Killer clowns, killer animatronics, and killer horn dogs

These three aren’t just random selections from my watchlists—they each star Sadie Katz, one of my favorite contemporary b-horror scream queens.

CLOWN FEAR (2020)

Clown Fear has great clown horror atmosphere and some hunky killer clowns, including my horror buddy Marv Blauvelt. I believe this might be his best performance yet. He’s perfect as a beefy, psycho clown.

Sadie Katz stars as a bride about to get married when her fiancé calls off the wedding. So she hits the road with her bridesmaids, and they eventually end up at a desolate hotel that celebrates clowns.

This is a sort of backwoods clown family horror flick with many of the familiar elements you’d expect. The problem is the film is 110 minutes long and doesn’t deliver much in the way of the clowns killing, leaving us with too many scenes padding the runtime. For instance, there are two opening kill scenes, taking place ten years apart. The one from ten years before isn’t all that exciting and doesn’t do anything for the plot.

The wedding scene in which Sadie is dumped also runs too long, with too much dialogue. It’s a launching pad plot point that could have gotten right to it to get the action rolling. There’s also a scene in which the girls go out for a day in the sun and encounter some not so friendly cops. It’s another scene that adds nothing to the movie other than slowing down the pacing. And then there’s a bathtub scene in which a girl with her tits out has a nightmare about the clowns killing her…and she’s never even seen the clowns! It is one of those dream sequences that screams “we know we have pacing issues, so let’s throw in a horror scene by way of a dream”. Argh!

Having said that, there’s a good old sex scene between Sadie and horror hottie Randy Wayne, but unfortunately she spends a good amount of time alone with him (I don’t blame her), so even her role as the main girl gets watered down, and she’s not given a lot of time to show off her horror chops. There are also a few great horror sequences—we just needed more of them.

There are a couple of kills of minor characters, but the bride and bridesmaids don’t get picked off throughout the course of the film, instead having all the terror they experience crammed into the tail end of the final act. It’s just a missed opportunity for a film with a basic “wrong turn” plot and clowns that are so awesomely big and ominous.

WOODS WITCH (2023)

Woods Witch has all the elements at its disposal to be a satisfying, low budget found footage film, including a sexually twisted cult concept as well as a cast of horror veterans including Tom Sizemore, Lisa Wilcox, James Duval, Shawn C. Phillips, Sally Kirkland, Robert LaSardo, and Sadie Katz.

Unfortunately, what begins as an entertaining, slightly off the wall and humorous approach to classic found footage films eventually dissolves into an incoherent mess reminiscent of the tacky shit that Troma and Full Moon have defaulted to in their more current releases.

A small group of influencers decides to go into the woods where there’s a legend of a witch and adults and children have gone missing.

In Blair Witch style, they begin interviewing locals (some of which are funny and campy), but unlike Blair Witch, the stories they offer up do little to establish a backstory or give us the creeps.

Most enticing is a story about a magical tree in the woods that oozes menstrual blood, which you would think is setting us up for some sick shit later on, but you can forget about it, because the movie doesn’t live up to its promises.

The biggest promise is when the influencers finally come upon a commune of sexually charged nature lovers where Sadie Katz is sort of like their madam. It’s a shame she is not utilized in the position considering she is one of few horror actresses these days who is willing to really go for it in her roles. Also underutilized are a hunk with a big dick and a pretty queer boy. They are the most intriguing (and sexy) characters in the whole movie and should have been further exploited to raise the trashy bar this film seemed to be going for.

Inevitably a cult ritual occurs, but it’s just a bunch of nonsense instead of a well-staged sequence. Bummer.

NIGHT OF THE ZOMGHOULS (2022)

Pretty trippy when I started watching this one and noticed about a quarter of the cast is also in Woods Witch. I kind of took that as a sign of what to expect.

This is a weird low budget flick that jumps on the bandwagon of recent movies about animatronics come to life. As simply designed as they are, the “zomghouls” (as the animatronics are called) are the best part and are given some traditional horror vibes and music when they stalk and kill victims. That’s not to say the death scenes are good, because most of them are pretty bland.

The story is somewhat confusing. A serial killer escapes a cop and then sneaks into the arcade/haunted house (that’s how the main location is labeled on the sign) and seems to worship the animatronics or conjure some evil entity or something else. I’m not sure.

Then we meet numerous workers at the arcade. This includes Sadie Katz, who is once again lost in the shuffle. How do you waste the presence of a scream queen in your movie? I just don’t get it.

They have an employee meeting, they all worry about losing their jobs, and they sit around for most of the movie talking. One girl seems to get possessed, and the animatronics kill people once in a while.

We’re also introduced to a family bringing their daughter to the arcade for her birthday, and they’re not even given much to work with. Not to mention, they are the only customers in the whole place.

There is some blood an hour in (including bad CGI gore), but it doesn’t much help the final half hour of chaos in this poorly plotted and planned film.

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HULU HORRORS: a stalker, folk horror, and reanimation

It takes a while for Hulu to get enough new horror movies for me to check out for one of my posts, but after months and months of indulging mostly in Tubi’s vast selection, I finally reached three-movies in my Hulu watchlist, making me question if Hulu is even worth it. Anyway, let’s get into this trio.

THE STRANGER (2020)

This movie was actually a series of shorts that originally aired on a now defunct streaming service. The episodes were compiled together to make one full-length movie.

Maika Monroe of It Follows stars as a rideshare driver. The film doesn’t waste any time. She picks up a dude who at first seems nice but very quickly turns very dangerous. She escapes him, but he is soon tracking her every move and making her night hell.

Initially this felt like one of the many great suspense thrillers of the 90s, but as the film goes on it gets very annoying. This psycho unrealistically knows her every single move, setting up booby traps to frame her for a series of crimes before she even knows where she’s going to end up. During the final confrontation, the film explains how he supposedly tracked her, but seriously, he continuously has trouble in place for her before she even arrives where she’s going next. It made absolutely no sense.

On top of that, there are just absurd strings of events that are way too coincidental. For instance, Maika gets off a subway in the middle of a tunnel when she’s being pursued by the stalker, gets chased by coyotes (!), finds a secret passage, slips through it, and ends up at a rave…where the stalker is there waiting for her. Eye roll.

However, if you just want to enjoy the ride of the classic girl stalked by psycho style of thriller, this one definitely delivers. Personally, I was constantly more concerned about the fate of the little dog Maika carries with her than I was about her.

LORD OF MISRULE (2023)

When you love a subgenre, you generally appreciate consuming any take on it, so I think if you are big on folk horror you’ll be satisfied with this one, even though it is a virtual rubber stamp take on better-known folk horror flicks.

Personally, despite some atmospheric moments and a cool horned beast money shot at the end, I found the film to be rather empty as it simply checked off the boxes of what needs to happen in a folk horror flick without really drawing me in to the narrative or the characters.

The plot is simple. A female minister moves into a small town where no one really goes to church. Her husband is busy writing a book. Her daughter becomes the angel mascot of the harvest season festival.

The pagan-like festival is quite creepy with people in eerie masks, so that caught my attention. But then the daughter disappears and the mother spends the rest of the movie trying to piece together what became of her as she starts to learn more and more about the weird behavior of the locals. The reference to something waiting in the fields definitely reminded me of Children of the Corn, especially the 2020 installment of the franchise.

Naturally, she ends up being all on her own as she discovers cult practices and rituals taking place, and it all leads to some sadistic actions by the cult and a fire in a ramshackle building in a field.

BIRTH/REBIRTH (2023)

This one opens with a shocking scene of a woman jerking a guy off in a very clinical way in a bathroom stall, so I was very intrigued—and wanted more of this. However this isn’t about men…or cum in a cup…at all.

The film is definitely intriguing, but it doesn’t really delve too much into actual horror. The jerk-off woman is a morgue worker who is experimenting with bringing the dead back to life. Carla of Scrubs plays a maternity nurse whose daughter dies unexpectedly.

Before long, the paths of the two women cross, they move in together, and they begin working to bring the nurse’s little daughter back to life. This requires using fetal tissue from other pregnant women.

If this were an 80s movie like Re-Animator, there would be so many nasty places for it to go. Instead, we get a more emotional drama dealing with women’s issues: pregnancy, motherhood, how women’s bodies are used for child-rearing, etc.

Yeah, it’s elevated horror with a little dose of trauma porn. Don’t expect the little girl to become a reanimated monster that goes around killing people, but considering the filmmakers knew that’s probably what viewers expected, we are thrown a bone just once to show us the little girl isn’t exactly herself anymore. However, even that moment isn’t very intense.

The closest thing we get to a traditional reanimation concept is that the two women take immoral and unethical routes in an effort to play God.

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A trio of playful horror flicks with humorous undertones

It’s a gay giallo spoof, a zombie musical, and a slasher. I wouldn’t quite call these three films horror comedies, but they do offer varying levels of camp, quirkiness, and satire.

CUT! (2021)

Despite being loaded with drag queens, gender-bending elements, and campy takes on giallo style, this Spanish film is really not a horror comedy so much as it is a notably serious spoof of giallos.

The exaggerated nods to giallo death scenes, music, narrative, and visual presentation are definitely easy to appreciate for fans of the subgenre, but they aren’t particularly funny.

Even so, this is still horror lite, for the kills aren’t brutal or bloody, which I think is the one missed opportunity. If you’re going to mimic giallos for a queer audience, you need to go for it all the way. On the bright side, there are a couple of gay sex scenes, plus plenty of drag performances sprinkled throughout the film, one of them a duet with lyrics that poke fun at giallo tropes.

Plus, there’s Cut! butt…

Cut! queens…

Cut! cum…

The plot focuses on a director trying to make a totally meta gay giallo…making this whole movie totally meta. Problem is anyone he comes across during production ends up being killed off.

It’s not long before two detectives are on the case, and we get to see into their personal lives a bit. Very giallo. This is where the film is interesting in its presentation of sexuality. One detective is a lesbian, yet most of the female roles are played by drag queens, so she ends up in bed with a drag queen. At the same time, the male detective has a wife who loves giallos, and she is also played by a drag queen. In each case we’re left wondering if we are supposed to assume the drag queens are identifying as cis women (think Hairspray) or being presented as trans women, because most of the other drag queens in the movie are literally drag queens.

The satirical nature of the film overshadows any whodunit aspects, which is perhaps the biggest weakness here aside from the tame death scenes, but as a gay flick, it doesn’t hold back and I totally ordered the DVD to add to my gay horror movie collection, plus it now has a home on the complete homo horror movies page.

POWERTOOL CHEERLEADERS VS. THE BOYBAND OF THE SCREECHING DEAD (2022)

It’s another movie for the screamin’ and singin’ horror musicals page. Sort of a pop rock musical with some catchy melodies, campy moments, and at times some good gore, this film still doesn’t quite live up to its name. For starters, the cheerleaders and the boy band look like they’re about ready to star in The Big Chill when they should look like they’d give anything to be in a David DeCoteau film circa 2002. On top of that, this horror musical feels like it’s much more focused on too many characters than it is on the horror or the music—ironically, a totally minor character actually gets a whole solo song about how secondary he is to the plot. Clever.

Anyway, we meet a waitress with a phobia to cheerleaders who decides to conquer her fear by forming a cheerleading team and competing in a TV talent show.

This stems from a sort of nightmare she has in which she is visited by her freakishly awesome dead grandmother, who leaves behind a special supernatural necklace. I wish grandma would have left her dead ass behind, because she’s the best part of the movie.

As we then meet members of the cheer team and the boy band, it all feels surreal and avant-garde, with some cartoonish, colorful, theater stage set moments thrown in to capture that musical feel. Also, our main cheerleader reconnects with an old flame, who is now in the boy band.

After the awesome encounter with grandma, things really slow down for a majority of the film. The boys get into a car accident, the girls mess with grandma’s necklace, and the boys come back as zombies.

They are zombies for a good portion of the film, yet there’s no actual zombie zaniness until the final act, when the girls bust onto the talent show set with chainsaws and other power tools to defeat the boy band on live TV.

Carnage finally ensues, but the movie needed much more of it throughout its runtime.

KILLHER (2022)

More quirky than comedy, this oddball flick about a group of girls camping in the woods spends much of its time trying to build a red herring threat while simultaneously making it pretty obvious who the killer is from the start. Defying expectations with a hint of subversion doesn’t quite pan out when the audience is very much expecting the defiance.

We meet a girl getting married who has two longtime friends and a new friend that isn’t quite embraced by her old besties.

The new girl seems outgoing and fun except for two things. First, she’s obsessed with horror and is constantly pulling scare pranks. And second, she is obviously obsessed with the bride-to-be. Personally, I’m obsessed with the groom-to-be.

The girls set up camp and immediately discover a mysterious, burly man is camped in a tent just yards away.

As suspicious as he’s made out to be, giving off major Wolf Creek vibes, he’s quite clearly a pretty chill guy…and the new friend into horror is so obviously off her rocker. But are they both just red herring?

The killer is actually a hoot. Although there is no true horror excitement until 47 minutes into the film beyond endless horror pranks the crazy friend plays on the others, the killer is virtually a one-person show of erratic entertainment and very reminiscent of Angela as portrayed by Pamela Springsteen in the Sleepaway Camp sequels.

But here’s the problem. There aren’t enough victims, so irrelevant side characters are brought in to give the killer a motivation to make someone else look like the killer. It adds an unnecessary complication to an otherwise simple slasher plot.

Also, the kill count is low, and there’s nothing in the way of scares or suspense. However, the last few minutes bring a chaotic killer energy that you end up wishing had been delivered all along, because the finale is a blast.

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Centipedes, a vampire, a werewolf, and more

It’s a mish-mosh of subgenres in my latest movie marathon, so let’s get right into them.

CREEPY CRAWLY (aka: The One Hundred) (2022)

This Asian film is a squirmy wormy nightmare in a good way, with an odd legend about a centipede that possesses people intertwined with a story of a bunch of people quarantined in a hotel during COVID. Ugh.

That’s the only part I wasn’t feeling. I’m back in COVID hell right now between this movie and the fact that I’m reading the Stephen King book Holly, which takes place at the height of the COVID epidemic. If there was ever a time for a “too soon”, that would be now.

Anyway, you can look past the COVID part easily if you focus on the unsettling vibes in this hotel, where the owner seems to be up to no good, people are getting possessed, and centipedes start falling out of vents.

The slow burning suspense during the first part of the film reminded me of the movie Infection, one of my favorite Asian horror flicks, as those in the hotel roam the empty halls with something sinister always just around the corner.

Midway through the film it goes for the all-out creepy crawly segment, with centipedes galore. And it all leads up to someone mutating into what is essentially a boss from a horror video game.

Totally awesome. This is definitely a fun one and a good one to watch with friends.

BENEATH US ALL (2023)

This is a vampire light horror flick that borrows from various well-known vampire movies, but I appreciated the atmosphere and tone, as well as two horror veterans in the leading roles: Maria Olsen and Sean Whalen.

The film is rather slow paced, but that just amplifies the moody energy of the plot. A couple living in a rural area are the parents of several foster children. It’s not exactly the most pleasant family environment, particularly for the oldest teen girl, who is on the verge of aging out of foster care and not treated all that kindly by her foster father in particular.

It takes a while, but eventually she finds a box in the woods at night from which a man emerges.

She takes him home and hides him, and pretty soon we get into Let The Right One In territory as he begins to ask her to bring him fresh sustenance to regain his strength. On top of that, there’s plenty of fog and eerie lighting reminiscent of the Subspecies movies.

Inevitably, the teen girl becomes the vampire’s minion, which is a perfect way for her to get back at the foster parents she hates.

Most of the horror action takes place in the last fifteen minutes or so, and when the vampire finally shows its true form, it’s kept mostly in shadow. Despite being derivative (or perhaps because of it), I enjoyed this one.

DEVIL MAY CARE (2023)

I’m going to get right to the point with this one. It is a very low budget production and feels like the creators decided halfway through that there was no way this would be taken seriously, so they shifted tone to go for cheesy camp.

Six friends sneak into an old theater. One tells a story of the theater’s history—it was built on the devil’s ground!

The group sees what they think is a dog but turns out to be a werewolf. One of the guys seems to get possessed and leads everyone down into tunnels underground.

The movie is 70 minutes long, and the werewolf in its silly makeup begins to emerge like 50 minutes in. It also has a fight with the devil, who is a guy with goth makeup and horns.

And just for the hell of it, some zombies are thrown into the mix. This felt to me like one of those cheap direct-to-DVD releases that flooded the market when the format was first becoming hot in the early 2000s.

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Things that spread like a plague

Parasites, spores, mold…it all leads to infected freaks in my latest movie marathon, which includes one flick with a gay main character.

DARK PARASITE (2023)

There are absolutely no new ideas in this film, and it fluffs its runtime with character development, but overall, the limited horror moments were entertaining.

A homeless man is digging through garbage when something falls from the sky and a slug crawls out of it. The man is invaded and pretty much turns into a glowing-eyed zombie. We even get a brief glimpse of a big alien.

Next, we meet a group of thieves. After a robbery gone wrong with plenty of shooting, they hide out in an abandoned apartment building. The only woman in the group begins seeing things in the empty halls drenched in Saw green as she wrestles with past trauma. The tense atmosphere is effective, and dare I say the exploration of the gloomy building and its long tunnels was giving me Session 9 vibes.

Unfortunately, it’s not until 52 minutes into the movie that the parasite comes back into play in this 85-minute movie. Within no time there are only two survivors left with nothing in the way of intense horror to get us to that tally, but the final chase through the tunnels as the big alien chases them is okay. Overall, it’s a disappointingly understated horror experience despite the tight production.

THE SPORE (2021)

I was astounded to realize that as this “zombie” film progressed, I began to like it more and more.

Going for the minimalist approach makes this one particularly eerie. After an opening that begins with voice-over radio reports that do nothing more than clue us into the fact that a virus is spreading and things are getting weird in more heavily populated areas, we shift instead to what is essentially a series of vignettes about individuals in a rural area as they each experience an encounter with a single infected person.

In each case, a character crosses over into the next segment, creating a chain effect of the virus spreading in a very limited way as compared to a fast and frenetic outbreak in a densely populated location.

The isolation creates a highly effective and creepy tone, and the score captures that isolation—it’s tranquil and melancholy, yet haunting.

Each encounter delivers on the sense of being completely alone when coming upon the horrifying sight of an infected person, plus you feel bad for those infected because the suffering they go through is highlighted more than the fact that they transform into monsters.

And in each case, the spread of the spores seems to show the infected in a different state. Some are completely rotten, some are recently changed, and others are suffering within the confines of a nightmarish web of spores.

As the vignettes progress and the infection is handed off, we eventually get to see the final results of how the infection takes over the host. Eek! To top it all off, the movie uses practical effects, and plenty of them. Icky good.

If you’re looking for something with more atmosphere and a slower burn than the typical infected/zombie flick, definitely check this one out.

MOLD (2022)

Yay! A new Crum brothers movie! I love the Crum brothers. Michael directs this one, and Gerald writes and stars in it. Crummy yummy.

There’s a black mold growing in an apartment building, and we meet the main characters—Crum, his girlfriend, and a gay couple including a quiet dude and an old bitchy queen with a predatory edge. Blech. I mean, the guy plays the role perfectly, because it gave me flashbacks to being younger and trying to avoid those types of real-life caricatures.

Anyway, Crum calls a specialist in to check on the black mold and things quickly escalate. The specialist is attacked by the mold and immediately transforms into what reminds me of The Fly. In a way, the feel of this film reminded me of one of Mulberry Street, one of my faves.

However, this film turns into an oddly artsy endeavor, with virtually no dialogue or sound effects, no music score, distracting close-ups of those infected lurking around rooms and hallways drenched in red and green horror lighting (to create claustrophobic vibes, I assume), and a mere three main characters trying to stay hidden from the hideous looking infected for the entirety of the movie.

As much as I love the Crums and the freaky visual experience they deliver here, the movie just goes on endlessly with not much in the way of character development or motivations. There’s literally no story here…just a few people playing cat and mouse with mold monsters. It’s also unclear why there are so few people in the building and why they can’t just get the fuck out of there.

The bright side is that the quiet gay guy becomes one of the main characters, landing this one on the does the gay guy die? page. It also lands this one on my shelves, because I totally bought the DVD after watching it.

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Who’s behind that mask?

It’s time for a trio of newer indie slashers with killers in masks, and one of them has a queer main character.

DARK WINDOWS (2023)

A group of friends goes to a cabin in the woods to unwind and is soon stalked by someone in a mask. It’s a tale as old as slasher films, but with only three friends in the group, this one plays out more like a very slow burning home invasion film.

The group is feeling guilty over the death of a friend, and we know it involved them all in a car accident. There are people at the funeral who are hateful towards the friends, so blame is being tossed around…as are possible killer suspects.

When the trio gets to the cabin, the main girl learns they invited the boyfriend of the dead friend, who feels like she’s responsible for his girlfriend’s death, but he doesn’t arrive anytime soon.

Meanwhile, there’s some good atmosphere, the internet goes out, and the lights go out. The main girl is also convinced she keeps hearing the voice of the dead friend.

31 minutes in there’s a classic sign that someone else is in the house, but the first hour is mostly all talk with little horror substance.

The invasion by someone in a mask and hoodie doesn’t kick in until the last half hour. It’s a long time to wait to get there, but the third act is definitely strong. There are tense, suspenseful conflicts with the person in the mask, but don’t expect a body count, because there are barely any living bodies to begin with. The violence and last minute kills more than make up for that though. This one is definitely worth checking out for the finale.

FOUNDERS DAY (2023)

This slasher is a political satire emblematic of what’s going on in the U.S. today…people who will do anything to be in power, including kissing the ass of the most vile people to get there, as well as people turning a blind eye to immoral behavior if it means they can advance their own political career. That’s why you need to just watch this one for the awesome and brutal death scenes—because reality bites.

The movie is way too long at 106 minutes. Should’ve been 90 minutes. It begins on Halloween (yay!) but after the first kill it quickly moves on to the days before a local mayoral election. We meet all the townsfolk, who are painted as if they could either be the killer or the next victim, because they’re mostly all awful. Unfortunately, as much as this is one big red herring cast of characters, you’re still likely to guess the identity of the killer.

Our main girl is a Black lesbian (awesome), and the killer is dressed in a judge costume and uses a gavel with a knife in the handle as the main weapon. The plot revolves around the fact that the incumbent mayor wants to continue with the political festivities despite murder coming to the small town, while the challenger thinks they need to take the threat seriously.

And so, the murders continue as way over-the-top characters give us every reason to want them all dead. Therefore, the kill scenes are so satisfying.

It’s the final act where everything just falls apart as the movie attempts to outdo even the most convoluted Scream denouements.

There are way too many twists and turns, and the plot jumps through hoops to try to explain itself, bombarding us with flashbacks of what really happened behind the killer scenes that we didn’t witness. I’m telling you, just watch it for the kills.

SLAUGHTERHOUSE ON THE HILL (2024)

This one is basically an indie love letter to both Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Slaughterhouse, with a large killer wearing a pig head stalking and killing a group of friends in an old abandoned farmhouse.

Thing is, this group of friends is like a bunch of GenXers. They are at a high school football game, of which there is way too much footage to pad the already short runtime of 75 minutes, and lamenting that they’re past their prime. As much as the dialogue and acting are harsh reminders of this being a low budget effort, their longing for the teen years is something a lot of older viewers can probably identify with.

The runtime is also padded with the group getting to the house and talking about partying without actually partying. When they finally do party, we get not one but two montages set to EMO tracks by Bruce Wayne’s Day Off and Evolove from the early 2000-teens. So maybe this is a group of millennials?

Anyway, there’s very little action because the group mostly sticks together instead of splitting up…a necessity if you’re going to have any sense of slasher pacing.

However, this is where the movie gets props. First, when the kills finally hit, they are all practical effects, and it’s deliciously bloody, gory, and macabre. And second, when one couple (they’re all straight) starts getting frisky, this daddy with a white beard gets a few nipple squeezes from his girl, and he doesn’t complain.

Plus, the murder scene is sexy sleazy disgusting. Awesome.

Topping it off, there are some nasty dismemberment scenes, a sewing body parts together scene (which doesn’t hold any meaning), and a flashback that involves a prison rape and is a significant plot point. Interesting.

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SHUDDER AND SHRIEK: a killer gay boy, a Spanish anthology, and stopmotion slashing

I took on three from my Shudder watchlist, including a gay flick from the early 90s. Let’s get into all three movies.

DEATH ON THE BEACH (1991)

This could have been an interesting portrait if dated portrait of a gay serial killer slasher if it wasn’t so damn cheesy—particularly a totally mood-killing, hokey score that sounds like something out of a wholesome, early 80s action show (think BJ and the Bear, The A-Team, etc.). On the other hand, the movie is so fricking gay, with plenty of pretty boys in Speedos, so it’s going on the complete homo horror movies page.

The opener holds so much gay horror promise. We see the POV of someone sneaking into a naked sleeping guy’s room before killing him and ramming a rod up his fuzzy ass.

Then we are immediately scammed with a heterosexual sex scene! Blah! There’s this rich woman who is about to marry her man and has to break the news to her high school son, who is returning from school after the mysterious murder of a teacher.

A good chunk of the film has the mother and her boyfriend trying to force girls onto the son, but he’s having none of it. Meanwhile, guys are trying to force themselves on him as well.

Inevitably he starts killing everyone…mostly by pushing them off cliffs and out windows. There’s something too funny about the way the scenes are choreographed, so there’s no shock or horror to be had.

More unnerving is a scene where the son taunts a deaf alcoholic dude with a knife, as well as another scene that gives Psycho a homoerotic twist (in other words, naked dude showering). This is the one scene set to appropriate, suspenseful music. Too bad the rest of the movie couldn’t have done the same.

Meanwhile, the mom’s boyfriend is onto the son being both gay and a killer, and wants to expose the truth to her, because she is totally in denial. It is like a bad, homophobic telenovela (this is a Spanish movie).

In the end, we get to see some major wiener, there’s the kind of major momma’s boy dynamics you’d expect from a movie of this era, and there are some other stereotypical ideas about gay men from that era. It’s silly but it’s sexy, and it only runs like 75 minutes long.

SATANIC HISPANICS (2022)

This horror anthology is mostly more about Hispanic creators than inherently Spanish plots, but it does have its moments. There are plenty of horrific visuals, but in general I found the stories to mostly be abstract rather than concrete.

In the wraparound, police break into a house full of dead people and bring a lone survivor to the station for questioning, which is when the stories are told.

1st story – A man uses light to see entities in his apartment and ends up being terrorized by a hideous, crawling, mutilated human. Eek!

2nd story – In this campy story, a vampire discovers he has less time to take advantage of being out in public on Halloween night than he thinks because of daylight savings. This is a whimsical tale as he tries to make his way back home in record time.

3rd story – A paranoid dude in a house with a gun is sure someone’s coming for him. I take it this is a metaphor for ICE and being an undocumented immigrant. The guy is jumped and becomes part of a nightmarish voodoo ritual. I didn’t understand any of it, but it was definitely a freakish treat with some man-on-man face licking.

4th story – A man and woman meet at a restaurant for a reunion and before long he’s battling demons. Awesome.

The wraparound concludes with a dark force infiltrating the police station. As with most horror anthologies, you’re bound to find a tale or two that satisfy.

STOPMOTION (2023)

You’ll never look at Rankin/Bass holiday specials the same way. Sure, there are plenty of gnarly visuals in this film about a stopmotion animator whose creations begin to blur the line between movie and reality, but for me this was just all too surreal to be scary.

Nothing seems normal here. The woman, who is dealing with her mother being in a coma, meets a young girl in the apartment building in which she’s living who wants her to start using meat to make her figures.

So…she does. This little brat is crazy, but the woman goes along with her psychotic suggestions without much pushback.

The girl helps her devise a stopmotion move plot that is basically about a woman being stalked by a creep at a cabin in the woods. Eventually the monster begins to manifest itself in reality. Don’t expect a clean and concise stopmotion killer on the loose movie.

This is an artsy film attempting to go the elevated horror route. Personally, I was bored watching characters that looked like melting wax voodoo dolls running around and experiencing all the horror instead of actual people.

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I went ghost hunting on the PS2 one last time

I continue to revisit all the horror games from my old game systems (still chipping away at the PlayStation 2 games), and this time it was Ghosthunter. I don’t even know how I managed to get through it the first time, because it’s much more of an action horror game than a survival horror…although, surviving is a helluva challenge.

You play as a hot early 2000s EMO detective investigating a murder with your female partner. You start in a school and immediately get separated. There are some semi-training missions to get you used to the clumsy controls. You have regular guns, but there isn’t loads of ammo to find, plus you fight ghosts mostly, so it feels like you should use the pulse gun that you soon get, which shoots energy beams. It requires replenishing energy regularly to work, and you do that by killing ghosts and then collecting the blue orbs that are released. But it’s a 2-step system. You shoot the enemies to weaken them, then you throw this boomerang grenade to help finish them off and “capture” them. I honestly was never sure when they were hurt enough to capture, so I would just shoot then toss the boomerang repeatedly until it worked (it gets stuck in them for short periods of time, which is an ideal chance to shoot away). You can also run right up to some enemies (walking monsters, and later, shooting ghost men) and shove the boomerang grenade inside them, plus you can use it after battles to summon energy orbs that are too far away to get yourself.

Replenishing your health is a matter of finding fire orbs that pop up in various locations. It’s not a very comforting health system at all, and you will find yourself aching for fire orbs as the game progresses. You can use the boomerang grenade to fetch these as well when they’re in impossible to reach locations.

Saving is cool. You hit checkpoints, and it says checkpoint on the screen to inform you. When this happens, just go into the menu, select save, and it saves at that checkpoint. Although you can’t save whenever you want like some survival horror games, the checkpoints are fairly frequent.

The game has a very sci-fi ghost plot, so you soon get an astral sidekick. You can summon her at certain hubs, and you then temporarily use her to do tasks your EMO guy can’t. You must be fast, because using her uses up your ghost energy bar. Sigh. She also has clumsy flying controls, which hurt your speed effort, but eventually you get a better grasp on them. She also gains different abilities, which have to be switched using the same type of on-screen menu you use to switch guns when you’re the EMO guy. You’ll need a walkthrough to figure out when and why to use which astral abilities, and it always involves unlocking your next path forward, as does every puzzle you solve in this game. This really is just a run and gun game at heart.

The game starts off basic—find, fetch, backtrack, fight. That changes when you get to a really annoying part where you have to get through a series of gates by waiting for a big fat floating ghost to open them. The challenge is that he gets spooked if he sees you, so you have to hide until he unlocks gates and goes through them, and then follow him. You can crouch and also press X to hug a wall, which is a very annoying ability that tends to get triggered when you’re trying to perform an action…which uses the X button also. Argh.

Next come tedious sections that are basically mazes you have to wind your way through while being shot at by sniper ghosts. You will find health orbs and energy orbs sorely lacking throughout all this (but enemies drop them when killed). At the same time, you have to search for dynamite to blow up new paths to continue forward, you have to follow more of those scaredy-cat ghosts to get through gates, and you have to use your astral girl to turn on switches to open up new areas.

As you get deeper into the game, as is common with these older titles, you won’t really know what you’re supposed to do without a walkthrough. I honestly don’t know how people even figured this shit out to write a walkthrough to begin with back in the day. For instance, there’s this whole mansion segment—fucking infuriating—in which you have to chase down and capture this ghost girl who jumps through green blobs in walls to transport to other rooms. You have to capture her spirit five fucking times, and the thing is, every time you chase her, rooms morph and doorways change their destinations, and the only way to capture her is when she’s vulnerable, which is as she recovers after teleporting. This leaves you with brief windows of opportunity to see her jump into a green glob, chase her to whatever room she ends up in, and then shoot her before she recovers. But there’s more. It’s not actually her you’re capturing. You need to shoot her to turn her into a giant teddy bear and then fight the teddy bear and capture that! Meanwhile, there are times when you can’t even start chasing her until you first fight and capture little boy ghosts that attack you. Argh.

The first boss doesn’t involve you actually killing the boss. There’s this giant alligator, and you have to shoot it in the belly several times so it spits out this giant goon. You then have to lure the goon to three different houses with porches so he’ll knock the porches down. How the fuck would you ever know this? But wait! The fight continues, and now you have to lure the alligator to the goon so they will fight each other! Keep doing this until they have low life bars, and then you can capture their souls.

The next chapter is annoying. You’re in a school, and you have to go into numerous rooms to expose and capture invisible poltergeists, sometimes fighting two at a time as they throw chairs, televisions, and other objects at you. The goal in each room is to figure out how to manipulate objects to create a smokescreen that allows you to see the poltergeists. In the meantime, you also have to battle the usual enemies in hallways. This section ends with a horrible boss battle in a theater. First there are numerous floating, flying ghosts shooting at you as you try to kill and capture them all, then you once again have to expose several poltergeist with smoke grenades and capture them. This is so purely an action fighting segment that it can become very frustrating.

Next segment is on a boat using tanks to shoot out doors and progressing through hordes of ghost military men, some with Gatling guns. That’s followed by a challenge of having to get past huge tentacles that latch onto you if you don’t walk slow, crouch, and remain out of sight. Exhausting. The goal is to trigger detonators to blow up the tentacles, and sometimes you have to first collect dynamite to place near the tentacles before you can trigger the detonator.

After that you have to work your way down platforms, monkey bars, and ladders in a round room. In the middle of that you have to use your astral girl for a super confusing task that involves closing a door and turning on a water pump. It’s a horrible maze to have to deal with when you don’t know what you’re doing and don’t have an unlimited amount of ghost energy to keep her going.

Next there are more tentacles and a task that requires running over various catwalks to release some prisoners.

And finally you get to the nightmarish boat boss battle. It’s this huge monster in a ballroom, and while it swipes at you and shoots at you, you have to shoot little bombs a tank is shooting into him. You can’t see the bombs, so you have to depend on your target reticule turning red. When you do shoot a bomb, the monster releases a spirit that you have to shoot and capture…all while running around the giant boss that is attacking you and blocking your target. You need to do this three damn times to defeat the boss.

Then it’s on to a prison complete with ghost prison guards carrying guns. Ugh. The astral girl has now gained a possession ability, which you will put to use several times, having her possess ghosts (huh?) to perform actions to open the way forward for you. She will also once again get into a ridiculously maze-like section that is sure to see you running out of ghost energy if you don’t follow a walkthrough to get through it quickly.

You also have new obstacles to carefully time your way past…steam pipes and fan blades. You’re crouched while you’re going through this little death trap, and the camera angles are horrendous.

You then have to jump through prison cells using certain items to bring you to a virtual house where you have to find new items to open portals in other prison cells to reach other areas of the house to complete your objective. Again…walkthrough!

Next you fight an electrified boss. TWICE. First time isn’t so bad, but the second time he’s surrounded by generators, and wouldn’t you know they let him regenerate. The goal is to blow out the switch boxes on the sides of the generators…while he’s kicking your ass and getting in the way of your target…so that he becomes vulnerable and you can finally kill him.

After that boss you work your way through a junk yard killing more poltergeists. This ends with a giant boss made of junked cars. But you don’t shoot him. No. You have to use special binoculars in first person mode to see four poltergeists on his body, and kill and capture them one at a time. Thing is, you can’t move while in first person mode. Curses! Even worse, one of the poltergeists is attached to his back, and you have to run through his legs, turn around, go into first person mode, turn on the binoculars to see the poltergeist, then aim, shoot it, and capture it before the boss turns around, which he pretty much does immediately. I highly suggest getting yourself a Codebreaker or you will be quitting the game at this point. There are a few built-in button sequence codes available for this game, but they’re pretty useless.

On to the military base, which has you running through endless rooms and corridors following and protecting a guy from numerous ghosts, and you have to kill and capture them all to move forward. Plus, sometimes the guy runs ahead of you and you can’t find him when you’re done fighting!

Suddenly you get to his point where you are shot in a cutscene, and the main menu seems to come up, making you think you’re dead and the game has ended, but it’s not over yet! You’re thrown back into the game, now playing as a MECH! It’s so annoying. You just have to roam around shooting ghosts in first person mode until you reach a cutscene. Then your character suddenly turns astral and you have to fly around, up, and down all the pipes and will have no idea where you’re going unless you use a walkthrough. This eventually leads you to the final boss.

This game takes the lazy final boss route. You have to simply fight hordes of the same enemies you’ve been fighting all along. Sorry, but without a cheat system you would probably never make it past this part. There are loads of different enemies, and they overlap instead of coming in waves. Plus, many of them shoot at you. The only bright side is that although this takes place on platforms, this game doesn’t allow you to fall of the edges. Yay.

After you get through all the old enemies, you have to just shoot the main boss—who has been flying around you the whole time but been untouchable—until you take out his life bar.

Game over…and up for sale on eBay if you want it.

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TUBI TERRORS: a ghost girl, alien zombies, and Bigfoot

It’s another mish-mosh of subgenres as I attempt to chip away at my massive Tubi watchlist (expect several of these). Let’s get right into them.

CAROLTYN (2022)

This one takes possessed girl and Asian ghost girl themes and gives them a fresh take with Black protagonists. Actually, that’s the only fresh take here, because otherwise it’s a fairly typical story.

When kids around town begin dying inexplicably, a mother soon suspects her daughter is next.

After being haunted by a freaky ghost woman, the daughter ends up in what I think is a military hospital. The ghost woman is the highlight in this obviously low budget flick, and she comes across as a total rip-off of The Grudge and The Ring girls. In other words, she’s loads of fun.

Danny Trejo joins in on the silliness as a guy who experienced the entity when he was a kid, so there are flashbacks of how it terrorized his family, and Eric Roberts appears in a flashback about the entity’s background, which involved a mob of white people lynching a Black woman. That makes it kind of bullshit that the entity is terrorizing a young Black girl and her mother instead of some white bitches!

Would you believe Danny Trejo ends up wielding a machete…?

Just be aware that all hell doesn’t break loose until 54 minutes into the movie, and themes of God and faith come into play as the mother is forced to face her demons. Ugh. Not to mention, the final frame is just so cheesy.

NIGHT OF THE FALLING STARS (2021)

When you want to make a cabin in the woods alien movie but you don’t have the budget to create any kind of alien effects, you do something like this…the aliens spread their infection through humans, basically turning them (and this movie) into a zombie outbreak.

There’s literally nothing you haven’t seen before in Night of the Falling Stars, but the familiarity is what makes it watchable, beginning with the comic book style, graphical text intros of each character. I’m so over the use of this device in movies with the intent of being quirky and cool.

Anyway, a group of friends goes to a cabin in the woods, and before long they are being attacked and bitten by other humans, so they hole themselves up in their cabin.

Thanks to the geek in the group, they figure out there are aliens passing parasites to humans and converting them.

It’s not scary, and attempts at camp and excessive pop culture meta humor don’t fully hit the mark, but it has its fun moments. Especially when horror hunk Paul Logan shows up…shirtless in his undies. His deadpan delivery is the highlight of the whole movie, and I feel his character was underutilized.

Other than that, there’s a lot of standing around trying to figure out how they’re going to escape the situation, plus a low budget chase through the woods at the end. Also, Logan gets a disappointingly short action sequence fighting zombies…I mean…aliens.

STRANDED (2023)

I did not expect a Bigfoot movie from the director of the sleazy good creature feature Don’t Fuck in the Woods to turn out like this did, but he does deserve props for trying something different.

We get a fairly impressive and atmospheric intro at night with a full Monty look at the monster, and he’s awesome in an old school, 1970s horror movie Bigfoot way. The movie really needed to live up to the vibe created here, but it doesn’t.

After the first kill, we are drawn into family drama…for almost the rest of the movie. It begins at the funeral of a mother whose kids are at each other’s throats over who was and wasn’t there for her. She left a video message intended to bring them all together. So…

…they head to a family cabin in the woods. At a rest stop there’s a bulletin board covered in missing persons posters. So much ominous promise.

The siblings set off on the rest of their trip, and their car gets stuck in the middle of nowhere. And there they sit for about 40 minutes of this 80-minute movie, arguing endlessly about the same thing. They’re not even trapped in the car because of Bigfoot!

Finally they hear a noise, they exit the car, and there’s a short sequence of events with them finally meeting up with the Bigfoot, which briefly brings back the awesome tone from the beginning.

If you’re a Bigfoot fanatic you might want to watch this for the shots of the menacing beast, but for me, once you’ve seen Exists, no other Bigfoot movie will really do.

 

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I watched 65 episodes of The Ray Bradbury Theater…

…and I’m here with a list of my favorite episodes.

Most people know author Ray Bradbury due to his classic Fahrenheit 451, which many of us were required to read back in high school (but which is probably banned these days, ironically). However, Bradbury was a prolific author of sci-fi/fantasy novels and short stories. There have been movie adaptations of his work, and his stories have been adapted over the years for episodes of The Twilight Zone and Alfred Hitchcock Presents. So in the 80s, when horror anthology shows were hot, it made sense that HBO would bring us a series based on his tales. It was eventually released on DVD…six seasons, 65 episodes, crammed onto 5 DVDs. since the discs don’t feature the episodes organized in order of original air date, I’m going to break down my favorite episodes by disc number—and it’s pretty safe to say many coincide with my favorite short stories of his on which they are based.

DISC 1

The Crowd

This tale is an absolute classic in which a man gets into a car accident and survives…but then begins to notice all the same people surrounding victims every time there’s a tragic accident. This is possibly his most chilling story ever.

Marionettes, Inc.

This one comes from the director of Humongous and Prom Night (the latter of which explains why Leslie Nielsen has a role in the episode). A man buys a robot clone of himself to fill in for him when he needs a break from his over-attentive wife. What could possibly go wrong?

The Playground

The director of Killer Party and Funeral Home gives us a haunting tale of a man who relives his childhood when his bullies return to torment his son at the playground. William Shatner stars in this creeptastic episode.

The Screaming Woman

Directed by the director of Prom Night 2, this one stars young Drew Barrymore who reads Tales from the Crypt magazine! She becomes convinced she hears a woman’s screams coming from underground in the woods, but no one believes her.

Gotcha!

A man and woman meet at a costume party. They hit it off immediately and have a perfection relationship, but he begins to wonder if it’s real or a dream. She brings him to a sleazy hotel to test his boundaries and see if he still thinks she’s the perfect woman for him. That’s when things get very witchy.

The Emissary

Bradbury manages to throw a creepy twist into an otherwise heartfelt tale. A young boy with an illness has a dog that always brings him things to make him feel better. Horrifically, on Halloween night the dog once again brings the boy something it thinks will make him feel better. Eek!

The Man Upstairs

A young boy living with his grandmother begins to believe a new tenant upstairs is a vampire. The boy’s risky attempts at investigating on his own are so perfectly 80s horror-lite, but it gets horror heavy when the twist hits.

The Small Assassin

It’s the tried and true plot line of a mother believing her newborn is evil and trying to kill her. There’s even creepy baby POV. However, the ending kind of leaves us hanging…

On the Orient, North

This is a morbid little tale of a nurse on a train who offers to help a dying man travel to a place that still believes in the supernatural, because she believes he is already a ghost. This one has a very Twilight Zone ending.

The Fruit at the Bottom of the Bowl

This tale plays out of sequence and is carried along by the manic performance of icon Michael Ironside as an enraged author. It’s pretty obvious from the start why he feels the need to target his literary agent, but as the tale unfolds somewhat backwards, this becomes a take on Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart” concept.

DISC 2

Skeleton

This is a darkly comic tale starring American Pie daddy Eugene Levy as a hypochondriac who goes to a creepy bone expert and receives a treatment that leads to bone problems being a thing of the past. Eek! The final moments deliver the money shot.

Punishment Without Crime

This is classic Bradbury sci-fi and stars Donald Pleasence as a man who purchases a robot clone of his adulterous wife thinking she’ll be a better “person”. However, things go horribly wrong instead.

The Dwarf

The sister from Silver Bullet plays a young woman that befriends a small man who visits the carnival house of mirrors to see himself as tall. She delves into his world to get a better understanding of life from his perspective. This one has a perfect 80s horror anthology series vibe, and the carnival setting and its sleazy owner add a great creep factor.

The Veldt

This story is a reminder that Bradbury always seemed to have a view into the future. Parents keep their children occupied in a sort of virtual reality playroom. Things go horribly wrong when the children somehow lock the playroom in man-eating jungle animal mode. Eek!

Boys! Raise Giant Mushrooms in Your Cellar!

This is a classic story that has been adapted or ripped off in variations. A boy orders one of those kits from a magazine that allows you to grow plant life, in this case, mushrooms. His dad begins to think the mushrooms are alien invaders…especially when his son begins acting weird.

DISC 3

The Wind

A meteorologist determines that the wind isn’t a natural occurrence, but actually a demonic force…and now it’s after him because he knows. Quite cool taking the idea of howling winds, which are usually a byproduct of horror atmosphere, and making them the actual monster.

A Sound of Thunder

This is a classic Bradbury story in which rich people pay to go back in time to kill dinosaurs, demonstrating how the slightest alteration in the eco-system during prehistoric times could have massive implications on our present day society.

The Wonderful Death of Dudley Stone

John Saxon stars as a famous writer at a book signing who is threatened by a failed novelist that plans to kill him. Taking the “fan” completely off guard, Saxon actually invites him to his house to do it! They both have interesting definitions of death as it pertains to themselves.

Hail and Farewell

Bradbury has a beautiful ability to write stories filled with haunting nostalgia, longing for youth, and the fear of aging. In this tale, a young boy who doesn’t age moves from family to family, becoming their new child to fill the holes left by loss of their own children. But each time he doesn’t outgrow his family he has to move on, leaving them to mourn all over again.

Here There Be Tygers

Astronauts land on an unpopulated planet and discover it is alive and can grant wishes…but it can also harm those who intend to hurt it, which doesn’t bode well for the humans when they pull out the big drill. Talk about a commentary on the way we live on earth!

Touch of Petulance

Eddie Albert stars in this goodie about a young man who encounters his older self, who is there to convince him that he is planning to—but shouldn’t—kill his wife in the future.

The Black Ferris

After the fantastic movie adaptation of Something Wicked This Way Comes in the early 80s, I don’t know why they felt the need to create this shortened version of it, but that’s what we get here, and it works. Two boys sneak off to the carnival and discover the owner uses his magic Ferris wheel for a nefarious purpose (in the movie and novel it was a carousel).

Exorcism

Sally Kellerman plays the leader of her town’s lady lodge. Her rival believes she’s using witchcraft to stay in the position and plans to exorcise her at the next election. It’s such a good setup, but don’t expect an exorcism…

Mars is Heaven

Another of Bradbury’s poignant stories given away by the title of the episode. Astronauts land on Mars only to discover anyone they know that dies is still alive and living in the same small town they grew up in. If only it could stay that sweet and touching…

The Murderer

A man goes on a murder spree…killing all forms of technology that create noise pollution. Bradbury really could see into the future. Keep an eye out for Peter Jackson’s Bad Taste playing on a television.

Usher II

A more horror themed take on Fahrenheit 451, this time Bradbury brings us a future world where fantasy novels have been banned. A man builds a castle based on the writings of Edgar Allan Poe and uses it to get revenge on the government.

DISC 4

The Earthmen

There are numerous Mars-themed stories in this series thanks to material drawn from Bradbury’s book The Martian Chronicles, but this is definitely one of the eeriest ones. Men land on Mars and end up in a Martian insane asylum. Eek!

Zero Hour

Horror queen Katharine Isabelle plays the young lead in this tale about kids playing an odd game with household items that leads them to communicate with another form of life. As usual, Bradbury makes a commentary on society with a message about households in which both parents work and kids are left to their own devices.

The Jar

80s horror king Paul Le Mat stars as a man who buys a weird specimen in a jar from a carnival and brings it home to his slutty wife hoping it will gain him her attention. Instead, it has a mesmerizing effect on strangers that come to get a look at it.

The Martian

Obviously another Mars story, this one is about a couple from Earth living on Mars after the loss of their son. Their grief is so powerful that it is absorbed by a Martian, which then shape-shifts into the form of their son… and the situation escalates fast.

Let’s Play Poison

A reminder that childhood cruelty is a never-ending epidemic, this tale has a teacher plan revenge on the evil children that bully one of his students to death. But the evil children have plans for him, too. Eek!

DISC 5

The Lonely One

A serial killer is on the loose in a small town, but that doesn’t stop a woman from going to the movies…until it’s time to walk home alone at night. Eek! This is a perfectly chilling episode.

The Long Rain

Several astronauts land on a planet where it never stops raining. The plant life has plenty of water…what it needs is food…. 80s sci-fi/fantasy/horror king Marc Singer stars, and gets shirtless. Just the way we like him.

Fee Fie Foe Fum

Edith Bunker plays a rich elderly woman with lots of pets, and everyone wants her money, especially her granddaughter’s husband, who threatens to feed the pets to a garbage disposal. Jean Stapleton is delicious in a very different role from her iconic All in the Family persona.

By The Numbers

This one has such a great “even accidental revenge is sweet” vibe. A militant father teaches his young son discipline and it ends up biting him in the ass. This episode also happens to have a couple of pretty boys who seem very queer coded.

The Tombstone

In this quirky tale, Shelley Duvall and her husband stop at a hotel and find a tombstone in their room. She becomes convinced the room is haunted and then things start getting really weird.

The Handler

A mortician in a small town takes revenge on the bodies of those who wronged him in life. It’s a dark and gloomy episode brightened by a hunky corpse. That’s right. I said it. It also serves as the perfect final episode on the DVD collection, because it has a classic horror conclusion.

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