STREAM QUEEN: a big clown letdown?

I saw clown faces popping up in my watchlists, so I thought I had a common blog theme ready once again. But it wasn’t quite what it seemed with these three…

IT’S HERE (2019)

It’s Here is another one of those “anthologies” that appears to be just a bunch of short films assembled together for exposure and perhaps a quick streaming buck, this time under the guise of a “clown” collection. For starters, some of these stories don’t even fit the theme, and second, I think I’ve covered a few of them in other anthologies in the past.

Anyway, after a fun animated horror intro that gets us in the mood for some spooky tales, we jump right in with no wraparound:

1st story – after putting her whiny kid to bed, a woman has a date with a guy that turns into something demonic, but it’s not really a clown.

2nd story – a campy tale, this one is actually about a killer mime terrorizing a guy and girl as they watch horror movies.

3rd story – is there some sort of film class that requires students to simply remake the clown/babysitter tale from the anthology Amusement? If you want to be a filmmaker, stop doing this and come up with something of your own. Seriously, just stop.

4th story – a clown…clowns himself to death?

5th story – imagine if Samara escaped The Ring video dressed as a clown and you’ve got this tale.

6th story – a radio host has a psychic on his show. God calls. The Devil calls. No clowns call.

7th story – reporters accompany a couple into the woods to do an exchange to get their daughter back…from something we don’t see.

There’s a quick clown scene in a circus tent at the end of the movie, but I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be the end of the 7th story or just a standalone clip, which is a typical problem with these movies that are comprised of underdeveloped short films and don’t drop even a segment title card between each story to signify that one has ended and a new one is beginning.

CLOWNFACE (2019)

I see a theme forming to my blog about clown horror…which is that these movies are not clown horror movies.

This killer is called Clownface, but he’s really just a hillbilly in a tank top using human skin for a face. Not sure I can complain though, because let’s face it, that always makes for an awesome killer.

The story is a little odd and a little different for a slasher, and I don’t know whether that works for or against the movie. There are two female friends. The main girl leaves their place, the other is abducted by Clownface.

The film feels disjointed to me. I don’t know why Clownface decides to keep this one girl prisoner when he’s just killing everyone else. There’s another dude who comes to town and is investigating the kills because he encountered Clownface in the woods when he was a kid, so Clownface has apparently been hanging around for quite a while.

The main girl wants to figure out what happened to her missing friend, but that doesn’t stop her from going to a party, which is the most satisfying sequence because it’s when all the good old fashioned slashing starts. And I’m talking major bloody massacre. Kind of made me forget that the plot was confusing.

CRISPY’S CURSE (2017)

The general horror comedy concept of a Christian heavy metal band joining forces with a couple of ghost hunters and a gay psychic to take down a killer clown ghost seems like a treasure trove of fun. Unfortunately, Crispy’s Curse is anything but.

An agonizing 105 minutes long, this plodding film feels like endless disjointed skits that hold no relevance to any kind of plot and mostly fail to deliver any semblance of humor in the process. There are glimmers of golden opportunities and a few chuckles to be had, but they are spread so far apart it’s a chore just waiting for the next one. And before the various characters finally end up with one focused goal in the final act, some of the characters’ stories are just more entertaining and interesting than others—which kind of signals to me that those other characters weren’t even necessary and losing them could have vastly improved the pace and cut the runtime.

As for the killer clown, I guess he’s a campy jokester, but I honestly could not make out anything he was saying whenever he spoke. I think he’s supposed to be a drunk clown or something.

I give credit to the actors, who gave it their all and are definitely talented comic performers who could have done a lot with funnier material. Plus, we at least get plenty of goofy gore pay-off near the end when the clown goes crazy on a concert audience with a chainsaw. And of course the gay psychic lands this one on the does the gay guy die? page.

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.
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