Camp Massacre – this fat farm slasher needs to slim down

Camp Massacre comes via one of those “horror circles” of indie filmmakers. Most directors/actors/writers involved have all worked together on various projects—most notably, the films The Hospital and The Hospital 2. Someone in the film can even be seen wearing a The Hospital T-shirt.

Despite the hot babes on the poster art, the premise of Camp Massacre is that obese guys competing on a weight-loss reality show get hacked up by a killer wearing a “Six Pack Abs” cooking apron and a fast food chicken bucket as a mask. In fact, after an opening kill with ex-porn star Bree Olsen in a shower, there are pretty much only two females in the entire movie. This slasher comedy is actually a big beary sausage party! There are plenty of huge tits and swollen nipples, but they’re all covered in fur!

How’s that for falsely advertising to young straight teen boys? Even the title is more geared toward the poster art than the actual plot of the film. Frankly, the title bites big bear boobs no matter what gender is being killed. Camp Massacre? Really??? The film was originally titled Fat Chance, which is equally crappy since it speaks to the “fat” aspect of the film but not the horror. Despite the PC world we live in these days, this big-bellied bear says fuck it. They should have owned it and just called the film Fat Farm Massacre.

But that’s not even the major problem with Camp Massacre. The truth is, considering there are dozens of people involved with this film that have done other horror movies and clearly love the genre, it is inexcusable that this one runs two hours and nine minutes long. Fucking INEXCUSABLE.

Don’t get me wrong. There are some funny parts that made me laugh out loud, but in between the chuckles—and kills—there are so many plodding, unnecessary segments that drag the film into the amateur zone, making it a chore to hang in there. And considering the kills are not presented as suspenseful or scary (they just—happen, thankfully without CGI), the film desperately needed to rely on its more humorous, exploitative moments to make it fun, keep the momentum going, and tighten up the lag between death scenes. Easily 40 minutes could have been cut from the film without compromising the plot (for instance, the excessive number of lengthy exercising montages).

Now for the highlights of the film. For starters, there’s the animated intro. I always love me some animated horror movie intros, and this one features a punk perfect song called “Make the First Move.” All the songs in the film have a good 80s movie soundtrack throwback sound.

There are also some familiar faces, including Dick Warlock (Michael Myers in the original Halloween II), brief cameos by scream king Shawn C. Phillips and Scott Tepperman of Ghost Hunters International, and wrestler Al Snow.

From the moment Snow comes on the scene as a boot camp trainer (in a tight tank to show off his beefy bod), he shines. His part is shamefully small considering he brings some of the strongest humor. Also underutilized in terms of delivering the best comic moments are a gay character and a goth character (who also seems pretty gay).

Since this is a sausage party, there’s an abundance of flesh to go around. There are plenty of huge, bare bear bellies on display. For fans of lean meat, there’s a ripped, pretty boy trainer dressed in a fantastically tight and skimpy exercise outfit right out of the 80s.

And in a unifying boys & bears moment, the trainer even milks some moobs for the milk chocolate hidden underneath.

Jim O’Rear, co-director of the film who also has a role in the film, gets a sex scene in which he wears only a tie and shows off his booty, but the camera sadly never pans below the pube line.

Finally, one of the biggest bears in the bunch lies big belly up for a campy sex scene.

If only Camp Massacre had brought all its best elements closer together by…um…trimming the fat, it could have been a great party movie—and possibly even a cult classic with the gay bear crowd.