Just when you though it was safe to go back near the water…

These two slasher parties from nearly a decade apart take place near water—one on a boat, one poolside. So which one would I rather attend?

KILLER YACHT PARTY (2006)

What’s comforting about Killer Yacht Party is that it feels and looks like it came from the mid-00s, which means that it’s from any time that is not this miserable moment in history. What worried me at first, however, was the short Troma branding sequence that looks like it hasn’t been updated since like 1989. Thankfully, Troma must have just distributed this and not made it, so it’s not 90 minutes of absolutely laughless gross out humor.

As the title suggests, this is a slasher. Unfortunately, the slashing doesn’t start until 55 minutes in. Before that we get a whole lot of scenes of pretty people just talking and dancing with the usual stereotypes on hand—the good girl, the slutty friend, the bad boy, the black guy, etc.

It’s like a bad CW teen show on a yacht. A seed is planted about the yacht being haunted, but nothing much happens to convince us it’s true, especially since when people finally begin getting killed, it’s clearly by a human, although all we ever see is a hand holding various weapons.

If only this were a 30-minute movie it would have been an okay generic slasher of the post-Scream trilogy era.

Everyone starts having sex, there’s a hint of boy butt, the kills are okay if not very inventive, there are body reveals, and the final girl is a very traditional virginal type who is awkward with guys. Plus, the twist at the end is a fun one. Not that you haven’t seen it before, but it’s still fun.

POOL PARTY MASSACRE (2017)

Pool Party Massacre is a good old shallow, silly, bloody, sexual throwback to 80s VHS slashers with a basic setup—a girl’s parents go away, so she has female friends in bikinis over to hang by the pool.

They get bitchy with each other, then some boys show up, and they’re both dicks. Anyone but me remember when characters in slashers used to be likable?

Anyway, one of the guys is a muscle boy perv.

The other is a goofy perv all the girls find repulsive. As is usually the case, I’d hit the goof before the muscle boy.

The score, the killer POV, the watery blood gushing everywhere, the 8-bit graphics intro sequence, a cassette boombox, a couple of sets of big tits—it’s definitely mostly about the 80s vibe. I could, however, have done without the forced meta conversation about Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. That shit didn’t work when Tarantino made it trendy in the 90s, and it’s just as long and tedious now, with the actors appearing more focused on just getting the lines right than acting passionate about movies they’ve probably never even heard of.

Otherwise, the film is sleazy and funny—love the part when the girls mock male cum faces. And if you pay attention, you’ll realize the killer is systematically going through all the tools in the garage so that each kill scene gets its own unique weapon.

Even beartastic director Drew Marvick has a role in the film as the main girl’s annoying brother. What makes him even sexier is that he has one of the characters reference his amazing crotch mop…I mean…beard.

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.
This entry was posted in Living in the 80s - forever, Movie Times & Television Schedules - Staying Entertained, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply