I had a case of the 28 day infection again

Posted on May 26, 2019 by Daniel

Before I reflect on revisiting the “28” saga, here’s my original take from years ago. I went to the theater to see 28 Days Later and hated it. In fact, just as with The Blair Witch Project, despite the massive hype the film was getting, when the end credits began to role in the theater, the groans and looks of disappointment from the audience spoke volumes—people were flabbergasted that the movie could have gotten so many rave reviews.

Therefore, I was glad to wait until 28 Weeks Later made its way to cable, and when it finally did, I unexpectedly loved it. So has my views on either film changed?

28 DAYS LATER (2002)

Interestingly, I had no recollection of the opening scene, in which infected monkeys in a lab go ape shit crazy. I only remember the intro of the main dude waking up in a hospital in a deserted city. I guess it deserves credit for being the template for the first episode of The Walking Dead, when Rick wakes up in a hospital. However, here we get to see the main guy’s wiener.

For the most part, the opening is my favorite scene, then it’s all downhill from there, just as I remembered. The first half of this way too long 2-hour movie focuses on the main guy joining a small group of survivors in trying to stay alive. It’s just a series of scenes of them stopping at one place after the other, and very few of the scenes are actually frightening or suspenseful.

But the bigger problem for me is that the characters are simply not very likable. The main guy is particularly weird and creepy, like some sort of mentally ill dude who escaped a loony bin. I just could not connect with him at all and did not trust him. The main woman is okay and a strong survivor, which once again foreshadows The Walking Dead—she gives off a major Michonne vibe. Meanwhile, the one character I liked most is the one character that doesn’t make it.

Sure, this movie introduced fast running infected, which is frightening, but here it’s usually lost in a blur of choppy editing and dark lighting. And what could have been one of the best scenes—a trip through a dark tunnel—concludes in a moment that made me laugh when I saw it in the theater. As the infected run after our protagonists’ car, despite being completely primal, they all just suddenly decide it’s pointless to chase a car and stop running!

When we move into the second half of the film, it falls apart for me. The survivors are rescued by a bunch of armed military men. Ugh. And we get another hint of The Walking Dead—encounters with dangerous communities. Yep, the concept of a psycho community is introduced, and the infected are pushed aside so chauvinistic men with guns become the antagonists for the remainder of the film. Yawn. And the sudden upbeat ending feels kind of absurd after how dark and dreary the film is.

I do like that people can become infected simply by getting infected blood in their mouth or eye. That’s always been my pet peeve about zombie movies. People will get zombie guts all over them and never fear that it might cause them to become infected. I wouldn’t even want to get in a few feet of one of those things.

28 WEEKS LATER (2007)

It’s hard to believe these two films are even linked, because the sequel blows the first one away. Rather than a series of vignettes of characters just traveling from one place to another, the sequel has a specific story arc focusing on one family, which I found totally engrossing.

The opening is absolutely unforgettable. A family trying to exist during the outbreak is holed up in a house. When the infected unexpectedly infiltrate, the man of the house becomes a total dick and pulls an “every man for himself” move.

This scene is also burned in my mind because it takes a piece of score from the first film that is just subtly playing in the background during the final scene and transforms it into an upfront guitar anthem that carries throughout the sequel.

The film follows the family to a safe district where the children are reunited with their dad. Things become dark and ugly when the husband is reunited with the wife, turning this into an infected revenge flick that puts that absurd Day of the Dead remake with Johnathon Schaech as a stalking zombie to shame. The son and daughter are relentlessly pursued by the dad, and even a military escort—Jeremy Renner—can’t seem to keep him away.

Along the way there are some phenomenal infected attacks, including a helicopter massacre and a claustrophobic scene of everyone in a safe house creating a stampede while trying to escape as the infection spreads within minutes.

There’s also a night vision scene in underground tunnels that may as well have been a vent scene (there’s one of those, too. Fuckers).

Unlike the first film, this sequel made me yearn for a sequel that’s promised but never materialized. Yep, first impressions are everything, and my impression of the 28 films hasn’t changed a bit.

 

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Beware the killers within the devil’s mile

Posted on May 24, 2019 by Daniel

Eureka! A double dose of streaming selections that revolve around kidnappings and deliver plenty of popcorn horror along the way.

KILLERS WITHIN (2018)

Unless you haven’t been paying attention to modern horror releases—or not reading my blogs about current movies—you’ll know that a common twist in home invasion films these days is that the real danger is what’s already inside, and the baddies doing the invading are the ones in trouble.

That’s the case with Killers Within (hell, the title says it all). A woman and her ex-husband plot a home invasion after their son is kidnapped.

It takes a while to get past the usual home invasion stuff—and it’s hard to pick a side since the invaders are the protagonists, but the monster movie fun finally begins about halfway in, and it’s total sci-fi creature feature fun, complete with rubber costumes.

The gore is standard and therefore mildly satisfying, and the mythology behind the creatures is cool, for it delves into evolution and science—something we really need in these days of religious lunacy overthrowing our government.

If you grew up in the 80s and lived through the V The Mini Series phenomenon, you’ll really appreciate this one.

DEVIL’S MILE (2014)

What a relief to watch two movies with the same general theme (kidnapping) and find them both satisfying horror experiences, well-crafted, and completely different horror subgenres.

In Devil’s Mile, one male and two female kidnappers abduct two girls, but as they transport them to their boss, they take a detour on a deserted road and shit gets bad really fast.

This is how you start a film right, as a series of fast, unexpected situations occur before we even get to the horror part.

The kidnappers get sucked into a vicious cycle of trying to leave the scene of a car accident while being repeatedly attacked by an Asian ghost girl.

And the only way to temporarily vanquish her is with light.

Essentially, this is Dead End meets The Grudge meets Darkness Falls, making it an awesome combination in my book. The ghost girl is ghoul cool (if not a bit overly CGI), and there’s plenty of suspense and jump scares, making this a perfect flick when you just need a fix of cheap thrills.

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30 years of Stepford wives, children, and husbands

Posted on May 24, 2019 by Daniel

I’m a big fan of Ira Levin’s novels, and most have been adapted into films, including Rosemary’s Baby, The Boys from Brazil, Sliver, A Kiss Before Dying, and of course, The Stepford Wives.

I was young when the 1975 film came out, but I imagine it was on television within a few years after, because I also remember seeing it for the first time at a young age. While I always assumed it was quite famous, even spawning a bunch of sequels, upon watching the interviews on the DVD, I was shocked to learn several things I never would have guessed about it—starting with it being a huge commercial failure!

Secondly, the performance of Nanette Newman, who plays the first Stepford wife we meet, was generally panned by those involved in making the movie. Her robotic performance as the perfect prim and proper wife is actually brilliantly chilling if you ask me.

And finally, the feminist movement absolutely revolted against this film when it was released. It goes to show you that the “PC”/“snowflake”/“hyper-sensitive” culture isn’t a new plague in society. Just as Cruising was hated by the gay boys, Basic instinct was hated by lesbians, and blaxploitation flicks experienced backlash, the wives highly offended those who felt women were being portrayed awfully. And just like all those other films, the easily offended totally missed the point, not only of the movie but of horror in general.

Horror is supposed to make you feel uncomfortable. Horror is supposed to present horrific possibilities. And the possibility here is. I coincidentally watched these films just as numerous states were banning abortion and controlling women’s bodies, so the sheer terror of what affluent white men are capable of doing to women—even their own beloved wives—was magnified as I revisited this film from nearly 40 years ago. In other words—men are fucking awful. The problem here is not the women—they are the ones the audience identifies with and fears for.

Essentially, The Stepford Wives, in case you didn’t know, is an Invasion of the Body Snatchers concept, with the women’s husbands joining a special club in which they secretly replace their wives with perfect Betty Crocker versions of themselves. The women are there to please their men in every way possible, right down to the men being able to augment the new versions of their wives. Sick…and so believable, sadly.

Hell, feminists would have had their tubes tied if the film had gone as planned. Rather than the goodie-goodie image the women present when converted in the film, they were originally supposed to essentially be Playboy Bunnies walking around in slutty outfits. I’m glad they weren’t, because that would have branched away from the reality of married men fucking whores on the side and then forcing them to get abortions while passing anti-abortion laws to hurt the marginalized…

Ironically, although it’s not touched upon enough, there is a white privilege moment in the film when several of the women try to act all cool and liberal while gossiping about a black family that has moved into town. We never see the black husband inducted into the men’s club, which begs the question—would he be welcome? Is it gender before race in Stepford? Would have been great if that had been explored even a little. And speaking of mixed race issues, the white dude from The Jeffersons appears in the film, as does Ginger from Gilligan’s Island.

The concept of The Stepford Wives is what makes it so eerie. This isn’t a “scary” movie in the traditional sense. No jump scares or anything like that. Katharine Ross is perfect as the strong, independent woman who moves to Stepford with her husband and children (one of them being a young Mary Stuart Masterson).

As Ross begins to notice the women in the town are weird, she befriends another new resident, played by Paula Prentiss, who is also equally perfect in her role as a free-spirited, confident woman.

The pair begins to investigate and determines something is very wrong. It’s even brilliant that they get it totally wrong for a while, becoming convinced another horror trope is at play…

There are essentially two scenes that drive the point home and bring on the spine tingles. First is when Ross confronts one of the wives and things escalate surprisingly quick…with Ross taking a huge gamble in initiating it. The other is when she sneaks into the creepy men’s club mansion on a rainy night and comes face-to-face with her own face. EEK!

REVENGE OF THE STEPFORD WIVES (1980)

The director of the Dr. Phibes films goes the made-for-TV route for this sequel that takes place ten years later (even though it was made five years later).

Sharon Gless plays a TV network reporter who comes to Stepford to write a story on why no one ever leaves the town once they move there. You have to wonder why the town has a hotel welcoming guests when it has such a nasty little secret to keep.

The men’s club leader isn’t thrilled with her poking around. While Sharon befriends new couple Julie “Marge Simpson” Kavner and her cop husband Don Johnson, Stepford wives are used as weapons to try to kill her. Most notably…Mrs. Roper! Awesome.

Forget everything you learned in the original. These are not robot replacements of the wives. The wives simply take pills four times a day when a siren blows throughout the town. These pills are what keep them controlled…and sometimes cause them to malfunction like robots?

Yeah, it’s bad, but it’s 1980 made-for-TV perfection in all its silliness. The worst part for me is when Gless gets the same creepy moment Katharine Ross did in the original, confronting a malfunctioning wife, but any eerie atmosphere is ruined because there’s sappy 1950s sitcom music playing! I get that they were going for a whole June Cleaver wink, but it ruins the scene. The least they could have done was have that wife go after her with a cleaver instead of a wife in a different scene…

The climax is quite funny, with the Stepford wives coming down from their drug addiction and revolting against the monster known as man.

THE STEPFORD CHILDREN (1987)

This time around the wives are still robots, so there’s no telling how everything went back to the way it was after Revenge. There is a vague reference in the men’s club to things going wrong once before, if that helps you imagine continuity.

Barbara Eden moves to Stepford with her kids and her husband, played by Karen’s original husband Sid on Knots Landing, which he left like 5 years before so he could make mostly TV movies, including this one.

What are you and your friends doing to me, daddy???

Why is The Stepford Children one of my faves in the series? Because it’s essentially an 80s teen flick with some horror thrown in at the end. Eden’s son and daughter are the new kids in town, and they’re totally 80s cool, high hair and all…but the other kids in school aren’t.

Basically it’s Footloose, right down to a high school dance scene in which the kids politely dance to ballroom big band music. The new kids put on some totally 80s rock wave, the moshing starts, and they get arrested!

Meanwhile, Eden tries to start a PTA…I guess because she was so successful in Harper Valley. The school administration is nasty with her. Her husband starts to humiliate her in public. He’s ashamed of the way his kids look and wants them to be more prim and proper…never seeming to notice that Barbara is a MILF who should be dancing on the hood of a car in a Whitesnake video.

Just think. If I were a father and wanted to make kids act like they did back in my day, you young brats would get to live like it was the 1980s. Who’s the world’s best daddy?

Fricking Oscar Goldman, having experience with fembots, is the leader of the men’s club this time, so he knows what he’s doing when it comes to making humans into robots, and he doesn’t have to worry about the Bionic Woman putting a stop to his evil plot.

It takes quit some time, but eventually the kids realize things are not right, and then Barbara does as well when her son’s new girlfriend suddenly starts acting very different, thanks to being sold down the river by her dad, played by Principal Morloch from Fame.

Eden doesn’t really step into the final lady role until the last half hour. In her search for the truth, she even goes as far as digging up a Stepford grave, delivering one of the best horror moments of the series.

During the final confrontation, there’s a freaky encounter with incomplete robots, and there’s also a bizarre monologue in which Oscar Goldman says they’re doing it to save the future generations. Um…how can there be a future if the kids are all robots that can’t procreate?

THE STEPFORD HUSBANDS (1996)

The director of April Fool’s Day, When a Stranger Calls, and When a Stranger Calls Back goes for Lifetime level sci-fi horror with this final sequel before the remake.

Donna Mills acts like she’s still Abby Ewing as she gets bitchy regularly with her husband, who is devastated because he just released a book that was a huge flop. They may as well have had Ted Shackelford play the husband.

It’s a shock that this evil vixen becomes the good guy for a change, but in terms of Stepford mythos, it’s not a surprise. Making a strong statement about women being better than men, this time when the husband starts turning weird and the wife realizes something is not kosher in Stepford, instead of joining the madness, she takes on the community to stop them from converting her husband into the perfect man. I guess she preferred him in his miserable state so she could continue kicking him while he was down.

Cindy Williams is her friend who backstabs her to get her husband sent to the “clinic”, and not surprisingly, Louise Fletcher plays the evil mastermind.

And while there is a conversion process, this movie harkens back to Revenge, requiring the men to take pills. But I do want to know exactly what the purpose is of the coiled hose attached to the men’s crotches during conversion…

THE STEPFORD WIVES (2004)

Coming nearly 30 years later, this movie is as white as the original, but at least there’s a gay couple, and Bette Midler as the free-spirited friend does balk about the lack of color in town, reminding us that this has always been a story about the perfect little segregated town in America.

The remake isn’t going for chilling or eerie. It’s more of a satirical reimagining, with legendary Frank Oz directing. To me the tone is like Stepford injected with a campy dose of Witches of Eastwick.

Aside from a vastly rewritten ending, the plot is virtually identical following a very weird reality TV show opening (relating to main character Nicole Kidman being a TV executive).

After Kidman has a breakdown, her husband Matthew Broderick moves the family to Stepford, where they meet their real estate agent Glenn Close, who is married to Christoper Walken, leader of the men’s club.

The new house is automated (so why the need for controlled housewives?) and comes with a robot dog…which seems to foreshadow the women being replaced by robots.

And that is where the biggest plot hole comes in. The robot replacement seems the way things are, complete with remote controls for wives, as well as Nicole eventually coming face to face with her robot self. However, the new ending, which has Nicole figuring out how to save the wives, implies that they are not robots at all, but merely have had computer chips implanted that control them!

Despite the terrible screwup in the writing, the different ending is what saves the film for me because it’s a delicious twist and also very campy. Bette Midler also has a great scene in which she malfunctions…if you watch the deleted scenes. Her big shining moment is heavily cut, probably because it is absolutely cartoonish and absurd, but it’s so Bette at her funniest that I wish it had been left in.

The cast also includes Jon Lovitz, singer Faith Hill at the height of her crossover success in a gimmicky role as one of the wives, and go-to actor Roger Bart, who always steps in when a stereotypical gay guy is needed.

His character is the most specific update of the story’s premise. How does the men’s club handle a couple comprised of two men? It complicates matters since the men, to prove they’re open-minded, invite both male spouses to join. And bringing a new social and political statement into the mix, the gay guy who has female friends and despises Republicans is the one who doesn’t exactly meet the men’s club criteria for being a Stepford husband. Imagine that….

Sticking to that theme, the film gives us way too much blatant exposition about the conversion process and the thinking behind it, including spelling out that the threat men are feeling is the independence of successful women.

Even so, there’s more to it than that, and the twist in this remake should have gotten feminists’ tubes in a knot more than the original. At the same time, it’s creepy to realize this remake from 15 years ago reflects the reality of how white women overwhelmingly voted for Donald Trump…

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Do you dare set foot on Hallowed Ground?

Posted on May 23, 2019 by Daniel

The trailer for Hallowed Ground caught my attention because a) it features a lesbian couple as the main focus, and b) it shows a bound shirtless dude being taunted by other men. I’m that easy.

When it was time to view the film, I didn’t even have to watch a minute of it to know that my immediate cringe of disappointment upon seeing the 117-minute runtime was warranted. That’s not to say there wasn’t something to enjoy here, but dammit DO NOT MAKE YOUR INDIE HORROR FLICK 2 HOURS LONG. It’s agonizingly self-indulgent because the end result never delivers 2 crucial hours of storytelling that viewers can’t look away from.

Not surprisingly, since the story focuses on a married lesbian couple staying at a cabin in the woods, the plot involves their orientation being reason enough for backwoods religious crazies to want to destroy them.

I’m thrilled that gay characters are becoming the main focus of horror storylines. Really, I am. But this plot—the go-to reason for gays to be subjected to horror—is exactly why I write gay horror novels that take place in a city void of any straight people. Gay horror needs to move beyond the idea that the only monsters gays must face are straight people.

But it is what it is, so expect a lot of dialogue about the hardships of being gay in a straight world and, on the flip side, just how vile and perverse straight people think gays are. That aside, the film injects some originality by making the conflict between the wives stem from the fact that one of them is bisexual. Also, the old geezer caretaker right out of Deliverance is refreshingly okay with them being gay and is the most likable character in the entire film.

The initial premise is a goody. The Native American woman who owns the cabin warns the girls to never cross the barbed wire border of the property, for the neighbors are dangerously territorial. Wouldn’t you know the dumb bitches take a hike, make out right next to the fence, and fall over it accidentally in the process.

This forbidden move sparks…a Hatfields and McCoys plot with a religious cult twist! Director Miles Doleac (Demons) plays the leader of the religious clan perfectly. He’s so good in fact that he makes sure there is loads and loads and loads of dialogue for him to deliver. His robed henchmen do nothing but stand around letting him hog the spotlight. There’s nothing ominous about them. Hell, they don’t even move or react when their leader is under attack!

Going into this one, just know that there are hints at a supernatural horror element stemming from the Native American side of things, but it never comes to fruition.

Hallowed Ground simply presents us with endless exposition through dialogue, failing to deliver any major tension or suspense. Even the few scenes of torture and sacrifice are too flat to satisfy any hardcore horror fans. And despite a lot of talk about a dragon lord that the cult worships, there is no hellish monster payoff—this is simply a bunch of religious kooks worshipping an imaginary god. After watching Demons and then this, I definitely see that this is the form of storytelling we can expect from Doleac’s work–flirtations with horror themes, but inevitably, it’s more about the characters than the creep factor.

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STREAM QUEEN: I’m obsessed with the possessed and down with the demons

Posted on May 22, 2019 by Daniel

It’s a foursome of films about groups of people trapped in various buildings ripe with possession, demons, and the supernatural. So which of these four did I like the most?

5IVE MUST DIE (2017)

In the tradition of a whole bunch of other movies, 5ive Must Die has a cool title but gives us 57 minutes of archaeology students walking around an abandoned asylum exploring with flashlights, getting minor hints about what went on there, and arguing with their suspicious professor.

There’s very little in the way of odd or creepy occurrences beyond them all being tied up without remembering how.

The final act throws in some creepy settings, dark and macabre visuals, and brutality at the hands of a killer that seems to have a cameo instead of major significance.

It’s not easy to follow what’s actually happening, and there just wasn’t enough here to thrill me or keep me riveted.

DEMONICA (2014)

You have to be a very special person to appreciate this low budget Night of the Demons rip-off…that takes place in the 80s…in a roller rink…with a roller derby battle to the death between mortals and demons…and an appearance by Linnea Quigley as an occult shop owner. In other words, you have to be someone like me.

The horrible intro takes place “many years ago” and looks like a bad local theatre production.

Cut to 1986, and there’s a lot of uninteresting talk between kids getting prepared for a roller rink party.

A goth girl gets hold of an ancient necklace, she turns demon, kids start to have sex, and that’s when things get cheesy fun.

For me, a lesbian subplot steals the show and delivers the funniest moments.

The first guy who encounters the demon does so in a bathroom in what is clearly a nod to Linnea’s scene in Night of the Demons, but instead of lipstick through the tit, we get a dick bite scene, the goriest exploitation moment in the film.

The demons simply have gray face paint and contacts, along with a demon voice filter, so you can’t expect anything intensely scary here. Not that I need to say that since it should have been clear when I mentioned the roller derby battle…

This film so should have been called Night of the Demon Derby.

P.O.V (2014)

It’s Night of the Demons done found found footage style. The mere fact that the demons are creepy enough to satisfy me since this is one of my favorite horror subgenres makes it more enjoyable than a majority of the found footage crap I watch.

Guys take their buddy on a surprise road trip, during which they have a conversation about whether or not sleeping with a woman who used to be a man means you’re gay. Making clear this isn’t an offensive discussion, one of the guys says, “Nothing against gays, but….”. He left out the “nothing against trans people” part.

They arrive at a house to party with a bunch of girls, they hang out and argue, there’s a story about the history of the house, yada-yada-yada…

Then the guy behind the camera begins seeing everyone as demons during a dancing montage scene. Awesome.

This straightforward demon flick goes the FPS video game route, with tight, claustrophobic shots through narrow halls as he continuously runs into demons and takes them down with a variety of weapons, including a sledgehammer, wrench, gun…

The plot is thin, and the twist at the end is predictable, so it’s all about the demon thrills. Just how I like my horror these days.

HAUNTING ON FRATERNITY ROW (2018)

When a movie begins with loads of cute, shirtless college boys (including Puck’s adorable younger brother from Glee) pranking each other with bunny costumes and dildos, I know I’m in for a good time, even if the movie sux.

Luckily, Haunting on Fraternity Row doesn’t suck if you stick with it.

Boys throwing a kickass party in their frat house accidentally unleash a smoky cloud demon by knocking a hole in a basement wall when they drop a keg down the stairs.


No, it’s not an image from my last colonoscopy.

Pacing is the main issue here. A good chunk of the movie feels like watching Jersey Shore with an occasional demon ghost sighting thrown in.

It really takes forever for the good stuff to hit, and the banter between frat boys and babes isn’t compelling or relevant to the plot, and there are way too many prank scare moments.

However, bonus points for plenty of sexy moments. Plus, the shadowy demon appearances are awesome, with some tight special effects.

The movie fluidly moves between standard 3rd person POV and found footage style presentation, which is used to great effect here.

I also couldn’t help notice that it’s usually bad news for anyone who enters a bathroom in the house. I don’t think it was intentional on the filmmaker’s part…it just becomes a pattern I couldn’t help notice! Coincidentally, a gouged out eyes theme used in P.O.V is also used in this movie. It looks like the same exact special effects team did the work.

When all hell breaks loose (finally), the film delivers all the body count horror you’ve been waiting for, and it’s loads of fun. Camera angles create suspenseful shots as kids are tossed all around and slaughtered by the demon. There are even some twists you won’t see coming.

The only thing that I found very unbelievable is that the black dude in the bunch sees the horrifying demon early on and doesn’t leave the house immediately. Plus, instead of running out the door when the massacre begins, he runs upstairs to warn his friends. I’m sorry, but black dudes are smarter than that…which tells me I was probably a black dude in a previous life.

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Do you dare answer the crisis hotline?

Posted on May 20, 2019 by Daniel

The poster art for the gay film Crisis Hotline is a bit deceiving. Don’t expect to see any blood. Although I’m adding it to the homo horror movies page, this is more psychological thriller than horror movie, and any “bad stuff” that happens is implied. And as with many low budget gay thrillers, there’s barely anything besides talk and some erotic moments. Not even sex or nudity get much screen time, which some might find a refreshing change of pace for a gay film…except for the fact that the whole premise is built specifically around sexual situations in this case.

This type of film structure is just not really my thing, and it’s a frustrating issue that plagues so many gay thrillers. The stories might be better presented as novels, because they’d work more effectively that way (hell, the boys and bears in my gay horror novels never shut up). Dialogue alone–especially delivered over a phone–isn’t enough to create suspense on celluloid (case in point…the agonizing Pontypool), instead doing the opposite…weighing things down when thrillers need to be fast-paced to truly keep you on the edge of your seat.

Granted, I did want to know where things were heading, because as Crisis Hotline unfolds, it kind of takes the form of a rape/revenge flick…with both being suggested rather than seen. There’s nothing exploitative to be found here, and as a result, the film has a disappointingly anticlimactic denouement.

The plot concerns workers at an LGBTQ hotline getting a call from a young, suicidal man. He sounds creepy enough when things start, but that wears off quickly.

The film is told mostly as a flashback as he relates what led to him making the call…he moves into the city, gets a job and apartment, and through his new boyfriend, becomes immersed in a gay, white, upper class circle with an ominous edge.

The film definitely hits all the hot buttons of gay life: monogamy, ageism, predatory paranoia, eroticism, pornography, safe sex practices, drugs, and the dangers of metropolitan life. That’s kind of the problem—cliché and stereotypical plot points that have been covered ad nauseam in gay narratives (I was reminded of the film Seeing Heaven). It is perhaps intriguing to newly out viewers, but seasoned gay horror and thriller fans really need stories that aren’t obsessed with tired gay issues.

For instance, Crisis Hotline flirts with the dark web at the last minute when, quite frankly, what would have been more original is to have an entire gay thriller focused on the gay horrors that might be found on the dark web, which naturally would have required a bigger budget. I guess that will just have to be someone else’s movie.

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3 anthologies with terror in the title…

Posted on May 18, 2019 by Daniel

But is there TERROR in the tales? I take a look at Terror 5, Terror Tales, and Terror Telly.

TERROR 5 (2016)

Running only 76 minutes long, Terror 5 is sort of an anthology tied to an overarching story of politicians on trial, accused of being responsible for the collapse of a building in a city.

None of it made much sense to me, and the tales weren’t exactly cohesive stories…just “situations”. After a while I couldn’t tell when one tale ended and another began.

In one story, a young couple goes on a date at their school at night, where students are enacting revenge on their teachers.

Next, a guy dressed as Gene Simmons plays mind games with some young people about snuff films being real. Meanwhile, a couple at a hotel is actually being filmed having sex. It’s sort of like two situations that eventually come together.

Just when you think thing can’t get any weirder, zombies with glowing eyes show up and begin terrorizing the city during a vigil for those who died in the building collapse.

The film is well produced, but I just couldn’t find enough to enjoy about it.

TERROR TALES (2016)

This is a pretty lofty undertaking that is, however, clearly made on an indie budget. For that reason alone, some of the budget could have been reallocated for quality over quantity; the film runs two unnecessary hours long! Horror movies in general should not be two hours long, even more so if it’s an anthology that only has three stories.

The wraparound is about a nut who car jacks a guy then tells him horror stories…

1st story – Lynn Lowry stars in a tale that’s sort of like A Christmas Carol if Ebenezer were a woman who lost her son and the three ghosts were a single demon that came to fuck with her head. I didn’t totally understand the story, but the demon was cool and would have been even freakier if it were in dark lighting rather than bright light.

2nd story – this one looks like it was shot on video in an actual holdover video store still in business since the 80s. That’s part of its charm. It takes place in the 80s, and I think the extras were probably also holdovers from the 80s who never grew out of their high school existence, because they look genuinely 80s.

Anyway, it’s a tale about a sledgehammer killer pounding the fuck out of the heads of video store customers. The practical gore kicks ass, and Jonathan Tiersten of Sleepaway Camp makes an appearance.

3rd story – the last tale is all over the place, but there’s so much horror packed into it I don’t even care. We get a possessed girl, an exorcism, a possessed woman chained up in a basement, Felissa Rose of Sleepaway Camp as an awesome witch, and a giant demon. Fun fun fun.

The conclusion of the wraparound is also loaded with midnight movie horror insanity. The guy who plays the nut in the wraparound gives one of the strongest performances in the entire movie. Plus I want to like his pecs for a few hours.

TERROR TELLY (2012)

This is merely a bonus anthology in this blog because I almost turned it off. However, because it only runs 59 minutes, I sat through it.

A Bon Jovi goes goth dude hosts in black and white, and there are also some really bad mock commercial interruptions.

1st story – Also black and white, this is a campy story about a mad scientist who creates  a Frankenstein monster that becomes possessed and needs an exorcism. It’s silly dumb with some shit humor, but the possessed monster did make me laugh.

2nd story – I think this is supposed to be an outer space story, but it’s really just three people standing around talking with no plot.

3rd story – WTF? This one begins with a dude metal detecting on a beach and then the host cuts in and says it is too scary a story to finish. Not funny or cute and just an absurd way to fill an already short run time.

4th story – WTF? A dude takes a drink and gets sick in the bathroom sink. That’s it.

5th story – It’s supposed to be Halloween. A cute dude is home alone and enters a creepy, small closet door, where he finds some scary tools. From there we get a series of macabre images flashing on screen and I didn’t understand any of it.

Honestly, the most entertaining scene to me is a final clip of a dude using the hand of a severed arm to jerk himself off while chewing on the shoulder end. it’s disgusting for sure, but it gets points simply for being fucked up clever.

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Exploring some familiar territory with 3 backwoods horror slashers

Posted on May 12, 2019 by Daniel

I was due for a good dose of satisfying slashers, and Scathing, Bride of Scarecrow, and Spiker definitely satisfied in a comfort food kind of way.

SCATHING (2016)

 

Since this one comes from the director of Halloween at Aunt Ethel’s, one of my recent faves, I figured I was in good hands, and I was right as far as the quality of the horror that’s delivered. In its best moments, Scathing is a fantastically gruesome and grisly backwoods horror flick that uses practical effects spectacularly.

Having said that, I can’t deny that the film is also about as derivative as it gets. It’s every backwoods horror flick you’ve seen blended with a touch of High Tension and Penny Dreadful.

A young woman sneaks out of the house to meet her boyfriend, and they go parking in an isolated area.

The next morning their car won’t start, so they go into a shed they spot nearby for tools. Naturally it’s the lair of a big, slimy, ominous dude who wears a welding mask and carries a brutal pronged weapon.

Basically, he keeps them trapped in their car and sits in the shed watching them like Cujo salivating over Dee Wallace. That’s the most frustrating thing about this film. The boy and girl have endless opportunity to just get out of the car and run for their lives, but they never do.

Only a few other people come into the picture to be heinously mutilated, but it’s more than enough to totally satisfy and keep the movie going.

And despite the predictability, attention to minor details gives this some really strong, unique moments that you don’t see in just any backwoods horror flick, including the killer doing some deliciously messed up stuff to fuck with his victims.

BRIDE OF SCARECROW (2018)

I was waiting for Bride of Scarecrow to hit Prime after having seen Curse of the Scarecrow. This sequel takes the same basic approach of the original and simply creates a more complex backstory for the scarecrow…he had a bride who was also killed by angry locals.

As should be expected, this is a tighter, more polished film, and you don’t even need to see the first film to dive into it. A radio show host learns she has inherited an old farm, so she and her friends go on a road trip to check it out.

The group soon begins to unravel the legend of the scarecrow and becomes convinced the main girl is the reincarnation of the bride of scarecrow. I’m convinced she’s the reincarnation of Alexis Arquette.

There’s plenty of atmosphere in the barn as the scarecrow hides in the shadows watching the friends explore and have a séance.

But the best show he gets is when the main girl has sex with her sizzling hot boyfriend.

And that is when the scarecrow gets jealous enough to finally start killing people. It’s very late in the movie, problem being there just aren’t enough victims to kill any of them any earlier.

The most ridiculous thing is that as soon as the friends begin suspecting something is really wrong, they all split up! And things get kind of goofy when they become mesmerized by a creepy organ music record that plays by itself and serves as the soundtrack. As a child of the vinyl age, I couldn’t help notice this hit song is on the Epic record label…

The kills are good and the scarecrow even sets up a unique body party, but the battle between the scarecrow and the boyfriend is unintentionally funny, with the entire sequence being absurdly melodramatic.

SPIKER (2007)

This one was filmed and takes place on my home turf of Long Island. And while it starts out a little rough, the final act kind of kicks ass for a lost film from the conveyor belt of slashers from the beginning of the millennium.

Spiker, who uses train track spikes to kill victims and looks like an albino, escapes while being transferred to a new facility. Most frustrating is that first impressions are everything, so it’s inexcusable that CGI blood splashes are used for the first kill. I immediately assumed that would be the case for the whole film, but it actually does use plenty of practical effects later on.

Tell me if you’ve just heard this one before. A girl is inheriting a house so brings her friends there to check it out.

Wouldn’t you know, they soon discover she looks just like the lover of Spiker. Indeed, we have another killer who wants his bitch back!

In classic slasher style, there’s a creepy dude who warms them to leave. He looks like Mark McGrath dressed as Johnny Depp at his dirtiest.

These kids also have a séance…and then the main girl starts seeing the ghost of the woman she looks like.

Yeah, this supernatural element really spoils the otherwise effective slasher plot. As do the cheesy melodramatic flashbacks to the love story of the killer and his woman.

But once the slashing kicks in, it’s gory fun, loaded with chase scenes and body reveals, and even delivers some unique kills. And the tight spaces in the house setting make for some great camera angles. There’s also a good twist and Spiker is relentless once he gets started.

Too bad about that supernatural aspect, which of course comes back into play at the end.

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Some guy who kills people on Slaughter Drive

Posted on May 8, 2019 by Daniel

If you’re looking for something that strays from the typical slasher formula but still has a body count, juicy gore, and quirky dark humor, you might want to check out Slaughter Drive or Some Guy Who Kills People. Which one gets my vote? Let’s take a look.

SLAUGHTER DRIVE (2017)

Ben Dietels, director and star of Slaughter Drive, appeared in indie horror flick Everyone Must Die! and CarousHELL, so Steve Rudzinski, director of those films, returns the favor and makes a cameo in Ben’s movie.

The basic premise of Slaughter Drive is unique thanks to some odd twists and turns, and the practical gore effects are fantastic. A wannabe filmmaker accidentally films a killer in action in the park, and now the killer is after him. The filmmaker and his friends are determined to figure out whodunit and put a stop to the murders before it’s too late.

Unfortunately, like many indie slashers, there’s a frustratingly weak thread holding the film together. Despite the lack of respect slashers get, plot, pacing, and the script really do matter. A killer, victims, and attempts at goofy humor simply aren’t enough to make a horror comedy a standout.

Slaughter Drive feels virtually like everyone ad-libbed their lines. Problem is, aside from the sound mix making it hard to hear much of the dialogue, the banter between the group of friends—and there’s tons of it—just isn’t funny very often. It kind of feels like you’re sitting in a basement for 102 minutes with nerds who all think they’re funny but are mostly just funny in their own heads.

And 102 minutes? No. Just…NO. Especially when all the dialogue filling the gaps between kills does nothing to entertain or propel the story forward. I implore aspiring horror directors who don’t have a strong background in writing to collaborate with actual writers when making their films. If you have a plot idea, that’s great. Just let a genuine writer compose all the details that bring it together. Narrative and dialogue matter. They really do. Narrative creates the pace and defines the story. Dialogue sets the tone and is crucial for developing characters and making them people we want to love or hate.

There’s not much more I can say here. The kill scenes aren’t atmospheric or scary, but the gore is outstanding. There are knife, axe, and drill kills, plus a bear gets hammered in the eye socket. I’ve always wanted to say that.

And just when you think the messily staged final battle in the woods is the end, there’s a totally bizarre revenge finale that is about as weird as it gets.

SOME GUY WHO KILLS PEOPLE (2011)

The director of the silly creature comedy Monster Island takes a whole new approach to horror with Some Guy Who Kills People. While it delivers some humor and kick ass kills, it’s actually character driven, with an unusual and totally engrossing plot.

I don’t frequently enjoy films presented from the perspective of the lunatic, but here it’s endearing because the main character, played by Kevin Corrigan (of sitcom Grounded for Life), is such a nice fricking guy.

He’s fresh out of the loony bin and living with his mom. He’s scored a job at an ice cream parlor, works with a good friend, reconnects with his young daughter, and begins dating a nice woman (fricking Aunt Hilda from Chilling Adventures of Sabrina).

He seems to be getting his life together, but he’s still haunted by a past that gives him a vengeful streak…

And that’s when the bodies start piling up. Barry Bostwick is the sheriff on the case, and to complicate matters, he takes a shine to the main guy’s mother, played by the one and only Karen Black.

The story keeps you watching, and the kills are just icing on the cake. They’re well orchestrated and campy gory good, with Bostwick bringing his shtick to the crime scene after each murder. On top of that, the daughter inserting herself into the main guy’s life adds a refreshing complexity to the usual portrait of a serial killer plot.

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Facing inner demons – Bloody Ballet, The Harrowing, and The Demon Inside

Posted on May 6, 2019 by Daniel

A mix of slasher and the supernatural, Bloody Ballet, The Harrowing, and The Demon Inside really worked as a triple feature for me. Each film has protagonists struggling with their inner demons while the bodies pile up around them, and all three movies are drenched in a rainbow of colorful horror lighting.

BLOODY BALLET (2018)

The director of Bombshell Bloodbath pays homage to the 80s giallo era and wraps it in the neon glow of Suspiria with a splash of Dressed to Kill to enhance the flavor.

A young woman finally gets the lead in The Nutcracker at her dance school, but that’s when a killer in a freaky drag mask and wig starts slicing and dicing all the students with a straight razor.

And in true Euro horror fashion, just because there’s a killer in a mask doesn’t mean there can’t be demons and zombie corpses…

Along with the rich reds, blues, and purples, there’s an 80s synth score, a string of seemingly disjointed sequences that are all effectively menacing, creepy random objects tossed in—like a music box and a scary doll, and camera work that would remind Argento of just how influential he is.

And the murder scenes are gorrific. Don’t expect any CGI, because Bloody Ballet delivers classic 80s practical effects that will make you cringe.

Plus there are appearances by scream queens Caroline Williams and Debbie Rochon. The only thing missing is bad dubbing.

THE HARROWING (2017)

Since this one is from the director of the Halloween horror flick Hallow’s End, I made sure to put it in my watchlist.

This is about as “inner demons” as a movie gets, with the concept molding the entire plot.

A super hot, Henry Rollins type daddy detective experiences what he believes is a supernatural confrontation during a case, and it begins to affect his personal and professional life. Him bound and gagged has definitely affected mine…

His boss, icon Michael Ironside, sends him undercover to an insane asylum, where he is under the watchful eye of the lead doctor, icon Arnold Vosloo.

He has grisly and colorful Silent Hill-esque nightmares, but unfortunately these sequence are about all the horror we get, which isn’t quite enough to move the 110-minute running time along.

The Harrowing plays out mostly like a mystery as the detective tries to investigate strange happenings and disappearances of patients that he believes have something to do with demons.

The movie keeps you watching, but there is absolutely nothing here that isn’t cliché, and you will know right rom the start what the “twist” is going to be.

At least the final scene has some fun demon moments. Plus, our hot dick gets shirtless.

THE DEMON INSIDE (2017)

This one has a lot of “demon in the closet” potential, beginning with a mother’s chilling first encounter with the creature in her child’s bedroom.

There are even several nods to Poltergeist, so it caught my attention. As did the lips of her husband, our leading man.

The movie quickly takes a surprising turn into more campy territory when the wife decides she wants to contact the hunky guys from a ghost hunter show.

And I was fine with that shift in tone. I just feel like it didn’t shift enough, for it could have been a lot more fun and funny than it is.

The crew starts to steal the show right away with some wickedly humorous moments, but just as quickly, the film weirdly skips ahead to after they’ve all been killed or possessed by the demon! WTF?

So much missed opportunity for the bulk of this movie, which then returns focus to the main guy who, despite those luscious lips, simply does not bring on the charismatic hero vibe you would expect. My hopes for an Evil Dead clone were dashed.

Not to mention, despite plenty of red and blue lighting, a plot similar to the closet traveling entity in the Boogeyman 2005, and the characters getting possessed and turning on each other, there are virtually no special effects or horror makeup to deliver any visual chills and thrills.

The Demon Inside is a movie that simply never fully delivers on anything it promises.

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