Seasons of Loons: Rent gets [REC]ed in Condemned

condemned cover

The derelict apartment building in Condemned didn’t even need an infection to spread for it to be batshit crazy. In fact, a good chunk of the film focuses on the tenants of this place, who are fucked up before the infection even gets a serious hold of them. There are moments of pus-filled outbreaks on skin and sudden vomiting, but the film really takes way too long to kick in. When it finally does—with less than 30 minutes remaining—the gore is great, the gross is heinous, and the crazy infected people, well, they are actually more entertaining and humorous than before they got infected!

condemned creep girl

Seriously, I found the cast much more enjoyable once they got a case of “the crazies.” There’s nothing funny going on for a majority of the film, then it suddenly becomes a horror comedy when all hell breaks loose, and it’s a total blast. So, basically…the movie is suggesting that impoverished scum of the earth are actually viler before becoming projectile vomiting, lesion-covered freaks with no control over maniacal outbursts and murderous tendencies. Ouch.

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No group is left untarnished—except the rich white straight girl who agrees to become a squatter in the place with her boyfriend to get away from her parents.

condemned couple

This apartment full of human slime has it all: a burnout interracial couple; a black transgender prostitute with an abusive Hasidic boyfriend;

condemned trans

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a dude in a diaper; an Asian man who creates the monster-making drug that leaks into the building’s plumbing system;

condemned drug maker

and a steroidhead BDSM neo-Nazi gay couple.

STOP RIGHT THERE. Forget effeminate predators. These two, who gay activists would probably protest as the worst possible queer representation you could want in a movie—are fucking HOT.

condemned gays 1

Their expressions of hardcore love and perversion are captivating.

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The vicious, mascara-wearing master man is gorgeous Johnny Messner of Anacondas.

condemned messner

His performance rocks, and his gravelly way of speaking is like the voice of a devil.

condemned massner 1

His massive furball bottom bitch is Michael DeMello.

condemned demello

Michael doesn’t have a large filmography yet, but I would like to see him in…porn. WITH Messner as his daddy.

condemned gays 3

Seriously, kudos to these two for totally going for it. Messner keeps DeMello in a dog collar and tighty-whities, chains him up, makes him live in a cage, knocks him around, throws his ass on the floor, drags him around on a leash, fills DeMello’s dog bowl with his piss—in a mainstream horror movie.

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Along with the final 20-minutes or so of Condemned, this fucked up steroidhead BDSM neo-Nazi gay couple saved it for me. And they are even more fun when they become infected.

condemned messner dildo

condemned demello kill

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at
This entry was posted in Johnny You ARE Queer - Gay Thoughts, Movie Times & Television Schedules - Staying Entertained, Scared Silly - Horror Comedy, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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  1. Pingback: 20 times there were twice as many gay guys in a single horror flick… | BOYS, BEARS & SCARES

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