Sometimes it takes a dark passenger to bring the boys together

Missed this 2004 film when it came out over a decade ago, but when Landers landed on Prime as Dark Passenger, I checked it out because, well, there were cute shirtless guys in the trailer.

That also got me to convince my hubby to watch it, and he actually stuck with me through the whole thing because a) this little indie is bizarrely engrossing, and b) the guys aren’t shirtless until near the end.

I didn’t expect things to begin with an outer space scene. Something is jettisoned to earth and released into the desert. Sure there’s some bad CGI here, but it’s brief and gets the point across. The scene also psyches out the viewer, because you immediately begin anticipating things that don’t exactly transpire.

We learn there is a serial killer going after victims in restroom stalls. Then we meet our two leading men. One is a loser/ex-druggy who reconnects with his successful baseball player buddy. They take a road trip together on a desolate road at night and pick up a strange hitchhiker dude.

While the film is a slow burn, the tight acting really carries it, and you can’t help but watch to see if this creepy hitchhiker dude is going to go all alien on their asses—and how their story is going to tie in with the serial killer subplot that’s always lurking in the background.

This is truly a film you have to pay attention to for it to all make sense at the end. Luckily, I really did pay attention for a change, and together with my hubby, deciphered what we think it all meant when the film came to an abrupt ending. It’s definitely a bit different than your usual horror film and doesn’t spell everything out for you.

There is another intriguing aspect of this film that I may have been reading into simply because I’m ScareBearDan and watch horror from a gay POV (it’s not a choice—I was born that way). There are several instances that had me wondering if it was being subtly implied that the police are contending with a gay serial killer. For starters, at one point the news on the radio reports that the killer is targeting mostly truck drivers in rest stop bathrooms, which immediately made me think of kinky closeted men looking for anonymous sex.

When we first see a victim in a bathroom stall after the police find the body, it’s very easy to be distracted by the gore in the quick glimpse we get. But upon going back to grab screenshots for this blog, I noticed that the body, sitting on a toilet with pants down to its ankles, appears to have hairy legs, but seems to be wearing a frilly female top!

Later, when the three guys take a break at a rest stop, the hitchhiker makes things very uncomfortable by standing between the two leads as they’re at the urinals, with his arms around their shoulders…and then latches their hands together while they’re still pissing.

Minutes after he walks away, we see someone leaving one of the stalls in which there is a dead body once again on the toilet, pants down to ankles. In another oddly intimate moment, the hitchhiker notices the ex-druggy has his nails painted black, asks to borrow the nail polish, and begins painting his own nails as they talk about embracing their own unique identities.

Hey, I could be totally wrong on the gay vibe I was getting, but the gay vibes down below were real when I saw the two leads shirtless. It’s always sexy to see a guy sniffing his sweaty shirt…

And I couldn’t get enough of the cutie with the thick head of hair.

I thought him ridiculously adorable and sexy, especially when he was crawling around on the ground with his jeans hanging off his hips.

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A transgender woman in the house of murderers

I stumbled upon this 70-minute Italian movie about a transgender woman living in a haunted house completely by accident on Prime.

Erika has escaped an abusive relationship and goes to stay at an old house in a country village. We first officially learn that she is trans when she’s speaking with a female friend over video chat and references her man parts.

Attempting to recuperate, Erika soon begins experiencing supernatural occurrences, like slamming doors and sightings of a little girl.

As the scares continue, she and a friend call in a psychic medium to help discover exactly who or what is haunting Erika.

While The House of Murderers has some creepy moments and creepy atmosphere, it’s clearly a low budget effort, drags a bit due to rather drab delivery of lots of dialogue, and doesn’t quite ramp up the suspense or scares enough, so it comes across as more of a supernatural drama. Even though it only runs 70 minutes long, since it does not build the intensity of the ghost attacks to the level of more mainstream ghost movies these days, it might have been more effective as a shorter horror film, especially since it has the kind of zinger ending you’d expect from an episode of a horror anthology series.

As for the transgender subject matter, Erika is a fully realized character who just happens to be trans, which some will applaud, but depending on the sensitivity level of viewers, her portrayal could also be criticized for its darker, edgier aspects.

For instance, she doesn’t exactly have an easy life. She works in the sex industry, doing video performances for clients from the comfort of her own bedroom—so she could be seen as being presented as a sexual fetish or as having a sexualized identity.

However, she befriends and has a sexual relationship with an older man she meets on the street. They spend time quality together, he complements her on being more of a woman than most women in his village, but then…he suddenly becomes violent with her! WTF?

There’s definitely a tug of war with how Erika is portrayed, but in the end, although she’s a victim in various ways, she also has some fight in her…

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Three more from the Into the Dark series

The longer this Hulu “holiday” movie series lingers, the harder it is for me to commit to watching one each month. They just aren’t very compelling to me…and now the series has been picked up for another season. In the meantime, I finally got around to watching May, June, and July, so let’s see how it went.

ALL THAT WE DESTROY (2019)

This one really shouldn’t have been more than a 30-minute segment of an anthology.

Samantha Mathis, the city councilman on the series The Strain, plays a mother who believes her son is doomed to be a serial killer, so she clones a girl for him to kill over and over again in an effort to cure him.

Her son is played by Israel Broussard, the love interest in Happy Death Day. Oh…and the clone girl, played by Dora Madison (Exists, The Honor Farm, Humans vs. Zombies), starts to remember the previous murders after a while.

In other words, it’s Happy Death Day if it wasn’t fun or funny, he were the killer all along, and there wasn’t a rocking’ horror diva main girl. The only bright side is that the song playing every time the girl dies is “Every Time I Think Of You” by John Waite’s 1970s band The Babys.

 

Brings me back to my K-tel Circuit Breaker album from 79.

The crushing blow? The girl in the movie says something along the lines of “My grandmother used to listen to this song all the time.”

THEY COME KNOCKING (2019)

The Father’s Day installment is a little creepier than most of the others…as long as you hang in there for the looooong character development full of flashbacks focusing on a father and his two daughters losing their mother/wife from cancer.

They go on a road trip with a camper, and eventually this turns into The Strangers on wheels for a while (They come knocking on our trailer home door?). The creeps in hoodies that terrorize the family are reminiscent of the kiddies in The Brood, just bigger.

And that’s the best part of the film—the conflict with the creeps in the final act. There’s also a plot point reminiscent of one of the most disturbing aspects of the original Pet Sematary, and it reminds us that the family is still haunted by the death of the mother.

My one big gripe is a standard ScareBearDan pet peeve—stop using “Mockingbird” as the creepy lullaby symbolizing mother/child relationships. No fricking mothers sing that song to their kids anymore.

CULTURE SHOCK (2019)

It was with much trepidation that I went into this one, which is ripped right from today’s immigration headlines. The state of my country and the world weighs so heavy on my soul these days that I avoid news and social media as much as possible—and I still can’t sleep at night. But while this film about a young pregnant woman trying to sneak into the U.S. hits upon many of the most sensitive complexities of the issue, what I’m glad it isn’t is a simple plot of her getting to the U.S. only to be terrorized and tortured by a bunch of white psycho conservatives.

Instead, a good third of the film explores how badly she’s treated by her own people as she makes her journey. While any conservative horror fans that even bother trying to watch this film will blast it as “liberal agenda” (and lose their shit because at least half the film is in Spanish with subtitles), anyone who actually pays attention instead of immediately getting their Bible belt in knots will see that Mexicans are not painted as completely innocent here, and also get some of the blame for their own decisions. For instance, one woman tries to give a younger woman birth control because a baby is the last thing she needs under the conditions in which they’re living, but the girl refuses because she’s a Christian. See, crazy white Christians? Your religion is fucked up even in Spanish.

The premise beyond that is very unique. The main girl gets caught at the border, but wakes up in what is essentially Pleasantville, where white people are lovingly introducing immigrants into the world of white American culture, with the likes of horror veterans Barbara Crampton and Shawn Ashmore leading the charge.

Of course nothing is as rosy as it seems and white people are as foreign and frightening to Mexicans as Americans have been brainwashed to believe Mexicans are, which is what makes this one a unique approach to the subject matter. Not a traditional “scary movie”, Culture Shock nevertheless has a cool concept with some thought-provoking twists. It’s just so topical that it could “trigger” just about anyone on either side of the Divided States of America.

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Back to the 1930s, the 1950s, and the 1960s

Holy crap. The next four oldies I’m covering from my multipack DVD sets go back as far as 1934…which is less than two decades away from being 100 years old! So which were my favorites from this batch? Here’s the rundown.

MANIAC (1934)

Maniac is a perfect example of why I love watching early horror films even if they aren’t going to scare or shock me these days.

Running only 50 minutes long (another reason I love watching old movies), this is an interesting twist on the evil scientist re-animation genre—all the way back in 1934! The evil scientist’s assistant is an ex-entertainer who decides to impersonate the mad scientist and soon becomes an even madder, unlicensed mad scientist! Awesome.

As his dastardly plan spirals out of control, he discovers he’s not the only lunatic in the world, so he draws others into his sinister plot to gather bodies for his experiments.

It might be a sloppy, cheap film, but there are some moments that really struck me. First, there’s what appears to be a total nod to a couple of Edgar Allan Poe tales—the maniac bricks a body up in a wall, and a black cat leaps in with it!

There’s also a shockingly edgy, early take on the horror movie all-girl slumber party scene, with girls giggling and talking while wearing lingerie, one girl soaking in a bathtub with the bathroom door open, and one using a fat burning band machine on her jiggly butt!

THE SCREAMING SKULL (1958)

Coincidently, I recently watched Point of Terror, another film made by this movie’s director over ten years later, but I can definitely say this is more my kind of film, and the kind of black and white horror I love.

It’s shocking that this came out a year before The House on Haunted Hill, because this is very similar in style to the William Castle classic, from long, panning shots of dark rooms and corridors, to the plot of a woman being terrorize by supernatural occurrences only she seems to experience in the house. There’s even a very William Castle intro voiceover warning that the film may kill you! The plot of the film also brought to mind Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte, which didn’t hit until 1964!

A newlywed couple moves into the husband’s old home…where his previous wife died in a pond in the yard. Soon the new wife is being terrorized by a screaming skull! This fricking bonehead even comes knocking on the door at night. Eek!

But is the wife really seeing anything at all? Because the husband never sees it, and the wife has formally been away at a “hospital”.

There are some twists and turns leading up to the final chase through the house and a relentless pursuit by the floating skull in this atmospheric classic.

ANATOMY OF A PSYCHO (1961)

It might have the word psycho in the title, but it’s a real stretch to include this one in a horror movie multipack. It’s just a crime drama turned court drama that has way too much going on.

A dude starts to lose his shit after his brother is given the death penalty for murder. He’s positive his brother is innocent, but his own sister even believes the guilty verdict.

While he begins to snap, convinced everyone is against him (they basically are), there are all kinds of jerks going around doing bad things…like guys with sacks over their heads beating up the son of the D.A., and literally everyone having some connection to the murder case.

Eventually the main guy kills one person, sort of by accident, sort of on purpose, before going on trial. Yawn.

TORMENTED (1960)

Bert I. Gordon, a b-movie horror king for decades, directs this rather cheesy take on the vengeful ghost plot.

The life of an engaged man is turned upside down when his ex comes and threatens to never give him up…before sort of accidentally falling off a lighthouse…

He finds her body the next day. She turns to seaweed. He sees her footprints appearing in the sand. She plays records when he’s trying to play the piano. His new bride finds seaweed on her wedding gown. And finally, the ex’s disembodied head (even though she wasn’t decapitated) starts harassing him and having conversations with him.

This is a mess, with no scares or atmosphere, and while I appreciate the use of that creepy windy whistle music used in so many horror films of the era, an attempt at a scary nightmare sequence is a disaster thanks to some jazzy, West Side Story sounding score.

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Christmas in July: ‘Twas the night of The Night Sitter

Yay! It’s another Christmas horror movie to add to my holiday horror page! Although the title doesn’t acknowledge it, the house in The Night Sitter is aglow with holiday lights. Actually, the characters don’t even acknowledge it. Christmas is just festive background noise.

And while the title suggests another stalked babysitter movie, this one comes with a twist. The darkly comic tone reminds me very much of the Christmas horror flick Better Watch Out, but for me personally, this is a way better film, especially since the character that hasn’t been good for goodness sake isn’t a creepy douche.

A young woman comes to babysit a boy and his friend while their single parents go out on a date together. The boy’s dad, who fancies himself a paranormal investigator, warns the babysitter that his office is off limits. There’s also a kind of nice, kind of odd dude living next door who tries his best to buddy up to her once she’s alone.

But the babysitter has other problems…and plans. When the boy of the house begs her to believe him that something sinister is after him, she does her best to calm his worries and then puts him to bed.

She then invites friends over, people go off to have sex…and wouldn’t you know, the boys sneak into the office and mess with things they shouldn’t, unleashing three witchy entities.

YES! The Night Sitter becomes a blend demon possession movie and supernatural slasher, with bloody kills, likable characters, a good body count, and a fun, subtle sense of humor as the group of kids takes on these evil bitches.

I will definitely be adding this one to my collection when Uncork’d Entertainment releases it on DVD later this summer.

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STREAM QUEEN: rashes and puking, zombie animals, and rockin’ demons

This threesome of random flicks I checked out tickled my horror bone just enough to keep me watching. Here’s a quick rundown of each.

WEAVERFISH (2013)

Weaverfish is such a difficult movie to pigeonhole. Based on the plot, it should logically be considered a horror film, but to even imply it’s a slow burn horror film will leave many horror fans disappointed, because it’s virtually just a melancholy character study with very little happening until the last moment.

The main character narrates the film, and it’s all poetic and meaningful, setting the glum tone that carries all the way through. He and his friends take a boat trip down a river that is known to be contaminated…and then they go swimming in it. Yet they’re surprised when they smell something gross. Well, at least there are no toxic barrels laying around. Oh…

Unlike your usual kids become infected in the woods film, there are no gross transformations, attacks, or flesh eating here. There are loads of conversations, a weird karaoke scene by the campfire, and the main kid coming across as a total closet case every time he’s alone with one of his male friends.

Adding to that impression is the fact that he totally reminded me of Love, Simon.

As for “horror”, we occasionally see glimpses of a masked figure in the background, which keeps us anticipating all hell finally breaking loose. It never does. The kids puke, they get rashes (offering the single ickiest moment in the film), and yet they still just hang around and talk.

I don’t know why I didn’t give up on the film at some point. I just always feel like something simply has to happen in a slow film eventually, and with only minutes left here, there’s finally a turn of events. It jarringly takes us to a whole different situation, but the subtle, understated way in which the final zinger comes on is so compelling I wish that at least something slightly more interesting had happened throughout the film to keep viewers riveted.

ZOOMBIES 2 (2019)

   

The director of The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, one of my faves, handles this sequel to the SyFy original. Now if you’ve seen the first Zoombies and go into a sequel that went virtually unnoticed expecting some sort of work of horror art or at least something that even vaguely lives up to the cheap entertainment value of the first film, you came to the sequel for all the wrong reasons.

It’s as lowbrow as you should expect (although there was a huge anal penetration moment right there after the perfect setup), and I’m surprised it doesn’t get heavy rotation on SyFy.

The CGI effects are as bad as you’d expect, and the zombie zoo animals are hilariously cartoonish. But this is the quality that SyFy has built its brand on, so if you spend boring Sundays just watching endless marathons of their ridiculous nature strikes back creature features, you’ll be more than satisfied with this one when there is nothing else to watch.

Set up is simple…poachers and park rangers team up to survive when the zombie animals attack.

The men are sizzling hot, the kills are hilariously bad, and the scene of the women being terrorized by the CGI zombie porcupines is comedy gold.

THE 27 CLUB (2019)

This is a fun little rock star “demon” indie that takes a fascinating real phenomenon of the music industry and builds it into a fictional horror film. The 27 Club refers to famous rock musicians that have all died at the age of 27—pretty much all the iconic ones you can think of.

The main kid is doing a college paper on the mystery, so references to those rockers are interwoven into the story, but it’s really just a background device, with the focus being on his investigation after a fictional rocker dies at the same age.

We happen to know from the start that it was the work of a cool demon, but it’s up to him to find out as the film progresses. He has a best buddy, he gets a sort of love interest, he tracks down another rocker who never quite hit stardom, there’s a satanic book, and rock legend Todd Rundgren appears as his college professor.

The plot is simple, just as it should be, and the demon action is fun, but I do wish it had kicked in sooner because there’s not enough of it for my tastes, and there aren’t enough victims.

But as a music maniac, I was totally feeling the reality-based approach to the music industry being turned into a demon flick. And the guys showed off their sleazy druggy rocker bods.

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Which witch is wickedest?

The kind of witch flicks I like are hard to come by, but I never stop hunting for them. Here’s how it turned out when I made a double feature out of Antidote and Wicked Witches.

ANTIDOTE (2018)

Killer Instinct is the only other horror movie the director of Antidote has made since 2001, and it kind of shows. I simply can’t imagine what he was going for with this movie. It doesn’t know if it wants to be a horror movie or an action flick, so instead tries to separate the two as much as possible, leaving us with two entirely different styles of film, both of which feel incomplete.

Adorable former wrestler Randy Couture is some sort of Indiana Jones treasure hunter in Mexico (so naturally the movie needs to be referenced in the dialogue). When he is first introduced in a bar, we get freeze-frame title intros (The Treasure Hunter, The Side Kick, The Love Interest, etc.) during a brawl. It’s a weird and unnecessary device to use in a movie that isn’t clever, exclusively action, or grindhouse at all.

Then we meet a couple trying to save pregnant women and children in a Mexican village from some sort of infection. They keep running into women who look at them with glowing red eyes and then whisper some sort of warning to them about the witch. Best part: the dude and his buddy get shirtless.

So the female lead tries to research witches. That’s about it. And when she goes all Beauty Shop attitude on another healthcare worker complete with the finger wave and head movements, I didn’t know if I was supposed to laugh or stop watching the film.

I probably should have stopped watching.

While wandering through the wilderness, Couture occasionally runs into the couple, warns them the witches are after them, and tells them he doesn’t give a shit and to deal with it themselves.

Nothing continues to happen, the two storylines eventually converge at a temple where we get a brief moment with the queen witch, and then the movie comes to an abrupt conclusion, the tone once again leaving me with no clue as to what this film was going for.

WICKED WITCHES (2019)

I was psyched for this one when I stumbled upon the trailer online. I was quite satisfied when it was all over, and not just because the film only runs a beautiful 75 minutes long.

Wicked Witches doesn’t try to be complicated, so it’s perfect for horror simpletons like me. It’s all about the crazy witch bitches tearing guys apart in the woods. Well, not quite. It does try to create atmosphere and a slow burn feel at first, but it’s not as enticing as it could be.

A really cute dude goes to hang out with his buddy at an old farmhouse from their youth. The friend is acting darkly mysterious from the start, so it’s not clear why the main guy isn’t like, “You’re fucked in the head. I’m outta here.”

Instead, he does drugs with the weird buddy and then immediately begins having creepy hallucinations. There are also pretty girls staring strangely at him wherever he goes, but I guess he thinks freaky girls are hot.

We at last get to the good stuff following a very long partying montage with the main guy’s buddies. His weird friend shows up and brings in a bunch of girls to join them, which is when all hell breaks loose.

For a moment I was worried this was going to get lame as hell, because the guys stumble upon a bunch of Blair Witch sticks in the woods, but Wicked Witches does what Blair Witch didn’t: it gets awesome after the sighting of the sticks.

Bloody slaughter, practical effects, crazy witch bitches running around the woods, snarling and flashing their gnarly demon teeth, one cute guy with an axe trying to stop the insanity…this is the kind of horror fun I live for.

In a way, the premise reminds me of Hulu’s Into the Dark installment Treehouse, only much more focused on delivering a midnight movie horror party than bog things down with details.

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Back to the horror of the 1950s and 1960s

My house cleaning blog project of my multipack DVD sets continues with four more films—aliens, creatures, vampires, and crazed killers of the 50s and 60s.

THE MAN FROM PLANET X (1951)

The director of the horror classic The Black Cat brings us a scary spaceman movie that starts off atmospheric and compelling. A reporter heads to an isolated island after a report that a planet is hurling towards earth. He meets the few people that reside there, including some scientists, and a woman, of course.

It’s quite creepy when the woman heads into the wilderness at night after a capsule lands and sees an alien face in its small window. The group at first tries to befriend the alien when it leaves the ship—even trying sign language. Um, Mr. Scientist Man—sign language is a human-made convention. how the fuck would aliens know that form of communication if they don’t speak any human language?

Things get even better when the plot thickens with a sinister plan to target the alien. Unfortunately, it’s all downhill from there. Guys with big guns are called in for a galactic battle. Blah.

THE ANGRY RED PLANET (1959)

A ship sent on a mission to Mars is found in space with only one coherent survivor on board, but she can’t remember a thing. So the crew of the new ship heads out onto the red planet to explore.

This is cheesy, cheap, goofy alien monster madness. For starters, the entire film becomes drenched in red, so creatures like a—giant spider with lobster claws and a wildcat head?—can pretty much be nothing more than an animated cartoon and come across as weird and bizarre.

Thing is, that piece of cheese is the most awesome monster in the whole movie. The others are pretty generic, and there’s way too much boring talking. Eventually the crew brings an amoeba-like life form onto the ship to ignite even more troubles, a plot device that definitely echoes in sci-fi films to this day.

FANGS OF THE LIVING DEAD (1969)

This is just the worst in 1960s vampire/castle melodrama, with some bizarrely out of place humor actually being the best part.

Don’t expect gore or scares. It’s just a woman running around her descendants’ castle acting like a damsel in distress as she learns she’s a member of a vampire family and isn’t allowed to leave the castle. Her fiancé comes looking for her with his comic relief buddy, everyone slowly begins to flash their fangs, and the best part of the film is that one vampire dude straps the fiancé up shirtless…

BONUS: the Igor type butler is a hunk from heaven. Actually, probably from hell. Even better.

THE SADIST (1963)

It’s astounding that The Sadist isn’t revered as a precursor to many of the “wrong turn” films of the present. It may be a little slow at points, but this is virtually a template for the subgenre.

A man, woman, and an older guy are heading to a baseball game when their car breaks down by a deserted service station. After some creepy moments exploring the desolate place, they are confronted by a lunatic with a gun and his crazy girlfriend.

Yeah, the fact that they’re terrorized with a gun for the whole movie is a disappointment, but everything else is classic horror. The dude playing the crazy guy is perfectly maniacal, and for the time the film was made, does some violent and even edgy stuff, such as squeezing the female victim’s boob.

There are several murders (again, gun. blah), some body reveals, and a savage battle to the end with some unexpected twists. And there’s a full circle ending technique that is a staple of the genre even today, relating back to the original (and rather odd) baseball setup.

BONUS: the good guy in the tank top is nice to look at.

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Reliving Resident Evil 2…but not totally déjà vu

It’s no secret that Resident Evil 2 Remake has slightly altered the original experience, doing away with the tank controls and fixed camera angles for a more modern, over-the-shoulder perspective with the flexibility to walk and shoot at the same time, as well as to better target enemies. It’s a necessity, since the baddies are tougher and there are a whole lot more of them on the screen at once…even in “assist” mode.

That’s right. I totally played the game on easy mode (as I always do—but how dare they label me as an “assist” case). To me, survival horror games shouldn’t be high-stress action games. The stress is supposed to come from the fear as you are immersed in a horror movie style experience. And horror movies don’t stop so the main characters can continuously die and try again as they encounter monsters.

Here’s a quick tip for a better experience. When you’re first asked to choose your settings, you have an option as to what color you want your aiming reticle to be. Some very wrong person online claimed you should choose white. NOPE. Considering you spend much of the game in a flashlight beam, that shit disappears! Another option is red. NOPE. That shit disappears into the blood red chaos. The color you want is the final option: neon green. Can’t miss it. EVER.

Believe me, the game is still a challenge on assist. Beginning with Claire—who always had the easier game in the original—I was thrust into a battle with zombies almost immediately in an awesome, expanded opener that sees you stopping at an eerily quiet gas station convenience store alone before the initial crash that separates you and Leon. Claire has a gun but very few bullets, and the place is fricking dark as hell!


Damn you for separating us,
chain link fence I could climb over with ease as a kid….

Once you meet up with Leon and are then forced to split up, the terror truly begins in the good old Raccoon City Police Station. If you’ve played the PS1 game, the general layout is quite familiar, especially the comforting save typewriter and item box in the main entrance. Even more comforting…there are no ink ribbons. You just go right up to that typewriter whenever you feel like it and save to your heart’s content. By the end of the game, my heart was very content. Plus, the item boxes are as magical as they were in the original: unlimited storage, and they teleport your shit from one item box to another. And you’ll need that convenience, because your number of item slots is abysmal.

Because you feel so incredibly at home, the game does something quite mean. It makes a whole lot of the place super dark, and all you have for illumination is the flashlight that automatically comes on when you step into unlit areas (you have no control over when you can turn it on).

But back to the item slots. Even after you begin finding add-on hip pouches, each of which gives you an additional 2 slots, it seems you require more slots than before. And there’s a good reason for that.

Aside from the usual puzzle pieces you need to carry with you, you need to have a whole lot of ammo on you if you want to kill zombies. It takes multiple shots to the head most of the time to take them down, and if you’re lucky, they won’t get back up! Because they do. A lot. So you’re never really sure if you’ve killed them unless you get a perfect head shot, which makes their heads explode. Oddly enough, I only seemed able to accomplish that when I was actually much farther away from them OR if they were on the ground already, face down. Yes, shooting them in the back of the head seems to bust those brains, not shooting them in the face if they’re lying belly-up. Weird.

The other issue with zombies is that they are extra fast at latching on to you when you try to avoid them, even on easy. And there’s no simple button mashing technique to shake them free. If they grab you they bite you, and your health goes down fast, which means it’s always good to fill a couple of those item slots with health. You can stop zombies from chomping on you if you have a knife on you and hit the right button combination. Your stab temporarily knocks them down, but doesn’t kill them. In fact, you can’t kill them with a knife, because if you get close enough to swipe at them, they grab you. Not to mention, the knife isn’t an unlimited weapon. You have to find knives, and they have a limited life span. When you do defensively stab a zombie with one, don’t forget to retrieve it from the zombie when he’s down, because he takes it with him, carrying it either in his chest or his jugular.

Luckily, in easy mode a) your health actually goes up automatically a bit after a few minutes if you’re not hurt, giving you a fighting chance, and b) there’s a good supply of ammo to find. I’ve seen suggestions of running around enemies to save ammo, but I’ll tell you right now, if you do that you have to constantly run past them again, often in the dark, increasing your chances of getting bitten. Plus, they end up being in the way later when you have to make runs through the same areas while being chased by bigger enemies, which totally doesn’t work to your advantage. Kill the zombies early on and you can take your time to focus on the tasks at hand in quiet areas for a while.

How about those lickers? Damn, they are hard. As Claire, I luckily got the grenade launcher early on, so I used the fuck out of that thing to blow them away. While you feel as if you’re wasting ammo you’ll need later for bigger enemies, you find several strengths of gun powder everywhere, and you can mix them to make more heavy ammo. Even so, by the end of the game, I was running low and am shocked I even finished. Thanks, assist mode. You really assisted my ass.

Throughout most of your time in the police station, lickers and zombies are your only worry. That is until you unleash Tyrant. Rather than a guy who pops up inconveniently every now and then and can be put to rest for a while with heavy artillery, once you trigger his first attack, it becomes a continuous attack. That’s right, things get very Clock Tower for a while. And it’s hell. You have to run for your life through various rooms (good thing you killed all those zombies), hoping to get far enough away so he’ll temporarily lose you. If you run into a save room, he can’t come in there (except the main entrance, that doesn’t count as a save room). Therefore, I found myself just hiding out in save rooms, terrified to leave, because you can hear Tyrant’s footsteps outside, but there’s really no telling where he is unless you venture out there. When you do, not only do you realize you’ve run so far off course from your initial goal that you can barely remember how to get back there, but you have to do it while making sure to still avoid him. You have to do everything while making sure to avoid him, including puzzles and other tasks.

Tyrant’s chase does eventually come to a close when you move on to another area of the game, so that’s the only thing that kept me going. NOW, here’s something I learned only after playing my Claire game that makes it infuriating that I didn’t read a walkthrough since I assumed I pretty much knew the game from the good old days. There’s a certain spot in the game that triggers Tyrant. If you avoid that place and tasks in that area entirely until you are completely done exploring the police station, you can do it Tyrant free. Otherwise, like me, you will simply rush through the station just to get to the part where you get out of it. It’s devastating how much I missed in the police station due to bailing on it early. And once you leave, there’s no going back.

You do get to the underground lab for the final act of the game, but here’s the cool part. You visit a tiny bit of the actual city on your way there in this remake. One of only few new sections of the game involves your interactive time with little Sherry. Unlike her task avoiding zombies in the minor part in the original game, here she is kidnapped by a bad man and taken to an orphanage where she is held captive. The goal in her part is to escape the place without being caught by him.

And after that minor tedious segment (stealth, all stealth—and running, and screaming), Claire has to go meet her there. Out on the street you have some awesome encounters with the zombie dogs, but sadly it’s a short-lived segment, because the dang orphanage is right up the street!

The passage to the labs is now at the orphanage. As if I didn’t already hate the sewers, they’ve been totally revamped here and they’re worse—gross and terrifying. You wade through hip-high shit (seriously) and encounter some humongous monsters that rise from the doodoo depths. Blech.

After all that, it’s actually a relief to enter the lab, which is quite similar in layout to the original game.

There are lickers and zombies, and the final dreaded enemy—the plant monsters. What’s really cool about them now is that they no longer look like mini-me Audrey II plants just rooted in the hallways. They are actual zombies mutated into plants. Problem is, I learned the hard way (or the head go away way) that they are one-hit kills. Go near them and they grab you and chomp your head off. Argh! And you want to use powerful weapons that ignite fires to kill them completely. They need to be burned to a crisp or they will get back up.

Other than those bastards, the final act is relatively easy. Like, so easy that I was running low on powerful weapons and I took out every form of final boss on ONE try. Again, thank you assist mode.

Next, it was time to move on to Leon’s game. Here is where I made a decision I should have in the first place. I bought the DLC that includes a swap out of the original soundtrack music and some familiar sound effects from the original game, and life is all that much better because of it. I can’t even recall the music, if any, used as the remake soundtrack, but as soon as I began the game with Leon and the original music, it was drastically more atmospheric and scary. And there’s nothing like that peaceful save music, which is completely missing on the remake soundtrack. It is shameful that the classic soundtrack wasn’t included with the game, because it honestly fixes the feel of the game. Something is lacking with the new music and effects, which don’t highlight the tension at all. Hell, you don’t even get the ominous “Resident Evil” voice on the start page unless you get the original soundtrack.

The DLC also gives you costumes swaps for Claire and Leon (including a sheriff outfit for Leon blatantly ripped off from The Walking Dead), as well as the instant availability of the Samurai Edge handgun. What a waste. Other than the fact that it starts you off with a 12-round capacity instead of 5 like your regular handgun, the regular handgun has upgrades that eventually make it faster and more powerful than the Samurai Edge!

Perhaps because I started from a continue save, Leon’s opener was just a recap of what happens when he first meets Claire, therefore I didn’t have to go through any of the shit she does. I assume you do get your own challenging intro if you choose to play as him for the first run. Looks like another play through is in my future.

Once you take control of Leon, you are immediately thrust into a fresh scenario in your effort to get into the police station, and you can access some areas Claire can’t. You’ll also notice zombies take even more bullets before they die. Argh! And it seems you find less ammo. Not to mention, the first time you encounter lickers, you only have a handgun! FUCK ME.

You’re basically playing the same exact game as Claire’s for a while, just like in the original PS1 game. A majority of the tasks, puzzles, and locker codes are the same as the first run, however, the order of tasks is a bit different, doors she unlocked are now open for you, and there’s no typewriter or item box in the main entrance! That really ups the challenge. I depended on that damn stuff. What the hell? Did Claire take them with her? Why aren’t they there anymore???

Most importantly, Tyrant is more of a challenge here. First of all, even looking up how to avoid triggering him for as long as possible, I discovered there is still a shit load you can’t do in the police station until you do. Tyrant is way more relentless and the sound of his footsteps is not as helpful in warning you where he is. He most definitely makes surprise appearances that catch you off guard. Worse, before heading to the sewers you have to go back to the police station after the parking garage, and it has been replenished with zombies and lickers, plus Tyrant is still around. As terrifying as he is, what the hell is with the hat?

When you get to the parking lot, instead of worrying about Sherry, Leon interacts with Ada Wong. She escorts you to the sewers, so you never go out on the streets. You also have to play as Ada for a while, and it’s a bitch. You have one gun, no health anywhere, and no bullets to find. You have to aim an annoying reader gun at hot spots to unlock shit, and it takes a while to read, which becomes a nightmare when…you’re fucking chased by Tyrant! This section was infuriating.

One good thing is, if like me you didn’t realize a USB stick you used in a computer in the police station had a secret badge key in it that unlocks a box of gun parts right before the sewers, you get to go back to the police station before going to the lab this time. Even better, Tyrant is gone, so you can run around picking up any stray items you may have missed. They’re all marked on the map, which doesn’t turn rooms from red to blue until you’ve done and taken everything you can from them.

When you at last reach the lab, much of the play is exactly the same as the first run. The most delicious change (that I hate) is that you face off against the giant alligator!

Shockingly, it is not an agonizing battle like in the past. The remake makes this a “towards the screen” chase scene. EEK! Not very long and not really hard once you understand the pattern; you merely have to go to the opposite side of where the alligator bites down each time. Once you pass a certain point, the game takes over and does away with the alligator for you!

The other major difference from Clare’s game is that Leon’s final escape from the lab brings on different bosses. First you have to dodge mutated Tyrant on an elevator platform for a certain amount of time (and he has a one shot kill maneuver) until a massive rocket launcher is dropped to finish him off. Then there is a race to escape the lab that is filled with zombies and plant monsters. Finally, you get on a tram and of course you have to go to the back car to fight a monster. Luckily, the rocket launcher might have some rounds left that make quick work of it. This was the easiest final boss ever (on easy).

EXTRA CHAPTERS:

Apparently, there’s a price to be paid for a final easy boss, and it comes in the form of the annoying extra side games. All four are pretty much the same deal—you are given limited weapons, ammo, and health to get through swarms of different monsters as you try to get from your starting point to a specified point in the game. It’s implied that these are timed, but the time goes up, not down. Meaning, all you’re trying to do is finish the chapter in the shortest amount of time as you can. In other words, who fricking cares how long it takes? I just want to finish the chapter.

To make things interesting in these repetitive challenges, each mission features a different setting, different items, and a unique monster or two not in the original game—like glowing eyed zombies that release a noxious purple gas, and white mutation creatures that can’t be killed with weak weapons, which means you need to try to run around them most of the time. Actually, it would be nice if you could run around everything, because this shit is hard, and you will run out of ammo and health. Unfortunately, the paths you travel are usually so narrow you most often have no choice but to kill what’s in your way.

The first side game is called The 4th Survivor, where you play as “Hunk”, the mysterious bonus material character we never really know. And we still don’t. He’s wearing a gas mask. This is assuredly the hardest of the four extra chapters. You have to get from the sewers to the police department, the monsters are plenty, your supplies are few, and…it’s total bullshit that Tyrant starts to chase you relentlessly. Fuck this chapter.

There are three “Ghost Survivors” chapters, each offering a prologue of “what if X character survived”? How would they have escaped Raccoon City? Kind of silly, but, if you want more action and more play time, this is the way to do it. The good thing about these three chapters is that you can choose “training” difficulty to make things much easier—not sure why they didn’t just call it assist—I mean—easy difficulty, because when I discovered this was an option after already playing one chapter and dying on the regular difficulty, I breezed through each chapter. You’re warned that you won’t get points for playing on training difficulty, but who cares, because I don’t even know what points they were talking about. Also giving you an advantage is that there are ways to get extra items—as long as you kill the zombies with the backpacks and then raid the backpacks. The three chapters are:

No Time To Mourn – you play a gun shop owner that appears briefly in the main game, and he’s trying to get to the sewers. Weird thing is, you start at his shop, yet you only take two fricking guns and little ammo with you. WTF? What ammosexual gun shop owner wouldn’t carry half his inventory with him at all times? At times this feels like you’re just following the opposite path you did in The 4th Survivor chapter.

Runaway – you play as the mayor’s adult daughter running around in a negligee. WTF? Anyway, you start at the orphanage you visited briefly in the main game, and you have to get to the prison down in the parking garage.

Forgotten Soldier – you play as another guy in a gas mask who looks just like Hunk. You’re in the Umbrella lab, and you have to make it over to the cable car.

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STREAM QUEEN: Eloise, Ouija House, and Soul to Keep

It’s been a while, but several titles I hadn’t yet seen finally caught my attention on some of the big streaming services. So here’s my brief take on these three.

ELOISE (2016)

It’s yet another movie about a group breaking into an abandoned insane asylum where an evil doctor once performed horrible experiments on inmates.

Mostly what this derivative film has going for it is a bunch of familiar faces, including hot T2 cop Robert Patrick, Eliza Dushku, Chace Crawford, and the guy who played Roofie on the first season of Deadbeat.

After a painful amount of exposition as to why Chace has to break into this asylum, his group gets in and spends a lot of time running around the oddly clean and orderly halls of the derelict building. The best part of this segment is the real light—it’s super dark with just their flashlight beams and constant flashes of lightning coming through windows.

Then the group starts to essentially walk two time periods at once, slowly being drawn into the past when evil Robert Patrick ran the insane asylum.

They literally become part of another time and never seem to question why.

Eliza’s performance is the highlight here.

OUIJA HOUSE (2018)

Another huge cast of familiar faces, but can that save Ouija House? Well, Tiffany Shepis appears for about 2 minutes (as usual). Tara Reid plays a young Dee Wallace. Dee Wallace plays an older Tara Reid. Chris Mulkey plays a caretaker.


For the tenth time, Tiffany, the line is not “When can I get paid?”

Our main girl is writing a book on the paranormal and wants to do witchy stuff at a family home with her friends and her cousin, played by Mischa Barton, who seems like she’s consciously trying not to act or sound like Mischa Barton.


“Whoa! Put down the gun, daddy! All you have to do is ask…”

Don’t read further if you actually want to watch this film, because I have to poke fun at it, which requires spoiling it.

One of the first big twists…one character announces they have cell service. Holy crap.

They find a Ouija board. Mischa describes a family past (in flashbacks) of witchcraft. They use the Ouija board.

There’s a scary doll for no reason. The slut of the group decides they should use her body as a Ouija board because she’s a slut. And then…

After they literally wait around for something to happen as we watch nothing happening, the slut finally goes all demon eyes then routinely gets neck tics before darting off snarling and stopping at particular spots on the walls that have letters hidden behind the paint. That’s because…the entire house is a Ouija board. Hence the title.

Seriously, the rest of this movie is like watching a bunch of high people use their friends as a human planchette, placing their fingers on her and chasing her around as she spells things out using the letters written on the walls. It’s brilliantly ridiculous and super entertaining to watch and laugh at…for a few minutes.

Still, for me, it was worth watching to the end, because despite being in the film for a few minutes, Dee gets to remind us that she is still the queen of screams.

SOUL TO KEEP (2018)

The title is cliché. The film is derivative. If you’re going to do cliché and derivative, Soul to Keep is how you do it. Yeah, I’m talking to you, stud muffin.

A brother and sister bring their friends to the old family house they inherited to hang and party. Observant horror fans will notice various Easter eggs giving a nod to Evil Dead.

The group finds an occult book down in a creepy basement. They decide to do a ritual in the book to summon a demon (doesn’t everyone?), and the goth girl in the group leads the incantation.

Soul to Keep turns into a mashup of Evil Dead and Night of the Demons, with seduction, deep throating demon tongue, a lesbian subplot, an invisible barrier that won’t let them leave the property, and some twists.

Just note, possession fun aside, you do have to pay attention as the truth unfolds during the denouement if you want to understand the excessive flashbacks presented to explain everything.

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