Three from the early teens

Thirsty pretty people, a crazy poor Asian, and Satan’s baby back again. Let’s get into these three.

THIRST (2010)

As a fan of Lacey Chabert and Mercedes McNab in horror flicks, I can safely say it’s okay for those who feel the same about them to skip this one.

This is going to be fast, but it’s also going to have spoilers.

Thirst had an opportunity to go to some horrible places, but sadly it didn’t. The girls and their men are driving through the desert doing a location shoot for Mercedes, who is a wannabe model. They crash and are stranded. Mercedes is hurt bad. They are running out of supplies.

Eventually they start suffering from delusions as hunger and thirst take over. And that’s about it.

They die off one by one until only Lacey is left. And brace yourself for this one…she survives by hydrating herself with one of Mercedes’s breast implants.

I can’t with this movie.


This Asian slasher definitely delivers on brutal, inventive kills for the gore hounds, so I’ll give it credit for that. Other than that, for me it takes one of my least favorite approaches—the “protagonist” is the killer.

I just don’t feel sorry for this bitch, no matter how much the movie goes back into her past between kills (all the way to her fricking childhood) to show us how she had all these dreams of buying a home for her family someday.

Life didn’t work out the way she planned, so she goes on a vicious and cruel murder spree, hacking up victims in a particular apartment building.

There’s no higher moral ground taken here, for she’s just as likely to mutilate a pregnant woman and her husband as she is to dissect a pervy drug addict.

The only satisfaction I got was that quite a few of the victims fought back like hell and did some good damage to her. I rooted for every single one of them and wanted her to die.


Borrowing just the skeleton of the original novel and the classic film that closely followed it, this remake will probably only appeal to those looking for an entirely different take on the story, with excessive embellishments.

The original was straightforward. Rosemary and her husband Guy move into an old apartment building rumored to have a history of witchcraft. They become close friends with the elderly couple the Castevets next door. The couple encroaches on their life and basically controls it, supplying them with all the right people to run things for them. Anyone who tries to help or warn Rosemary meets an early demise. Rosemary gets drugged one night, is banged by the devil in a cult orgy, and then spends the rest of the film figuring out that all the tenants in her apartment building are looking to take her baby, and at the end they reveal that her baby is the devil’s son.

So much extra shit was thrown in to stretch this story into a 2-part miniseries. This made-for-TV adaptation starts with a pregnant woman jumping out a window. Then we meet Rosemary, who has moved to France with Guy. She gets mugged and accidentally retrieves the wrong purse, which leads to the apartment building of the Castevets.

The couple soon moves in and befriends the Castevets, who are younger, more sophisticated, and sexier here.

The Castevets give them a cat. There’s a handyman with no tongue. Rosemary witnesses chanting through a window across the way. Guy is a writer instead of an actor. A dude who was already victim to the cult tries to warn them. Mr. Castevets gets shot.

The sex scene with the devil sucks and isn’t at all menacing. There is a pointless scene in the catacombs in France. When she gets pregnant, Rosemary gnaws on raw meat.

It just goes on and on and on to arrive at the same ending with the long ago spoiled reveal of it being Satan’s baby.

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at
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