in back

CABIN FEAR (aka: Seclusion) (2015)

cabin fear cover

So glad the title of this one was changed. Seclusion sounds way too serious and drab, because Cabin Fear is a blast and took me right back to the days of good old 80s slashers.

cabin fear couple

It’s all very simply. A guy and girl are getting married so they head to a cabin in the woods with their friends to celebrate.

cabin fear old man

In between having sex, fighting, and listening to stories from the weird old caretaker, the friends get killed off by an unseen psycho with various sharp weapons.

cabin fear arrow redo

Classic kills and body reveals galore offer up that old school slasher vibe.

cabin fear bug

Cabin Fear also delivers the perfect blend of fun and funny, thanks to a likable cast that has a good time and a good grasp of comedy, including director Joe Bandelli, the dude with an arrow in his dick above. Personally, I think he should have kept himself alive a bit longer, because he was giving me a good giggle.

cabin fear scream

Plus, the guy who gets the big sex scene is the guy who should get the big sex scene. Yummy. And I’m not talking about the cake (but I am talking about the cakes).

cabin fear cake

And finally, the main girl’s battle to the death with the killer kicks ass. Cabin Fear is definitely another one I’ll be adding to my movie collection.

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Zombie turns into Zombi 2 turns into loads of Zombi

The time has come at last for me to delve into the “franchise” spawned by Lucio Fulci’s zombie classic. Despite these 4 films not being an official series, they make up one of my favorite cheesy 80s Euro zombie gorefest marathons. It really doesn’t get much better than this for me.

ZOMBIE (aka: Zombi 2) (1979)

zombie 79 cover

When Romero brought his zombies back from the dead after a decade at the end of the 1970s, Lucio Fulci was pulled into the game of the dead with Zombie. It even got marketed as an unauthorized, unofficial sequel to Dawn of the Dead in Italy, where Dawn was titled Zombi. Zombie was released as Zombi 2 there, which is why you won’t find a Zombie 2 on the U.S. market.

Zombie sets up the general template for the majority of films in this franchise – a group of people encounters zombies on a desolate island.

From the very first scene of cops boarding an abandoned boat in New York and being attacked by a big angry zombie, this classic delivers on the Eurogore and Technicolor blood. Some of the zombies do look like they just had sand pies pasted onto their faces, but they are apropos once we get to the tropical island location.

The daughter of the boat’s owner, a scientist, wants to know what became of him. So she and an investigative journalist (Ian McCulloch of The Ghoul, Zombie Holocaust, and Contamination) hitch a boat ride with a couple to an island where another scientist has been running the hospital, practicing voodoo, and shooting dead patients that rise back up.

Fulci pretty much tells Romero’s blue-painted Dawner dead and pie-throwing bikers to go play in the kiddie end of the pool. This shit is where the zombie future was at back then, taking the living dead to new horror heights with some of the most iconic moments in zombie film history.

There’s the amazing scene of a zombie fighting a shark.

zombie 79 shark

The excruciatingly drawn out scene of a zombie impaling a woman’s eye on a huge splinter of wood.

zombie 79 eye

The discovery of the same woman’s body being absolutely devoured at a sit down meal by a zombie family.

zombie 79 feast

The ultimate eerie scene of zombies rising from the grave, worms pouring from their orifices, in broad daylight.

zombie 79 stand and wait

An equally chilling scene of the zombies hogging the camera when it’s suddenly night time about 2 seconds later…

zombie 79 night zombie

And of course there’s the absurdity. Like the one woman who has already seen zombies, yet just stands there and watches as a zombie very slowly rises from the grave only inches in front of her, giving her all the time in the world to run. And later, when her man comes face to face with her zombie form in the jungle…and just stands there, with a gun in his hand, and waits for her to go in for the kill.

zombie 79 headed for city

Or the final scene, which shows zombies crossing the bridge into New York City (cool) as a voice-over has a newscaster reporting that the zombies are coming, that “They’re right outside the studio, they’re breaking in, they’re….aaaaahhhh!!!!” Classic.

ZOMBI 3 (1988)

zombi 3 cover

In some markets, the 1974 classic Let Sleeping Corpses Lie was re-titled Zombi 3, while Nightmare City gets that distinction in yet others, but this is the official unofficial Zombi 3.

Fulci started this film, then his version was edited down and completed by Bruno Mattei (Rats: Night of Terror, Hell of the Living Dead, Scalps, The Other Hell) and Claudio Fragasso (Hell of the Living Dead, Monster Dog, Rats: Night of Terror, Scalps, Troll 2), who wrote and filmed more scenes, making this a delicious disaster.

Scientists are performing secret experiments with a drug that reanimates the dead on a tourist resort island (because, where else?). The intro experiment gone wrong scene is uber awesome, with the subject looking freaky before he even morphs into a mutated mess.

zombie 3 intro experiment guy

Someone infiltrates the lab and steals the drug, spills it all over himself, then hides out in the nearby luxury hotel, where he gets a facial – zombie facial!

This film is utter chaos. There are military men, tourists, they all encounter hordes of zombies, I have no idea who is who, they eventually cross paths and continue encountering zombies, and that’s all that matters.

zombie 3 approaching zombies

One hunky army dude has a great acrobatic action sequence avoiding zombies. They tear his T-shirt, knock him in the water to make it a wet T-shirt, and seem to set off fog machines simply by existing.

zombie 3 t shirt hunk

In fact, the whole movie is like a haunted funhouse of fog machines, spider webs, and neon lights.

zombie 3 spider web

There’s a swarm of zombie birds, a fast zombie with a machete, a talking zombie on a mission to kill one particular woman over the course of the film, a zombie baby, and a zombie head that leaps from a fridge. It’s ridiculous how entertaining this film is.

zombie 3 fridge head

There’s one character named Kenny and one named Roger, so at one point, a terrified female character is crying out “Kenny Roger!,” which I found hilariously distracting in a “Coward of the County” kind of way. During a zombie ambush, a guy cries to one of his buddies, “Don’t come!” which makes me wonder if that’s the origin of the “Don’t come” called out by victims in the light gun arcade game The House of the Dead. Hell, so much of what goes on in the Zombie films seems to be the inspiration for the plots of every zombie video game of the past 20 years.

zombie 3 DJ

And finally, we get another dopey good ending. The film has a Greek chorus of sorts, in the form of a cute DJ that periodically interrupts proceedings with commentary on what is happening. His final word sounds very optimistic, but when he turns to the camera, we get the impression that his optimistic outlook is more in favor of the zombies…

ZOMBIE 4: AFTER DEATH (1989)

zombie 4 cover

Director Claudio Fragrasso is back for this installment. As for other versions of Zombi 4, Fragrasso and his buddy Bruno Mattei have managed to get their film Hell of the Living Dead from 9 years before slapped with the title in some markets, and it’s a good fit for a marathon since it’s another “zombie island” flick. And in the U.S. of all places, 1973 film A Virgin Among the Living Dead was pawned off as Zombie 4 on VHS at one point apparently. 

I’d say this is one of my favorites simply because it is as 80s as they get. The “Living After Death” pop rock theme song alone got me going, and there’s plenty more where that came from on the soundtrack.

 

The intro scene has a black bear daddy voodoo priest playing with his nipples –

zombie 4 witch doctor

I mean…performing some sort of ritual in a cave to make some dancing chick go all Geretta Geretta Demons on a bunch of white researchers in a flurry of gore.

zombie 4 demon chick

Years later, the daughter of two of those researchers comes to the island with a backup team to try to uncover what happened to them. She has dreams of zombies, she wears a key around her neck that’s supposed to keep the doors to hell closed, she knows all about voodoo rituals. Therefore…she just stands silently by and watches when Jeff Stryker reads ancient text from a book they find on a candlelit altar.

zombie 4 stryker

Yes, I said Jeff Stryker, as in 12-inch cock Powertool gay porn star Jeff Stryker.

zombie3 jeff

Even he stops himself and says he can’t do it. So…some other dude picks up where he left off.

zombie 4 book

Not that it matters. They ran into some crazed zombie guy that bit one of their friends when they first arrived on the island, so trouble was already brewing.

zombie 4 zombies

It’s zombie island paradise as Stryker and co. run through clouds of fog machines and red and green neon lights, get torn to pieces by zombies, turn into talking zombies, and dodge shooting zombies.

zombie 4 shooting zombie

The only real letdown here is that the crazy demon bitch from the beginning doesn’t play a bigger role throughout the film.

ZOMBIE 5: KILLING BIRDS (1987)

zombie 5 cover

Finally, there’s Zombie 5: Killing Birds, made 2 years before Zombie 3 and Zombie 4 and directed by Claudio Lattanzi and Joe D’Amato of Antropophagus fame. Another film that landed the Zombie 5 title in the U.S. was some 1983 Edgar Allan Poe adaptation called Revenge in the House of Usher. Meanwhile, Killing Birds even managed to get promoted to Zombie 4 in Thailand. And while we’re at it, since Joe D’Amato made this film, his 1981 film Absurd, known in some parts as Antropophagus 2, is known in other parts as Zombie 6: Monster Hunter. Hey, I wonder if every horror movie ever made could be linked as one big franchise using the “also known as” titles listed on imdb.

Now back to Zombie 5. If only this film had been set on an island, it would have fit in a bit more with the other films, despite some nonsense involving birds in this one. It’s a stretch, but it’s possible to make a connection—and explain why there are even zombies, since the movie doesn’t—by pretending that the caged birds in this movie are residual zombie birds from Zombi 3 that maybe spread the infection in this film.

The opening scene has a soldier returning from war. He uses a knife to kill a man and woman sleeping in bed and then kills a couple that shows up with a baby.

zombie 5 forehead knife

It’s completely impossible to know who any of these people are if you don’t read the description of the movie on the Internet. Honestly, it doesn’t even really matter. After the soldier kills them, he starts to clean up the bloody mess and is attacked by large birds that escape from cages around the house and pluck out his eyes.

Years later, college students are on the hunt for a rare bird that’s about to go extinct. So they go bird watching around the house of a bird expert with an eye patch, played by veteran actor Robert Vaughn (CHUD II: Bud the Chud, Transylvania Twist, Buried Alive). After an agonizing montage of them bird watching in the area, they find a dead corpse in an old pickup truck in the woods…then just continue going about their day.

zombie 5 window POVWindow POV – never a good sign.

They set up camp in an old house filled with birdcages, and pretty soon a couple of them are having nightmares about zombies and being stabbed to death by Robert Vaughn. And still, they stay. That night, one chick has a creepy encounter with a zombie in a storage room that perfectly captures the spirit of all the films that came before this one and finally kicks off the zombie fun.

zombie 5 through wall

There aren’t hordes of zombies here, but the quality of the zombie segments are up there with the best and the gore won’t leave you hungry.

zombie 5 neck rip

There’s an attempt to escape by vehicle that is pretty much stolen directly from The Fog, and another scene has a guy being lifted right out of a room by the head when a zombie crashes through the ceiling—echoing a similar attack in Zombi 3.

zombie 5 fog

The weakest part of this film is the absolutely pointless and inconclusive story about Vaughn and his birds that opens and closes it. It makes no sense in the context of the zombie plot…but it does make it appear that Stephen King stole a major aspect of his novel The Dark Half from the film Zombie 5.

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ACTING DEAD: Tate’s dying to get the part…

acting dead title

Acting Dead is one of those fast-paced, quick-witted, blink and an episode is over shows that is perfect for the format in which it is presented – web series! If you watch all 8 episodes straight through, it clocks in under an hour.

acting dead carolyn hennesy

And it feels even shorter because it’s funny, campy, sexy, horror themed, and features plenty of familiar faces, including Debbie Gibson, Carolyn Hennesy (True Blood), and horror hottie Sean Kanan (Hide and Go Shriek, Hack!).

acting dead debbie gibson

acting dead sean kanan

Tate is an actor who has tried everything to land a role—including a fleeting stint in gay porn. It was just more than he could handle…

acting dead locker

Yet he can’t even get cast as a zombie, so his agent is about to give up on him. Seeing his dream coming to an end, he decides to turn that dream into a living nightmare. A living dead nightmare, that is.

actin dead woman zombie

With a new lease on death, Tate pounds the pavement (actually, he drags it), and encounters a variety of unique fellow actors, such as a big guy who would rather be doing a whole different kind of flesh eating movie with him…

acting dead affectionate actor

Tate even befriends a ghost girl struggling to be noticed at auditions ever since her cold dead body was dumped in a garbage bin.

acting dead ghost death

Meanwhile, he has to hide his zombie identity from his roommate (who is convinced he’s a closet case), and make sure to take a special pill that suppresses his urge to eat the delicious slabs of beef on the menu wherever he goes.

acting dead gym

If Tate can just score a leading role he could clean up come award season…as long as he doesn’t shoot himself in the head by chowing down at the wrap party.

acting dead attack

 

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Don’t break down in the cold or the aliens will get you!

A deformed masked killer flick, a chilly thriller from an established horror director, and a low budget alien indie. So did any of these streaming selections win me over?

ENGINE TROUBLE (aka: Junior) (2002)

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What begins as an ominous intro scene of a woman combing her hair in front of a mirror by candlelight becomes overly long before any payoff…and pretty much foreshadows a problem of drawn out scenarios that plagues this entire film.

night feeders intro

Two pretty young women head out on a road trip to a driving montage set to blaring rock music, which gives us little time to learn much about the girls.

engine trouble main girls

Their car breaks down in “the middle of nowhere”…between a couple of buildings…so one girl heads off on foot to get help. The other stays at the car, and her nightmare begins.

I suspended disbelief for quite some time after she got the car working again, realized there was someone in the trunk of the car fucking with her, got out of the car, failed to flag down help, and so…got back in the car. I mean, it’s pretty hard to continue watching from any perspective other than, “Bitch deserves to die,” at that point.

engine trouble car attack

But, hey. It’s pretty thrilling when the freaky masked killer with the scary blade finally comes out to play and really fucks with her in and around the car. Yes, she gets out of the car and then gets back in again.

Fast forward to her finally being held in the killer’s lair, and the remainder of the movie becomes like nails on a chalkboard. And by that, I mean, it’s like someone grabs your hand and starts scratching your nails on a chalkboard for an hour straight.

engine trouble killer

There’s another chick tied up, screaming and whining nonstop. When another character suddenly appears and immediately launches into an unsolicited monologue describing the entire backstory of why the killer is how he is, I was just about to shout “KILL THAT BITCH ALREADY!” when the new character interrupted himself and made the same not so subtle request for me.

engine trouble throat

After that kill, it’s virtually all dialogue as the main girl tries to weasel her way out of her predicament for the remainder of the film.

NIGHT FEEDERS (2006)

night feeders cover

Well I’ll be damned if this isn’t the little low budget indie alien flick that could – could keep me from contemplating what I might want for Christmas three years from now, the type of thought that usually whirls through my mind when I watch movies. I was actually riveted if you exclude endlessly looking at my two pups and telling them how cute they are—and I do that in my sleep. Seriously, I wake up about once an hour throughout the night, reach out in the dark for a furry form on the bed and whisper, “You’re so cute. I love you,” then feel around to find another furry lump, think, “oh, that’s just my husband,” then finally touch a third furry body and say, “You’re so cute. I love you, too.”

Night Feeders comes from the same year that brought us Altered, another film about country boys that spend a night battling vicious aliens in the woods.

night feeders cast

Take that movie and apply some SyFy grade CGI for many of the special effects, and you’ve got Night Feeders. But you have to look past the cheesy graphics that are used at times for the alien moments (and fire effects), because this is really a well-crafted creature feature with plenty of tense atmosphere, jump scares, gore, dry humor, and a cast of charmingly goofy guys.

night feeders cast in car

Hunting buddies are camping in the woods when hostile aliens of the classic bug-eyed variety attack. The guys hole up in a house in the woods, but that doesn’t stop the angry aliens, and it turns into a battle to the death!

night feeders arm

Despite the use of CGI, much of the more traditional alien effects are shrouded in shadow, dark lighting, and fleeting camera work, giving this a more traditional “what you can’t see is scarier” approach.

night feeders window grab

And considering this alien looks cool after I did a screen grab and lightened it, there really wasn’t a need to mask the effects. This little bugger perfectly fits the tone of this creature feature.

night feeders alien

Chill a case of cherry cola, pop a huge bowl of popcorn, turn off the lights at midnight, and do this one as a double feature with Altered.

FROZEN (2010)

frozen cover

Adam Green of Hatchet fame shifts away from mutated monster slasher madness to bring us a familiar thriller plot device—a small group of friends faces the natural horrors that come with being trapped in a situation from which there’s no immediate escape.

In this case, Shawn Ashmore (The Barrens, Mother’s Day remake, The Ruins, Blood Moon), Kevin Zegers (Dawn of the Dead remake, The Curse of Downers Grove, The Colony, The Hollow, Wrong Turn, Fear of the Dark), and Emma Bell (Final Destination 5) inadvertently become trapped on a ski lift at the end of the night…right before everyone heads home for the weekend.

frozen cast

As is always the case with these stranded situations, they have a near brush with rescue (cameo by ex-Jason Kane Hodder in a snowplow that’s just too loud and too far below for him to see or hear them). They make a stupid mistake (Zegers believes he’ll make the jump from the ski lift in one piece).

frozen leg

And humans learn a harsh lesson on why they should just stay home in front of the TV watching bad thrillers about people stuck in ski lifts (frost bite sets in, sun sizzles them, hungry wolves arrive).

frozen wolves

There was just one part of this film that got to me. Emma Bell starts to fall apart worrying about her pet at home, and how it’s going to starve to death thinking the whole time that she betrayed it, deserted it, and left it there to die. That part killed me.

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Getting through the 90s with Full Moon

There was a point in the 1990s when you had pretty much no choice but to watch a film by Full Moon Productions if you wanted to see something vaguely resembling a horror film. The studio carried horror through the decade with some cheesy films that look like masterpieces compared to the stuff Full Moon “Features” turns out these days. There were at least some pretty damn good monsters thrown into the mix, plus notable horror directors and actors. So it’s time to cover the bulk of all the films I’ve not yet covered from that era!

SHADOWZONE (1990)

Shadowzone cover

Prolific director J.S. Cardone (The Slayer, The Forsaken, Wicked Little Things) started the 90s off with the type of movie that saw the downfall of 80s horror: the dreaded low budget other worldly portal horror. Ugh. Full Moon definitely had an obsession with attempting Lovecraftian horror—and butchering it.

Louise Fletcher, who thankfully became the queen of shitty horror after winning an Academy Award for One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, plays a scientist fucking with humans in an underground facility.

shadowzone autopsy

A hottie from NASA comes to investigate the accidental death of a subject, but for a good part of the film all we get of horror aside from the nasty body he examines is a nightmare he has.

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He connects with a blonde scientist, there’s a bratty monkey pet hanging around, and Miguel A. Núñez Jr. of Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, The Return of the Living Dead, and Leprechaun 4: In Space firmly establishes the horror time period.

shadowzone miguel

Finally, the scientists demonstrate their experiment for the NASA hottie, open a portal to another dimension, and let in something deformed at around the 55-minute mark. They go hunting for it, and “it” essentially turns out to be pulling a body snatcher pod game on them.

shadowzone alien

Unfortunately, only the initial scene revealing the situation delivers any good horror. The crew spends most of the time roaming around the boring sets, so you just have to sit around until the end of the film to see a genuine monster with its own identity…and the main girl conveniently naked. Ah…1990.

NETHERWORLD (1992)

netherworld cover

Another prolific director, David Schmoeller (Tourist Trap, The Seduction, Crawlspace, Puppet Master, The Arrival) gives us a Full Moon erotic occult mess.

The intro scene is better than the rest of the film. A guy roams a whorehouse that looks more like a fun house, and despite freaky deformed freaks popping out from around corners, he enters a room with a pretty whore and forces himself on her.

netherworld maze freak

A cement hand flies off a wall and through the halls, eventually attaching to his face with gory results. Awesome.

Next, a pretty boy inherits his dad’s mansion, fully staffed, complete with a hot chick, and finds his dad’s book on the occult. He reads it, learns all about his dad’s efforts to resurrect himself, and is sexually harassed by some big weird dude at a bar.

netherworld whorehouse hunk

Following leads to a woman who knows all about how to resurrect the dead, he visits the whorehouse, where a different pretty boy with a great ass gets his eyes gouged out by that damn flying stone hand.

netherworld eye gore

Meanwhile, our main guy spies on sex that turns pretty freaky with masks. Just when you think it can’t get any weirder, daddy returns as a talking zombie, and shows a really inappropriate appreciation for his son.

netherworld dad looks at son

netherworld dad kiss

Don’t even ask me how birds play into all this supernatural sex.

BAD CHANNELS (1992)

bad channels cover

Bad Channels didn’t deserve to be released in 1992. At the latest, it should have been a 1989 film. 1987 would have been ideal.

bad channels rock band

This is not a 1990s film.

bad channels fungus

Director Ted Nicolaou, the man behind Subspecies, Full Moon’s most successful 1990s franchise, charmed us with the new wave sc-fi/horror comedy TerrorVision in 1986, which is why this heavy metal sci-fi horror comedy would have been a perfect follow-up a year or two later.

bad channels cow singer

Original MTV VJ Martha Quinn stars as a reporter covering a story about a shock jock when an alien invades the radio station.

bad channels martha

bad channels alien

While a group is trapped inside, an alien fungus is also taking over, using the airwaves and the blaring of heavy metal music to abduct women, shrink them, and put them into little test tubes.

bad channels test tubes

Bizarre music videos, heavy metal hair bands, a soundtrack and score by Blue Oyster Cult, fungus monsters that look like Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors, a giant alien, Martha Quinn…

 

Can I rewrite history and pretend Bad Channels came out in 1987 and not the year MTV became “The Real World Channel”?

 

SEEDPEOPLE (1992)

seedpeople cover

Director Peter Manoogian, who brought us Full Moon’s Demonic Toys, is given the task of making what is essentially a mash-up of Critters and Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

seedpeople slime

In a small town, These nasty pods in the woods start bursting and shooting goo all over people, forming pods around them. Furry creatures pop out of the pods, and while they may bring to mind all the critters of those low budget 80s movies that followed Gremlins, they’re bigger, and have none of the personality.

seedpeople monster

These are mean bastard. But they do look absolutely hilarious when they roll into a ball and knock people over like bowling pins.

seedpeople scientist

It’s stupid fun for sure with some quirky characters, but by the end of the film it begins to feel like dialogue has been lifted directly from Invasion of the Body Snatchers as all the locals become blank, emotionless pod pushers. I prefer the Seedpeople bowling parts.

LURKING FEAR (1994)

lurking fear cover

Full Moon gives us one of its coolest creatures (that looks kind of like a full-sized Crypt Keeper)…but it doesn’t show up until 51 minutes into the movie and barely gets any starring time!

lurking fear monster

Supposedly based on an actual Lovecraft story, Lurking Fear opens strong, as a new mother is dragged into a vent by an unseen creature as her sister protects the baby.

lurking fear pretty boy lead

Next, we meet a whole bunch of greedy people after riches supposedly buried with the father of a hot guy just released from prison. They all end up in a church, fighting and pointing guns at each other, until eventually the creature breaks through a window and takes a bite out of a guy.

lurking fear family

Good news is, there are even more of the creatures underground, so at least there’s finally some horror payoff.

lurking fear leads

Plus, it stars Jeffrey Combs, Ashley Laurence of Hellraiser, and Vincent Schiavelli, the psycho subway spirit from Ghost.

SHRUNKEN HEADS (1994)

 shrunken heads cover

Richard Elfman, brother of Danny Elfman of Oingo Boingo and director of 1980 cult film Forbidden Zone, brings us another pretty dang bizarre movie. He even gets his brother to supply the main title music.

 

Shrunken Heads is almost like a charming family-friendly horror movie…only it’s not. There are these three boys who regularly hang out at the corner newsstand with the old guy who runs the place (veteran actor Julius Harris). But they’re constantly bullied by the local street gang.

shrunken heads bullies

One night, three boys make the mistake of getting in the way of some gang/crime related business…and are killed! Conveniently, the old newsstand man is into voodoo.

shrunk heads old man

He tosses them into a cauldron, resurrects them as flying shrunken heads, and sends them off into the night to exact revenge on the bullies.

shrunken heads in cauldron

Yep. It’s a charming movie about shrunk head boys that go and kill their bullies.

shrunken heads floating

Even better, the dead bullies turn into zombies that then go help kill the other bullies.

shrunken heads zombie

Even better than that, one of the kid’s has a little love interest, and her virginity becomes a crucial part of all the voodoo magic.

shrunken heads meg foster

Toss in an appearance by 80s horror/sci-fi icon Meg Foster as—a drag king?—and Oingo Boingo’s “No One Lives Forever” from 1985 on the soundtrack, and this is pretty much another Full Moon flick that probably should have been made in the 80s.

 

CASTLE FREAK (1995)

castle freak cover

Castle Freak is in a totally different realm than any other Full Moon film, clearly because it comes to us from director Stuart Gordon of Re-Animator fame, and stars Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton of Re-Animator. Oh, and it has a kick ass monster, nasty gore, and a gothic setting.

castle freak gets daughter

Combs and Crampton inherit an old castle complete with a staff, thunder and lighting…and a grotesque monster locked away in a dungeon somewhere. When their blind daughter begins exploring, she has a pretty damn creepy near-encounter with the creature, which causes it to break free from its chains and start terrorizing the family.

castle freak combs

Castle Freak is unforgettable for its absolutely nasty scene of the freak’s encounter with a prostitute.

castle freak prostitute

The creature also takes a nice bite of a cop’s eye, takes an amazing leap from a castle window, and has a great fight to the death with Combs in the rain. Castle Freak is a classic.

HIDEOUS! (1997)

hideous cover

Man in charge Charles Band directs Hideous!, and the title says it all. This is pretty much the point where Full Moon decided that some bad humor, tits, and flirtations with lesbianism should be enough to keep young straight boys interested. Don’t ask me if it works.

There’s this group of rich people that buys and collects deformed freaks. One guy’s latest purchase is stolen by a shirtless woman wearing a gorilla mask, so he goes to the FBI for help.

hideous thief

The investigation leads them to the mansion of another collector. Yet another quirky Full Moon cast ends up at a mansion, where this guy keeps his deformed freaks in tanks.

hideous in jar

Turns out, the little freaks are missing from their tanks. And they’re missing from the majority of this movie. Man, it’s bad. This Puppet Master cookie cutter is no Puppet Master.

The cast just talks and fights and runs around trying to get out of the mansion. Eventually, they accidentally unlock a door that reveals the freaks, and decide they’re going to capture the critters. So…they run around some more.

Finally, a monster makes an appearance, sucking on the tit of a sleeping chick—a Full Moon go-to—and then the cast runs around the set some more.

hideous boob suck

This shit is BORING. It’s not even about the hideous monsters. It’s about the hideous people so obsessed with collecting them.

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Boys, bears and the backwoods horror of Slasher.com

slasherdotcom cover

And now for something completely different from Chip Gubera, director of the horror musical Song of the Dead. Actually, since that 2005 film, everything Gubera has made seems pretty unique. Unfortunately, he hasn’t done enough in terms of full-length films. There were two campy horror/wrestling movies that I kind of want to see now, because Chip just does whatever the frick he wants, playing by no horror rules or market expectations. Even Slasher.com, which seems like it’s going to be one of the most predictable backwoods torture porns ever, melts the mold.

The intro definitely sets a tone, with a black and white kill scene, reports of cyber dating murders, and raids on people having sex.

slasherdotcom main couple

This establishes our concerns for the young main couple. They meet face to face for the first time after hooking up online. Their first date is…a weekend at a cabin in the woods! They pick up a key to the place from the couple that owns it, played by Texas Chainsaw II’s Leatherface R.A. Mihailoff (Pumpkinhead II, Revamped, Dark House, Krampus: The Devil Returns) and Jewel Shepard of Return of the Living Dead (the new waver that wasn’t Linnea Quigley).

slasherdotcom family

The couple also has a pervy daughter.

slasherdotcom doll playYou know a guy’s straight when doll parts and boobs
don’t send him running and screaming back to the city.

Things get very No Vacancy, with the couple having some fun sexy times and clearly being filmed.

slasherdotcom dip

Any you know where it’s leading when the weird owner brings them some goodies to eat and drink. It was the main guy shirtless that kept me watching, even after the couple fed him a spoonful of some other guy’s…well, let’s just say this is one kinky couple that is into everything. 

slasherdotcom other caught guy

If daddy would just dump his bitch, he and our main man could make Mapplethorpe magic together.

slasherdotcom bound

The shocker is, if you tune out the screams, the movie is not about the torture, but the main guy’s attempts to escape his captors and get help…in his undies. Delicious.

slasherdotcom main guy still

Unfortunately for the people the main guy runs into along the way, there’s some fun gore.

slasherdotcom mouth stick

But at least the last thing they get to see is a cutie in his black boxer briefs.

slasherdotcom tent guy

slasherdotcom kneel

Our main guy makes some pretty smart decisions and puts up a damn good fight under horrific circumstances.

slasherdotcom body pile

Then suddenly, things get unexpectedly campy before a whole lot of totally fricking awesome surprises are tossed in during the final act.

slasherdotcom wrestle

A movie in which a hottie runs around in his undies and wrestles a murderous daddy bear, leading to a devilish climax? Now that’s my kind of backwoods horror.

slasherdotcom knife

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