TUBI TERROR: attending a Halloween party while Black

Somehow I found four movies on Tubi that revolve around Black people going to a Halloween party, so I simply had to do a marathon and follow it up with a post. A majority of these are strictly comedies, not horror films, so let’s see if there were laughs or scare to be found.

STABBED (2023)

This 40-minute slasher takes place specifically in Jacksonville, Florida. I don’t see why there was even a need to flash that on the screen, but there you have it.

A group of friends gathers for Halloween, and for the first 20 minutes they just sit and talk (the script writer didn’t seem to have the motivation to write interesting dialogue or develop characters). A variety of people come to the door–an over age trick or treater, a pizza delivery person, a redneck neighbor. I guess they’re supposed to be red herring…

Once the killing starts in the final 20 minutes, the filmmakers show a knack for creating classic slasher vibes, including the music, the lighting, the editing, the masked killer, jump scares, and the brutally violent stabbings.

The funniest part of all this is that they’ve clearly used a Darth Vader breathing sample as that of the killer.

The downside of all this? We never learn who the killer is.

POOR HERMAN (2022)

In this 64-minute flick, four female friends of mixed races are walking to a Halloween party while arguing about oversensitivity, whiteness vs. blackness, and pop culture. For no apparent reason they sneak into a random house to use the bathroom.

Unfortunately, a big guy with a burned face and wearing overalls starts chasing them down to kill them. He’s kind of sexy.

Blue lighting sets the horror mood, but the girls bring a comedic edge to the action.

Meanwhile, there are also flashback scenes interspersed that show us how and why the killer became who he is, and it’s a pretty classic slasher trope.

The kills are just okay, but the music score and the ominous presence of the killer definitely give it that horror tone we would hope for. And the final few minutes are quite satisfying.

HALLOWEEN KICKBACK (2021)

This is a straight up Halloween comedy written by, directed by, and starring Nelson J. Davis.

He and his two friends are all college grads down on their luck and living mostly at home. They’re also all very cute.

Anyway, when one of them is asked to house sit, they see an opportunity to make money by throwing a Halloween party and charging at the door.

What unfolds is a comedy reminiscent of the days of movies like House Party and Barbershop. Thing is, there isn’t much in the way of plot. It’s more like little vignettes of minor situations and conversations happening at the house party with nothing to push a story forward.

Some of the humor is funny, and the actors handle the comedy with ease, but there just isn’t enough of it (or enough plot) to support even the short, 70-minute run time. Also, while there are continuous flashing lights in haunting colors, there are no Halloween decorations around the house and very little effort put into the costumes guests are wearing. The most Halloween spirit comes from a nosy neighbor’s house, where a horror movie marathon is playing on the television.

And speaking of guests, it seems like they didn’t have money for even extras, so aside from the main cast, we only ever see numerous clips of the same people dancing–but only from their bellies to their knees! There’s also one girl in a G-sting twerking with her ass in the camera every time there’s a shot of the people dancing.

Speaking of asses, we do get to see one of the cuties naked from the back when he has to change his clothes after getting puked on.

This is a perfect example of unseasoned writing. There’s the start of a funny thread in the movie with this guy getting puked on and having to change more than once. But…it’s only twice. This could have been a running joke that eventually had a punch line–like maybe his friends thinking he was scoring left and right because he was always running around naked or something–but the script just felt too underdeveloped to see the opportunities that were waiting to be expanded upon.

The highlight for me is that for once a filmmaker figured out how to make text messages easy to read for aging eyes like mine. Instead of those damn little bubbles popping up in one corner of the screen, the texts are ghosted over the shots of the people texting. Brilliant.

THE MICROCHIP THAT RUINED HALLOWEEN (2023)

If you’re going to call your movie The Microchip That Ruined Halloween, you need to actually deliver on the quirkiness of the title. This movie feels like a weak attempt by a college theater group to make a comedy…with a mostly Black cast…that struggles to land any jokes, fails to deliver any semblance of Black comic sensibilities, doesn’t ruin Halloween, and makes Halloween night a virtual afterthought.

There’s a plan to implant a microchip in a prison inmate to rehab him instantly so he can be released into society. Just getting to the point when the chip is implanted drags on for over half an hour.

Meanwhile, at a university the faculty is planning for a Halloween party and staging a performance of Macbeth. The criminal with the chip is brought in as a student to play Macbeth.

With all this going on, somehow nothing goes on. This movie just limps along. How do you write a movie about a criminal forced into a social setting at Halloween time and not indulge in the concept?

With 20 minutes left, the Halloween party starts.

With 15 minutes left, the criminal jailbreaks the chip and busts into the party with an axe…then immediately passes out. When he wakes up, the chip has done its job and he’s all better.

The end.

WTF? Seriously.

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BOUGHT ON DISC: aliens, a killer baby, and a Fulci flick

It’s a look at three of the latest movies I’ve added to my collection, including 2 Blu-rays and a 4k UHD.

BABY BLOOD (1990)

If you’re looking for a bloody, sleazy good time, this French evil baby flick puts all other evil baby flicks that came before it to shame. The plot point that triggers the action also reminded me of Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive, which came a few years later.

An African jaguar is sent to a circus, where we meet the abusive owner and his woman, who performs in the show.

Before long, the jaguar explodes! We don’t see it happen, but we see the aftermath in a cage. For unexplained reasons other than the notion that deadly viruses, diseases, and parasites always come from other countries, a black snake thing slithers away and finds its way into the female performer while she’s sleeping.

She discovers she’s pregnant, she flees her abusive man, and soon the baby that’s inside her talks to her and demands that she kill people then drink their blood to feed it.

There’s not much more to it than that. She hides out in the urban jungle, she uses her sex appeal to lure men, and then she kills them and sucks a different fluid from them than the one they were hoping for.

There are some great gory scenes, including a wild dream scene of her giving birth, but the killing does become somewhat repetitive.

The most interesting encounter she has with a man involves him giddily talking about gay and transsexual stuff.

Things pick back up at the end when we’re treated to a journey through her body, and then she finally gives birth to the baby, which looks normal at first, but reveals its real monstrous look when its mother is once again at the mercy of toxic masculinity.

LORDS OF THE DEEP (1989)

Of course Roger Corman got in on the underwater creature craze from the end of the 80s with his special brand of b-movie production. Lords of the Deep is a fairly cookie cutter take on the subgenre, with the bonus of having Priscilla Barnes as the leading lady.

Timely (at the time), this is a story of an underwater facility trying to figure out a way for life to go on following the destruction of the ozone layer.

A research sub goes off the grid, so a rescue sub is sent out to find it. The sub is found empty, but creatures attack and the life form ends up infiltrating the facility.

Thing is that the life form looks like a cute stingray with cartoon eyes. Even so, it escapes its tank where the crew is keeping it captive, and the hunt to find it is on.

Meanwhile, Priscilla seems to have a telepathic connection with the creature.

Bradford Dillman, who plays the leader of the crew, doesn’t want the scientists exposing themselves to the creature and therefore works against them.

The proceeding are entertaining enough and definitely provide that nostalgic feel for those missing this time period, but there’s nothing much in the way of monstrous or horrific here—we definitely needed more underwater alien action.

It is fun to note that there’s one scene in which Priscilla Barnes is kissing a guy she’s involved with and two other guys call the public display of affection disgusting while walking by arm in arm. Gay humor or gay characters? You decide.

THE PSYCHIC (1977)

Considering it begins with close-ups of a woman’s face scrapping against a mountainside as she jumps off a cliff, you wouldn’t expect The Psychic to be a tame Lucio Fulci film, but it is after that satisfying scene. The new 4k release doesn’t do the opening gore any favors…the classic hokey Euro style effects are fully exposed in ultra HD glory.

This being a 1977 film, we are then hit by a cheesy 70s ballad during the opening credits.

Sort of a parapsychology giallo, this is the story of a woman who has premonitions, played by Jennifer O’Neill.

She comes to live with her husband in his new home and is bombarded by visions that lead her to tear down a wall with a pickaxe to discover a skeleton behind it.

Jennifer is soon convinced it was murder and spends the rest of the movie investigating, having more visions, and seeing those visions slowly become reality.

It gets a bit repetitive (a side effect of having visions of things before they happen…), but there’s a good chase scene near the end and a nod to a famous Edgar Allan Poe story.

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Holiday horror anthologies with “Tales” in the title

This foursome of flicks covers both Christmas and Halloween, and each earns a spot on the holiday horror page. Let’s take a look at what you can expect.

ALTER Collection: Holiday Horror (2021)

This is simply a 52-minute collection of five tales that take place during the Christmas season. My absolute favorite is the first episode.

Episode 1

A couple is preparing for the holidays when an old friends drops by and leaves them a package that proves to have something freaky inside. Eek!

Episode 2

A sadistic satire in which the government puts homeless people to work by morphing them into Santa Claus just for the holidays then setting them out onto the street again.

Episode 3

A husband presents Christmas Eve as a perfect night for his family when actually it’s going to end in tragedy. This one has a clever plot.

Episode 4

When a woman and a man go home for some sex following a blind date, it turns into a Merry Axe-mas when it turns out it’s a house of horrors. This is a goodie with a fun twist.

Episode 5

This odd short is like the final scene of a killer Santa slasher, when the survivors have to make sure the killer is really dead. I think it’s supposed to be making a statement on why a female has to be the final survivor.

TALES FROM THE OTHER SIDE (2022)

The wraparound steals the show in this anthology and is the only part that takes place on Halloween. Three kids trick or treat at the house of an alleged witch, and she invites them in for some scary stories…

1st story – at a garage sale, a woman tells girls about a “petrified man” that worked for the circus. A tame zinger ending doesn’t save this bland tale.

2nd story – a filmmaker comes for a job at a cemetery. If I’m understanding this right, it seems some footage he edits is a portal to death and brings forth a grim reaper.

3rd story – a couple steals a crystal ball from a male fortune teller who seems to then haunt their house. This one is creepy, but it has a kind of confusing twist and way too many loud orchestral stabs to force jump scares.

4th story – a guy who killed his wife and kids now says he hears God and was being tested, which he learns isn’t quite accurate after giving a big sermon. This “story” just goes nowhere.

5th story – a woman hooks up with an artist, but she has ulterior motives. This one has a fiendish, Tales from the Crypt feel to it.

6th story – a holiday crossover? This Halloween wraparound anthology ends with a Christmas horror story about Krampus fighting an elf. Sadly, it’s just an array of still shots set to an audio track. Bummer.

The wraparound is the highlight because the witch totally rox.

VAMPUS HORROR TALES (2020)

This black and white Spanish film only flirts with Halloween during the wraparound, which happens to be the most entertaining part.

A cemetery caretaker/gravedigger is up to all kinds of macabre tricks on Halloween night.

Sadly we don’t just to get to watch him and his ghoulish existence.

Instead he tells four stories…

  • a bride becomes trapped with the best man right before her wedding…and he’ll do anything to make sure she ends up with him till death do them part. This one is just endless dialogue with very little payoff.

  • a lesbian couple goes on a date to a carnival, and there’s a killer in the tunnel of terror. I’m making it sound better than it is.

  • a man brings a blind woman to a cabin in the woods claiming they are going to be with other friends. But pretty soon she suspects he’s taking advantage of her blindness to deceive her. Not much suspense here, but the concept is okay.

  • a man’s wife becomes a vampire during a pandemic and he has to keep her locked away. Like all the stories in this anthology, it’s a generally interesting and moody tale that simply lacks any horror oomph.

TALES FROM ALL HALLOWS EVE (2007)

This feels like a very home-brewed indie, and once again, only the wraparound takes place on Halloween. And for the most part, the stories aren’t horror stories, just dark tales.

Friends gather to tell stories at a Halloween party in what looks like the living room of someone who worked on the movie.

1st story – this is seriously a tale about an ammosexual being hunted by a sniper in the woods. The best part is the twist ending.

2nd story – a girl seeks revenge when she discovers her boyfriend is cheating on her. Again, not much horror, but an old school anthology tale twist.

3rd story – while it’s the only genuine horror story and focuses on vampires, it’s not a very compelling tale.

The wraparound tries to give us another shocker twist. I wasn’t shocked.

 

 

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Do the masters of horror deliver with this horror anthology series?

When I recently revisited my DVDs of the sister series Fear Itself, which also featured episodes by veteran horror directors, I really didn’t remember any of the stories, but going through my Masters of Horror discs was a different story. These came back to me as if I’d just seen them yesterday. So let’s get into all the episodes from both seasons.

SEASON 1

Episode 1 – Incident On And Off A Mountain Road
Director: Don Coscarelli
Stars – Angus Scrimm

While on a dark road alone at night, a woman crashes and sees a monstrous man dragging a body into the woods. He then abducts her, and she must use survival skills taught to her by her husband to escape. The monster man and his lair are just awesome in this episode.

Episode 2 – Dreams in the Witch-House
Director: Stuart Gordon
Stars – Ezra Godden (from Stuart Gordon’s Dagon)

A grad student rents an apartment to work on his thesis and is then terrorized by a witch. This is pure witchy nightmare goodness.

Episode 3 – Dance of the Dead
Director: Tobe Hooper
Stars – Robert Englund

This is a story of a dystopian, future society in which a teen girl gets involved with the wrong crowd. When she sneaks into a club where the host brings the dead back to life to dance, she makes a heinous discovery. Englund and his zombie dancers are definitely the highlight of this episode, as is the dark commentary on humanity.

Episode 4 – Jenifer
Director: Dario Argento
Stars – Steven Weber

A detective saves a horribly disfigured woman from being murdered and brings her home to care for her. Soon he is being seduced by her…and then begins to realize that despite seeming like a wounded, lost soul, she’s a vicious flesh eater. This episode is a total mind fuck, and two of the most sexual and gruesome moments were cut from the episode. You can see them in the bonus documentary on the DVD. And be warned–there’s a grisly scene involving a cat, and another with a young girl. Argento doesn’t give a fuck.

Episode 5 – Chocolate
Director: Mick Garris
Stars – Henry Thomas

A man who works for a flavor creating company tries a chocolate that opens a communication channel between him and a woman. He can see what she’s seeing and soon finds himself in an Eyes of Laura Mars situation. This leads to murder…as well as some gender-bending queer aspects!

Episode 6 – Homecoming
Director: Joe Dante
Stars – Thea Gill (of Queer as Folk)

This is an over-the-top political satire from the Bush Jr. years, when many were enraged that he sent so many young Americans to die in a war of his making. When a member of the Republican Party wishes for a dead soldier to come back from the dead, it creates a domino effect that leads to a whole bunch of zombies that want to cast their vote in the next election. It’s eerily prophetic in how it deals with the right wing stealing elections.

Episode 7 – Deer Woman
Director: John Landis
Stars – Brian Benben

A detective investigates when men are being killed on the side of the road while sexually aroused, even though the deaths look like animal attacks. In familiar Landis style, there’s a comedic tone to the story as the detective plays out various scenarios in his mind of how the men are being killed. Also, the plot details are steeped in Native American folklore.

Episode 8 – Cigarette Burns
Director: John Carpenter
Stars – Norman Reedus, Udo Kier

A movie theater owner facing hard times accepts a job finding a lost horror film believed to be cursed. During its only viewing before being destroyed, it turned viewers into crazed killers. Horror highlights of this episode include one of the stars of the film chained up and looking freaky, and a shirtless hunk in leather hacking off a woman’s head with a machete.

Episode 9 – The Fair Haired Child
Director: William Malone
Stars – Lori Petty

A young woman is abducted by a couple and locked in a basement with a young mute man. As she tries to find a way to escape, the mute man reveals to her why she’s not the first person they abducted and won’t be the last.

Episode 10 – Sick Girl
Director: Lucky McKee
Stars – Angela Bettis

A lesbian etymologist is way too cozy with her insects and can’t get close to any women as a result. When she acquires a mysterious bug from Brazil, it really creeps its way into a blossoming relationship with a new girl. This is as ooey-gooey gross as a bug story gets, and Bettis, who also starred in Lucky McKee’s May, plays her usual horror weirdo role. We get a giant bug transformation at the end, and that’s just awesome.

Episode 11 – Pick Me Up
Director: Larry Cohen
Stars – Fairuza Balk, Michael Moriarty

When a bus breaks down on a deserted road, the passengers soon discover there are two different psycho killers on the loose. This is a fresh take on the old country road trip horror subgenre, and it’s worth it for the zany final act.

Episode 12 – Haeckel’s Tale
Director: John McNaughton

This tale tells of a godless medical student in the 1800s who wants to resurrect the dead. There’s a scene of a man bringing a dog back to life only to kill it immediately because it returned Pet Sematary style. As much as I’m not a fan of period pieces, the final act is deliciously macabre and sexual.

Episode 13 – Imprint
Director: Takashi Miike
Stars – Billy Drago

If M. Butterfly were torture porn, this would be it. An American who left the prostitute he loved in Japan years before comes back looking for her and learns of her horrific treatment once he was gone. The torture is heinous, and there are also disturbing birthing, abortion, and fetal scenes, plus extreme violence towards women.

SEASON 2

Episode 1 – The Damned Thing
Director: Tobe Hooper
Stars – Sean Patrick Flanery, Ted Raimi, Brendan Fletcher

A small town sheriff believes an evil force that compelled his father to kill his mother in 1981 is trying to destroy his town. A fairly cliche tale, it does add a big creature element to a basic The Crazies concept. I also noticed several similarities to Hooper’s work on Poltergeist.

Episode 2 – Family
Director: John Landis
Stars – George Wendt

A middle-aged dude on a suburban street is actually killing people and using their bodies to create his own family. When a young straight couple moves in across the street, he decides he must add the woman to his growing family.

Episode 3 – The V Word
Director: Ernest R. Dickerson
Stars – Michael Ironside

Two friends playing the Doom video game decide to sneak into a funeral home for some scary fun. They’re horrified when they find…dead bodies. Then they encounter a vampire. And the only other thing I’ll say about this one is…how can you go wrong with Michael Ironside as a vampire terrorizing two teenagers?

Episode 4 – Sounds Like
Director: Brad Anderson

A phone service worker is grieving the death of his son and has a wife with a long term illness. He also has an exaggerate sense of hearing and can’t shut it off. As a result, sound starts driving him mad. This episode is dullsville.

Episode 5 – Pro-Life
Director: John Carpenter
Stars – Emmanuelle Vaugier, Ron Perlman

Carpenter dares to go for the abortion issue. What’s masterful about it is that the side you think this episode takes on the subject will most likely be determined by the side you take on the subject. A young woman is brought to a clinic and wants her baby removed. Her religious nut father and his goons come to get her out. There’s plenty of gore, a creature crawling out of the pregnant girl, and even a kick ass, satanic demon breaking up through the floor.

Episode 6 – Pelts
Director: Dario Argento
Stars – Meat Loaf, John Saxon

Meat Loaf plays a sleazy dude who runs a fur making sweatshop and obsessively harasses a stripper to have sex with him. When he gets his hands on some mesmerizing raccoons caught on a witchy old lady’s land, he thinks making them into a fur coat will score him the stripper. But these are no ordinary raccoons. This is one bloody episode, and features animal abuse and mutilation.

Episode 7 – The Screwfly Solution
Director: Joe Dante
Stars – Jason Priestley, Elliott Gould

This is a very major commentary on environment, religion, toxic masculinity, and the treatment of females in society. An experimental solution to a fly problem using cropdusting to interrupt the male procreation ability causes an outbreak of men violently brutalizing and killing women. This one goes off the rails at the end.

Episode 8 – Valerie On The Stairs
Director: Mick Garris
Stars – Christopher Lloyd, Tony Todd

An aspiring horror author takes a room in a boardinghouse. He’s haunted by a female ghost who asks him for help because a male entity is terrorizing her. Tony Todd is the highlight as the beastly male, and the story involves the idea of creativity manifesting into reality.

Episode 9 – Right to Die
Director: Rob Schmidt
Stars – Corbin Bernsen, Robin Sydney

A husband and wife have a car accident and she is set on fire. She ends up in a coma, and he is forced to decide whether or not to keep her on life support. In the meantime, she begins haunting him…as a very crispy ghost.

Episode 10 – We All Scream for Ice Cream
Director: Tom Holland
Stars – Lee Tergesen

As children, a group of friends played a prank on the ice cream man, which ended in tragedy. Now the ice cream man is back for vengeance. This one has a great 1980s Stephen King meets Steven Spielberg vibe to it.

Episode 11 – The Black Cat
Director: Stuart Gordon
Stars – Jeffrey Combs

Edgar Allan Poe is an alcoholic with writer’s block, and his wife’s cat hates him. When she becomes very ill, it’s a battle between him and the cat. This has disturbing animal abuse in it, so despite loving Gordon, Combs, and Poe, I found this episode hard to watch.

Episode 12 – The Washingtonians
Director: Peter Medak
Stars: Johnathon Schaech

A man, his wife, and their daughter come to the home of his deceased grandmother. He finds a note behind a painting of George Washington that claims the president was a cannibal. It turns out there’s a society that protects the President’s secret. While there’s some nice gore, this is a pretty hokey episode.

Episode 13 – Dream Cruise
Director: Norton Tsuruta
Stars – Ryo Ishibashi

This episode is notable for having a full-length feature version included on the DVD, running 87 minutes long compared to the aired 57-minute episode.

A man is still haunted by the drowning death of his brother when he was a child. Literally haunted. By the ghost of his brother. This proves to be problematic when he goes on a client’s boat for business purposes. It’s reminiscent of The Ring movies and The Grudge movies…and happens to be from the director of Ringu 0. Is there killer hair? You bet there is. On the high seas no less, making this like some nightmarish Jaws/Sadako mashup.

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Beware all Blacks, gays, and porn stars!

It’s a trio of flicks with killers on the loose. Wahoo! Let’s get right into them.

HAUNTED TRAIL (2021)

A Black Halloween haunted attraction movie directed by Robin Givens? I was so in.

As our group of friends prepares to head to a haunted trail in the woods, they reference having Halloween spirit, but there’s no effort to bring that spirit to the locations where they’re getting ready. All the fun atmosphere is saved for when they reach their destination.

As haunted attraction movies go, this one delivers on the vibe, with lots of footage of the action, plenty of red light and fog machines, and fleeting glimpses of the masked killer in the background.

What is notable is the unique camera work and editing, which is at times effective and at other times chaotic and raucous.

Either way, it does add interest to otherwise routine proceedings.

The hardest part to buy as the friends are killed off one by one and then try to race through the attraction to get out alive is that they keep encountering the haunters that work there, yet they run around and past them screaming instead of just stopping and telling them there is a real killer on the loose. Of course chances are no one would believe them…

There are some clever and effective suspense scenes, plus a “The Haunted Trail” theme song during the closing credits, but I did find the denouement to be somewhat of a letdown. But really…who cares? There’s a masked killer and deaths. What more could you ask for?

THE LATENT IMAGE (2022)

This gay thriller from the director of Sleepaway Slasher began as a short, 20-minute film, which is included on the DVD as an extra. Since I felt a little bewildered by all the content added to draw the story out for another 70 minutes, I also watched the short, which is a more streamlined experience.

Generally, I really liked the plot. It’s a familiar tale of a writer holing up at a cabin in the woods alone to focus on his writing and then finding his own imagination coming to life when a man shows up claiming his car broke down.

I guess you would call this an erotic psychological thriller, because it definitely attempts to play with your mind. However, it does so by bombarding us with dream sequences, manifestations of the author’s story as he’s writing, and his own fantasies about what might transpire between him and the stranger.

There are some excellent sexual encounters and suspense scenes, but as we try to make sense of it all, again and again we are presented with the fact that most of the situations aren’t really unfolding.

So does the stranger mean danger or is he just a guy in a pinch who is interested in helping the author act out his ideas for his new novel?

The tension is both sensual and unnerving as they become physically more aggressive with each other while playing out scenarios for the book, and the final act definitely ramps up the suspense, but until the bitter end, you’re never really sure if any of it is actually happening or all in the writer’s mind.

MASK OF THE DEVIL (2022)

I’m always up for a horror movie that takes place on the set of a porno.

But first, white men do some stupid shit in the 1800s and go against the warnings of a tribe doing a ritual with a mask. Pretty soon, someone possessed by the mask is hacking white guys up left and right. That’s how you start a horror movie.

In modern times, a naive young girl who needs a job so she can move out of her parents’ house takes a job as a “fluffer” on a film set.

She quickly discovers what kind of film it is as the dildos fly. Sexual humor ensues, some of it chuckle-worthy. But also, much of it just doesn’t hit the mark enough to keep the momentum of the horror comedy aspect.

The film begins to drag until about 45 minutes in when people on the set begin coming in contact with one particular prop…a mask. Uh-oh.

Once someone slips the mask on and becomes possessed the tone totally changes, and this turns into a fast-paced, old school suspenseful slasher with plenty of kills (much of the gore is CGI). It’s definitely worth sticking with this one to get to the final act for some slasher thrills.

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STREAM QUEEN: killer kids, aliens, and a slasher

It’s a trio of 2023 films that came from Prime, Hulu, and Netflix, and in every case it feels like we’ve been here before. But does that mean they weren’t fun? Let’s find out.

THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE CHILDREN (2023)

When a movie opens with “More” by The Sisters of Mercy during the intro credits, it definitely catches my interest.

I went into this one mostly blind beyond knowing that many thought it was a rip-off of Here Comes the Devil. While it gets a lot of hate online, I thought it was an engrossing and tense flick.

2 straight couples are staying at a cabin in the woods. One couple has two kids. After the group explores a derelict building, the kids sneak off and go back in. When they return, they are acting odd. But only the guy without kids seems to notice, and they begin terrorizing and taunting him.

I’ve seen more than one comment online about the kids’ acting being really bad, yet I personally thought they were good…they started off acting like kids, and then began acting bad kids.

The suspense grows as the guy tries to convince his woman that the kids are no longer themselves, and then the terror takes hold as an intense cat and mouse kicks off in the cabin at night. Yikes!

Although this is mostly just a popcorn film, there is some nice little commentary on childless couples vs. couples with children, how parents act quite privileged and think the world owes them something for having children, and of course…that children are little monsters.

Speaking of little monsters, I’m convinced the filmmakers originally intended for a reveal in which the kids have morphed into some sort of giant bugs, but then decided it would be too expensive to create…despite already showing us two different shadows of the kids looking like praying mantises while a buggy sound plays in the background.

Perhaps that plot element will be explored in a sequel, considering this movie’s final frame definitely leaves room for one.

WAR OF THE WORLDS: THE ATTACK (2023)

This is an 80s-esque War of the Worlds lite film in which three teens ride around on their bicycles escaping the classic, spider-like aliens…which are referred to as Martians. How cute.

The production is pretty impressive, with the large aliens vs. military battles looking quite cinematic and grandiose.

However, the film gets mostly into a cycle of the kids running from the war so as not to be incinerated by alien lasers, chilling at a new location for a while and meeting new survivors, and then having to pick up and run off again due to another Martian threat.

A few iconic War of the Worlds moments are recreated (like the tentacle coming into the house in search of humans), and there’s a whole commentary on sin and religion when the kids encounter a doomsday priest, but in the end the film feels very simplistic and tidy.

KILLER BOOK CLUB (2023)

This Spanish slasher should be watched purely for the familiarity fix. Don’t expect anything new—just a good scratch of your itch for cookie cutter slashers.

It’s I Know What You Did Last Summer meets Scream 2 as kids at a very modern looking university campus are stalked by a killer in a mask while talking out their deathly dilemma through massive amounts of meta horror knowledge.

As an author, what I like most about this slasher is that it often takes place in the school library, and the focus is not on horror movies as much as it is on horror fiction.

In fact, the killer, who knows what the main students did—not last summer but like two days ago—sends them chapters of a book that describe what is going to happen next in the horror story that is their lives. Awesome.

The kills are sleek and violent and there are some good chase scenes, and that’s what you need to cling to, because you’ve seen it all before. There’s even a meta moment in the final frame, which promises a sequel.

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Two Halloween horrors for the 2023 season

I liked one better than the other, but they both got me itching for October and earn spots on the complete holiday horror page.

COBWEB (2023)

This Halloween season movie is like Lady in White, Parents, The Ring, and Barbarian all rolled into one.

Always awesome Lizzy Caplan (who portrayed Annie Wilkes in Castle Rock) and hunky Homelander from The Boys play an odd couple that seems to know more than they’re letting on when their young son starts hearing sounds in his bedroom wall.

Bullied in school, the son befriends his new teacher, a young woman who becomes concerned that he is experiencing some sort of abuse at home.

Loaded with holiday spirit and a few notable nods to the original Halloween (whether intended or not), this suspenseful fright fest takes us for a thrill ride thanks to intense performances and fantastic camerawork that establishes an eerie tone.

Best of all, the plot seems to go off in new directions several times (which does leave some unanswered questions in the end), leading up to a Halloween night house of horrors as the young boy finally finds out what is behind the walls. Eek!

This will be an insta-buy for me when it hits Blu-ray.

1962 HALLOWEEN MASSACRE (2023)

Apparently this movie is based on an urban legend that was born on the internet—a pretty good urban legend. The movie tries its best to draw that tale into a Halloween slasher, but it only really picks up steam in the final 20 minutes.

The original tale is about a photo that shows a bunch of kids gathered together for a Halloween party photo in 1962 while wearing their masks. It seems a dude in a black mask made it into the photo, but no one knew who he was. But he got their attention fast when he somehow locked the doors and windows from the outside and began slaughtering everyone in the house.

The first issue you’ll have to get past is that this is supposed to take place in the 1960s yet totally feels like actors from contemporary times. Not the biggest deal since the whole movie takes place in one location, which means not much effort is needed to mask the time period.

Next, a group of friends drives to a house in the middle of nowhere for a party, and everyone is wearing masks for the whole ride. This is the part that annoyed me the most, because no one would sit for a whole car ride with their mask on. It makes it feel like these kids are about to go all The Strangers on their party.

In order to create some intrigue early on, there are some mentions by characters of seeing someone in the woods, and we even get to see someone watching the house. Unfortunately, it’s not enticing enough to fill the void of horror action for the first hour. The movie is loaded with dialogue, and uninteresting dialogue at that. Considering this is a movie based on a fictional internet urban legend, they could easily have spaced out some kills instead of focusing predominantly on an instant massacre moment near the end, which is mostly what was done here.

I really did like the atmosphere created in the house though. Old school horror lighting and claustrophobic shots definitely set a tone.

In order to break up some of the monotony, there are a few random kills before the final act. Then the killer slips into the party, and we get those moments of suspense when no one knows who is under the mask, but they just go with it and welcome the “guest”.

The rapid fire succession of kills is satisfying, but then we are subjected to a bunch of conversation between FBI agents that show up at the house the next morning, drawing out the conclusion of the film.

I do give the movie credit for doing what it could with the limited source material. I didn’t actually hate it, and I’m glad I saw it because it exposed me to a creepy urban legend I’d never heard before.

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STREAM QUEEN: Black horror, sharks, and an exorcist

There was just one winner for me in my latest marathon of three movies.

BLIND WATERS (2023)

From the director of all the Sharknado movies comes a shark movie that wants to be taken seriously but is riddled with asinine moments like something out of Sharknado. Dude, just give us another Sharknado.

A straight couple is on vacation. A thief tries but fails to steal the woman’s purse.

The thief ends up on a boat with some other people. A shark comes along and just eats them all right off this big boat, yet the thief gets away on a lifeboat.

Meanwhile, the couple goes scuba diving and gets attacked by the shark, which torpedoes their big boat and capsizes it.

She hits her head and goes blind. He gets bit by the shark and is now useless…although his sweet little booty is still working overtime.

Their effort to get to a small, deserted island takes up a good chunk of the movie. Once there, they then have to try to get off the island…at which point the shark returns.

The shark is mostly CGI, the lead guy has a hot bod, but it feels like his dialogue has been dubbed, and the main girl ignoring his plea to just get on the fucking boat near the end is so infuriating I wanted her to die. And that’s just one of a series of dumb ass decisions she makes in like the last ten minutes of the movie.

THE POPE’S EXORCIST (2023)

The cool news about The Pope’s Exorcist? It uses a handful of 80s alternative songs for a soundtrack:

“She Sells Sanctuary” The Cult

“We Care A Lot” Faith No More

“Gone Daddy Gone” Violent Femmes

“(I’m) Stranded” The Saints

Also cool? The kid who plays the possessed boy looks like he’s having a blast doing it.

Everything else is mostly a clone of The Exorcist. There’s way too much religious crap (I know…the title should have tipped me off), and Russell Crowe plays a real life priest who used to perform exorcisms for the Vatican.

It’s hard to take any of this seriously, and by the final battle, I felt like I stepped into some sort of bombastic comic book adaptation about a superhero exorcist—while watching a movie based on an actual person.

The film begins with Crowe performing a faux exorcism and brutally sacrificing a pig in the process. WTF?

As he argues with the Vatican over his unorthodox ways, a woman inherits an abbey after the death of her husband. While it’s being restored and renovated, she moves in with her rebellious teen daughter and her young son.

The movie speeds up the whole first part of The Exorcist. The kid is quickly possessed, quickly gets an MRI and other testing, and the mother quickly calls Crowe.

After that, it’s like I said—the possessed kid is loads of fun if you’re just itching for the usual demonic possession zaniness, and the rest feels like an exorcism movie on autopilot—spider crawl, writing on kid’s belly, demon claiming to have encountered the priest before, etc. It has been 50 years since The Exorcist was released, and I still say just watch The Exorcist again instead.

THE BLACKENING (2022)

Considering conservatives had a fit over a show called Black-ish, if you see them commenting on or reviewing a film titled The Blackening anywhere online and screaming about it being woke, you know they are just looking to troll and play victim. Personally, I wish the film hadn’t been titled The Blackening because the tagline “we can’t all die first” is way better for a Black slasher–and appears to be about 4 times bigger than the actual title on the poster art.

It starts off strong, with a couple at a cabin in the woods waiting for their friends to arrive for a Juneteenth celebration. They find a game called “The Blackening”. It asks them pop culture questions and warns that if they answer wrong, they die. You can imagine how that turns out.

Next, the rest of the group shows up, and among them are Bernard’s boyfriend Hector of The Upshaws (playing gay here as well, landing this one on the does the gay guy die? page), and Grace Byers of Empire.

The lights go out, they find the game, and they begin playing. The plot unfolds sort of like a comedic Saw movie with plenty of playful commentary on race, black-on-black discrimination, conservatives, a Black woman, queers, and many more current day issues.

We even get Diedrich Bader as the token white character (named Ranger White), and a little dig at the whole Friends/Living Single controversy. If you’re really white and take offense to hearing any satire on your white-centric world, this isn’t the movie for you.

We have a masked killer, and there’s even a moment when one guy borrows a line from Stu from Scream: “I’m feeling a little woozy here”. You have no idea how often I quote that line to my hubby.

The only disappointments I have with the film are that a) the weapon of choice is a crossbow, and b) the body count is low. However, I imagine the low body count is intentional, as it plays into the satire about Black people never lasting in a horror movie.

 

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Influencers beware!

It’s a triple feature of flicks about influencers falling into a rabbit hole of horrific situations, so let’s get right into it.

INFLUENCER (2022)

I was pleasantly surprised at all the twists and turns in this movie, which taps into the vibe of early 90s thrillers with a modern update focusing on an influencer and the girl who wants to be her.

I won’t even get into it much because I don’t want to spoil it, but basically, an influencer on a trip to Thailand alone befriends another girl who has ulterior motives.

There are plenty of unexpected developments, and we see that even the best laid plans of psychos can go wrong.

Just check it out it if you haven’t seen it. It definitely keeps you watching. Plus, the closing credits use the awesome song “Getup” by Nicholas Franchise.

CABIN GIRL (2023)

This movie annoyed me. For starters, it is loaded with fake scare setups and false music cues galore. For instance, ominous music plays as it look like a dude with an axe is creeping up behind our main girl. He swings—cut to her totally unaware—cut back to see that axe dude is somewhere else knocking a padlock off a door. Ugh.

Anyway, an influencer decides to get away from it all by renting a cabin in the woods, where she meets a really cute guy.

He tells her about a girl who jumped off a bridge in town and lived in the very cabin in which she is staying.

She becomes obsessed with the girl. She researches her story. She sees visions of her and has nightmares about her, giving us some early 00s ghost girl action.

She uses a Ouija board to speak with her and becomes convinced she was murdered.

It’s all very generic and typical…until our main girl becomes so crazed about what happened to this girl that she starts stalking men with an axe in the final act.

The twist is both somehow surprising and a total eye-roller.

#NO_FILTER (2022)

This is a supernatural slasher for the new millennium, with most of the action taking place over video chats as an influencer is terrorized by a presence in her house.

While on a vacation in Bali, the main teen girl (talk about privileged white girls) meets her influencer idol, who is known for his scare pranks. She helps him play out one of his pranks, which involves wearing a freaky mask.

And right there is where this film feels like it leaves out a major plot point. By the time the film ends, we have to assume the teen girl brought some sort of supernatural presence home with her. Did it come from the mask? We will never know. And if it wasn’t the fault of the mask, then what was the cause? Did it enter their phones as they filmed? There are some meta comments about The Ring between the two influencers in Bali, so maybe the whole point of that reference is to clue us in that a ghostly presence is using phone video instead of a VHS tape to terrorize a new generation. Again, we will never know…unless a sequel is made that explains it.

You just have to go with it and enjoy the thrill ride. The girl ends up alone in her home when her parents go out, making for some good suspense scenes as weird things begin happening and freaking her out. Problem is, since she is attempting to create a scare prank channel just like the guy she met, that effort begins backfiring on her.

She’s not sure if she’s part of a scare prank or if the craziness is really happening, and on top of that, when she calls a friend for help, the friend think she is pulling a prank for her channel and refuses to help her.

It’s fun, it has a bit of a throwback to early 00s teen horror, and there are several bloody kills and some black demon eye action.

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STREAM QUEEN: delving into a trio of Asian horror flicks

My latest triple feature weekend included three Asian horror flicks in a variety of subgenres, and I had fun with all three of them.

ZOM 100: BUCKET LIST OF THE DEAD (2023)

Adapted from an animated film, this Japanese zombie flick reminds me of the Asian zombie movie I Am a Hero, which means there’s a good time to be had. However, it does suffer from one major issue…it is 129 minutes long!

Neither quirky cute characters nor fast-running zombie action can keep up the momentum, so the center of the film gets bogged down by repetitive scenarios of migrating from one invaded space to another to escape zombies.

The story involves a young man who is all excited about getting his first office job…until he starts work. Discovering the daily grind truly is a grind, he is thrilled when a zombie outbreak interrupts his 9 to 5.

As he learns to live and survive in a world filled with zombies, he makes a bucket list of things he wants to do and also teams up with an old high school friend and a girl who kicks zombie ass, as well as a bunch of disposable survivors.

As they have various zombie encounters, what’s interesting is that no one figures out how to take down the zombies. There’s not one mention of shooting them in the head.

The pace finally picks up when the group decides the safest place to be is an aquarium. I did not see this coming, but the last half hour or so becomes Aquarium of the Dead, with all the survivors fending off a zombified great white shark that walks on land.

Talk about shift in tone. But it’s the best thing that could have happened to this movie, because it’s a blast.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS (2022)

This may be a Thai film, but the vibe is totally sleek American slasher. No Asian horror feel or tone at all, and the template is mostly paint-by-numbers, with a few wild surprises to keep things fresh:

–it begins with a tense opening kill that delivers some unexpected turns

–next, a group of estranged friends gathers together for a sort of reunion at a hotel

–we get a shower kill early on

–the killer wears a teddy bear head and uses a variety of sharp weapons

–as we learn more about the main cast, it becomes clear it’s the old “we did something bad and swore never to speak of it again” situation

–there are plenty of juicy, over-the-top CGI kills to satisfy gore hounds

–there’s more to the horror than just the killer

–there are plenty of chase scenes

–we get a final boy instead of a final girl

–the killer delivers a Scream-esque motivation monologue at the end

If you’ve been itching for a dose of simple slasher fun, this is the way to go.

SLEEPING BEAUTIES (2023)

This English language, Indonesian horror flick is possibly my favorite so far of all the Tubi originals I’ve seen. It’s a mashup of Asian ghost girl horror, backwoods family horror, and abduction horror.

After consulting a psychic who helps her communicate with her deceased husband, a financially desperate, recently widowed pregnant woman takes a job as a maid for a snooty white man and woman. The pair is odd, they make strange demands, and the woman is more compassionate towards her pregnant employee than the man.

Meanwhile, the maid starts getting haunted by several jerky-moving, long-haired, Asian maid ghost girls. Eek!

She decides she has to just quit and get the hell away from the house, but doing the smart thing in horror movies is never easy.

The final act gets crazy! It’s pure horror weirdness, violence, gore, and ghosts—not to mention some camp when the psychic shows up to save the day. This one is a winner for me.

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