Flashback to the days of V/H/S

They’re the only anthologies in my collection that I haven’t blogged about, so I thought it was time to revisit the V/H/S franchise and remind myself of which tales are my favorites.

I think the series does a fantastic job of reinvigorating the found footage genre by making it an anthology in which every story, including the wraparound, is first person. So let’s get to the breakdown.

V/H/S (2012)

The wraparound in the first film has a bunch of scummy guys hired to break into a house and steal a VHS tape. They find a dead dude sitting in front of a bunch of TV monitors. So what’s on the monitors?…

1st story – this is the one that gave the franchise its reputation, scored its own spinoff movie SiREN, and is still one of my faves. Guys pick up some girls and take them to a hotel room to party. But one girl with freaky eyes just keeps repeating “I like you” to one of the guys who happens to be wearing glasses with a hidden camera built in.

When the other guys try to gang bang the weird girl, we get to see just why she’s so freaky, genitalia goes flying, and we even get to see a cutie naked (before the flying genitalia part…).

2nd story – eh. This one is about a couple that goes on a road trip, not realizing that someone is coming into their hotel room at night and filming them sleeping. The twist at the end is the payoff, but it’s a forgettable tale overall. It’s even more of a letdown because it comes from director Ti West. For a while there, he had many of us expecting something good every time he got behind a camera.

3rd story – another naked cute guy, plus there’s some great gore.

A group of friends goes into the woods, where anyone who looks through the camera ends up dying at the hands of a killer that only appears through the lens.

4th story- an odd mix of subgenres, this one has a girl video chatting with her boyfriend nightly because she keeps hearing someone in her apartment. She also has a weird growth on her arm…

5th story – it’s a Halloween tale! Guys go to what they think is a house party, but end up interrupting some sort of ritual. They rescue a girl and try to escape, which leads to some creepy shit happening.

Cool story, but just as it’s going somewhere even more thrilling, a fricking train enters the picture and ruins everything.

V/H/S 2 (2013)

Most of the wraparound in this one is lame—except when the two investigators spy on a cheater and we see his dick. They then go to the house of a missing college boy and watch videos…

1st story – this weak warm-up is the familiar story of a guy who gets a transplant and then starts experiencing weird things. This time it’s the eye, and it sees dead people.

2nd story – this is one of my faves, about a guy wearing a GoPro while bike riding on trails. Zombies attack and it becomes a zombie POV flick! When it came time to eat, I’d so be the zombie below…

3rd story – this one has a slow build…And subtitles! Ugh. I really hate when movies aren’t consistent. If I don’t know from the start I’m going to be dealing with subtitles, I don’t want to deal with them. Luckily, this turns into an insane horror flick, with documentary filmmakers visiting a religious cult that unleashes demon/zombie things and the ultimate devil beast.

4th story – it would be just another alien invasion story done found footage style if not for the fact that the camera is attached to a little dog! Unique approach to a house full of unsupervised kids being terrorized, but it goes too far when the dog gets dragged into it.

Finally, the wraparound redeems itself with loads of horror fun. I’m not saying it makes sense, just that it’s fun.

V/H/S VIRAL (2014)

Breaking away from the theme of people entering a house and finding videotapes to watch, this wraparound has a guy chasing and filming a crime in progress. So it just randomly cuts to each story. Considering the filmmakers couldn’t even come up with a cohesive wraparound, the series was clearly losing its way by this final film.

1st story – this shit is way too Harry Potter for me, with a magician turning evil when he puts on a supernatural cloak. The cheap final jump scare is insulting.

2nd story – another one with subtitle interruptions, but again it is one of the strongest stories. A dude creates a machine that lets him swap places with an alternate reality version of himself. When he realizes this a sexually fucked up existence, his wife inviting two guys over to play is the vanilla stuff….

This is like a modern day Frank Henenlotter film.

3rd story – this is just pure, mindless, gore and action horror madness. A bunch of skater dudes finds a private place to goof off. Suddenly they’re being attacked by a walking corpse cult and it becomes a bloody battle to the death.

A whole lot of weird shit happens in the wraparound before the film is through, and it’s a mess. Really kills the series. Guess that’s why the “TV series” is an exclusive…on SNAPCHAT…

 

Posted in Johnny You ARE Queer - Gay Thoughts, Movie Times & Television Schedules - Staying Entertained, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Fear Effect won’t scare you, but it will raise your blood pressure

A game so popular it spawned a sequel…or a game so torturous a second was made to inflict more pain? With its Asian mysticism and supernatural storylines, Fear Effect probably has an intriguing, immersive plot, but I spent so much time struggling to get through the games that I didn’t even bother paying much attention to the stories. And I’ve played them twice…

FEAR EFFECT

Fear Effect was hyped back in the day on PlayStation 1 because it uses advanced cell shading graphics. This required spreading the game across 4 discs. Aside from the fact that the cell shading resembles a 1970s cartoon, the graphics are actually so bad I can’t believe we were ever wowed by visuals like this. They’re really only a little less static than the original Resident Evil games.

The controls are RE tank type with some added features—quick turn, crouch, dodge roll left or right, and the ability to shoot as you move. While they allow for more flexibility, they aren’t enough to make gameplay manageable, because this is a fast-paced action game that needs much more precision than the controls offer. It’s no surprise that punch-in cheat codes are available for it. When I first played the game years ago, I caved by the very first boss, which is a gun-crazed maniac in a super tight space…and the whole fight is viewed from an awful top down perspective.

Unlike RE, you have infinite storage space, and cycling through your items is a simple square or circle press to go in either direction. The problem with this is that you often need to do this while being attacked by enemies, and timing is crucial. Not only do you have to cycle to the item you want to use, but then you have to hit triangle to use it, usually making sure there is an on screen “Use” prompt for the object you need to interact with—for instance, there are random safe spots along your way, but you have to cycle to the cellphone when you reach one then quickly hit the use button to start the process. If you don’t within a few seconds, it fails to work, so you then have to cycle all the way through to the cellphone again. It’s great that saves are unlimited, but it is easy to run right by a save prompt—they are not visible on screen like the typewriter in Resident Evil. You just randomly stumble upon them if you’re lucky enough to run past just the right spots during your journey. Personally I think you shouldn’t have to access an object in such a hectic game like this. If you choose to “use” a save spot, it should just automatically use it!

You are constantly in gun battles, because for a majority of the game the enemies are not monsters but armed humans! You need tons of bullets, so luckily every time you kill a guy he drops some. You never have to manually reload, which helps. On the downside, there is no “health.” The game is called Fear Effect because you have a fear meter. The longer you’re in danger, the quicker your meter drops. If you don’t escape or run from the threat fast enough, you die. Only being in a safe zone replenishes your meter. Cheat codes here I come.

Although you pick up different weapons along the way, you change characters numerous times throughout the game, and your weapons don’t carry across characters.

The main character is a bombshell babe who is totally sexualized—skimpy outfits, a shower scene, playing one segment in just a towel, and even male counterparts that practically #metoo her.

Boss battles can be infuriating. First of all, you never actually know what you’re supposed to do to defeat them. Many times there’s something you simply have to avoid hitting during the battle or it’s instant death, be it an innocent bystander or an explosive tank. Making this hard not to do is the fact that the auto aim system locks the reticules on the nearest object. Argh! That’s really challenging to pay attention to in the heat of a battle. Very often the only way to guarantee you hit your target is to get so close to it that you have to just take the shots being fired back at you (which you probably can’t if you don’t cheat like I did).

Also making battles hard is the fact that the camera is fixed as in Resident Evil, so these crazed shooters are blasting away at you but you can’t even see them to shoot back.

Confusing cut scenes barely prepare you for what you need to do the instant they end, like climbing a ladder that has become accessible before you get shot, racing across the top of a train that is about to go off a cliff, or rushing to a knife that has been dropped in the middle of a room and is the only thing that will save your unarmed ass from a gun toting baddie. Prepare to die a lot right after cut scenes.

Just like Resident Evil, there’s loads of backtracking to collect items and solve puzzles. Puzzles can be annoying to figure out. There are also some frustrating balancing act scenes. As is common with these games, pushing directly forward on the stick somehow makes you stray at an angle, so it’s not a cut and dry process getting across beams and platforms. To fuck you up even more, camera angles keep shifting as you proceed. What also makes this whole balancing act silly is that you can fall off the edge during these segments, yet you don’t fall off the edge of narrow paths when you go to hell…

Oh yes, you do go to hell eventually, which leads me to the horror aspects of the game. The first disc is short, and right after you switch discs you’re on an island full of zombies. Don’t be scared, because the cut scene introducing them is like something out of a Scooby Doo episode. And so are they. They’re not scary, but they are infuriating, because they absolutely surround you in tight corners throughout this section. Don’t plan on getting through it without cheat codes.

Some of the more annoying moments along the way include a death trap moment right after you do an annoying 12-code puzzle. With no save right before the death trap, you have to redo the damn code over and over every time you die. There’s also a ridiculous crouching segment. You have to get past chefs on either side of a kitchen, but they keep turning around. If you aren’t crouching at the right time, instant death. Thing is, you’re walking between them on a completely open floor plan. They would see you no matter how high or low you are. Worse, you have to repeatedly hit crouch because you can’t crouch and move at the same time.

The best horror segment of the game comes right as you move on to the fourth and final disc (oddly you have to switch back to the second disc before the game is through). This is when you face off against various demons in creepy, cavernous hell. The place looks cool and the demons are cool, but here is where the cheat codes call your name again. Everything you need—weapons, ammo, keys—are collected as paper versions (no, I don’t know why) that need to be burned at a fire source before they can be used. With few fires available, this means constant back and forth. Plus, there are so many demons attacking you all the time that you desperately need to keep going back to the fire to burn ammo they’ve dropped. Enemies are endless, they swarm you, and they respawn in sections. Cheat codes.

You’ll also want those codes for an annoying boss that keeps taking away platforms as you fight. Using the invincibility code lets you walk on water. Fuck you, boss.

And fuck the final boss—he bombards you with killer magic beams, and you have to run back and forth shooting baddies that drop to collect paper money, which you then have to select and use at torches in the arena to make the boss vulnerable for a matter of seconds before you start the process over.

At least, that was my final boss. You get to save right before the end, which is good, because there are like five endings depending on a choice you make. I just didn’t have the patience to try them all.

FEAR EFFECT 2: RETRO HELIX

It’s heartbreaking that there aren’t punch-in cheat codes for Fear Effect 2, because it is only slightly less difficult than the first—and at times, nearly impossible. Worse…the various Gameshark codes available for it do not work. No infinite fear meter in this game. I’m still astounded that I ever made it through. One part seriously took me months to pass. I’d play it over and over to exhaustion, quit, and then not go back to the game for a week.

The good news is when you play through a second time you unlock a computer terminal that you can punch codes in for all weapons and infinite ammo. The bad news? You can only do this if you play the game on hard. Or as I like to call it, impossible.

This game is infuriating. There are too many times when you have to do a series of extremely hard tasks before you get to another save. There are monsters that take way too many bullets to kill. An item collecting section that required constant teleporting to different realms was so hard that I would go in, kill a monster, run back to save, go kill the next monster, go back to save, etc. This relatively short segment could have been done in no time, but instead took me hours because of this tactic. Of course if I hadn’t saved between each monster I would have died numerous times and had to do each teleporting step over and over and over again. Even worse, each time you teleport, do your task in another realm (earth, fire, water…), and come back, the fucking monsters have respawned!

The controls are virtually exactly the same as the first game, which is great for your learning curve, and you can turn ON the “save beacon” option, which shows a target mark where there is a save instead of making you look for them in thin air. None of that makes up for the fact that the fear level meter is ridiculously disadvantageous. It runs out in seconds and if you get shot just once you’re dead. Plus the baddies are relentless and way stronger than you. Supposedly, succeeding in a challenge or killing baddies will make your fear meter replenish, but that never happens. I spent the majority of the game on the verge of death.

In terms of bang for your buck, this game is massive and super long, with a load of gameplay variation. But it also drags in segments because it makes you literally do the same exact challenges over with a different character. And one puzzle segment from hell is a fricking chess game you have to win four damn times before continuing.

The sequel also introduces the lesbian love interest of our main girl, so now we get two girls totally sexualized…with improved graphics!

Once again, there are numerous quick run scenes that you are tossed into directly out of cutscenes, where you’re suddenly being chased by a big baddie and can’t let it catch up with you. You don’t know where you’re going, you can’t predict turns, you get stuck on things, and the controls, which are tight and accurate during regular gameplay, suddenly feel as if your controller is broken and not responding to the directions in which you are pushing it. These events became the ONLY part of the game I would play in a single sitting, after which I’d quit for the night because they were that tedious.

Fear Effect 2 is also loaded with back tracking and using items in your inventory without having any idea what to use or in what order. You’ll never figure it out without a walkthrough. That includes a huge party scene in which you have to avoid getting too close to guards while doing your backtracking. If you get too close to them, your gun sets off their metal detectors, and you are immediately tossed out of the party and forced to start the section over again.

And this being a game with super hard enemies, it is unforgivable that even after you’ve used a keycard to open a door, every time you need to get through that door again, even when fleeing, you have to flip through your real time inventory to find the keycard to use it again.

The only upside here is that the sequel delves more into horror enemies, with big zombies, demons, and invincible ghosts (argh!) sprinkled throughout the game. But it’s still an action game—these monsters are never frightening beyond the fact that you’re terrified when you encounter them because your fear meter is in the red and you barely have any ammo. I get it. Games should be challenging, but not to the point that they are no fun and a chore to complete.

Posted in Johnny You ARE Queer - Gay Thoughts, What I'm Doing With My Joystick | Tagged , , , , , | Comments Off on Fear Effect won’t scare you, but it will raise your blood pressure

Will the Primal Rage at Blood Lake leave you Scared Stiff?

It’s so satisfying that so many obscure films of the 80s are still being released on DVD and Blu-ray—with plenty more I’m still waiting for. So how important are these three to my extensive 80s horror collection? Well duh…super important because they’re from the 80s. But let’s look at them anyway.

PRIMAL RAGE (1988)

 

Primal Rage may just be the best 80s horror disaster you’ve never seen (if you don’t already worship it).

Right from the start we get a college campus montage complete with girls doing aerobics, and we’re treated to the theme song “Say The Word” by The Facade Band, a dance song so sugary sweet 80s that it even gets a major credit call-out in the intro credits.

Primal Rage has the vibe of some of the best of hokey Euro horror of the 80s, with so much more than a straightforward plot.

A scientist on campus is experimenting on a monkey (beware: the scene is disturbingly harsh for animal lovers). A school reporter investigates by breaking into the lab and gets bit by the monkey. The cheesy action music is astoundingly 80s Euro horror.

Before long, this turns into an infected film, with the guy going crazy on people and eventually looking like a zombie.

He infects a girl. She starts to go crazy.

He and his friends have a run-in with campus bullies that want to rape the girl. This is turning into a hot mess.

And then comes the Halloween dance. What the frick? This slice of infected heaven turns into a Halloween slasher flick, with a dance montage that amounts to a slasher-themed music video.

Someone in a skeleton costume is running around slicing and dicing people up right on the dance floor with some gory good fun. Plus, a girl gets chased through the halls by the killer…and the infected.

And just when you think the battle is won and it’s all over, there’s a scene involving the infected and a lawn sprinkler that catapults this film into 80s horror camp history. So why does no one talk about this classic?

BLOOD LAKE (1987)

Blood Lake is proof that even back in the 80s everyone with a video camera thought they could make a horror movie if they just gathered their friends at a house by the lake and found a big guy to carry a knife.

This goes beyond lost cult slasher. It’s an absolutely terrible film that fills most of its time with heavy metal montages of kids driving, talking, water skiing, talking more, water skiing again, back to talking, smoking pot, swimming. WTF? I’d rather go to a house by the lake with my own friends then sit through this pointless film.

There’s some repetitive 80s style horror music during the few kill scenes, most of which take place near the end, there’s a laugh out loud moment when one of the non-actors “falls” off the dock, and the killer POV is just the screen turning red—even though the killer isn’t some sort of cyborg or alien, just a dude in a hat.

The final scene tries its best to be backwoods horror, with the killer tying a few people up after chasing them through the house.

Everything after the ambulance comes for survivors brings the energy to a new low.

SCARED STIFF (1987)

The director of Doom Asylum and Phantom of the Mall was definitely a pro at making halfway decent 80s horror for the direct to video market. As in…about half of the movie is decent. In this case it’s the second half.

Andrew Stevens, his girlfriend, and her son move into an old plantation home. She’s a singer, so we get a couple of bad music video filming moments. Andrew finds an old diary from back in the slave days. And soon, his girl begins being haunted by visions of the slave owner of the house.

Her son’s toys move on their own. They house has a pigeon problem. Andrew finds a box in the attic with corpses in it.

A gardener dies on the property. A creepy mask gets a vector treatment in the kid’s computer and then projects into the middle of the room. Both Andrew Stevens and the slave owner appear shirtless.

It’s a mess and not very entertaining, until finally this demon dude appears and starts chasing the girlfriend and her son around the house.

A bunch of other ghouls pop out, and a dude unzips his head to expose his brains, making the last twenty minutes feel like a fun house of horror.

There’s even a Miami Vice sounding score during a car crash scene.

What I’m saying is, in the end, 80s horror rarely lets me down.

Posted in Living in the 80s - forever, Movie Times & Television Schedules - Staying Entertained, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Will the Primal Rage at Blood Lake leave you Scared Stiff?

Wicked witches and good girls gone bad

Going as far back as the 90s to cover this foursome of disastrous films…

BLACK MAGIC WOMAN (1991)

Because it was released during the peak of my days working at the video store, I have a soft spot for this type of pseudo horror/erotic thriller starring familiar faces just past their prime. In this case, Mark Hamill (after defeating the Empire), Apollonia (post purple reign), and Amanda Wyss (who made a wrong turn on Elm Street).

Unfortunately, this ends up feeling like an episode of the HBO series The Hitchhiker stretched into a 90-minute movie. The very final, delicious twist comes too late to make up for everything that didn’t happen before it.

Hamill and his sort of girlfriend/business partner Wyss run an art gallery that needs a boost. In walks mysterious and sexy Apollonia, who bangs Hamill and promises to send success his way.

She works her magic with great success, but then Hamill tosses her aside. For the rest of the movie he basically keeps finding a mix of blood and little animals in his bed. He starts to harass Apollonia demanding she back off, and it makes him look like the crazy one! Matters get worse for him when a few people in his life start turning up dead.

It’s a good plot, but the big disappointment is that Apollonia virtually disappears from the story for a majority of the movie when all you really want to see is her being the evil witch you know she can be. And the reason she doesn’t whip out cauldrons, brooms, and black cats isn’t revealed until that final clever twist. Definitely should have been a 30-minute episode of The Hitchhiker.

THE RAGE: CARRIE 2 (1999)

The director of the Stripped to Kill movies and Poison Ivy jumps on the bandwagon of making blasphemous 90s sequels to horror classics. The main girl’s name isn’t even Carrie!

Gone is DePalma’s style and slow buildup that makes your stomach turn. Gone is the pitiful Carrie that breaks our heart, replaced by a trendy looking chick who could be the lead singer of a 90s alternative band. Present is Sue Snell as Carrie 2’s guidance counselor, because Amy Irving chose a paycheck over being out of work…and standing by the integrity of the movie that launched her career.

Carrie 2’s religious nut mom was sent to a nut house (mental hospital, not church). Her adoptive father is abusive. The jocks at school, including Brad from Home Improvement, play a fucked up game of fucking and dumping girls. When they do it to Carrie 2’s friend, Carrie 2 is determined to take them down.

But suddenly the guys seem to have a change of heart and invite her to a big party and she falls for it! WTF? Didn’t she ever see the movie Carrie?

Carrie 2 gets humiliated, and her powers come out full force…in the form of her heart and vein tattoo turning into a spider web of black marker all over her skin. What the fuck were they thinking?

No split screen, but some of the kills are gory good, a gym teacher pulls an Elm Street and gets hot for one jock’s ass, and you’ll never believe who Sue Snell learns is Carrie 2’s father…

BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2 (2000)

In a quick attempt to cash in on the first film’s success, the makers of the sequel decide that as long as it was anything other than an hour and a half of people filming leaves on the ground, it would be a better movie. They were right, yet this is still a piece of garbage.

However it’s also awesomely 90s, with Marilyn Manson’s “Disposable Teens”, a goth girl, a Wiccan girl, cute boys, nudity, and a lot of drugs.

In a meta move, fans are flocking to the woods where the first movie took place. Our main group goes to the remains of one of the houses from the original viral documentary, camps there for the night, and wakes up with no recollection of what happened the night before.

A messy hodge-podge of ghost kids, flashes of murder, and visions of witchcraft begin to haunt the group as the plot just spirals out of control. Plus, they all start acting weird after discovering they have witch symbols on their bodies.

It feels like the script was written while on drugs, but at least that means way more trippy stuff happens than in the first film. And the footage they take is more exciting because it reveals actual witchcraft rituals that prove a witch is really fucking with them.

The worst part of the movie? It’s told as flashbacks while the survivors are being interrogated by police.

KILLER BASH (2005)

David DeCoteau does the Tamara/Carrie girl strikes back thing in a way only he can–with boys running around in their undies just for the hell of it.

This is from the period when DeCoteau went from making semi-genuine horror films loaded with pretty boys to his pure softcover homoerotic porn horror, so the horror is pretty cheesy.

An unpopular girl at college finds an old school ring, becomes possessed, and starts using her new red eyes to kill boys in their underwear after gawking at them and lusting over for them for a nice period of time, allowing us to get a good gander.

No real blood here, but the late Cory Monteith plays the nice guy who hangs with her while they’re stuck at school for Christmas break.

He also sniffs his own shirt, because that’s what college boys do in public.

Jason’s replacement mom from Freddy vs. Jason plays her therapist, there’s a Ouija board session, and the boys have a vodka shower party.

 

There’s also a bad house music soundtrack that sounds like something from 1994.

Am I saying any of this goodness makes it worth a watch? Absolutely not.

Posted in Movie Times & Television Schedules - Staying Entertained, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror | Tagged , , , , , | Comments Off on Wicked witches and good girls gone bad

Gay horror Stephen King approves and gay horror he wrote

It was completely unintentional that I read two books in a row featuring gay couples—I just randomly picked the shortest books off the massive pile I still need to read to shrink it a bit faster. But this happy accident makes the perfect double feature blog.

THE CABIN AT THE END OF THE WORLD by Paul Tremblay

Because there was so much hype about this book, as well as praise because it focuses on gay characters, my hubba hubba got it for me for Christmas.

What I didn’t expect was for this to feel like a rather generic home invasion film in book form. No monsters, aliens, or crazy backwoods cannibals near this cabin, simply a weird cult of people convinced that a gay couple and their daughter are the key to stopping the end of the world.

The book starts right in with the crazy crew showing up at the cabin and trying to gently explain the situation to the couple—which kicks off the home invasion.

The plot felt fairly predictable beyond the gay angle, so this was not a page-turner for me. And perhaps it’s because I spend so much of my time immersed in the world of the wacky gay guys in my own horror series, but the two guys here feel very flat to me, with no distinct personalities, despite plenty of flashback scenes in place in an attempt to further develop their characters. I know they are in a dire situation so it’s hard to paint a more complex emotional side of either of them, but that perhaps would be reason enough to present them before the home invaders show up. I just never quite felt their devotion to each other or their daughter.

And the driving force pushing the story forward—is there really an apocalypse? Are these just anti-gay religious nuts?—fizzles out then leaves us with an open ending.

Ironically, Stephen King has a quote on The Cabin At The End of the World book jacket:

“A tremendous book—thought-provoking and terrifying, with tension that winds up like a chain.”

Despite his glowing approval, I found this one couldn’t compete with his own short book centering around a gay couple.

KNOCK AT THE CABIN (2023)

I’m revisiting this post several years later just to add my quick thoughts on the movie version of the novel, which has been retitled Knock at the Cabin. M. Night Shyamalan’s adaptation is almost identical in how it impacted me. BORING. But it does have a different, tidy ending instead of an open ending.

It plays out mostly the same—it’s a basic home invasion movie despite one character eventually doing damage control and insisting this wasn’t a home invasion. The small cult, including David Bautista and Weasley from Harry Potter, insists the two gay men and their daughter can save the world by sacrificing one of them. After that, it’s a generic, totally suspense-free thriller…just like the book.

The only satisfying part to me was that one of the gay men is like, “Fuck straight people! Let them all die. We’re not saving the world for them!” I’m paraphrasing, but still, awesome.

The most disappointing part? Even when the couple is about to commit to never seeing each other again, with their noses only millimeters apart, THEY DON’T KISS. Fucking mainstream movies.

ELEVATION by Stephen King

It has been decades since I’ve been drawn into page-turning territory by a Stephen King book, but this novella had me at the first chapter thanks to it being small (in height and width!), only 146 pages, and presenting a premise that is sort of Thinner with lesbians.

However, this isn’t so much a horror story as an episode of Amazing Stories. It’s King at his best, for it is just as much about interpersonal relationships in a small town as it is about a man who is mysteriously registering as losing loads of weight on the scale despite still remaining visually overweight.

It’s the story about the biggest loser’s new lesbian neighbors being ostracized by townsfolk that made me want this one to be longer than it is. Him being one of few who sees and feels the injustice they’re experiencing and the stubborn streak that keeps the lesbians from appreciating it are the stuff of classic King.

Yet, while King does a great job of giving various perspectives on both progressive and regressive people, in the end the plot is tidy and Kumbaya rather than allowing the clashing social and political issues to create the kind of harsh and horrific material we expect from the iconic author. It’s almost like he wanted to be kinder and gentler with the conflict to reshape the conversation on strife that is going on in this country right now.

Posted in Everyday I Read the Book: Literary Thoughts, Johnny You ARE Queer - Gay Thoughts, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Gay horror Stephen King approves and gay horror he wrote

VAMPS: Sunset Society vs. Bloodrunners

A metal head and a hip hop icon each runs a vampire club. Who throws the better horror party?

SUNSET SOCIETY (2018)

Rolfe Kanefsky, one of my favorite directors of sexy, trashy, comic horror, does collaborative duties on this heavy metal vampire horror starring the late Lemme of Motorhead, with appearances by members of Guns n Roses and LA Guns and Ron Jeremy, and even a cameo by Steve-O of Jackass.

This is a little rougher than Kanefsky’s films, so I’m not sure how much “collaborative” effort he put into it, because it doesn’t quite feel like one of his films. However, this is an undeniably watchable piece of horror sleaze that does an astounding job of appearing like it was made in the 80s more than those films that actually are trying to come across as such. I have a sneaking suspicion (always wanted to say that) it looks so genuine because the extras in the film are probably groupies of the bands from the actual 80s that simply got stuck in that decade as many are apt to do (yours truly excluded…like, totally).

Begin your horror movie with animation propelling the story and then use animation to segue between scenes throughout and you’ve already got me hooked. Lemme makes an awesome cartoon. He runs a club that lures partiers for vampires to feed on. One of his vamps is tired of being a vamp and wants to become human again. Another is a blood addict making risky moves that could expose the vampires, and one of the victims he turned longs to die.

But the biggest problem is that someone has made a snuff video exposing the vampires and is selling it on the street, so Lemme puts some vamps on the case, including camptastic Brian Cranston lookalike Robert Donavan. Others stealing the show include a guy whose body gets possessed by a vamp, as well as the leading vampire woman.

There’s plenty of cheesy vampire feeding, one vamp gets his gnarly teeth sanded off, a muscle stud vamp bursts out of a woman, and Ron Jeremy gets his dick burned by a Star of David. Plus the Cranston clone rocks out to Ratt’s “Round and Round.”

BLOODRUNNERS (2017)

What a striking contrast in these similarly themed films. Bloodrunners is more polished with a tighter script, yet the first hour is agonizingly boring, before the vamp fun finally kicks in.

Ice-T is the bandleader at a club during 1933 prohibition. He also happens to be a vampire leader. Unfortunately, most of the film is more of a drama about a bunch of corrupt cops extorting money from the club owner.

Vamp action count during this time? One scene of a vamp biting a woman at a whorehouse, and a fight between cops and vamps…that’s handled with guns! Yawn.

I can’t fathom why the filmmakers would pack all the interesting stuff, both character and vamp focused, into the last half hour. We finally learn several interesting things about the main cop that make him more human, and the vampire action that hits finally shows that the higher budget and more polished look pays off, with some good gore, cool shifty movement vamps, and smoking staked vamp effects.

It’s no From Dusk Till Dawn, but if only we had gotten more of this vampire battle action throughout the film, this could have at least landed itself on the SyFy channel.

Posted in Movie Times & Television Schedules - Staying Entertained, Scared Silly - Horror Comedy, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on VAMPS: Sunset Society vs. Bloodrunners

Thriller and The Silence – Netflix and thrill…or not?

Since Netflix is charging us more now for more content, we’re definitely getting more, for better or worse. So are horror films Thriller and The Silence worth the price hike of admission? With its high-quality original programming in place, it now looks like Netflix is filling the gaps with cheap knockoff horror.

THRILLER (2019)

The tone and style of this urban slasher remind me of the countless low budget slashers released during the Scream slasher revival. At the same time, it is a blatant copycat of the original 1980 Prom Night in many respects—short of being as effective. Remember the kids in the derelict building scaring the little girl until she fell out a window? The same scenario happens here with a slight twist.

When we next meet our kids in high school, just as in Prom Night we are given a flashback to each one during that past incident as they are introduced in teenage form.

To kill time before the big dance at the end, the film generically explores the life of teens in the ghetto. It comes across as predictable pandering to me, checking off all the ghetto experience boxes. It’s not easy or even a good idea to infuse social commentary into slasher fluff, but of course if you are going to set your slasher in the ghetto, you’re somewhat obligated to address the issue to some extent. 

There’s another familiar stumbling block I see here as in so many minority interpretations of slasher films. It’s not enough to just replace the usual white straight kids with a group that is black, gay, Spanish, etc. Thriller is a shell of the subgenre, delivering every cliché in the book (chases, newspaper clippings, red and blue lighting, the shadowy form appearing behind victims), but it simply isn’t suspenseful enough, the kills are totally forgettable, and there’s little in the way of gore short of a blood-pumping knife.

For instance, if you’re going to replicate Wendy’s chase scene through the school in Prom Night, you need to bring it to a new level. This chase can’t even catch up to Wendy.

There is one major aspect in which Thriller strays from the Prom Night template; we know who the killer is! Blah. And he lives with his mom! Double blah. Not exactly ominous or intriguing, but it does seem to be making a statement about a) momma’s boys, particularly as it pertains to ghetto life, and b) recent headlines concerning black identity. The killer wears a hoodie, but unless you’re a sick, racist, right wing nut with a gun, a guy in a hoodie is not going to get your nerves in a knot.

For someone like me, who is totally in it for the fluff, the best part is the kids doing a sexy synchronized dance at a party. I’m always up for a synchronized dance scene, and I blame She’s All That. Oh, and I like the short but sweet kill scene involving a couple having sex in a car.

THE SILENCE (2019)

Joining the ranks of what I would call a new “sensory deprivation” horror subgenre (A Quiet Place, Bird Box), this one feeds off those specific films and pours in a gallon of Bats for good measure.

In a jolting casting move, Sabrina plays a deaf girl, while her mother is played by her Aunt Zelda from Chilling Adventures! WTF? Talk about brand placement.

Stanley Tucci plays her father, and Aidan from Sex and the City is also along for the ride.

Once news reports announce the country is under attack and that people need to stay indoors and keep absolutely quiet, the family, fluent in sign language for their daughter’s sake…immediately leaves and gets in a car! Um…cars make NOISE.

That’s what is rather annoying about this otherwise entertaining if not cliché film. Noise only becomes an instant problem when it is convenient for the plot. For example, there’s a full scene in which an outdoor argument leads to gunfire without any sign of a creature attacking, yet a single soft step on the ground or the hiss of a snake deep within a pipeline gets the bat creatures’ attention immediately.

And dammit, just as a warning…there’s a scene that while not in any way graphically presented, involves the family dog.

The bat creatures are pretty cool looking, and there is a sick plot move that turns The Silence temporarily into a home invasion film, but just when that part starts ramping up, the film is abruptly and inconclusively concluded.

Posted in Movie Times & Television Schedules - Staying Entertained, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Thriller and The Silence – Netflix and thrill…or not?

I’ve been Scared to Death by a Syngenor Creature

Director William Malone (Parasomnia, House on Haunted Hill remake) introduced two different creatures that brought us through the 80s in three different movies. So let’s take a look at Creature, Scared to Death, and its sequel, Syngenor.

CREATURE (1985)

I’ll begin with the one from smack-dab in the middle of the decade. Creature is often accused of being an alien clone (the monster does look like a cross between Alien and a 2-legged alligator), but it’s actually more my horror style than the famous franchise.

Sure there’s a crew in a spaceship that encounters an alien life form while trying to explore an uncharted planet. But forget facehuggers. This alien uses victims as a host, turning them into gnarly, bloody-faced zombie things. Reminds me of several survival horror video games of the last two decades.

Be warned…it takes a while to get to that. For a painstaking amount of time, some familiar faces do what makes all alien movies boring—they roam around spaceship halls that all look the same, accomplishing nothing. The main girl is Wendy Schaal, who appeared in Munchies and The ‘Burbs, but who I’ll always remember as one of the waitresses on the first season of It’s a Living from 1980. Right behind her is long time horror queen Diane Salinger (Slay Belles, Dark House, Rest Stop, Carnivale). We get Ron Grady’s dad from Elm Street 2. And just for the hell of it, Klaus Kinski appears briefly to give us some of his usual weird shtick.

Monster POV and some great body reveals make it clear this sci-fi alien film knew it would be smart to cash in on the slasher style that was all the rage at the time. That helped me overlook all the boring science fiction spaceship crap, which is so not my thing.

Once people begin turning bloody faced, things get gory good, and there is even a sort of Lifeforce scene in which one alien-infiltrated woman (with perfect 80s music video hair) gets naked to seduce a man.

The final battle with the cool monster is about as generic as a sci-fi creature feature gets (by that I mean all of them).

SCARED TO DEATH (1980)

William Malone’s horror career began five years before Creature with the film Scared to Death, which was kind of the same monster deal. But making it better is that it takes place in a typical suburban neighborhood, to which I can totally relate. The opening shot panning over a house and street in 1980 makes me want to go back and live there again. Forever.

Scared to Death is all about the monster attacks. The monster lives in the sewers. It targets random people at night, even breaking into houses! Its appearance is never a surprise because we get pretty good glimpses of it during every kill.

Meanwhile, an ex-cop turned writer gets mixed up in investigating all the deaths in town. He also has a pointless romance with a woman after a minor fender bender. Their first date quickly turns into a ridiculous sensual sex scene. This movie seriously knew it was the beginning of the 80s horror era.

Everything that happens between the kills is kind of boring, but the monster attacks are an 80s treat. And it’s not just kills. Beginning with a young woman roller skating in a parking garage (ah…the days when we sought out any smooth pavement we could to roller skate on), we learn the monster pulls a not uncommon monster move of the 80s…it tongues its victims with a slimy appendage and leaves traces of goo at the scene of every attack.

And those it doesn’t kill but just stores up in its lair end up looking like…zombies. So that’s where Malone got the idea for Creature…

Eventually the ex-cop teams up with a young scientist woman who has uncovered the truth about this creature, known as a Syngenor. The pair is pursued by the monster through a warehouse in a long and suspenseful chase scene that’s very satisfying in an 80s way…as is the final scare dream sequence.

SYNGENOR (1990)

It seriously took ten years to make a sequel to a film nobody ever heard of…and the producers didn’t even want anyone to know it was a sequel! William Malone was unable to return to direct, but he did contribute to the monster design (which is only slightly different than the original monster).

While Syngenor is more polished than the original and clearly has a bigger budget, it’s the usual case of an 80s movie transitioning into 90s crap that is watchable now if you just appreciate how campy it is.

Rather than being about the terror of innocent people being attacked by the monster, the focus here is on those who created the thing. Ugh. But at least one of the creators is David Gale of Re-Animator. Not surprisingly, he steals the show as a mad man with an evil plot. Essentially it’s the same role he played in Re-Animator, but he does it so well it’s always entertaining.

The creature is a lot less gooey this time. It lives in a nice polished chamber. Instead of its tongue, it uses a laser beam to deep throat victims. And as cheesy as the film is, some of the chase scenes are more vicious and suspenseful than in the original.

Sticking with tradition, there’s also a pointless sex scene in the middle of this sequel, right during the height of the monster madness. And it is madness. There are multiple monsters this time. There’s a crazy ray gun that vanquishes monsters like a bug zapper. And the final battle is a hilarious mess. Plus, David Gale suddenly dons a bunny mask.

Yeah, it’s definitely 1990.

Posted in Living in the 80s - forever, Movie Times & Television Schedules - Staying Entertained, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I Am Zozo on Halloween and Sick for Toys on Christmas

Halloween and Christmas flicks I Am Zozo and Sick for Toys are two very different movies, both with wickedly devilish names, but does either film do its holiday–and my holiday horror page–justice?

I AM ZOZO (2012)

Aside from the fact that the kids heading to a cabin in the woods wear the lamest Halloween costumes, I was feeling the initial setup of this film…because it’s the kind of shit my friends and I would and have done.

This small group of friends is likable (just like mine) and gets right into the holiday spirit…especially the goth girl, who immediately carves a pumpkin then pulls out a Ouija board (just like me).

The slow buildup as they use the board by the fireplace at night feels very natural, and there are two creepy moments—the guys go to check a bang on the door, and one girl sees a ghostly shape under a sheet by the fireplace.

Unfortunately there is simply never any payoff. My Ouija parties are scarier than this film, plus there’s cherry cola.

I Am Zozo is mostly talking until the end, when it appears the evil Ouija spirit Zozo locks a door to allow something tragic to happen.

Aside from showing some love for the holiday, this one isn’t going to make your Halloween movie marathon a frightfest. Even the presentation as this being based on a true story does it no favors.

SICK FOR TOYS (2018)

Not a scary movie(that makes two), this one is loaded with Christmas spirit and does deliver a twisted tale that borders deliciously on perverse at times.

A dude accepts a Christmas dinner date with the last girl his buddy was going to see before he disappeared. But things seem off from the first moment. The girl lives with her overly attentive brother, who becomes the third wheel on their date.

The brother also prepares dinner…

The longer the dude spends with them, the clearer it becomes they are quite dysfunctional. His troubles begin when they realize he’s on to their fucked up game…the brother helps his sister score “toys” to play with at Christmas. I can totally relate to her joy over receiving big packages…

This is a dark little film with unexpected plot twists, a few kills (not really gory), and a whole reverse #metoo plot point that will totally satisfy defenders (aka: conservatives) of accused men (aka: conservatives).

And not to my surprise, the Yuletide even gets a little gay to further complicate the messed up family relationship. Speaking of gay stuff that can land a movie on my die, gay guy, die! page, I did think the brother was the high point of the film—he really delivers that old school sexually stunted psycho vibe.

Posted in Johnny You ARE Queer - Gay Thoughts, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on I Am Zozo on Halloween and Sick for Toys on Christmas

Hulu’s Into The Dark installments for March and April

Fell a little behind on watching Hulu’s holiday horror series, which is now at the halfway mark, but before I get into the two most recent films (I finally have a favorite film in the series), here are the links to my blog about:

October

November

December

January

February

And now, onto March and April.

TREEHOUSE (2019)

The March installment barely clings to the Into the Dark concept of one holiday horror per month. No Leprechaun’s or four-leaf clovers here—simply some Celtic references weaved into a feminist witch story. You have to be hardcore Irish to feel festive with this one.

Even so, this is one of my favorite installments, loaded with eerie witchy goodness.

A womanizing famous chef gets away from it all by visiting his guest home, where he befriends a bunch of young women next door. Before long he’s living a witchcraft version of Hard Candy administered by a gaggle of witches. And of course there’s some man-hating lesbianism thrown in for good measure.

This is a fun and dark tale with some chilling moments and twists, but I could see this working just as effectively as a short film. Yet I can’t deny that despite dragging a little at the beginning, this one really keeps up the pace once it kicks into high gear. The initial appearance of a witch is definitely the high point. FREAKY.

I’M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU (2019)

This April Fool’s Day installment is so drenched in neon light it feels like an episode of Now Apocalypse. Not to mention, it’s a little gay as well, with a butch gay biker thrown into the mix.

On April 1st, a dude comes to meet his sister at a hotel before her wedding day. While he waits for her arrival, he hangs with the desk clerk/bartender who is such an obnoxious prankster that we quickly hope he’s the first one killed…while shirtless.

It takes a while for anything to happen beyond false alarm practical jokes. The sister finally arrives, the three party together, and then things move into Vacancy territory. There are cameras in the rooms, bodies start turning up, and then the killing starts.

This is more a thriller than a horror film, and also has a quirky black humor edge (as the title suggests), especially near the end when things kind of fall apart right before the little zinger conclusion.

This one really didn’t do much for me.

Posted in Johnny You ARE Queer - Gay Thoughts, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror | Tagged , , , , , | Comments Off on Hulu’s Into The Dark installments for March and April