Triple feature from the 1950s and 1960s

Dusting off the decades to bring you this flashback of fear…or not. Let’s get into them.

IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE (1953)

It’s a thrill that an old sci-fi flick based on the writings of Ray Bradbury was made in 3D, but unfortunately the Blu-ray release is specifically made for the failed 3D TVs that were hot for like a second and then flopped. There’s no classic red/blue glasses option, leaving me to watch this one in 2D.

I’d say it’s just as enjoyable. This is the epitome of sci-fi scary of the 50s, right down to that eerie whistling alien music effect. Love it.

A hetero couple sees something crash to earth through their telescope. When they head into the wilderness to check it out, the man goes into the crater and sees a one-eyed monster in a spaceship before it is buried by an avalanche.

No one believes him.

But the people in town start to change. This is Invasion of the Body Snatchers without the pods. We get plenty of one-eyed POV as numerous people are attacked in a swirl of smoke machines on an isolated desert road, including none other than the professor from Gilligan’s Island.

There are some truly creepy scenes in this little film, even if it is as cliché as they come by today’s standards. The action even gets a little silly when a laser shooting rod is whipped out near the end, but we do get to see a space ship make its escape.

THE BRAIN EATERS (1958)

This little sci-fi horror flick also has elements of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, plus hints of Invaders from Mars and various other alien life form movies of the era. It’s pretty low budget and not big on special effects or even alien pay-off, but it’s only an hour, so it’s a fun watch if you’re hankering for some old school drive-in thrills.

Interestingly, it takes place in a town called Riverdale. I wonder what Archie felt about that back then. A conical metal structure appears in the woods, the mayor goes missing, there are some mysterious murders, and a senator comes to see what’s up. The cone is indestructible, so the senator kind of demands that a scientist just get his ass in there and see what’s up.

That’s like a senator today being like, “COVID is fake! Don’t believe the scientists! Hey, scientist, inject yourself with this COVID virus and see what happens.”

Law enforcement and scientists soon discover there are parasites attaching themselves to the backs of victims necks. The kicker? We never get to see the attaching action! Yawn.

It’s really rather lame as a result, but there is a trio of guys in a sort of hypnotic state that goes around with a fish bowl of these parasites to attach to the necks of others. That’s about as scary as it gets, including a parasite POV when they release one into the bedroom window of a sleeping woman.

Eventually we get a glimpse of these hairy critters they call leeches in the movie. Most interesting is the sort of god-like spokesperson who shows up at the end to explain why the aliens are there, offering a cool sci-fi philosophy.

The bottom line is that humans spend so much time looking for strife rather than peace and harmony. In other words, shit never changes for us miserable fucking human beings.

EYE OF THE DEVIL (1966)

This is an okay occult sacrifice and ritual film that definitely shows signs of things to come in later movies, but it’s generally tame and not very compelling.

A man is called to one of his vineyards because the crops are all dried up. He tells his wife to stay home, but she instead surprises him with the kids in tow.

She soon fears something is very wrong at the vineyard. There’s a weird on site priest played by Donald Pleasence. There’s a creepy pretty pair lurking around and terrorizing her—a dude who is good with a bow and arrow and a young, beautiful Sharon Tate, who bewitches the children. So tragic that Sharon was murdered. She sizzled on screen in this minor role and could have become quite a horror icon.

There’s also a cult in black robes that makes the wife’s life miserable as she tries to unravel the mysteries behind the land. A scene of her being hunted by them in the woods is the horror highlight for me.

Although there are plenty of pagan aspects to the plot, when it comes down to it, there’s a major religious aspect behind the attempt by the staff to resurrect the grape vines.

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Ghosts on a boat, a killer girl group, and sexy vampires

I’ve added a handful of new movies to my Blu-ray collection, mostly from the 2000s, but I’ll reach back to the 90s once for this post due to an original/remake double feature. Let’s get into them.

GHOST SHIP (2002)

You gotta love a movie famous for having a kick-ass opening scene…and then turning into such a derivative supernatural snoozefest after. Yes, the opening is the only reason I felt compelled to finally add Ghost Ship to my collection.

That amazing scene helped launch the trend of people getting cleanly sliced in pieces in horror movies. Beyond saying that a cable goes rogue on the dance floor of a cruise ship, it’s best to show the impact with pictures.

Next we meet an all-star ocean salvage crew including the likes of Gabriel Byrne, Julianna Margulies, and that homophobe Isaiah Washington. They stumble upon a giant empty ship and board it.

As the group splits up and each member has a unique haunting experience, what transpires is a ridiculously cliché string of horror scares, including rats, a skeleton in a closet, blood dripping from walls, maggots in food, apparitions in mirror reflections, and a little ghost girl.

In fact, watching Ghost Ship and actually struggling to stick with it for the first time in 20 years, I realize it seems to be going for the same vibe as The Shining in many ways. But why watch this when you can just watch The Shining?

POISON IVY: THE SECRET SOCIETY (2008)

I was thinking the imbalance in my life might be due to the fact that I never completed my Poison Ivy collection, so I can now finally experience a fleeting moment of inner peace.

Aside from griping that this isn’t actually a true sequel to the series, the general online whine is that it’s a Lifetime channel movie. But the fact that there are nude scenes in the uncut version on physical disc makes it clear this film was not made for Lifetime. It was made, then censored, than passed off as a Lifetime original.

In truth, it feels like a David DeCoteau skin flick….with chicks instead of dicks. The first scene is a perfect example. We see a pretty young woman running through a dark building in terror. Then we hear her scream but see nothing that transpires to cause that scream.

Next, a pretty blonde named Daisy is making out with her shirtless pretty boy boyfriend in the back of his pickup truck. He just bought her a farm basically, but she has other plans: college!

She heads off to the school where the girl was murdered at the beginning. There’s a bitchy, secret society of girls that targets her when she scores an internship their leader feels entitled to.

But instead of doing direct damage to Daisy, they play her, welcoming her into their group and making her think they are on her side, when actually they plan to take her down. There’s even what feels like a sexual Satanic ritual. I wish.

The leader of the group proves to be a psycho, but it comes way too late in the game to make this an even vaguely fun killer thriller. She literally murders one person if you don’t count the girl from the beginning. Yawn.

EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE (1995)

Come for the vampires, stay for the sex. An erotic/romantic vampire flick, Embrace of the Vampire is a fave with many kids of the 90s because it was the dawning of a new age for Alyssa Milano after her years on Who’s the Boss?.

I finally decided to add this popular title from my days working at the video store to my collection…and then discovered there was a remake and the completist in me would need that one, too.

It has a pretty cool cast, including Martin Kemp of Spandau Ballet as the vampire, and horror veterans Jordan Ladd and Rachel True as Alyssa’s friends on her college campus.

Alyssa plays a virginal good girl who is leaving her cute, New Kids On The Block looking boyfriend with blue balls. But she’s also having sensual dreams about a vampire that wants to have sex with her…and eventually does as her dreams become more and more erotic.

The film is directed by a woman, and the sex scenes are very sensual, with lesbianism, Alyssa’s bodacious boobs, and even man butt.

There are also some non-dream orgies that are just as sexy, and have a totally nineties vibe. Best of all, the man vamp feasts on a couple of men before the film is through in his goal to make Alyssa all his, giving us some hints of homoerotica.

The other good news is that some blood does flow, but this is really a vampire romance with some beautifully shot scenes, not a straight-up vampire flick, so don’t expect hardcore horror here.

EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE (2013)

The remake is directed by a man, who also directed one of my indie zombie faves, Severed: Forest of the Dead. As a result, you come to this one for the horror not for the sex. The opener alone brings on a hardcore vampire attack in colonial days.

In modern times, our main girl has come from a Catholic school, is still virginal, and is attending college on a fencing scholarship. Her coach is sci-fi and horror hottie Victor Webster, who happened to be on Charmed with Alyssa Milano for a while.

He also happens to be the vampire here, but he keeps a low profile for a majority of the film. Instead, our main girl has numerous sexual dreams about her classmates that turn into vampire attack dreams.

We see someone killing off certain characters in practical ways with weapons, and the main girl has to cope with bullies, a pill-popping problem, and a guy she likes who may have ulterior motives.

The sex scenes are okay, but not as sensual as in the first film.

However, although it takes forever for Victor to finally come out of his coffin for some sucking action, when he does (over an hour into the movie) he brings on some kick-ass horror attacks. The horror aspects in the last 30 minutes are so much fun I kind of wish they had been prominently carried throughout the film. I have a feeling most horror fans simply won’t sit tight for the first hour to get to the horror money shots.

What disappointed me was that they cast this gorgeous man as the vampire and then don’t give him any sex scenes!

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HOLIDAY HORRORS: a killer leprechaun, a killer bunny, and a killer on Halloween

Three holidays, three movies to add to the holiday horror page. Let’s get right to them.

THE LEPRECHAUN’S CURSE (2021)

The sequel to The Leprechaun’s Game is its own story, so you don’t need to see the first film to watch it.

This plot is just bizarre. A couple inherits a house and invites their friends over to party. The leprechaun is up to his old tricks trying to reclaim his gold, but the problem is he seems to be planting it on victims that don’t even know anything about gold this time.

In fact, the movie is more about the main guy being a cheater and the main girl’s relationship with her mother.

The leprechaun is virtually an afterthought, and he’s much less of a slasher killer this time. Most of the time he opts to use his magic to just supernaturally choke people to death.

The only satisfying death scene has leprechaun plucking a bitch’s eye out with her own high heel.

And the most laughable moment is when the main girl tries to conquer the leprechaun by teasing him with the promise of a kiss.

EASTER BUNNY MASSACRE (aka: Easter Killing) (2021)

This little indie flick simply checks off all the most obvious slasher clichés, so it will be a welcome addition to your killer bunny Easter weekend marathons each year.

A group of young pretty people is celebrating Easter by a campfire. One girl in particular seems to be a bitch willing to ruin everyone’s lives by exposing their dirty secrets. The most obvious secret right from the moment she threatens to expose it without naming it is that one of the guys is gay. Ah, a closeted gay guy afraid of being outed to his friends in 2021. How antiquated. Even so, it scores this one a spot on the does the gay guy die? page.

Anyway, before she can spill her guts, it is the killer bunny to the rescue to spill her guts for her!

The big, unpolished bunny head is definitely a highlight here compared to the sleek looking bunny masks in other killer bunny movies.

When the group finds her body after passing out for the night, they all have blood on their hands (literally) and can’t remember what happened. So they assume one of them killed her.

Clearly they’ve never seen I Know What You Did Last Summer or dozens of other slashers with a similar setup. Flash ahead and they all get Easter reunion invitations signed by the dead girl…and they all show up! WTF?

There are some tight camera shots of the bunny lurking in the shadows, but don’t expect anything groundbreaking or particularly suspenseful. The group is drawn into an Easter egg hunt that instead leads to tape recordings that slowly chip away at their emotions.

Meanwhile, the bunny starts some okay kills. Other than covering a guy with melted chocolate, there’s nothing mind-blowing or even particularly gory. And it is kind of odd when a chase scene leads into the woods and the bunny has a flashlight!

Instead of a final girl, we get a final boy, and he does some major ass kicking. There’s a classic body reveal party, but the film goes for an excessive exposition final act, as made famous by Scream decades ago.

JACK LANTERN (2017)

This is a low budget indie—as in, the image looks washed out because of lack of proper lighting and the majority of the film looks like it was probably shot in the house of someone involved in making the movie.

On the bright side, it’s totally a Halloween movie.

On Halloween night, a group of friends makes it clear they think one girl is fat, but invite her brother along for a trip to a graveyard because they like him. Sadly, things end tragically for his sister.

Four years later there’s a Halloween party. The same girl who taunted the sister most about being overweight is still a hater, while everyone else is just partying.

Someone in Day of the Dead skeleton makeup comes in, has a weird black and white fantasy about slaughtering everyone at the party right there on the spot, and then starts to make fantasy a reality.

Considering the person in costume isn’t overweight, we know it isn’t the dead sister back from the dead. And because of something else that happens before the party, well, we know exactly who the killer is, so this is not a whodunit at all.

It’s also a very unpolished film that barely feels like it had a script, and the kill scenes are just as rough as all the filler scenes (there’s really not much in the way of entertaining non-death scenes here). If you’re aching for a new Halloween themed horror film, I guess you might as well check it out, but I don’t imagine it’s going to land on your annual Halloween season watchlist.

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NETFLIX AND CHILLS: making all kinds of sacrifices for better or worse

This trio of films is a good reminder of why Netflix is personally not my go-to place for a horror fix. I much prefer the less polished and much more fun indies Prime gets by the dozen. But since I watched them, I’ll let you know what you’re in for with this batch.

RATTLESNAKE (2019)

I decided to check out Rattlesnake because little Appy Pratt is in it, and she ruled in the Kristin Bell series The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window. Unfortunately, little Appy Pratt ends up left behind in a hospital for most of this movie.

A voodoo-esque tale, Rattlesnake is about a single mom on a road trip with her daughter. When they get a flat tire, her daughter is bit by a rattlesnake. A creepy woman in a trailer home nearby helps…and makes the bite vanish.

The mother brings her daughter to the hospital anyway, where she is visited by a man who tells her that she has until end of day to pay him back with a fresh soul, otherwise her daughter’s rattlesnake bite will return and she’ll die.

This become a morality tale as the mother struggles with the task of killing someone…and figuring out who the hell she can kill in the middle of a desert town. There are various supernatural elements to it as she researches the murderous history of the area, but this isn’t much on horror in the end.

I feel the witchy woman in the trailer home is totally wasted—she’s forgotten soon after the mother leaves the trailer home, and none of the other mysterious figures the mother encounters reminding her of what she needs to do along the way can live up to the witchy woman’s presence.

THE SWARM (2020)

I’ve done my best over the decade to forget anything and everything religion has ever taught me, but I imagine there’s some religious metaphor buried in this movie about a single mom who has a rural farm where she raises locusts.

However, from my horror perspective, this is mostly “Let the Right Locust In”. It’s essentially a movie about vampire locusts that demand their keeper protect them and feed them blood on a regular basis.

It’s also really slow, with much of that time being filled with icky close-ups of locusts. I’m itchy just thinking about it.

Eventually the struggling mom accidentally discovers that her suffering herd of locusts is craving blood, so she starts cutting herself to feed them…so she can make money to feed her family. Weird and so symbolic.

You’d think this would quickly turn into a horror movie about a woman feeding humans to her locusts. Instead it drags on and on as she serves as an intravenous bag for them, until they finally attack the family goat (I really don’t understand rural living).

Does that compel her to start feeding them humans? Nope. This turns into a horror movie that would terrify animals. She feeds them a dog. And a cow. So not cool. I thought it was going to become a thing, but finally the secret gets out, the locusts get out, there are minimal attacks on humans, and this damn movie does nothing to ensure that this psycho woman gets what she deserves. I was really dissatisfied by how it ends.

THE OLD WAYS (2020)

This is a slight variation on the same old possession/exorcism theme, approached through the lens of Mexican spirituality and superstitions. It opens with a brief exorcism with a young girl in attendance. The abrupt scare got my hopes up that there would be some fun to come.

Then we meet a reporter who has been abducted by locals while doing a story in the place where her family comes from. These somewhat primitive people believe she is the devil and begin putting her through a series of rituals to try to battle the demon.

Slowly but surely, the reporter sort of gets brainwashed as if by a cult, believing that all the negative aspects of her life are due to the fact that she is indeed possessed. Therefore, she becomes a willing participant in exorcising and defeating the demon within.

It’s an interesting concept that just doesn’t make for a very compelling movie as presented here. If you’re looking for major possession action, you’ve come to the wrong place, but there is a bit of demonic fun crammed into the last few minutes of the film.

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The 1970s horror of Pete Walker

Although I was most familiar with his 1983 horror comedy House of the Long Shadows, in which he brought together horror icons Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, and John Carradine, director Pete Walker made the bulk of his horror films in the 1970s, and it’s astonishing to me that he isn’t more highly regarded as a trailblazer for much of what came after him. particularly in the slasher genre. Let’s take a look at his 1970s output to see why.

THE FLESH AND BLOOD SHOW (1972)

Walker definitely needed to gain some experience, because the title of his first major horror flick raises expectations that he doesn’t deliver.

There’s promise of a slasher in which a group of actors is trapped in a theater with a crazed killer—a plotline we’ve seen many times since. Unfortunately, they’re not trapped in the theater even though they are sleeping there, there are barely any kills, and there’s barely any blood.

The cast spends the majority of the film talking and having sex.

There is one scene with so much promise in which a guy discovers a woman’s head, and when he leaves to get the police, we see the killer’s gloved hand come and fondle the face while we hear a pervy breathing sound. An awesome staple of future slashers to come.

We just needed more of that and we simply don’t get it. We also don’t get much in the way of the group of actors feeling any sense of fear being in a theater where murders are taking place.

The movie is most notable for having a 3D sequence at the end when the killer appears and presents motivation in a flashback. As presented on the Blu-ray, the flashback is in black and white, but if you want to see it in 3D you can watch it as an extra in the bonus features—either on a 3D TV or with red and blue glasses that you have to supply yourself.

While it’s annoying that the 3D sequence isn’t inserted into the actual movie, it’s not even really worth it because there are absolutely no fun gimmicky 3D elements to the sequence.

HOUSE OF WHIPCORD (1974)

This looks like it’s going to be a simple exploitation film, with pretty young women being psychologically and physically abused by butch older women while barely dressed, but House of Whipcord is light on the torture (all the whipping is done behind closed doors) and heavy on situations that have echoed through abduction horror films to this day.

For starters, it begins near the end. A barely dressed and beaten young woman runs through the rain and flags down a trucker. He promises to bring her somewhere safe, and then we are taken back to how she got to the state she’s in.

At an art show for her boyfriend, the young model is horrified to find he has used a nude photo of her for his exhibit. Devastated and humiliated, she is comforted by a handsome young man, who offers to let her come stay at his home and meet his mother. I don’t know, but maybe she should have taken it as a bad sign that his name is Mark E. DeSade. See kiddies? This is what can happen to you when they ban books in school…

The home is an institution in the middle of nowhere, and the girl is soon left in the hands of a butch warden, played perfectly by actress Sheila Keith.

The pretty young thing is forced to strip and shower, and is then placed on trial for her indecency and sentenced. The dude’s crazy mother is running a prison for immoral women! Of course that means any pretty young woman she can get her hands on is manipulated into appearing to be a rule-breaking whore.

The young women begin to work together to bust out of their prison, but they keep getting caught and thrown back in their cells, leading them closer and closer to the death penalty. It is rather annoying that there isn’t a single man in the house other than an elderly, feeble judge, there are only like three old wardens without weapons, and there are about a dozen strong young girls, yet they don’t just revolt and attack the old ladies. Of course then we wouldn’t have a movie.

In the meantime, the main girl’s friend is concerned that she has gone missing and has started searching for her, and eventually begins closing in, leading us towards a healthy dose of insanity during a fatalistic final act—the type of downer twists you didn’t often see in horror movies back then.

FRIGHTMARE (1974)

This is warped 70s horror at its best. It begins in black and white, but this isn’t exactly The Wizard of Oz. A murderous woman and her husband are put on trial and sent to a mental institution instead of given the death sentence.

20 years later they’re out and living on an isolated farm. Somehow they have a daughter together and he has a daughter from a different relationship, who has basically been raising the rebellious younger daughter.

This is some serious psycho family melodrama. The mother is still a killer, offering tarot readings before killing and eating young people. The younger daughter hangs with a rough crowd of bikers, but she’s the roughest of them all and seems to have inherited her mother’s love of killing.

The father is the weakest excuse for a patriarch ever. And his other daughter is barely holding it together, trying to keep her half-sister out of trouble while also trying to curb her stepmother’s hunger for flesh.

Meanwhile, there are some investigators working on a series of murders, which soon leads them in the direction of the family.

It’s a bizarre film with several violent and brutal scenes, but there’s no one in particular to connect with because they’re all dysfunctional messes in their own way. Sheila Keith from House of Whipcord is back as the meat-eating mother, and she is definitely the highlight. She was born to be a horror queen.

HOUSE OF MORTAL SIN (1976)

Now this is how you flip a finger to the mainstream with horror. House of Mortal Sin is simply loaded with plot points defining how religion fucks people up. Oh, and the psycho killer is a priest. Yay!

You know a movie isn’t going to go easy on God when the opening has a distraught girl read the Bible then take a dive out a window.

Next we meet our main girl. She finds out her male friend has become a priest. She wants to talk to him about being forced into an abortion by her asshole boyfriend, but in confessional she spills the beans to some old priest instead.

Turns out this old priest is a nut who wants people to pay for their sins. He makes her life miserable while targeting those around her and making it look like she’s going insane.

Best of all, the message here is that religion is like an infection that spreads. This dude was messed up by his now invalid mother, who forced him to dump a woman and choose a life of celibacy in the priesthood, which totally messed up his moral compass. Awesome.

Pete Walker brings Sheila Keith back yet again as a sinister maid, and he also makes it clear that his thing is to avoid happy endings…

SCHIZO (1976)

The interesting thing about this film is that despite the title and the presentation of the condition as described in the opening narration, the killer seems to actually be suffering from split personality. If you’re a nitpicker about technical psychological terms, you’re going to have to overlook that if you want to enjoy this for the simple stalker/slasher that it is.

The concept is pretty creepy. A weirdo sees the announcement of a figure skater getting married then starts stalking her.

He begins by dropping a bloody machete by her wedding cake, and it just escalates from there, as she’s terrorized by the appearance of bloody weapons wherever she goes.

Along the way, anyone who tries to help her figure out who is stalking her and why meets a gruesome and bloody end.

Unfortunately, for a 110-minute movie, there just aren’t enough of those people.

And to make things all out odd, there’s a scene near the end of the film with a psychic medium getting all bug-eyed and demon-voiced!

It’s definitely out of left field for what is otherwise a basic psychological slasher.

THE COMEBACK (1978)

It is astounding that Pete Walker isn’t considered one of the pioneers of slashers, especially with his final flick of the 70s, which came out the same year as Halloween.

A fricking killer in a creepy granny costume gruesomely hacks up victims with a variety of sharp weapons!

The problem with the film is that it runs too long considering the great kills are few and far between. It begins with a woman showing up at her ex-husband’s house and being brutally slaughtered. Throughout the film, we are occasionally reminded her dead body is still there, slowly rotting and becoming covered with bugs. Icky cool.

Meanwhile, the ex, played by pop singer Jack Jones, also known for singing the theme to The Love Boat, plays…a pop singer.

He is sent by his manager (Bosley of Charlie’s Angels) to record a new album at an old house run by a gardener and maid couple (if you guessed that the maid is played by Sheila Keith, you’d be right).

The pop singer keeps having frightening episodes in the house, from hearing screams to catching glimpses of dead bodies.

And that’s it for a majority of the film. The second kill isn’t until an hour in, and it’s even better than the first kill. And finally, the pop singer faces off against the killer…which leads to a pretty laughable motive involving the killer believing his perverted pop music has a negative effect on young people. A good reminder that adults have been hating on popular music for decades…even music by the guy who sings The Love Boat.

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It happened in the woods

This trio of films from the late teens offers found footage, a home invasion, and bewitching behavior…and it all happens in the woods.

FOUND FOOTAGE 3D (2016)

Found Footage 3D is a meta movie about a group of filmmakers trying to make the first ever 3D found footage horror film.

The Blu-ray offers a 2D option, but considering this is a run-of-the-mill found footage film, the 3D option is the only thing that offers something different beyond the film poking fun at itself.

Actually, that aspect gets a little tired, especially since the film runs too long at 100 minutes…and they left some of the better meta moments on the cutting room floor.

Between extended scenes, outtakes, and deleted scenes in the bonus features on the disc, there’s almost an hour of optional footage that could have been chosen to bring some excitement to the film.

This is an old skool red/blue 3D experience, so you don’t need a 3D TV to enjoy the novelty (wahoo!). Unfortunately, you don’t get anything novel beyond depth. For that reason alone, a deleted scene bashing things flying at the screen in 3D movies should have been included in the movie, because we don’t get any of that. What I’m saying is the 3D is a dud. The whole fricking point of 3D horror movies is for blood and guts to fly at your face.

So what does that leave us with? The cast and crew heads to a supposedly haunted cabin in the woods to make a movie about a couple on the verge of breaking up—and the two leads happen to be in the middle of a breakup. In other words, their script simply becomes reality as they continue filming. The couple does improvise the most thrilling footage of the whole movie though…

There’s very little in the way of strange occurrences before the final fifteen minutes, and the big threat is basically a black ectoplasm blob.

There’s nothing you haven’t seen in other found footage films, and the self-proclaimed first 3D found footage horror film ever refused to get even that right.

TEENAGE WASTELAND (2018)

Despite Teenage Wasteland not being the most polished indie, you can tell there’s a lot of passion behind the project. There are also some original ideas effectively presented, so it definitely kept me watching.

The opener establishes the plot—a group of young “filmmakers” lures unsuspecting victims into their movies and then the camera rolls as they film a real murder.

We then meet our main girl, who is heading to her family cabin for a reunion of sorts. They are quite dysfunctional, but the alcoholic mother won me over with the way she responds to a dude who comes to the door preaching about God.

There are some creepy moments and a few kills leading up to the home invasion, and the kills are given a distinct style—a title card, a switch to a grindhouse filter, and the death scene suddenly playing out in costumes to get us into the heads of these demented filmmakers.

There’s a muscle boy taking care of his killing business naked, but unfortunately it’s in really dark lighting.

The home invasion part is pretty basic and felt kind of rushed, but there’s somewhat of a twist at the end that sets it apart from better-known home invasion flicks.

WITCHES IN THE WOODS (2019)

There’s just nothing new or even scary here to hang on to. I’ve seen it all before, and I’ve seen it done better.

A group of friends is on a road trip to a ski resort. They are forced to take a detour. They find themselves going in circles. They get into an accident. The van is stuck. They’re in the middle of nowhere.

Tensions mount between the friends due to the combination of current circumstances and secrets they’re keeping from each other.

One girl is acting all weird…almost like she’s bewitched. She’s not doing well emotionally and eventually has some sort of seizures. Naturally someone has to go for help, so soon they’re being divided and conquered. Everyone experiences trippy situations, but nothing substantial enough to make sense of it all.

Who will make it out alive once the supernatural mind-fucking begins turning them against each other? Is it worth finding out? I didn’t think so.

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A 1990s monster triple feature

Seems like everything in the horror section of the video store I worked at back in the day skipped the theaters and went straight to VHS. It was a way of life for a whole horror generation. So let’s get into this trio of sci-fi/horror monster movies everyone watched at home back then.

SPLIT SECOND (1992)

The director of the 1981 slasher The Burning came back to do this futuristic sci-fi film in 1992…that takes place in 2008. Trippy.

THE SETUP: global warming has created major levels of pollution and flooding in London. Amazing how these “woke” themes in sci-fi and horror movies didn’t get everyone all worked up back then.

Rutger Hauer plays a hardened cop who lost his partner to a killer that is still on the loose.

It seems Rutger has some sort of psychic link with the killer, so his new rookie partner is told to stick close to him and make sure he hasn’t just lost his mind.

As they investigate, Rutger also has to contend with and keep safe his dead partner’s wife, played by Kim Cattrall.

The film is very uneven. There are occasional action shootouts with a less than human killer we only catch glimpses of, some sexual tension between Kim and Rutger, and hints of buddy cop movie humor, but it’s still a rather poorly paced film until the final act.

That’s when it all comes together. The buddy moments are amplified and finally become more fun, we get a suspenseful battle with the creature (which totally looks like Venom), and Kim suddenly drops the helpless femme fatale act and becomes a brave bitch, joining the final fight in a subway tunnel. Awesome ending.

CARNOSAUR 2 (1995)

I covered the original Carnosaur a while back after inheriting the DVD from my brother, and now I’ve finally added the two sequels to my collection to complete the trilogy. However, these aren’t really sequels, for each movie has its own story. In this one a team is sent by the government to find out why communications have been cut off from an underground facility.

The place seems abandoned, and when the Black guy in the group gets the computers up and running he goes for the ultimate nineties reference: Whoomp! There it is!

There it is indeed. The group soon discovers there are cloned Velociraptors running around the place, making this your standard 90s sci-fi creature feature plot—small team must try to get out alive!

Luckily for them, one teenager was left behind from the original crew, and he knows the place forwards and backwards. The characters are as typical as they come from that era, making this a definite nostalgia comfort flick.

The dinosaurs are cheesy fun if you’re into that sort of thing, and there’s some good, goofy gore along the way later in the film when it finally kicks into high gear. And naturally there are scenes that mimic moments from the Jurassic Park films.

And the other important 90s reference? When the kid is battling a T-Rex with a forklift, his one-liner is: Eat this, Barney!

CARNOSAUR 3 (1996)

This third film in the series feels like a SyFy original. It’s short on substance, big on action.

Horror cutie Stephen Lee has a small role as a military man at the beginning, when his transportation team is shot by terrorists—after some watersports fun.

Then those terrorists discover the cargo they’ve intercepted—Velociraptors! Bye bye terrorists.

Finally, Scott Valentine, best known as Mallory’s man Nick on Family Ties, is in charge of a military team that is ordered by a pretty blonde government scientist (shocker) to capture the dinosaurs alive. They’re going to need to have some eggs for breakfast to keep up their strength…

It’s just mindless shooting, running, screaming, and dinosaur attacks as this silly end to the trilogy delivers big on the monster madness and nothing else. And yes, T-Rex returns to join in on the fun.

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Two video game adaptations and a serious creature feature

A werewolf comedy, a battle with inner demons, and the Resident Evil reboot. My latest triple feature was a total mix of subgenres, so I can appreciate the variety. But did I appreciate the movies? Let’s find out.

WEREWOLVES WITHIN (2021)

I don’t know. Was the video game on which this was based more fun than the movie? This was the most disappointing werewolf movie I’ve watched since The Wolf of Snow Hollow, and only the last fifteen minutes saved it from going the way of that bogus werewolf mess. However, if you loved that one, which many people do, you should check this one out for sure.

So a dude comes to a rural town as the new park ranger. The nice postal woman gives him a tour of all the usual redneck suspects….plus a gay couple that includes Cheyenne Jackson, scoring this a spot on the does the gay guy die? page.

The good news is there are some excellent comedic performances here. The bad news is there’s not enough quality comedy to be performed. And the horror? We don’t see any werewolf for the bulk of the movie, and we are force-fed our scares by raucous orchestral stabs.

Meanwhile, the plot is about a divisive pipeline that is drawing a line between the libs and cons in town. Oh, yay. Just what I need. Social media wars played out in horror comedy form.

The townsfolk basically spend the film holed up together trying to figure out if there’s a werewolf in their midst.

Thankfully in those last fifteen minutes there is, and it’s a blast. If only those fifteen minutes could have been attached to the end of a better horror comedy.

ANTLERS (2021)

A dark, deep dive of a creature feature, Antlers explores themes of sexual abuse, neglect, and drug addiction in a small rural town, which is really what sets it apart from other films of this sort, because it’s a fairly templated plot otherwise.

Keri Russell has returned to her hometown, where she now teaches in the elementary school. One troubled student draws sinister pictures and tells disturbing stories in class, so Keri begins to delve into the details of his home life, which sparks memories of her own traumatic childhood.

Meanwhile, the boy is feeding something locked away in his house. Eek! Eventually, that something gets out. And the more it feeds, the more it begins to grow and morph.

As the body count rises, Keri is determined to save the boy from the type of childhood she ran away from, which means facing off against a very real monster steeped in legend.

The sad plot definitely elevates the typical backwoods horror material, and the film looks great, with eerie atmosphere, excellent performances, and a cool creature.

RESIDENT EVIL: WELCOME TO RACCOON CITY (2021)

I feel like this movie is the love letter to fans of the video games who were hugely disappointed by the first movie over two decades ago. Welcome to Raccoon City is my Rocky Horror. As I watched the 4k disc with the hubby, I constantly called out what should or would happen next. This is the most fun I’ve had with a Resident Evil film since Apocalypse made up for the first film by giving fans of the games exactly what they wanted—scenes lifted right from the games. And yet they hated that movie as much as they hated this movie. The only thing I hate is people.

Welcome to Raccoon City mostly combines the plots of the first two games, taking place partially in the mansion and partially at the police station. For hardcore fans of the series, some exploration of other parts of the city also brought to mind some of the side games like Outbreak.

Many of the original characters are present: Carlos, Jill, Birkin, Chris and Claire, Wesker, and even Resident Evil remake addition Lisa Trevor, although her ominous presence has been drastically re-imagined for this simplified plot. I think they did a good job of streamlining numerous storylines from hours and hours worth of games to make things clearer for a 107-minute film, just as they did with the Silent Hill film (another great video game adaptation people hate).

Welcome to Raccoon City gives us a taste of iconic aspects of Resident Evil:

-zombie Doberman

-a crow

-the truck driver and his crashing truck

-the crashing helicopter

-a licker

-the parking garage in the police station

-re-enactment of the first zombie encounter from the first game

-a nicely replicated stairway in the mansion that had me going, “dude, there’s a save room right around the corner”

-the piano playing trick that opens a secret passage

-the dude locked in a cell down in the basement in the police station

-the blond twins

-the symbolic dragonfly

-the underground lab

-the timer to get out of the lab before it blows

-the underground tram

-the final boss that mutates and keeps coming back

-the knife

-the shotgun

-the handgun, which had me saying “he needs a grenade launcher” to the screen

-the movie hearing me and giving us the always crucial grenade launcher

Most importantly, we get zombies. There is some classic zombie action here, and we even see the progression as normal people become zombies. However, just as in the games, it doesn’t overwhelm the horror moments, leaving room for all the other kinds of horrors the Umbrella Corporation has to offer. And despite that, there’s still so much more material from the games left untapped: sewers, giant spiders, a giant snake, and nemesis, just to name a few. Not to mention an infamous character introduced during the closing credits…

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A journey back to the horror of the early 2000s

Can you believe it has been twenty years since we entered a new millennium? It was a great time for horror…simply because we were leaving 90s horror behind! Unfortunately, you wouldn’t know that by most of the movies I picked for this post.

FEARDOTCOM (2002)

William Malone, the director of 80s sci-fi horror flicks Scared to Death and Creature, jumped back into the horror biz with the remake of House on Haunted Hill in the new millennium and followed it with this disastrous movie.

I don’t blame the direction, I blame the script. Ringu had already been made, and The Ring remake was due out any day, so this film should have been notable for jump-starting the 21st century with modern tech horror about a killer ghost girl reaching victims through the internet rather than a VHS tape. Unfortunately, it fails to exploit the trendy convenience in a way that makes us fear its dark side…at all.

Udo Kier is wasted in an opening kill in which he sees a little girl playing with a big white ball on a subway track and attempts to save her. I’ll also take this moment to mention that Jeffrey Combs is also wasted in a minor background role as a detective at the precinct where our leading man works….

Stephen Dorff is a detective investigating a series of deaths in which the deceased look frozen in fear. He has the help of a Department of Health worker who believes there might be some sort of virus at work.

As they investigate, we are bombarded by flashy clips of a psychotic serial killer, played by Stephen Rea, who tortures his victims before killing them. We also see more victims getting a glimpse of the little girl with the ball before dying.

It all leads to a sinister internet site that has a snuff vibe to it. Those who visit it die 48 hours later. The woman responsible for examining the computers of the deceased suffers paranoid delusions (mostly swarms of bugs chasing her) before seemingly committing suicide. Dorff and the health woman both visit the site and experience the same.

Eventually it all ties in to one of Rea’s victims, who is getting her revenge on those who get off on live torture and death through the internet.

It’s a cool idea. It’s a really cool idea. But nothing gels, there’s no sense of urgency, there are no scares, having a detective as the main character instead of an everyday person creates a disconnect with the audience, and there’s no clear evil threat. This dead woman is never defined as a scary ghost girl like Samara, and we don’t find out until the end that she’s more of a threat than Rea.

THE MANGLER 2 (2002)

There’s no telling why they waited seven years to make a non-related sequel to a film based on a Stephen King short story, but this silly teen horror flick is so 2002 direct-to-DVD. All accept the continuous techno soundtrack, which sounds so 1994.

A computer whiz is sent by her rich, inattentive father to a private school run by Lance Henriksen. Almost immediately she and a handful of other students are assigned to stay on campus while most of the other kids go on a field trip.

Our bored main girl (has she not seen the guys at the pool?) decides to mess with the computers and accidentally hacks into the school’s new security system, inadvertently implanting a killer virus that basically takes over all the wiring around campus and starts killing what few students are around.

Like, the wiring not only controls electronic things, it literally picks up hedge clippers and axes to hack people up.

The sad part is all the kills happen off screen! Yawn.

Pulsing techno beats chase us through the film as the security system chases the kids through the school right up until the end, when the main girl discovers an actual person has been enmeshed with all the wiring. Once again, it feels like 1994.

Two highlights for me in this mess: a) a Black dude says “Suck the crack of my black ass”. Delicious. b) Lance Henriksen quotes a line from a Spice Girls song. Spicy delicious.

THE MANGLER REBORN (2005)

Ignoring the second film, the third film pretends to be a direct sequel to the first film.

Now it seems that the machine that chased and devoured people in the first film has possessed a blue collar worker, and he has to feed it in order to stay alive.

Mostly contained within his house, the film begins with him going on a job and abducting Aimee Brooks of Monster Man, one of my favorite horror comedies.

He takes her back to his place and locks her in a room—I guess the machine has a feeding time.

Meanwhile, Reggie Bannister of Phantasm and his young buddy make the mistake of burglarizing the guy’s house.

But when they realize women are being held captive there, they become the good guys, determined to free them.

It’s a simple little cat and mouse film that, oddly enough, reminded me of Texas Chainsaw Massacre in a way. Not the best flick out there, but there’s some suspense, the guy playing the killer is pretty ominous, and the scenes of the machine devouring people are gory good.

THE LAST WINTER (2006)

I’m not sure what director/actor Larry Fessenden was going for with this environmental horror flick, but what he ended up with was a poor man’s The Thing where absolutely nothing happens until the last ten minutes or so.

A team is sent to a base in the arctic to see if the area is okay for drilling. They spend the whole film arguing over whether or not to report that it is when it’s actually not. Meanwhile, some people go missing, and one guy who walks out at night in a comatose state while naked is the highlight of the film. Nice booty.

Eventually a major accident pushes a few guys to weather the weather to go for help. I don’t know if people are supposed to be seeing things, communicating with aliens, communicating with ghosts or what, but eventually we are presented with what looks like…a giant CGI moose?

The cast includes Ron Perlman, James LeGros, and Connie Britton, but don’t let any of them be a reason for watching this one.

DARD DIVORCE (2007)

This 75-minute movie isn’t so much a horror movie as it is a low budget splatterfest with what feels like a mob plot. In other words, if it weren’t for the great gore, some, delicious male nudity, and even some twisted queer torture that lands it on the does the gay guy die? page, I would have recommended skipping it.

We get some not so necessary background about this woman—her parents were immigrants, she got pregnant at 14, and now she’s an alcoholic. All that really matters is that she goes to pick her kids up from her ex and finds him dying and mumbling something about the kids being taken.

Next thing we know, she’s abducted, tied up, and tortured by a guy who says he doesn’t believe the ex is dead and demands to know “where the money is”. And that’s the plot. This guy tortures her brutally, and then another guy comes and rescues her. The handsome “hero” gets naked and hacks up the first dude’s body in a tub. Mad respect to this dude for just letting it all hang out. Hot. He earns this film a spot on the stud stalking page.

Then we get flashbacks of more torture with partial leather drag and a dude in chains and a gimp mask. All for the money.

Then it’s back to the woman being mutilated while her abuser demands the money! Indeed, it’s just an hour plus of torture to find out why a woman’s ex had money and why everyone wanted it.

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Three from the early teens

Thirsty pretty people, a crazy poor Asian, and Satan’s baby back again. Let’s get into these three.

THIRST (2010)

As a fan of Lacey Chabert and Mercedes McNab in horror flicks, I can safely say it’s okay for those who feel the same about them to skip this one.

This is going to be fast, but it’s also going to have spoilers.

Thirst had an opportunity to go to some horrible places, but sadly it didn’t. The girls and their men are driving through the desert doing a location shoot for Mercedes, who is a wannabe model. They crash and are stranded. Mercedes is hurt bad. They are running out of supplies.

Eventually they start suffering from delusions as hunger and thirst take over. And that’s about it.

They die off one by one until only Lacey is left. And brace yourself for this one…she survives by hydrating herself with one of Mercedes’s breast implants.

I can’t with this movie.

DREAM HOME (2010)

This Asian slasher definitely delivers on brutal, inventive kills for the gore hounds, so I’ll give it credit for that. Other than that, for me it takes one of my least favorite approaches—the “protagonist” is the killer.

I just don’t feel sorry for this bitch, no matter how much the movie goes back into her past between kills (all the way to her fricking childhood) to show us how she had all these dreams of buying a home for her family someday.

Life didn’t work out the way she planned, so she goes on a vicious and cruel murder spree, hacking up victims in a particular apartment building.

There’s no higher moral ground taken here, for she’s just as likely to mutilate a pregnant woman and her husband as she is to dissect a pervy drug addict.

The only satisfaction I got was that quite a few of the victims fought back like hell and did some good damage to her. I rooted for every single one of them and wanted her to die.

ROSEMARY’S BABY (2014)

Borrowing just the skeleton of the original novel and the classic film that closely followed it, this remake will probably only appeal to those looking for an entirely different take on the story, with excessive embellishments.

The original was straightforward. Rosemary and her husband Guy move into an old apartment building rumored to have a history of witchcraft. They become close friends with the elderly couple the Castevets next door. The couple encroaches on their life and basically controls it, supplying them with all the right people to run things for them. Anyone who tries to help or warn Rosemary meets an early demise. Rosemary gets drugged one night, is banged by the devil in a cult orgy, and then spends the rest of the film figuring out that all the tenants in her apartment building are looking to take her baby, and at the end they reveal that her baby is the devil’s son.

So much extra shit was thrown in to stretch this story into a 2-part miniseries. This made-for-TV adaptation starts with a pregnant woman jumping out a window. Then we meet Rosemary, who has moved to France with Guy. She gets mugged and accidentally retrieves the wrong purse, which leads to the apartment building of the Castevets.

The couple soon moves in and befriends the Castevets, who are younger, more sophisticated, and sexier here.

The Castevets give them a cat. There’s a handyman with no tongue. Rosemary witnesses chanting through a window across the way. Guy is a writer instead of an actor. A dude who was already victim to the cult tries to warn them. Mr. Castevets gets shot.

The sex scene with the devil sucks and isn’t at all menacing. There is a pointless scene in the catacombs in France. When she gets pregnant, Rosemary gnaws on raw meat.

It just goes on and on and on to arrive at the same ending with the long ago spoiled reveal of it being Satan’s baby.

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