Beware the Sick Smile in the House of Darkness

It’s a trio of higher profile titles I checked out over the weekend, and two out of three were fun fun fun.

SICK (2022)

There was loads of excitement surrounding this new film co-written by Kevin Williamson of Scream fame. However, this is not a slasher. It’s a home invasion film that starts off fairly generic until it takes a detour.

Some people on both side of the COVID aisle might hate the film. A COVID satire that could be misread as taking itself seriously, it’s set in 2020 during the height of the epidemic, so expect to have some dark flashbacks to how we were living three years ago. Sure, we’ve come a long way since then, but what’s interesting is that back then when we were wearing masks and social distancing, we weren’t hearing much about people we personally knew actually having COVID. It wasn’t until people started going out again and mask mandates were dropped that more people we knew started getting it or dying from it, and chances are we got it ourselves. But…you know…masks didn’t work.

The film opens with a fantastic chase and kill scene that has classic Kevin Williamson written all over it. The difference is there’s something incredibly realistic about the way the sequence is crafted and executed.

Anyway, two girls decide to go to a family home in the woods to quarantine…and that’s mostly it for the cast of could-be victims. That’s why I say this is not a slasher, just a home invasion film. One of the girls is Gideon Adlon of The Craft: Legacy and Witch Hunt. She’s slowly building a scream queen resume, and she’s a great main girl in this film.

While this does feel predictable at first, once the action kicks in it is fast and furious, and the very Kevin Williamson twist that comes about halfway through the film re-energizes it completely. Sick proves to be a great cat and mouse suspense flick.

Just be warned…the COVID angle might really cause you to roll your eyes unless you appreciate the ways in which it’s applied here as a metaphor for distrust, self-centered behavior, self-preservation…and the Black Death standing right outside your door.

HOUSE OF DARKNESS (2022)

I think House of Darkness would work better as a 30-minute episode of Tales From The Crypt. Virtually the entire runtime is carried by a game of vocal cat and mouse. Ugh.

Justin Long drives Kate Bosworth home after meeting her at a bar. She invites him in and they have a lot of tension-filled, cold war conversation as they compete to be the one calling the shots when it comes to how the night will unfold.

Occasionally, Justin thinks he hears something or someone else in the house so that the audience will be manipulated into being on edge. About halfway through the movie, the writer seemed to realize how dull this script is, so a dream sequence is thrown in to give us momentary hope that Justin has finally landed in a scary situation.

Instead, he wakes up and the dialogue continues. Ghost stories become the topic of conversation until about five minutes before the end of the film, when Justin finally learns what Kate’s ulterior motive is. There are even some fairy tale themes thrown into the mix to remind us how most of them have very dark endings.

I would suggest you just watch Barbarian again.

SMILE (2022)

Smile has a pass-it-on curse plot like The Ring. While it’s a very mainstream horror film with some cheap jump scares (including one that scared the shit out of me), it also incorporates the idea that the mentally ill are treated like they have a contagious disease, as well as the notion that suicidal people keep their pain hidden behind a pasted-on smile.

The film also shares plot points with It Follows, but it opts not to exploit that relentless chase concept as much—in fact, several scenes of our main girl being pursued by a scary smiling person were cut from the movie and appear in the deleted scenes on the disc.

The basic premise is that a therapist at a hospital witnesses a patient kill herself after claiming that she’s being terrorized by a “person” that changes faces and always smiles while warning of terrible things to come. After this interaction, the therapist finds herself experiencing exactly what the patient described. As she tries to figure out what is happening to her with a full-fledged investigation like Naomi Watts in The Ring, everyone around her begins to believe she’s going insane.

Despite being 2 hours long (and despite cutting out some of those thrilling encounters with scary smiling people), the film definitely keeps the pace going. The highlight for me was a fantastic use of unnerving sound effects for ambience rather than a traditional music score; it was giving me flashbacks to visiting the hospital in the Silent Hill games.

There are several fantastically creepy sequences, those fun jump scares, and a freaky “final boss” battle at the end, but just be aware that this is not a body count movie.

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What happens in Amityville rarely happens in Amityville…

Every time a new “Amityville” movie comes out, I just have to know how far it strays from the original premise of a haunted house in Amityville. Therefore, it’s time for six more movies…

AMITYVILLE KAREN (2022)

Directed by indie horror king Shawn C. Phillips, this is a simple, silly possession film.

Our Karen sits around whining and bitching, harasses businesses, and wields her power as a compliance officer. She takes Amityville wine from indie actor James Duval’s winery and hits the bottle.

Karen goes all Karen on a demon woman who comes out of her closet, but this demon woman isn’t having it. Rather than filming Karen and posting the video to social media to ruin Karen’s life, the demon possesses her.

Meanwhile, the staff at a business Karen has been trying to destroy throws a party, and Karen crashes it to start killing everyone off…and to grab a bite to eat.

So it’s sort of supernatural slasher, with sleazy sexual situations and fart and shit humor thrown in for good measure.

Basically, the Amityville name goes Troma. Do with that comparison what you will before considering checking this one out.

AMITYVILLE SCARECROW 2 (2022)

I barely have anything to say about this sequel. The first film, despite its weak attempt to link itself in any way to Amityville, proved to be a fairly decent killer scarecrow movie.

This disaster brings new victims to the same summer camp location. They sit around the campfire discussing the dark history and supernatural legend of the location, they go off to have sex, and they get killed by a hokey scarecrow that looks nothing like the creepy scarecrow in the first film.

A shirtless hunk is the highlight.

The film lacks suspense or scares, and it’s not even the supernatural scarecrow again—it’s an appropriating asshole in a mask. Yawn.

AMITYVILLE HEX (2022)

108 minutes of video chatting vloggers talking about an Amityville hex is what you can expect from this travesty that feels like a poor mashup of Unfriended and Paranormal Activity.

They each read the hex out loud live then slowly—very slowly—begin to feel weird.

If you stick around long enough you’ll see some low budget found footage POV carnage, including stabbings, shootings, and death by lawnmower.

And based on something that happens at the very end of the film, my guess would be that an “Amityville Zombies” movie is inevitable.

AMITYVILLE UPRISING (2022)

Holy crap, my guess was right. This is Amityville with zombies.

The opening clips of this little indie are officially filmed around town in Amityville, and the movie takes place in Amityville…in a police department to be exact.

A chemical explosion at the Amityville military base (fiction—there is no military base in Amityville) causes acid rain to fall. A group of people becomes trapped in the Amityville police department. There they have to contend with those who die from being out in the acid rain and come back as zombies. Eek!

There’s plenty of character drama at the station as the sky begins turning red (none of the drama of much interest), and 45-minutes into the film we get the first zombie attack.

There aren’t hordes of zombies here, but the few that do exist look pretty gnarly because the peeling skin effects are good, as are the flesh munching moments.

It’s zombie business as usual as the survivors battle the zombies, but this is most definitely one of the better low budget Amityville movies—okay, one of the better low budget zombie movies with Amityville in the title—that you’re going to come across.

There’s also a hot, tattooed daddy bear, a zombie girl that does the spider crawl, and a fatalistic ending.

THE AMITYVILLE MOON (2021)

The Amityville Moon comes from the director of Amityville Uprising (zombies) and Amityville Harvest (vampires). This time it’s an Amityville werewolf!

Actually it’s just a werewolf in a religious home for wayward girls. When a couple of girls go missing, a cute detective comes on the scene to investigate.

There’s a lot of talk between priests, nuns, and girls of the house as they work on the girls’ issues in group therapy. I ended up just biding my time waiting for werewolf attacks.

There are a few kills along the way, but most of the werewolf actions hits in the last twenty minutes. It is fun if you grew up on 80s werewolf movies featuring a person in a costume instead of CGI. There’s even a classic transformation scene.

But my favorite is a kill in which the werewolf slices off a victim’s face and she desperately tries to hold it in place. Brilliant and nasty!

AMITYVILLE IN SPACE (2022)

This is a Mark Polonia production, so that should tell you what you’re in for. So should the title Amityville In Space. But hey, at least it’s about the Amityville house.

A priest enters the house to perform an exorcism and inadvertently launches the Amityville house into space in the process.

Meanwhile, a team on a spaceship sees the Amityville house floating among the stars, so they send team members out to investigate it.

On board the house, they find the priest in suspended animation. They also encounter a disembodied corpse hand, an outer space pentagram, the infamous Amityville glowing pig eyes, and a demon in a rubber mask and a hoodie.

Eventually, the team uses the toy space gun props they’ve been carrying to battle a goofy multi-eyed monster that looks like a puppet in front of a green screen.

If you still check this one out, don’t say you didn’t make an informed decision.

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STREAM QUEEN: all kinds of creatures

It’s monster mania with a gay guy and a girl vs. a Velociraptor, a girl vs. a supernatural entity, and a cute cop vs. giant slugs.

CLAW (2021)

I did not expect Claw to be a horror comedy buddy movie in which one of the buddies is a gay guy and the “claw” is attached to a Velociraptor…but I’m so glad that’s what I got. This one lands a spot on the does the gay guy die? page.

Minus end credits, Claw runs about 66 minutes long. There’s no drawn out explanation as to why the dinosaur is running loose. We just get straight to the meat of the movie.

A stand-up comedian and her theatrical, campy, gay BFF are on a road trip on a desert road to L.A. when they get stuck in a ghost town. They meet up with an old guy who lives there, and soon the trio is playing a cat and mouse game with the Raptor.

Along with suspense and some good jump scares, the comedic interactions and reactions of the three characters are loads of fun. However, that means you don’t want any of them to die…while of course wanting someone to get eaten!

The Raptor is cool, but at times he does look like he’s nothing more than a cut and paste job from Jurassic Park.

There’s a brief explanation for the Raptor’s existence at the end, and a tease for a possible sequel.

TAKE BACK THE NIGHT (2022)

This refreshing take on the supernatural specter subgenre is a female-focused film that explores women watching out for other women…or not. Everyone in the main girl’s life—detective, lawyer, sibling, TV interviewer, etc.—is a female, and some do and don’t believe her story after she’s attacked by a shadowy presence.

In essence the film considers the repercussions of blaming and not believing the victim. Our main girl has a less than pure history, so when she’s attacked in an alley after a drunken and drugging night out, she’s basically on her own in proving that there is some sort of creature lying in wait in the darkest corners of that alley.

The film serves as a metaphor for rape, and both the creature attacks and what the woman must endure during the physical and psychological exams afterward highlight the invasive horrors rape victims experience multiple times.

Remember that when you see anti-woke douche bags whining about this being a “female empowerment” film. If you watch a horror movie that graphically and disturbingly delves into the horrors a rape victim faces and you’re more bothered by the fact that there are too many women and lesbians in it, that says a lot about what you think of women.

There is no body count here. It’s all about our main girl broadcasting herself over the Internet as she makes herself the bait again and again to try to get the creature to show itself. There are some damn good suspense scenes filled with tension and atmosphere, beginning with the unsettling alley attack and leading right up to the final chase, but the creature is never fully exploited visually—it’s left mostly to imagination as it is presented in a cloudy black form through quick edits. I really had fun watching this one.

THEY CRAWL BENEATH (2022)

An adorable leading man and cool slug monster effects are the highlights of this little indie that will most likely get compared to Tremors. However, while Tremors films include an ensemble cast, They Crawl Beneath is virtually a one-man show, so it begins to get repetitive after a while.

Our cute leading man is celebrating Thanksgiving with his uncle (played by Michael Pare), which lands this one on the holiday horror page.

But don’t expect anyone to sit down to a turkey dinner. The holiday is just referenced a few times before this becomes a story of one man trapped under a car in a garage as big slugs start coming out of the woodwork. They’re big, but nowhere near as big as Tremors.

Minor subplots include the leading man’s relationships with his ex-girlfriend and his mother, but the focus is on him fighting off slugs while trying to get out from under the car…and also experiencing hallucinations, which, in my opinion, pads the film with a little too many bogus horror moments.

Note that the first slug attack doesn’t hit until 42 minutes into the movie, but our leading cutie definitely carries the film by himself.

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STREAM QUEEN: are these three worth sinking your teeth into?

I checked out two vampire flicks and a zombie film on various streaming services, and when all was said and done I really only enjoyed one of them, so let’s find out which one and why.

THE INVITATION (2022)

Remember when Samara Weaving kicked ass after marrying into the wrong rich family in Ready Or Not, and then the trailer for this movie rolled around and you thought—this looks like Ready Or Not with vampires? It’s Ready Or Not with vampires.

The main girl is half Black and learns through DNA testing that she’s related to a rich white family. She meets her long lost cousin and he invites her to a wedding at a mansion in England. I guess she’s not Black enough to know that going to the mansion of rich white people is never a good idea…

Would you believe a checklist of predictable occurrences ensue at this gothic mansion?

She’s warned away from a certain room. The butler is mean. Her personal maid is secretive. The lord of the mansion is hot and begins to woo her.

The servants begin getting killed off by something sinister in scenes so dark we see none of what’s happening.

The film is entertaining enough, but the bulk of the horror hits about 65 minutes in. This film is more likely to appeal to fans of gothic romance than horror.

The reason our main girl has been lured by her new family to a vampire dinner party is interesting, and the final act when she fights back is vampire fun, but this isn’t compelling enough for me to want to watch it again.

BLOOD RELATIVES (2022)

This vampire film, written by, directed by, and starring horror king Noah Segan was just so not my thing.

I got the impression it was going to be a horror comedy about a Jewish vampire traveling across country with a teen vamp who claims she’s his daughter. Unfortunately, it leaves out the comedy and the horror and fills it with loads of dialogue.

It’s actually a moody and gloomy road trip movie that doesn’t go anywhere. The father/daughter head-butting as they cope with being related is uninspired and lacking enough depth or emotion, they don’t have much conflict with their vampirism, and they both simply express their unhappiness constantly.

On top of that, it’s like this is a movie about vampires trying to contain their vampirism. In other words, they don’t do much biting, and when they do, it’s off screen. And the whole Jewish vampire angle? Totally overlooked beyond the occasional “oy vey” slipped into conversation. So much missed opportunity.

The only bright side for me was a brief appearance by Tracie Thoms of Rent.

WRECKER (2022)

It’s a grindhouse-zomcom-crime lord-vigilante-action flick written by, directed by, and starring a mega hunk named Bryan Brooks.

Brooks plays a construction worker still struggling to come to terms with the recent kidnapping of his wife when an adorable detective enlists his help in taking down criminals…by simply leading him to them.

There’s not much more to the plot except the underplayed zombie plot. There’s a single zombie in an opening scene with the detective, and then…there isn’t another zombie situation until 90 minutes into the movie.

That’s because the movie is 126 minutes long. Argh! If the objective was to give us a From Dusk Till Dawn split-genre movie, perhaps not showing any zombie action in the beginning would have amplified the switch—but the film would need to get to that horror twist before the 90-minute mark.

This is the problem with first time writers/directors. They don’t quite know much about pacing, editing, and streamlining the script. Brooks is a super charismatic and funny guy (his character is in no way a perfect hero, and he plays the role like a pro), and the fight sequences are quite entertaining, if not a little lacking in polish, mostly due to editing and sound effect issues that make them feel like rehearsals for the fight scenes rather than the finished product.

However, there simply isn’t enough plot development, so we just get fight after fight with various criminals. As campy as some of the sequences are, they become repetitive, especially if you’re waiting for the return of even one zombie.

Also lacking is the development of the relationship between the vigilante and the detective. They’re both charming with great comic timing, but there simply aren’t enough “buddy movie” moments.

They almost always fight their own battles instead of working together (in part because the vigilante is anti-gun and the detective wants to come in with guns blazing). It’s just odd to have two talented guys in the same movie yet give them little chance to play off each other.

The fights take place in church, a strip club, an auto shop, a construction site, a junkyard–until the good guys are eventually abducted by a sleazy crime boss with a patch who has an evil master plan. Finally we get some zombies, and despite budget limitations, it’s good old undead action for the final third of the film. Yay! There’s also a sort of post-apocalyptic vibe, with baddies looking like something out of Mad Max and our two leading men eventually dressed in leather. Delicious.

I’m not going to lie. The hubby and I had a lot of fun with this one despite any flaws, and I will definitely add it to my collection if it gets a DVD release. And of course Bryan Brooks earns Wrecker a spot on the stud stalking page. Wrecker. Sounds like a really hot gay porno film.

 

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Sequels with a holiday twist

I decided to end the year with a triple feature of sequels that all happen to be worthy of a spot on the holiday horror page.

TERROR TRAIN 2 (2022)

Three months after Tubi premiered the Terror Train remake that switched the holiday from New Year’s Eve to Halloween, they’ve released a sequel that takes place on New Year’s Eve. As a typical slasher, Terror Train 2 delivers what we need…a masked killer with sharp weapons. As a sequel, this is a mess.

Essentially it’s a remake of the remake. It takes place 15 months after the first movie—hey at least the dumb ass final girl didn’t go back on the party train 3 months after all her friends were murdered. But she’s still a dumb ass for deciding to do so 15 months later to “face her fear”. Especially when her fear is usually behind her…

The fricking party train is now rebranded the terror train—someone has made her tragedy into a business venture. Same train, same crew members, same masks, same magician, same friends who survived the first film. This movie is so damn stupid.

On the bright side, it will drive the anti-woke crowd crazy, with people of color, lesbians, gays, and even a character specifically referenced as they/them.

Aside from nice vicious kills, it’s all about a bunch of asshole kids that want to go viral on social media, so phone cameras are rolling every minute of the movie.

Not to mention, pretty much every character is a red herring. But the ending is silly fun, and I can’t deny I want this piece of crap and the first film released on Blu-ray so I can add them to my collection.

TERRIFIER 2 (2022)

This 2-hour and 18-minute long hit sequel is now out on 4K, so I finally indulged in the wackiness of it all. Nothing will ever beat Art the Clown as he first appeared in All Hallows’ Eve, but I actually had more fun with this sequel than the first Terrifier.

First I’ll get the hyped gore out of the way—the stuff that supposedly made people puke. Look, if you’ve been around the horror block, you’ve seen gore this nasty before in numerous movies (hell, if you’ve seen Gutterballs, you watched a transgender person’s penis get split in two in graphic detail). The Terrifier 2 gore is way over the top, and every time someone is mutilated they’re still alive, so it’s hard to take the gore more seriously than being silly horror party fun.

Next, there’s that infamous dream sequence. It happens within the first ten minutes of the movie, and I can’t fathom what they were thinking keeping this in. It runs too long, is irrelevant to the rest of the movie, and it is just too goofy to be entertaining for me personally.

The bright side is that while Art uses a gun to kill a bunch of people, it’s just in the dream. He doesn’t use a gun to actually shoot victims as he did in the first movie, which totally ruined that film for me.

Perhaps the biggest shock is that we get to see Art’s ass! What the hell?

Despite this installment running approximately 50 minutes longer than I can usually stand, there wasn’t a moment of boredom for me beyond the dream sequence (that seriously bored me, and annoyed me). I was getting total 80s retro vibes from the performances and the characters (the mother being one of my faves), the throwback synth score nails it, the Halloween atmosphere is perfect, and Art is at the top of his gleefully Sadistic game.

The plot has a single mother dealing with her teen daughter and younger geek son, who has an obsession with Art the Clown, the infamous killer from Halloween the year before. Art sets his sights on killing them with the help of a new little girl clown sidekick that seems to be a figment of his imagination.

The big issue for me was the lack of cohesion. It’s almost like the filmmaker is trying to create some sort of backstory that Art absolutely does not need because he’s freakier as a mystery. The script drops all these pieces of the puzzle along the way, then doesn’t bother to put the puzzle together. This might be the reason for both the main girl’s regressive dream sequence and Art’s imaginary friend. I don’t know if the plan is to iron out the details in a third film, but it felt like there was just too much disjointed storyline going on that didn’t add anything to this splatterfest. And the end kind of jumps the shark, flirting with a touch of sci-fi/fantasy.

Thankfully, after the credits start to roll another scene resets the tone by bringing us back to the horror. This bonus scene also isn’t logical, but it’s better than the Sword in the Stone type shit going on for a few minutes during the final battle.

Other things to look out for include appearances by Felissa Rose and Chris Jericho, and a few other black and white horror movies playing on televisions besides Night of The Living Dead, including Plan 9 From Outer Space and The House on Haunted Hill. There are also what seem to be some segments and setup shots that give nods to moments from the Halloween franchise.

SCARE PACKAGE II: RAD CHAD’S REVENGE (2022)

All the anti-woke white straight guys are on the Internet ragging on this movie for painting women as heroes and men as dumb idiots. These are the same types of douche bags who defend Dave Chappelle’s trans jokes as being “funny because they’re true”. Straight white men simply cannot handle being on the other side of the slander—they miss the days when only they were presented as all-powerful and punched down at everyone else in film and television.

The wraparound for Scare Package II continues one of the plots from the original movie, and I have to say I absolutely loathe it. It’s essentially a short film broken into parts between the other stories, and it is just an overblown and unfunny parody of Saw movies with some really absurd “traps”.

Meanwhile, two of the four stories here are holiday themed, and there are notable nods to other horror flicks, from Poltergeist to Black Christmas.

1st story – set on New Year’s Eve 1989, this is a rather clever nod to how the 90s would be the dawning of the age of slasher deconstruction thanks to Scream. Here we have two houses, one with the “final girls” and the other with the “sure to die girls”. Everything turns in on itself when the final girls discover their strict adherence to being good to stay alive is no longer paying off. There are also some “woke” pokes at the fragility of the very males that hate this movie for speaking truth: a) the laughable suggestion of a male being strong enough to be the sole survivor in a slasher, and b) mocking how slashers of the 80s sexualized and brutally killed women all for male enjoyment.

2nd story – this is another sequel to a story from the first movie, and has a couple going to a cabin in the woods on the Fourth of July and facing off against a killer that just won’t die.

3rd story – my favorite tale in the bunch, this is inspired by the urban legend about the ghost boy in Three Men and a Baby, and also flirts with aspects of The Ring.

4th story – a group of kids goes all Re-Animator by bringing a dude back to life.

The wraparound almost salvages itself by turning into a video store slasher in the closing segment. It’s also important to note that this film lands on the does the gay guy die? page thanks to a steamy kiss between two guys in love.

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I’m not one to hold a Grudge…or 13 Grudges

It’s been years since I dared to delve into covering every single Ringu/The Ring movie, so I’ve finally decided I needed to do the same for the Ju-On/The Grudge franchise. I’ve already covered Sadako vs. Kayako (Ringu vs. Ju-On) on the Ringu post, so let’s get into the rest of them here.

JU-ON: THE CURSE (2000)

Before Ju-On hit theaters, there were two short, made-for-video “Ju-On: The Curse” films. When you take away the fact that the first half-hour of part 2 is comprised entirely of footage from part 1, both movies combined basically add up to one full-length film.

It’s no surprise the ghost with a grudge crawled her way onto the big screen, because these two films are a strong start. Asian filmmakers have mastered the art of making ghost stories terrifying, while American ghost films are most successful at making tween slumber parties scary.

The major frustration I have with the Ju-On/The Grudge movies is that the story is never told chronologically. It always feels like a series of supernatural vignettes that barely gel together, leave out crucial plot points that would help with cohesion, and sometime even feel like they have space-time continuum conflicts. Plus, it suffers from my pet peeve as a result…we know exactly what’s going to happen to characters before it actually does! Here I’ll do my best to make sense of each film as I go through them here.

At the center of the first film is a house in which a husband killed his wife, son, and their cat. I guess that’s why the ghost boy meows–it’s like he returned as a boy/cat mashup ghost.

The Curse consists of basically two timelines once you untie all the knots. First there’s the murderous husband who kills his family. This is discovered when a teacher comes to the home because the boy hasn’t been attending classes. He finds the dead wife in an opening to the attic that’s in a closet (eek!) then gets terrorized by the grudge ghost, who delivers her first amazing stairway crawl. This scene is simply terrifying, and she looks freaky as fuck.

At the same time, the murderous husband, who discovered his wife was in love with the teacher and therefore killed her, is outside with a bag containing a dead fetus he pulled from the womb of the teacher’s pregnant wife. The grudge ghost crawls out of a garbage bag on the street and kills the murderous husband.

The other story is about the people who move into the haunted house next. This is when it becomes apparent that the curse isn’t contained to the house–it infects anyone who comes in contact with the house and anyone those people know. Paying Payback forward?

A mother, and her daughter and son now live there. When the daughter leaves to go feed rabbits at the school, her at-home tutor ends up alone in the haunted house and gets dragged into the attic by the grudge ghost.

Meanwhile, the son’s girlfriend heads to the school in hopes of meeting him there. The place is empty since it’s after school hours, and this poor girl hides under a desk and is terrified by the ghost boy in a super suspenseful scene loaded with perfectly petrifying camera angles. We never do find out what became of the brother.

Next, detectives discover a disembodied jaw. Turns out it belonged to the daughter, who comes home shuffling like a zombie. When her mother catches sight of her, her jaw drops, too. This is horrific because the detectives questioned if someone with no jaw can still be lurking around alive somehow…which implies the jawless daughter is alive and possessed by the grudge ghost. Eek! And…ouch.

In the final act, a real estate agent asks his psychic sister to cleanse the haunted house so he can sell it. She does the best she can….

JU-ON: THE CURSE 2 (2000)

The Curse 2 begins with the teacher segment from the first film in chronological order, and then replays the real estate agent storyline, I guess so we can appreciate that the real estate agent and his son end up moving into the apartment that the teacher lived in with his wife (the one the murderous husband ripped the fetus out of).

Meanwhile, the haunted house has new owners. The wife is possessed by the grudge ghost and kills her husband by whacking him over the head with a frying pan.

The real estate agent’s psychic sister visits his new apartment, gets possessed by the grudge ghost curse, and kills her parents.

Wanting answers to what ails his sister, the real estate agent returns to the haunted house, where he is killed by the possessed owner. His son ends up being chased and killed by a bunch of grudge ghost clones in his school.

To make things even more confusing, a detective who investigated the original murders is killed by the ghosts at his house, and then a detective who went to check on him is murdered by the grudge ghost.

The film ends with sounds of some girls sneaking into the haunted house…

JU-ON: THE GRUDGE (2002)

Upon revisiting the Ju-On films, I’m shocked to discover that the first Ju-On: The Curse blows Ju-On: The Grudge out of the water. The Grudge suffers from sequelitis–they took a good thing and exploited it by shoving the grudge ghost’s face into the camera so much she loses her potency.

To bring us up to speed, the film opens with the murder of the wife and the cat (nothing on screen–we just see the murderous husband grab the pussy). This scene establishes that these ghosts already haunt the house and is the first step in making this a direct sequel to the other films.

There’s a new family living in the haunted house: a man, his wife, and his barely functioning mother. The wife sees the ghost boy and cat when she’s alone with the mother, and the man finds her in shock when he gets home. Within minutes she dies. The man seems to become possessed by the murderous husband’s ghost and takes his wife’s body to the attic. He then gets paid a visit by the grudge ghost.

His sister pops in to check on their mother, and when she leaves she is terrorized by the grudge ghost, who first appears to her in a public restroom stall (the movie already jumping the shark). The grudge ghost then infiltrates the sister’s apartment and gets under the sheets with her in bed. Eek!

A young social worker comes to the haunted house, finds the mother all alone. When she sees a dark shadow hovering over the old woman, she passes out.

Her coworker comes looking for her and finds her unconscious. She is sent to the hospital, and the coworker who found her at the haunted house is found dead soon after.

The detective who was on the original murder case in the haunted house decides to go to the haunted house to burn it down. Two detectives on the current case follow him there, the grudge ghost comes crawling in…and he runs out, leaving the other two detectives to die! But apparently he dies anyway at some point.

We next meet his daughter, who becomes paranoid when she sees flyers around town about three missing classmates. They were the girls who went into the haunted house at the end of Ju-On: The Curse 2. They never came back out, but she got away. She locks herself in her bedroom and tapes papers over her windows like something out of Pulse to keep out the curse, but her three dead classmates get in anyway and lead her right into the arms of the grudge ghost.

Meanwhile, the social worker is still being haunted. She dreams of the grudge ghost, the ghost boy, and black cats. The famous hand scene in the shower is presented for the first time, but it’s less effective than in the U.S. remake, for the hand merely touches her head, where as it is embedded into Sarah Michelle Gellar’s head in the remake.

And then, a friend of the social worker calls and says she’s checking on a little boy who hasn’t been coming to school. Bitch, the ghosts used that old trick five years ago! How the hell are you falling for it? Has the little dead boy been back in school and just decided to stop showing up again?

Anyway, the social worker runs to the haunted house to save the day and watches the friend get dragged up into the attic. Finally, the grudge ghost comes crawling down the stairs. The scene isn’t quite as effective as it was in Ju-On: The Curse, but it’s still slow and deliberate and sure to terrify if you’ve never seen Ju-On: The Curse.

Then something new happens. The grudge ghost doesn’t get the social worker…the murderous husband’s ghost comes down the stairs to claim her!

JU-ON: THE GRUDGE 2 (2003)

It’s no surprise there were no Japanese sequels for over half a decade after this absolute disaster that uses every bad trick in the sequel-making book.

Essentially, Ju-on: The Grudge 2 goes the Halloween Resurrection route. The grudge ghost and the ghost boy are able to terrify new victims because a film crew decides to make a movie in the haunted house.

The grudge ghost exploits her hair for the first time, obviously jealous of Sadako’s hair getting all the attention in the Ringu films.

She hangs people with it, makes it into a web across a ceiling so she can dangle from it like a spider, and uses it as a wig camouflage in the makeup department.

Various people are terrorized, including a pregnant actress, a makeup artist, the director, and a school girl.

Eventually, the grudge ghost crawls out of the pregnant actress’s twat when she’s giving birth. And to think this trash came out a year before The Grudge even got started in U.S. theaters.

Congratulations! It’s a girl!

JU-ON BLACK GHOST (2009)

For the two short films Black Ghost and White Ghost (an hour each), the original haunted house story is not relevant at all, but the ghost boy does make a little fun cameo, meowing outside a window where a toy dog is barking at him from inside.

Black Ghost borrows from Stephen King’s The Dark Half. A young girl is diagnosed as suffering from psychological trauma because her mother and father don’t get along, but it turns out her unborn twin sister is attached to her uterus like a cyst.

Her aunt, who is well-versed in the paranormal, exorcises the twin…the wrong twin! So the unborn twin uses the living twin’s body to go kill the aunt and her family.

But before that, the aunt’s husband, a sleazy perv, is stalking one of his female employees. When he goes to see her, she has been possessed by the black ghost and attacks him. He is knocked out, wakes up, and finds her dead. So he buries her!

A nurse who was caring for the young girl is also haunted by the black ghost, which kills her and her neighbor.

In the end the young girl’s mother jumps off a building with her in a murder/suicide in hopes of ending the curse.

JU-ON WHITE GHOST (2009)

White Ghost is another tale of a family massacre, and it’s much more gruesome than the previous story. An extended family moves into the house of the psychic sister from Black Ghost. The uncle becomes possessed and starts abusing his niece (disturbing scene).

Eventually, a message on a cassette tape comes into play, leading the uncle to go around and gruesomely kill the whole family. He forces one woman into a bathtub and then lights her on fire, which begs the question…why didn’t she just turn on the faucet and put herself out?…and chokes the grandmother of the house while she’s doing her best drag. 

Anyway, the uncle cuts off the head of the niece, takes a taxi to the woods, and hangs himself. The taxi driver happens to be the father of the niece’s friend, and he disappears after giving the uncle that ride.

Turns out the niece’s friend has psychic visions. She sensed something was wrong with the niece’s house while visiting her, and the niece even told her the uncle was acting different and doing bad things, but the psychic girl didn’t intervene or tell an adult about the abuse.

Seven years later, the psychic girl does a Ouija board with two friends. After that, one of the girls is killed by the ghost of the drag grandmother. This white ghost grandmother walks around with the murderous uncle’s basketball (which she used to do while alive). Weird.

The white ghost grandmother with the basketball terrorizes several people, including a dude in a Santa suit who tries to deliver a pie to the now empty house. Apparently a ghost ordered the pie because it was hungry for a new victim. This is the creepiest scene in the whole film.

Later, the Santa suit dude is still in shock from what he saw when he goes home to celebrate Christmas with his girlfriend. Unfortunately, he thinks she is the white ghost grandmother with the basketball and kills her. How the Grudge Stole Christmas.

A couple more characters are introduced to explain the cassette tape, but this pointless detour adds nothing to the curse other than bringing in somewhat of a nod to the video tape spreading the ghost virus in Ringu.

In the end, the psychic girl, who still feels guilt over not helping the niece when she needed it, is sort of forgiven when a ghost visits her.

JU-ON: THE BEGINNING OF THE END (2014)

This is a reboot and a retelling of Ju-On: The Curse, and it makes a hot mockery of the legendary story.

The original family murder situation has changed. The mother wanted desperately to get pregnant, but her husband wasn’t fulfilling that wish. She was visited in a dream by a “white” boy and became pregnant. It seems like some sort of immaculate conception where the ghost boy has the same name as the son she gives birth to and is actually the one who impregnated her with a version of himself in her dream (which begs the question, where did the horny white ghost boy originate from?). The husband couldn’t make a connection with the boy, so he eventually confronts the wife about it, thinking she had an affair and got pregnant. The dumb bitch mocks him and admits the boy is not his, so he kills her with a twist of her head. He then microwaves the family cat (an awful scene that is presented more than once), and we assume he kills the boy as well.

Meanwhile, a young teacher notices a boy has been missing in action for like a week, so she pays a visit to his house. This is where this reboot makes a huge change. The grudge ghost is rarely the antagonist. It’s the ghost boy who does most of the terrorizing and killing! When the teacher goes to the haunted house, she sees the grudge ghost not as a creepy crawler, but as a normal person who is just acting weird and also makes the classic Grudge noise.

Back at school, the teacher continues to be haunted by the ghost boy and the normal looking version of the grudge ghost. It begins to affect her behavior, so her boyfriend investigates the family, the haunted house, and the curse. He is eventually killed in his home by the grudge ghost. It’s a gruesome scene in which she twists his head around.

Meanwhile, because Grudge movies need more kills and more confusing side stories, a group of school girls decides to break into the haunted house. One girl is terrorized there by the ghost boy, and then all the girls begin to get killed after they leave. Past plot elements are reused. One girl covers her windows to keep the ghosts out. Another gets a ghost visit in a bed, only this time it is the ghost boy under the sheets instead of the grudge ghost.

Another girl gets her jaw torn off. Newer kills include one girl getting dragged into her refrigerator, and another girl seeing a giant face of one of her dead friends on a subway then waking up in the haunted house and getting tossed around like a yo-yo. Strange.

Finally, the teacher finds her boyfriend dead, so she returns to the haunted house one more time because she’s an idiot. She sees visions (this is where the whole back plot of the family is revealed), and then the staircase scene is revised.

The teacher looks up the stairs almost as if she’s seen these movies before and knows the grudge ghost is supposed to come crawling down them. So the grudge ghost tricks her by appearing on the ceiling instead before crawl chasing the teacher up the stairs! The teacher gets away and returns home. It’s there that this installment whips out its most original traumatic visual–the dead boyfriend walking towards her backwards with his twisted head hanging flaccidly to the side. Nightmarish.

This new reboot also introduces drawings of spirals, and in the sequel they become more like drawings of the POV from the bottom of the well in The Ring. It’s like this franchise tends to forget which franchise it is at times.

JU-ON: THE FINAL CURSE (2015)

The only film to start with a quick recap of the previous film, this one also shows that when the murderous husband goes to kill the boy that isn’t actually his son, the boy morphs into the white ghost boy with the same name. Can you believe after all this time they decided the ghost boy wasn’t the OG ghost boy? Or that the murderous husband in the original was so much hotter than this dude?

The teacher from the reboot has been missing, and her sister, a hotel worker, traces the teacher’s disappearance back to the boy and the haunted house. When she visits it there’s just a hole in the ground, and a man standing by it says he destroyed the house because he lost family there. It feels like this is another story in need of explaining, but we don’t get that.

The hotel worker’s boyfriend starts investigating the story of the haunted house not only because it’s affecting her, but because it starts to haunt him at the train station where he works. He’s terrorized by the normal version of the grudge ghost, and there’s one scene on the platform that reminds me of a scene from the video game Silent Hill 4: The Room.

Meanwhile, the curse finds a new house to haunt and the whole premise of the series takes a confusing turn. A school girl’s little cousin is coming to stay with them. Her mother (sister of the cousin’s father) admits to her that the boy’s mother died recently. Obviously the mother’s brother is the murderous husband from the original haunted house family.

The school girl begins getting terrorized by the grudge ghost in her own home, but despite her house being haunted, she has her friends over for a slumber party. As a result, all those friends must die at the hands of the grudge ghost. One girl is singing karaoke when the grudge ghost shoves her head into the ceiling.

Another girl in a restaurant is melted to death. These deaths in these reboot installments feel like they move into Freddy Krueger nightmare territory, with victims just transporting from one location to another as if in a dream.

The grudge ghost also kills the school girl and her mother in their house.

Meanwhile, the boyfriend goes to the new haunted house, fights the little boy cousin, kills him, and then goes home, where the grudge ghost crawls through his mail slot and kills him.

Finding her boyfriend dead, the hotel clerk goes to the new haunted house and interacts with the ghosts of the school girl and her mother. We learn that the white ghost boy has been jumping into different bodies, including the body of the cousin boy with the same name, who apparently used that to his advantage to escape from the murderous husband’s grips in this rewritten backstory.

The hotel clerk is attacked by the grudge ghost, who is back to crawling down stairs and looks more furious than ever. She morphs temporarily into the teacher to tell the hotel clerk the curse never ends before morphing back into the grudge ghost…with a slit-mouth woman face! The Japanese franchise comes to an end by once again forgetting which franchise it is!

Some nods to previous installments include the hand in the hair scene done the way it was presented in the U.S. remake, the distorted photo, and the ghost boy meowing.

JU-ON: ORIGINS (2020)

This Netflix series includes 6 half-hour episodes, and you can get through them pretty fast.

Despite its name, this is in no way a “prequel” to the original storyline. And honestly, while it has its moments, it’s not even much of a scary ghost tale. It presents itself (fictionally) as the true story on which the Ju-On movies are based. Eye roll.

Basically this is a cycle of “the curse” being paid forward in the form of women getting raped and having their babies taken from them!

This is some dark shit, even throwing in trauma porn elements and drug use. It also highlights that this series has always been about violence towards women and there being nothing as dangerous as a woman scorned.

So what about the horror? There’s some hard to recognize possession going on and an occasional sighting of the new ghost woman, plus there’s a black shadowy ghost at one point, but this is rarely about actual ghosts, which is a bummer.

We do get a sort of Ring face moment, a black cat thrown in like some sort of Ju-On Easter egg, some visits to the closet, a quick moment with the new ghost woman in the attic opening, some actual murders by living people, a gruesome baby removal, and a seance.

THE GRUDGE (2004)

The U.S. remake comes from the director of the first four Ju-On movies. It generally sticks to the plot of Ju-On: The Grudge, but it does incorporate some elements from Ju-On: The Curse.

I watched the extended cut on my Blu-ray, and what’s interesting is that there are still over 30 minutes of deleted scenes included in the bonus features. Some of them are cheesy romance scenes between Sarah Michelle Gellar and her boyfriend, but many of them are recycled scenes from the original Ju-On: The Grudge, plus tension sustaining scenes that apparently would have made the film too boring for American audiences expecting quick cuts and rapid-fire scares.

The initial murder is more significantly demonstrated in flashbacks in this remake. The woman tries to get away from the murderous husband and he snaps her neck. He also viciously kills the cat and drowns the boy.

The plot with the man, his wife, and his invalid mother has Clea Duvall of The Faculty playing the wife. In this film, when the man finds his wife in shock and then she dies, the ghost boy appears, meows, and that’s it. The whole scene of the man seeming to be possessed by the murderous husband’s ghost is omitted, as is the scene of the sister coming to check up on the mother (both scenes are included in the deleted scenes).

The sister is only introduced via phone messages before we meet her experiencing mostly the same attack as in Ju-On: The Grudge. However, the restroom scene is replaced with her being pursued in a stairwell by the grudge ghost before it gets her in her bed at home.

The remake has a nurse instead of social worker coming to visit the old lady (who has dementia). The nurse hears noises upstairs so checks in the attic through the closet. There’s a major jump scare as the grudge ghost appears.

Next, Sarah Michele Gellar, who is working in Japan, gets assigned to the old lady’s case because the other nurse has disappeared. Black hair on the ceiling comes down over the old lady and reveals the grudge ghost’s face.

Ted Raimi, who plays Sarah’s boss, comes to the haunted house and finds her in shock. This is where there are some noticeable changes. Detectives come on the scene and find Clea Duvall and her husband dead in the attic, plus a jaw on the floor. Ryo Ishibashi of Audition plays the detective on the case. He decides to go burn down the haunted house to end the curse, where he is killed by the murderous husband’s ghost.

In another plot element borrowed from Ju-On: The Curse, Ted Raimi’s character encounters the jawless nurse at his office, and it’s just as freaky.

Meanwhile, Sarah gets out of the hospital. There’s a hokey scene of her seeing the grudge ghost’s face on the window she’s sitting next to while on a bus, she gets the awesome hand in her hair scene while showering, she begins researching the haunted house, and she then decides to go visit it!

The backstory relies on Ju-On: The Curse once again as Sarah experiences a residual haunting in the haunted house after discovering that her boyfriend has gone looking for her there. She witnesses Bill Pullman as a teacher who checked on a boy missing from class, discovered through a journal that the boy’s mother was obsessed with him, found her body in the attic, fled the house, and then committed suicide. There’s something very The Eye about the way this plot point is presented.

Sarah finds her boyfriend in the foyer as she tries to leave the haunted house. Cue the famous crawling grudge ghost scene. It so weak compared to the way it plays out in Ju-On: The Curse. It’s much faster, the shots are way too close to the grudge ghost’s face, and of course she has to kill the boyfriend before she can give Sarah her undivided attention. When she does, Sarah sets the bitch on fire with the gasoline left behind by the dead detective.

The film ends with the obligatory scary final frame…the grudge ghost appearing behind Sarah in the hospital.

THE GRUDGE 2 (2006)

I give this one credit for breaking away from the plots of previous installments to give us a new story while expanding on the past story.

During the opening credits, there are grainy clips of the original murder scene in the haunted house as a reminder of the ghosts we are still dealing with. There are then three different stories as the movie does its usual time jumping.

First there are three girls at an international school in Japan. One American girl is new, so a blonde girl and an Asian girl take her to see the haunted house. This scene was only referenced as happening in Ju-On: The Grudge 2, and interestingly, it is reminiscent of a sequence with three school girls that would play out years later in the Ju-On: Origins series. The three girls experience some scary shit by the closet, but all three girls make it out of the haunted house alive.

The Asian girl, about to have sex with her showering boyfriend, gets dragged into a mirror by the grudge ghost. The blonde girl finds black hair in her head while showering (her worst nightmare), hides under a desk in a replication of a scene from Ju-On: The Curse, and gets consumed by the grudge ghost’s hair in a phone booth.

The Grudge series seriously decide it needed to cash in on Samara’s black hair horror because The Ring was such a hit in the U.S.

The black cat haunts the new girl in class, she is terrorized by the ghosts of the other two girls, and she sees the school psychologist as a ghost woman.

The next story is about the continuation of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s plot. Her sister, played by Amber Tamblyn (the girl who got Ring face in the closet in The Ring), comes to Japan to bring Sarah back home.

Sarah is being held by police in the hospital for starting the fire in the haunted house. She is chased by the grudge ghost, is pulled off the roof…and lands right beside Amber and a cute male journalist she’s talking to.

The two decide to delve into what happened at the haunted house (which clearly didn’t burn down all the way), get spooked there, and run away.

This is where the curse gets a whole new backstory. They learn that the mother of the grudge ghost is some sort of supernatural healer who would extract evil spirits out of people and feed them to her daughter…the grudge ghost! I don’t get the point of this other than to present the wife as inherently evil rather than the vengeful victim of her murderous husband!

Time to once again mimic aspects of The Ring. While the journalist is developing a photo he took of the haunted house, the grudge ghost escapes from it (like Samara climbing from the television).

Amber finds him dead in the dark room and then goes to find the mother of the grudge ghost…and manages to get the woman killed by the ghost of her own daughter!

Amber goes back to the haunted house and witnesses a residual haunting of the original kills. The murderous husband’s ghost attacks her and twists her head.

Finally, the grudge finds its way to the United States. Jennifer Beals moves into a new apartment in Illinois with her boyfriend and his son and daughter. The son sees the neighbors bringing someone in a hoodie into their place. He hears knocks through the wall, he sees hoodie person lurking around the building, and he finally goes into the apartment of the hoodie neighbor and sees two ghost girls peering through holes in papers covering the window (borrowed from Ju-On: The Grudge).

Jennifer Beals has also been listening through the wall of the neighbor’s place, gets possessed by the grudge ghost, and kills the father, pouring hot grease over his head before bashing it in with a frying pan as in Ju-On: The Curse 2.

A very weird scene has the daughter’s friend acting possessed, drinking a container of milk, puking it all back in, and then drinking it again. The daughter simply answers her ringing cell phone and walks away! Kids these days. The friend is then visited by the ghost boy.

Things spiral out of control fast. The son finds his sister drowned in the tub, sees Jennifer Beals soaking in the tub, and finds the hoodie neighbor crumpled on the hallway floor. It’s the new girl form the school in Japan, who returned home to the U.S. and brought the curse with her. Argh! Hands grab her from beneath her hoodie, and the grudge ghost replaces her in the hoodie to go after the boy.

I have to tell you, the alternate ending sequence in the bonus features on the DVD is much better, replicating the classic grudge ghost crawl scene, but letting her finally stand on her own two feet as well. Also, the son gets more of a scare tour through the apartments, including seeing a hanging dead body and hoodie girl’s parents dead in their apartment.

THE GRUDGE 3 (2009)

This is the first and only film in the series that plays out in order with no time jumps. It also marks the first time without the original director of the franchise. Also of note is that the grudge ghost is played by a different actress, which is very obvious. The makeup on both her and the ghost boy is also much more artificial looking than before.

The film picks up after The Grudge 2, with the young boy in an institution, where he is killed by the grudge ghost. His doctor, played by horror queen Shawnee Smith, decides to go the apartment building that was the root of all his babbling.

Also heading to the apartment building is…brace yourself…the grudge ghost’s sister! Yep, she has a sister now. The sister heard about the murders in the apartment building in Chicago and just knew the curse had found its way to the U.S.

Following the murders, the Chicago apartment building is being renovated, and the manager, a cute young man who lives in one of the apartments with his teen sister and his little sister, is being pressured to keep the current tenants and draw in new ones. That isn’t going well at all, especially once the grudge ghost begins knocking off anyone who lives there.

This is definitely just milking the series with Grudge staples. The grudge ghost crawls out of a painting and out of plastic wrap. The grudge ghost pursues Shawnee at the mental health facility she works in. The ghost boy visits the little sister in her bedroom and meows at her. The manager finds a dead victim suffering from Ring face. The manager is eventually possessed by the ghost of the murderous husband and hunts his sisters.

The newest change is that the grudge ghost’s sister attempts to do a ritual to stop the grudge ghost. That doesn’t go as planned and the grudge ghost possesses her own sister, which gives us an awesome, all-new grudge ghost at the last second.

In the end it is implied that the manager’s little sister is possessed by the grudge ghost.

THE GRUDGE (2020)

Rather than a reboot, this movie actually takes place during The Grudge and The Grudge 2, yet it’s kind of repetitive in that it brings the grudge curse to the U.S. just like The Grudge 2 did. Once again we go back to an out of order sequence of events. This does nothing to make these movies any more intriguing and just makes them hard to follow, so I can’t imagine why they would continue doing it two decades into the franchise. Not to mention, unlike the Japanese movies, the American movies don’t divide segments up by flashing the name on screen of the character to be focused on before each segment, making things even more confusing.

So let’s de-confuse it.

It’s 2004. An American nurse working at the haunted house in Japan (I guess before Sarah Michelle Gellar and the girl before her get there), quits the job and heads home to her husband and daughter in Pennsylvania. She is possessed by the grudge ghost, so she kills them and herself.

A real estate agent who is trying to help them sell their house is haunted a bit (including the old hand in the hair shower scene), gets attacked by the nurse ghost and her daughter’s ghost in one of the scariest scenes in the movie, and then kills his pregnant wife before drowning himself.

Next to move into the house are a man and his wife with dementia, played by Lin Shaye. The man contacts a woman who does assisted suicide to help put his wife out of her misery.

Discovering Lin has killed the husband and cut off her own fingers, the suicide assistant flees the house, but the ghost of the nurse’s husband is in the car and she crashes and dies.

Finally, there’s a female cop who gets a new job. She discovers the car and body of the suicide assistant. She goes to the haunted house because the address was in the car, and she finds Lin and the corpse of the husband. Lin is sent to an institution, where she takes a dive down a stairwell to kill herself.

The female cop is haunted by the ghost of the nurse’s husband, and there are a couple of really tense scenes. She decides she needs to end the curse, so she goes to the house and burns it down.

Would you be shocked to know that the final frame reveals that you can’t stop this curse?

Honestly, I’d be surprised if the franchise gets another movie (no I wouldn’t), because this film is generally really dull. In fact, there are 30 minutes of deleted scenes on the Blu-ray, and some of them are good scary sequences that would have helped make this one a little more exciting.

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They just won’t die!

It’s time for a trio of sequels. Actually, a fourth installment, a prequel, and an indie sequel.

JEEPERS CREEPERS REBORN (2022)

This is the one that’s supposed to have no connection to the pedophile who created the original trilogy. It’s also supposed to be so bad it makes the third film look good.

I totally disagree. This is my kind of refreshing bad sequel/reboot. It’s a throwback that combines visually fantastical, gothic outside CGI scenery reminiscent of movies like Van Helsing and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen with the gloomy, washed out treatment of supernatural slashers that dominated the horror genre in the early 2000s.

And most importantly, rather than trying to drag the Creeper into a trendy, awful, modern day trauma porn horror situation, it simply celebrates the days of cheesy horror, with young people making a wrong turn while just looking for a good time.

For the opener, Dee Wallace stars in what is basically an homage to the pipe scene in the original film.

Then the franchise flirts with one of the more resent subgenres…horror festival horror!

Indeed, our main couple is going to an outdoor horror convention. That made me so excited, but the film opts not to make this about the Creeper killing everyone at the festival. Bummer. Instead, our main couple and a few others take a special Creeper tour.

They end up at a derelict mansion in the woods and that’s where all the action takes place, with the small group trying to escape as the Creeper pursues them through the house.

This reborn installment has some new tricks up its sleeve. The Creeper now emits a high-pitched squeal that hurts everyone’s ears. There’s a cult determined to keep the Creeper appeased. And…there’s a reason for the subtitle “reborn”. It’s like the Jeepers Creepers franchise has gone the Halloween 6: Curse of Michael Myers route.

Really, it’s just a popcorn flick you watch for the familiar Creeper vibes and all the killing action. You know…just like Jeepers Creepers 2.

PEARL (2022)

Ti West has entered a new realm of horror output as he expands on his slasher X with this prequel that makes a statement all its own. They are two totally different movies including time period, subgenre, and style, yet they are literally two parts of the same story. I really can’t wait to see what West does with the third film.

Pearl is not a slasher as much as it is a portrait of a mentally ill young woman as she spirals into killer territory. Mia Goth, who played a dual role in X, is freakishly mesmerizing as young Pearl in this prequel. Her character reminded me of a cross between fictional Norman Bates and factual Lizzie Borden.

It’s 1918, and West reflects that in the oddly innocent style he chooses to set the tone of the film.

Pearl lives in the farmhouse with her mother and her invalid father. She is married, but her husband is away at war. She is inspired to follow her dreams of becoming a dancer by the projectionist at the local theater, who is fricking beautiful. Makes sense that she is feeling a burning inside for him.

Pearl is clearly unstable. She kills animals to feed to that gator we met in X. She has bizarre sexual fantasies. She has emotional breakdowns.

And eventually she starts to kill anyone she thinks is afraid of her. And they have every reason to be.

The killing doesn’t start until an hour into the movie, but Pearl unravels fast after that. The kills are disturbing and vicious in their matter-of-fact presentation, and you genuinely feel bad for everyone who unintentionally ends up on the receiving end of whatever weapon Pearl is wielding. You simply must go into this movie not expecting the same experience you had watching X.

DON’T FUCK IN THE WOODS 2 (2022)

I’m a fan of the first film, which has kids camping, fucking, and then getting killed off by a creature in the woods.

Rather than give us more of exactly the same, the sequel takes a clean turn into another subgenre after picking up where the first film leaves off.

The creature steps aside for this installment after unleashing a penis-shaped slug parasite–which worms its way into counselors setting up a summer camp.

Before the horror gets going, the film does what it should–lives up to its name. Nudity, both male and female, and sex, both straight and lesbian, abound as the counselors peel away from the campfire to go have sex. Yay!

And then the horror starts with a graphic scene of the parasite entering one of the girls. Ew!

This turns into somewhat of a love letter to movies like Evil Dead and Demons, with those violated by the parasite growing big nasty teeth and blank white eyes. Awesome.

The usual screaming and running ensues, and the film eventually shows Raimi more love, with a hero wielding a motorized saw, and a tag after the credits that makes it seem like a third movie (if it happens) could be taking us into Army of Darkness territory.

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CHRISTMAS HORROR ROUND-UP 2022

This turned out to be a major year for seasonal scares, in part thanks to horror friends on social who pointed out some movies I might have missed otherwise. Therefore, this is a huge post with a substantial batch of Christmas horror flicks that are getting added to the complete holiday horror page.

(CURSE OF) JACK FROST (2022)

Unlike the 1997 Jack Frost, this is not about a killer snowman. This evil old folk legend gets a dark backstory in fairy tale form. He disemboweled Mrs. Claus, so Santa had him dismembered and the parts buried all over the place so he couldn’t come back…

He’s baaaAAAck.

Oddly enough Jack is a kind of bad ass goth rocker in a leather jacket who gets his own guitar rock theme song every time he appears, with winds whipping up and snow swirling around him. He looks like a guy wearing a mask and rubber hands, and that totally scratched my silly seasonal slasher itch.

Jack targets a family responsible for guarding one of his remaining missing body parts. The young pretty daughter ends up at a church with her female friends, establishing a typical slasher scenario.

Jack Frost goes to work taking them out, usually using strings of Christmas lights as his weapon of choice.

There’s running, screaming, dying, Jack Frost taunting victims…it feels low budget, but it does have a dark tone and holiday atmosphere.

THE KILLING TREE (2022)

The director of the Winnie-The-Pooh horror flick brings us a 72-minute, campy holiday slasher that is similar in tone to the 1997 fave Jack Frost, only with a killer Christmas tree instead.

It opens with a woman casting a spell to resurrect her dead criminal husband in…a Star of David pentagram? This Christmas horror flick is anti-Semitic.

It’s kind of hilarious when the dude comes back from the dead only to realize he’s in the form of a Christmas tree. His reactions and comments throughout the film are the only comedy here…everything else is played straight.

The tree is out for revenge, determined to take down the girl whose parents he killed the Christmas before, which is what led to his death.

Luckily, she’s having a Christmas party at her house. Don’t you love how the kids in these movies always have a party a year after the tragic event they haven’t gotten over yet?

What makes the film funny (aside from the Christmas tree talking) is that it’s literally a slasher with a walking Christmas tree killer. There’s some hokey CGI tree effects, and the tree size never remains consistent—sometimes it’s the size of a person, other times it looks like a 2-story monster. It also has long, tentacle-like arms and light strings that do a lot of the dirty work.

It’s cheesy, but it definitely gets you in the Christmas horror mood and makes a good background horror flick while you’re enjoying your own festivities at home.

THE CHRISTMAS TAPES (2022)

This indie holiday anthology delivers fairly basic found footage clichés.

A family of four is exchanging gifts. The son is presented as gay (as demonstrated by his reaction to getting a scarf for Christmas), and the daughter is a wannabe filmmaker. She sets her video camera in motion when a home invader ties up the family and forces them to watch some Christmas horror video tapes…

1st story – a couple going on a camping trip for their internet travel channel does a spell on a scarecrow that brings it to life. The tent action gave me Blair Witch flashbacks, however the scarecrow is scarier than that witch bitch could ever be.

No Christmas spirit here, because the couple is missing Christmas at home to traipse through the woods.

2nd story – a dad decides to surprise his kids by hiring a Santa service that puts him in a big gift box and delivers him to their door. What could possibly go wrong?

3rd story – this is a super short tale about a package that needs to be delivered before a timer runs out…

4th story – we finish things off with some Paranormal Activity vibes. A couple moves into a new home, things start getting weird with their holiday decorations, and so they call in a paranormal expert…horror comedy king Dave Sheridan! As much as I love Dave, this story drags out in hopes that Dave’s comedic shtick will steal the show, but it doesn’t. However, he does make a power bottom quip that made me feel all warm and fuzzy…

HE KNOWS (2022)

Watch this holiday slasher strictly for the eerie elf and the violent death scenes. Underdeveloped characters meander around the sets waiting to be killed, and the story lacks any logical flow.

As a child, a girl sees her father killed by the elf.

As an adult, she tells her daughter a great, dark tale of Sammy the Elf and how elves hate humans but Santa enslaved them to work at the North Pole.

She then leaves her daughter home alone with her mother, played by horror veteran Lynn Lowry.

Meanwhile, the elf, who has a kick ass mask and does this freaky head jerk motion, starts killing off a list of naughty people. That would be all the meandering characters I was talking about, who feel totally disconnected from the “main characters”, who are forgotten for most of the film.

The elf definitely delivers on the creepy holiday spirit and brutal kills. However, the film runs painfully long at 100 minutes, and the big mask removal reveal at the end is disappointing—it seriously “introduces” the killer as a main character all of a sudden right before the film ends.

If you stick around after the credits roll, there is a “pre-movie” scene that gives you significant backstory that wasn’t presented in the movie itself.

Not to mention, I’d be curious to know if the killer was supposed to be gay, because it really seems to be implied.

WEREDEER (2022)

Running just a little over an hour long, this is the kind of absurd Christmas horror film you watch because it’s called Weredeer. Meaning if you watch this and then go online to bitch about it, you’re just going to make yourself look stupid.

The opening scene is straight up comedy as 2 hunters offer some funny banter before creature POV comes for them.

Then we meet a straight couple heading to the guy’s family home in the woods for the holidays. This family of rednecks even includes a lesbian couple!

The dialogue and character interactions aren’t particularly entertaining, but again…you’re here for the weredeer.

The main guy’s girlfriend is bit by a deer in the woods and soon turns into a very pretty creature. But that doesn’t mean she won’t beat you to death with her front hooves, which is exactly what she does to victims, and it’s quite funny.

And yet after the blatantly comedic opening scene with the hunters, the film doesn’t play as a comedy. It’s fairly serious in tone and allows the silliness to speak for itself.

NUTCRACKER MASSACRE (2022)

Yay! A simple Christmas slasher about a big killer nutcracker! The only issue I had with this film was that the creators felt the need to open with a kill that actually takes place later in the film, and therefore is presented again where it’s meant to be chronologically.

That’s because our killer nutcracker doesn’t come to be until after some major story development. Our main girl is on the outs with her boyfriend, so she accepts an offer to come visit her aunt for Christmas.

On the way there she stops at a store and buys a little nutcracker as a gift. But once she gets to her aunt’s place she discovers her aunt has a man-sized nutcracker already.

Some evil Christmas magic brings the big nutcracker to life. The general idea is that this nutcracker is supposed to protect the “sugar plum fairy” (aka: the main girl), but as this giant nutcracker turns more and more evil looking and does some pretty violent and gory killing, it doesn’t appear to just target her enemies. Even the most innocent people are taken out.

The biggest bummer for me was when the nice, hunky boyfriend of her bitchy cousin gets killed while walking around shirtless and in his undies in the nastiest scene in the film. Let’s just say this is the kill in which the nutcracker lives up to his name. Ouch.

In true supernatural slasher form, the main girl has to do some digging to figure out what brought the nutcracker to life and what can stop it. There’s cat and mouse chasing, plus there are body reveals.

I definitely had festive fun with this one.

STUFFINGS (2021)

This is one of those films that’s not unwatchable yet not really worth a watch.

I do like the general premise. An influencer couple that is having some relationship issues heads to a supposedly haunted forest to do a Christmas show.

The locals have some weird stuff going on. There’s a sinister “lottery” that forces the winners into a dark situation, and everyone displays creepy Santa “scarecrows” to keep away a freaky Santa Claus creature that needs a sacrifice…

We meet several weird characters, several people are killed off, and then the local crazies eventually come for the couple.

There are a few hints of quality horror sprinkled throughout the film, but this indie feels like it’s missing the little extra something needed to make an impression as a backwoods holiday slasher.

It’s also listed as a comedy, but the only thing that was kind of funny—but more like bizarre—is that the killer kind of looks like someone dressed as Santa and wearing a demented turkey head mask.

THE LEECH (2022)

The Leech is being labeled as a horror comedy. There’s definitely dark humor embedded in the depressing plot, but the only way this is horror is if you’re a religious nut who thinks it’s horrific for a priest to get drawn into sodomy, abortion, and murder.

Sigh.

A priest has a pathetic congregation…four parishioners to be exact. He hopes there will be a Christmas miracle at midnight mass on Christmas Eve.

Meanwhile, he offers a dirt bag loser a ride, then offers to let him sleep over, then ends up having the dude’s girlfriend move in.

As the troubled, uncouth couple begins to encroach on the priest’s personal space, he gets sucked into their godless sex lives, and the guilt of doing so starts to drive him mad.

Hey, at least there’s plenty of homoerotic stuff mixed in there.

As for horror…there seems to be a moment when the priest hears demonic voices, and like I said, there are some murders. However, I wouldn’t consider this a full-blown horror film.

CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS (2022)

This is a no-nonsense grindhouse throwback flick that does the job it needs to do—it  gives us a nonstop killer Santa experience.

Loaded with scenes drenched in Christmas lights, the film features a girl and her cute buddy (with really bad 80s hair even though it’s present day) hanging out on Christmas and having excessive, drunken, philosophical and 90s pop culture conversations.

This is really the only cringy part for me. These types of Tarantino conversations in movies are so over. As good as the actors may be in the rest of the film, they seem to struggle to get all the meta dialogue out and are never believable as adoring fans of what they’re discussing. And speaking of Tarantino inspiration, the constant F bombs make the script feel amateurish at times—almost like there was a lot of improvisation and the actors just defaulted to the F bomb when they couldn’t think of how else to compose quality dialogue on the spot.

You just have to let all that go, because Christmas Bloody Christmas delivers sex and violence once a mall “RoboSanta Plus” inexplicably takes on a life of its own and decides to kill anyone it comes across. It also seems to have Terminator’s determination to specifically hunt down our main girl.

It’s pure festive chaos, with a combination of a 70s-esque rock music soundtrack and an 80s synth-driven score.

Aside from the main cutie guy, who even expresses an appreciation of being pegged, there’s a hot daddy bear bartender with a fantastic beard who doesn’t get enough screen time.

While the movie is action and violence heavy, there are a few suspense scenes and jump scares. Personally, I liked the first half of the film better than the second half, which becomes a bit repetitive as our main girl is relentlessly chased by the RoboSanta.

WHOEVER SLEW AUNTIE ROO? (1972)

Teaming up again with the director of What’s the Matter with Helen?, Shelley Winters plays a rich widow with a dirty secret…she keeps the skeleton of her deceased daughter tucked away in a bedroom upstairs in her mansion.

She also holds séances to try to contact her daughter.

Meanwhile, she has a Christmas party for children from an orphanage and becomes enamored with a little girl who reminds her of her daughter. The girl and her brother are thrill-seekers, so they explore the house and find some freaky things.

And then…Shelley keeps the sister when all the other kids go home!

The brother, who is convinced Shelley is the witch from the story of Hansel & Gretel, decides to break into the house and save his sister before she can be cooked for New Year’s dinner.

Whimsical yet dark, this is like horror seen through a child’s eye. It’s relatively tame (Shelley isn’t all that frightening), but it is nice to see the dastardly little ending that doesn’t stray too far from the fairy tale that inspired the movie.

THE LAST SLAY RIDE (2022)

This holiday horror comedy feels like a student film about film students acting like film students with constant geek banter about movies and the art of movie-making. On top of that, while there are a few serviceable performances, most of them feel low budget indie quality, and the film suffers from awkward pauses between lines of dialogue that cause the flow to stutter constantly.

So what about the humor, horror, and holiday? There are very few laughs to be had, and the horror is minimal and just goofy. There is plenty of Christmas to go around, starting with a guy in a Santa suit terrorizing a film student who owes him money.

Meanwhile, that film student and his friends suddenly get some funding to make a movie. So we have to sit through an unfunny montage of people auditioning and then tedious sequences of them making a low budget camp slasher, which takes up a good portion of the running time.

Finally, the students are forced by the Santa to go to the house of the investors so he can collect his money. The house is full of people in Santa and elf suits.

They reveal they’re vampires (52 minutes in) , kicking off low energy chases around the house.

And yet…the lack of humor and horror still abound. I just wasn’t feeling this one at all.

RETURN OF KRAMPUS (aka: Krampus: The Return) (2022)

Despite the title, this is not a sequel to any Krampus movie. It’s a movie about Krampus coming back to terrorize a family it just won’t leave alone.

As far as Krampus looks go, this one is pretty freaky. What makes that a bummer is that the film is not all that great. It’s very slow with lots of talk.

Speaking of talking, the backstory concerning this family’s history with the mythical monster is summed up in a voice-over at the beginning of the film. Unfortunately, an ominous filter effect is applied to the narrator, so his dialogue is hard to understand. Do filmmakers not carefully watch their movies back to look for issues like this before releasing them to the public?

Anyway, I do like the dark tone. Following the death of her brother, a young woman comes home to deal with the aftermath, bringing a support group of loved ones with her. There’s lots of dialogue about her guilt, her brother, and the Krampus curse….

One couple is killed early on. The next kill is 60 minute into the film, which runs only 80 minutes long. That should tell you everything you need to know about the pacing.

Despite my disappointment overall, and the lack of holiday spirit (I guess that makes sense since her brother just died), the few kills are satisfying when the film finally goes into slasher mode in the last 20 minutes, complete with Krampus killing people with sharp weapons.

VIKINGS VS. KRAMPUS (2020)

It’s no secret I’m no fan of period pieces…and this one takes place in 812! I can’t even say that year without tripping over my syllables because there’s no “teen” in the number.

Sure it’s all about Krampus, but there’s not exactly Rockefeller Center excursions and sitting on Santa’s lap in 812. But the movie does take place on “Yule Day” in December.

The tale is basic. A royal family’s castle is overthrown by Vikings. The king of this castle wants it back, and some witches in the woods suggest conjuring Krampus.

He agrees, Krampus appears, and then a whole lot of battles take place in the woods.

Of course there’s a catch—Krampus’s service come with a price. So the remaining royals are also at odds with the creature in the end as he comes seeking payback.

Krampus looks cool in a sort of “awesome costume, dude!” way, but I really don’t care about a bunch of people in 812 getting into sword fights.

SEASON’S GREETING 2 (2019)

I covered the first Season’s Greetings here, and considering these are short film anthologies of short films, combining both parts would give you a full-length feature. Part 2 only runs 45 minutes long.

A dude in a Christmas sweater serves as the host, introducing each of the three tales.

1st story – this odd but unique Christmas tale is about a young woman picked to be the “Virgin Mary” in a sort of satanic ritual for the birth of the “new messiah”. It’s a cool plot but nothing frightening to see here.

2nd story – this is a fun stalker film in which a girl is terrorized by a crazy dude after passing up an invitation to come to her mother’s house. It includes a great under the bed moment, and the main girl makes the ending quick and satisfying.

3rd story – this is a good way to finish off the anthology, with friends gathering for a Christmas party then being chased around a house by a freaky killer elf.

PSYCHO SANTA (2003)

Psycho Santa finally showed up on streaming after almost two decades, and the reason why must be the release of the sequel I cover below! I always assumed Psycho Santa was a bad, super low budget flick since it was impossible to find anywhere, but overall I thought there were some cool ideas here. Unfortunately there’s too much filler and no onscreen killing!

The approach to telling the story feels like an anthology, but all the separate segments are connected because they all tie in to a killer Santa named Chris. A straight couple is on a road trip to enjoy some holiday festivities and the guy begins his tale(s):

1st story – girls at a cabin in the woods wonder where their other friend is. There’s a clever scene of one of the girls taking a walk by a lake, and we see there’s a car submerged in the water. However this tale is mostly filler, with what seems like a director fantasy shoot of the other girl with pierced tits and pierced, hairy pussy showering and then the two girls dancing in lingerie. There’s a good Tales from the Dark Side zinger ending, but any killing is left to our imagination and just mentioned by the guy in the wraparound!

2nd story – guys robbing a house find a secret room. There are growls and off screen kills! We do, however, get quick flashes of what happened during the return to the wraparound. Looks like some nasty good fun, with glimpses at the killer’s actual face. I just wish we would have gotten more than teases.

3rd story – this is the backstory, with a man relating how he locked up his killer son (wraparound story in a wraparound movie). The son escaped, dressed like Santa, and began his killing spree (with another off screen kill).

4th story – the Santa killer breaks into another house. There are more off screen kills and an overly long scene of a dying woman crawling to a phone jack on the wall to plug it back in.

5th story – two siblings go to get a Christmas tree and their car breaks down. There is loads of filler footage of them walking through the woods, and then some cat and mouse stuff.

In the end it’s believed the killer Santa dies in a burning cabin, but we know better thanks to the wraparound.

PSYCHO SANTA 2 (2021)

It’s shocking that a sequel was made nearly two decades later with a totally different director. The only thing interesting about this one is the concerted effort to connect it as cleanly as possible to the first film.

The narrative is all over the place, and the goofy low budget kill effects demonstrate why the maker of the first film perhaps chose to not show the kills at all.

The opener uses footage of the robber scene from the first movie, and then the film begins digging itself into a deeper and deeper hole of confusion. A dude comes home to find his roommate has raped and killed a girl. They fight (to the sounds of funny punch effects), and then Santa appears and kills the rapist.

For reasons I never understood, another guy receives a gruesome gift package on his doorstep.

The cops interrogate the roommate, who wasn’t killed by Santa. We learn his father was somehow the burned up Santa from the first movie.

The dude who received the head starts following Santa around to pad the film.

A couple of people are killed in lame death scenes while we begin to wonder if the roommate guy is the killer, if the Santa from the first film has come back, or if it’s just a figment of his imagination.

Finally, there’s a sudden, inexplicable flashback to the chase scene of the siblings from the first movie followed by a montage of all the kills from this movie, none of it serving as any kind of actual end to this film.

I don’t know who thought this poor sequel to a relatively unknown film was a good idea.

AXEMAS (2017) and AXEMAS 2 (2018)

These are just short films and run less than an hour long combined.

In the first film, a hunky dude working at a storage facility invites his friends to party overnight. No real character development…straight to the slashing Santa. Yay!

There’s a shirtless hottie, some good chases, a few traditional death scenes with sharp weapons, red horror lighting, and even some split screen.

For the sequel, the final girl returns and is suffering from PTSD. Unfortunately, someone is back for revenge, so she spends another night being pursued by Santa.

She’s not alone. A few more people are thrown into the mix to up the body count.

There’s also some humor in this installment, which ups the fun factor, as does the action during the chase scene.

The ending is an intriguing follow-up to the end of the first film and promises a third film.

KILLER CHRISTMAS ELVES (2021)

Running only 68 minutes long, this short film is festive, fun, and funny.

A little witchery causes the elf dolls in a toy shop to come to life.

Meanwhile, a father is welcoming his rebellious son into his house for the holidays hoping to repair their fractured relationship.

That bonding comes when the elves show up to cause murderous havoc!

There’s not much more to say about the plot. Father and son join forces with neighbors to save their community from these devilish dwarves. The father, who is both cute and funny, steals the show, as do the elves, which gave me the chuckles with the cut and paste way in which they’re presented on screen as they terrorize the townsfolk.

THE APOLOGY (2022)

I really can’t with Shudder anymore. When is this never-ending “curation” of trauma porn gonna stop? I wanna be scared not sad. This movie shouldn’t even be on a horror streaming service, and the only reason I’m covering it briefly is because it’s on the most significant horror streaming service out there.

It’s sort of a “thriller” that takes place at Christmas time, but there are few thrills and nothing beyond snow and Christmas lights to ring in the season.

This is the move in a nutshell. An alcoholic woman still grieves the disappearance of her daughter 20 years ago. Her ex-brother-in-law shows up at her door during a Christmas Eve snowstorm to tell her something that will finally give her closure…and also make her want revenge.

**SPOILER** This is a tale about rape, pedophilia, and incest. There’s some cat and mouse chasing and fights, both physical and verbal, but it simply never feels intense enough for this guy to seem like a real threat.

On the bright side, it’s refreshing to see Janeane Garofalo in a serious but small role as the neighbor.

There’s little in the way of satisfying revenge when all is said and done, and don’t expect suspense, scares, or blood.

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BOUGHT ON BLU: Lugosi and friends

It began with me buying one Bela Lugosi vampire film and one Ed Wood movie starring Lugosi, and that spiraled into me buying a 4-disc set of Universal films starring Lugosi and Boris Karloff…which led to me buying one of the last films in which Lugosi appears. I have a feeling one of these days I’m going to get the urge to own every horror movie Lugosi was ever in. Anyway, let’s take a dive into the black and white days of Bela!

MARK OF THE VAMPIRE (1935)

I simply had to own this one because, like Return of the Vampire, it’s another film in which Bela Lugosi appears in his classic Dracula form without actually playing Dracula. It runs only an hour long, and unfortunately I feel totally duped. Let’s just say this movie features the kind of surprise that eventually made a classic 1986 slasher go down in infamy.

A man is murdered and bite marks are found on his neck. The medical examiner believes the culprit is a vampire, but the inspector thinks that’s tomfoolery. And as in many of these old films, everyone just always seems to be hanging out in the house of the deceased for no apparent reason other than to save on sets.

Anyway, the murder victim’s daughter is soon targeted by Bela and his pretty vampire woman minion, and those scenes capture that classic gothic vampire vibe. The film even opens with a spooky cemetery scene, but overall it is just incredibly flat, and the twist only compounds the disappointment.

There are two interesting things to note that easily could have gotten this film some attention in the Queer for Fear documentary. First of all, this is credited as being the first film to deliver the cheap “cat scare”, and when it does, two men scream like girls and clutch each other like a couple of lovers. Second, Lugosi never lays a fang on the daughter character—it’s straight up girl-on-girl action, for each time she is attacked it’s Lugosi’s female minion doing the sucking while he watches. Vampire women really have always been lesbians, haven’t they?

THE BLACK CAT (1934)

A 65-minute flick that stars both Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff, this film features standard horror movie elements of the time but also feels ahead of its time.

A couple in Hungary shares a ride with a doctor played by Lugosi. They get into an accident, and he takes them to a “friend’s” house because the woman has been hurt.

The friend is Karloff, who plays an architect. Rather than the usual gothic haunted house you’d expect him to be living in, this one is very modern.

The story is odd. Lugosi is back from war and is looking for his wife and daughter. He believes Karloff has something to do with their disappearance. He’s also terrified of black cats and believes they take over the bodies of the deceased—which is a concerning theory once the woman from the car accident begins acting quite different when she awakens after being tended to.

It’s no surprise that there are dark secrets buried in Karloff’s home, and it involves keeping women preserved in glass cases and practicing Satanism. Awesome. There’s even a gruesome kill before the film is through–not visually presented, however, but it’s fun to see Bela and Boris doing some BDSM.

THE RAVEN (1935)

While The Black Cat used a Poe title with no real connection to the works of Poe, The Raven is basically an homage to Poe stories. This is the gothic horror you would expect from Bela and Boris together.

Lugosi is a surgeon obsessed with Poe. A judge’s daughter is badly injured in a car accident and he asks Lugosi to heal her.

Then Karloff comes to Lugosi asking him for surgery to change his appearance. I don’t know why, because he makes a hot bear.

Evil Lugosi decides to deform Karloff and promises to fix the mess he’s made if Karloff helps him abduct and torture the judge and his daughter in his Poe-inspired dungeon. Yippee!

Lugosi and Karloff give us just the kinds of performances we want from them, the Poe themed dungeon rules, and crazy Lugosi has a wicked way to abduct the daughter…her bedroom in his home is rigged to simply lower into the dungeon like an elevator. Amazing.

An interesting note about what very well may have been an intentional self-referential moment (if they even thought of things like that in those days): there’s a scene in The Black Cat in which Karloff plays creepy music on an organ in his home, and there’s a scene in The Raven in which Lugosi plays creepy music on an organ in his home!

THE INVISIBLE RAY (1936)

This odd movie is sort of a roundabout way to retell the Jekyll & Hyde story. Other than Lugosi looking suave with a goatee, I found both him and Karloff to be rather flat here.

It begins on a stormy night in a gothic house, which seemed like a good place to start. But it doesn’t hold onto that atmosphere.

Things turn sci-fi. Karloff has a lab and is doing experiments. He assembles a team to head to Africa to examine a crashed meteorite. As is common with early 1900s movies, Black people are relegated to the roles of native tribesmen, and they aren’t treated very humanely.

Karloff gets poisoned by the meteorite’s radiation, so Lugosi, who plays a doctor, creates an antidote Karloff must take regularly so he won’t go mad–or glow….

So much for that miracle of medicine. Karloff does start to go mad and plots to kill people…as well as to get revenge on his cheating wife.

That’s about it. There’s nothing particularly chilling or thrilling going on in this one.

BLACK FRIDAY (1940)

This one gets points for inspiring numerous movies over the years, but overall it feels more like a gangster film than a horror movie.

Karloff is a doctor who transplants a gangster’s brain into his friend when the friend is involved in a car accident.

The friend starts to act violent, but that doesn’t stop Karloff from taking him to New York, where the gangster hid a large sum of money. Karloff is hoping the friend with the gangster’s brain will remember where.

Instead, the friend is more interested in getting revenge on the gangster’s enemies. You would think that would lead to a juicy body count. Wishful thinking.

Lugosi has a minor role as a gangster and never interacts with Karloff.

This one is a total dud.

BRIDE OF THE MONSTER (1955)

When Bela Lugosi hopped aboard the Ed Wood train for a few of his last films, there was no telling they would become cult classics. Sure, Plan 9 From Outer Space is the more famous (and infamous) collaboration, but I personally think Bride of the Monster is the true classic.

I’m guessing the title was chosen to bring to mind Lugosi’s years doing Universal monster movies, and that just sucks, because this movie has nothing to do with Frankenstein’s bride, which is how it sounds.

One of the real monsters here is mad scientist Lugosi’s pet octopus! It’s awesome both when it’s stock footage of a real octopus and when it’s just an octopus model that actors are pretending to struggle with by wrapping its arms around their bodies. I wouldn’t be surprised if this film was an inspiration for the pet crocodile in Tobe Hooper’s Eaten Alive. Hell, there’s even a scene of a battle with an alligator or croc in this film!

The ominous horror music is spot on for the time, and there’s a rainstorm crashing around Lugosi’s creepy house throughout the film. As much as Ed Wood is known for being a horrible director, this film feels on par with many better-received flicks from the era.

Seems there have been disappearances in the area around Lugosi’s house, and a female reporter is convinced that some sort of monster is killing people in the wilderness. She decides to explore the area and is captured by Lugosi’s big goon assistant. Lugosi then uses his classic eye hypnosis to keep her asleep while he plots to make her the “bride of the atom”. Say what?

See, Lugosi intends to convert humans into atomic super humans to take over the world. I guess he needs a bride so he’ll only have to make two atomic super humans and then they can just procreate and have atomic super babies? Who knows.

A detective, a Loch Ness Monster expert, and some others head to Lugosi’s house as well to see what’s up, and sooner or later everyone either ends of up octopus food or a potential lab rat.

Considering the questionable sexual orientation and gender identity of Ed Woods, it’s interesting to note that when the detective/hero battles with Lugosi’s big goon assistant, the big goon tears his shirt off and the detective spends the rest of the time running around shirtless and wet in the rain. Delicious objectifying of the male body for a flick from the fifties.

One of the other major highlights is the way in which the detective puts a stop to Lugosi once and for all.

THE BLACK SLEEP (1956)

This film was pretty edgy for its time, and yet it’s still kind of slow until about the last 15 minutes.

A surgeon breaks a doctor friend accused of murder out of prison by slipping him a drug he created that makes a person appear to be dead. The surgeon claims “the body” and brings the doctor to his home lab and asks him to be his assistant. 

The surgeon is doing brain surgery experiments on what the doctor at first thinks are dead bodies. Nope. The surgeon is using live people and messing with their minds in the process. Eek! There’s even a surprisingly graphic scene of an exposed brain considering this is 1956.

Turns out those who have been mentally and physically marred are being held captive in a basement dungeon.

It’s pretty good payoff when the doctor and his lady friend discover all the deformed people, and these monstrous patients end up going on a psychotic rampage for the last few minutes of the film. If this movie were made today, the freaks would be pursuing them for at least half the movie and both torturing and killing them.

Lon Chaney Jr. plays one of the brain surgery victims that has gone mad, and Bela Lugosi has a blink and you’ll miss him role as a mute butler.

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BOUGHT ON BLU: three from the 90s

One feels like an end of the 80s slasher, the other two are silly sexploitation horror comedies. Are they as fun as they should be?

DEAD GIRLS (1990)

Dead Girls is so totally 80s it gets five stars for nostalgia alone. Hair band hair galore, leather jackets, boomboxes and cassettes, acid wash jeans, chest hair…I longed for my teen years as I watched this low budget slasher.

There is, however, one major flaw; it runs too long. There was no need for this to be 105 minutes long. Other than that it throws in everything it could that screams 80s horror, beginning with kids doing a satanic ritual.

Next we meet the Dead Girls, a rock band that shockingly doesn’t get one song performance scene at all. The main girl has a combination of psychic dreams and nightmares that lead to her running home to her estranged sister, who has fallen ill.

For whatever reason, the main girl decides she and the band need to drag the sick sister to a cabin in the woods. Unfortunately, it takes forever to get to that part (if only all the filler had been edited down).

Anyway, once at the cabin, the main girl’s dreams persist and she gets visions of her band members as they’re killed off by someone in a black coat, skull mask, and black fedora. It’s interesting to note that virtually the same look would be used a year later in the 1991 slasher Scary Movie.

Dead Girls offers up basic slasher tropes, with heavy breathing, killer POV, scantily clad victims, a creepy local dude skulking in the shadows, cheesy good gore…and some surprisingly effective atmosphere and music to set the tone for the “scary” scenes. And the 80s boys are hot.

However, there’s a laughable element—a yellow envelope is the killer’s calling card.

The envelopes seem to predict the ways in which the kids will be killed. When the kids are not accusing each other of leaving them lying around, the killer is shoving them in victims’ faces (what’s the point of giving victims an envelope with pertinent information inside when you kill them before they can open it?). Meanwhile, the last few minutes of this film has so many red herring and twists that it feels like everyone is the killer.

Dead Girls is a treasure as a lost slasher I’ve never seen before, and that includes the fact that it’s an absolute mess (as the best direct-to-video slashers of the 80s always were).

THE INVISIBLE MANIAC (1990)

What can I say? It’s Zapped! with murders (and thankfully without douchebag Scott Baio).

A geeky child is verbally abused by his wicked mother for being a pervert that peeps naked girls with his telescope.

When he grows up and becomes a scientist, he creates an invisibility serum that fails to deliver during a demonstration in front of his peers. So he loses his shit and murders them.

He then breaks out of a mental institution and comes back with a new identity as a teacher. He perfects his serum then goes around ripping off the blouses of female students before murdering them.

It’s silly, sexually exploitative, campy, and only occasionally funny, but there are a few pretty violent deaths. I had the most fun whenever the killer beat up boys in tight 80s pants with the actors attempting to do their best mimed battles against the “invisible maniac”.

Even so, make no mistake—this movie is all about showing as many tits as possible.

WITCH ACADEMY (1995)

This is just a silly sexploitation comedy from Fred Olen Ray about a bunch of S&M sorority sisters that have to contend with the devil as he hunts for a bride.

Scream queen Michelle Bauer and a bunch of other babes show off their tits and spank each other before hazing a geeky girl and leaving her tied up in the basement.

Veteran actor Robert Vaughn, looking for a paycheck, plays the devil, who makes the geek girl into a bombshell minion and also turns her into a rubber costume monster to attack people.

The humor in this weak script is occasionally funny, and it is at its best when Priscilla Barnes of Three’s Company shows up briefly.

Too briefly. She easily could have stolen the show with her campy performance, but her presence wasn’t taken advantage of.

There are some funny, goofy monster moments, but they can’t save this cheap film, which is solely watchable for the nostalgia of living through the direct-to-video indies of the VHS era.

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