Results of getting to the video store too late Part 5

Even more movies you’d rent from the almost empty video store shelves on a Friday night out of pure desperation in the 80s. But could you make it through this trash trilogy?

DEATH SPA (1989)

The sights and sounds of Death Spa will catapult you right back to 1985—which is weird, considering it came out in 89. But the fashions and the music are the closest thing to perfect—and by that, I mean, they’re like watching the video for Jermaine Jackson’s theme song to the 1985 flick Perfect.

There are numerous montages of gals in spandex and leg warmers and guys in tank tops and short-shorts dancing to electronic funk. I refuse to believe this movie wasn’t made when Five Star, Klymaxx, and Ready for the World were burning up the R&B and soul charts.

There’s also Johnny Slash from Square Pegs as…a possessed twin drag queen?

I honestly didn’t know what the frick was going on. Bad shit is happening at this health club: evil sauna, killer steam room, kamikaze shower tiles, loose diving board, hunk-hating gym equipment, blood thirsty blender, killer freezer containing killer frozen fish. WTF?

Meanwhile, Ken Foree of Dawn of the Dead makes a terrible attempt at being the hero while dressed like Aladdin. There’s also plenty of full female nudity, a male psychic, a Scooby Doo subplot, and pretty much a ghost Carrie going wild in the last few minutes of the movie. But most importantly, Michael Zbornak’s African-American wife from The Golden Girls plays a detective and still has her glorious dreadlocks.

Yeah. If you weren’t around in the 80s, you just aren’t going to get the appeal of Death Spa.

DEATH WARMED UP (1984)

Death Warmed Up is also known as Death Warmed Over. Either way, Warmed is a hot 80s mess!

From what I could tell, some random young jogger runs into a hospital and overhears a mad scientist’s evil plot. The doc grabs him and makes him shower.

The jogger is really into it, showing off his luscious body and even running the soap up his butt crack. Then the doctor grabs him and gives him a big one in the ass—a big hypodermic, I mean.

The jogger happens to be Michael Hurst of the Hercules series from the 1990s. And here’s Michael looking like a big gay sexy angel.

The jogger goes nuts and ends up in a loony bin.

Seven years later, the jogger has been released and is a platinum blond new wave pretty boy heading to a remote island with his girlfriend and another couple. Little do his friends know he’s come to get revenge on the evil doctor.

On the ferry ride, the guys get into a fight with these Road Warrior looking hillbillies. The hillbillies chase them around the island in a yellow truck. The hillbillies chase them on motorcycles when they explore some dark underground tunnels.

Eventually, one hillbilly releases a bunch of “crazies”. They’re not really zombies, just freaks that foam at the mouth and feel hot inside, which leads to their heads eventually bubbling and bursting. There’s a siege scene, a lot of chase scenes, and the usual total chaos of nonsensical horror films of the 80s. But Death Warmed Up does show a gruesomely detailed brain surgery.

And speaking of brains, Michael Hurst’s brains must all be in his wiener, because there’s a scene of him in a Speedo and his package is the size of a grapefruit. WTF?

BLOODTIDE (1982)

This creature feature stars that studly blond prick from The Karate Kid movies, looking mighty fine in just tight white shorts through most of the movie.

He and his lady come to a Greek island looking for his missing sister. They find her, hanging at a convent, where she’s painting pictures and acting all weird and trippy. They also meet James Earl Jones, who is also acting weird and trippy. I thought he wanted the white boy as his bitch, especially when this moment happens (which includes an air kiss):

But it turns out James has a dumb and fun white bitch, played by the voluptuous Lydia Cornell of Too Close for Comfort. She’s the only normal one on the island.

Religion, weird townsfolk, an underground cave, and an ancient monster all come into play. But Bloodtide goes nowhere—and not fast. Jaws-esque underwater monster POV looks cool and familiar, but there are very few deaths in the movie. But the monster is a wickedly gnarly early 80s creature that doesn’t get enough screen time.

Eventually, the crazy sister uncovers a painting that shows the creature—with a tiny phallus it’s about to inflict on a woman. When the monster takes a big bite out of James Earl Jones’ crotch, you know it’s all about his envy of the big Black man penis. And you will most definitely laugh when James’s eyes cross in response to the bite.

And to top off this disaster, the weird sister kisses her brother passionately on the mouth at the end of the movie. He looks just as confused as the rest of us. He was probably thinking, “What is this director on?”