Everyone Must Die, including the gays!

In the tradition of no other slasher movies, Everyone Must Die! had me cracking up at the sheer willingness of the cast and crew to just have fun, act silly, and finish a goofy horror-comedy while they were at it.

Understand that this is LOW-BUDGET horror. It pretty much looks like it was either almost completely filmed in someone’s backyard, or they just rented a house for a weekend and shot their movie. There’s poorly executed fight scenes, absurd(ly funny) and unnecessary dialogue, and clumsy transitions between not only scenes, but camera angles. And it’s all so damn endearing.

Most amazing about Everyone Must Die! is that it starts out pretty much as a gay slasher. I kid not. Gay boys and lesbian gals head into the woods to camp—and they even have sex. Instead of heterosexual male fantasy lesbians, we get a butch and a mother goddess type. Awesome.

The casting of the boys is great as well. A hefty, four-eyed geek is dating an annoying, blond white male rap star with a banging body and big ‘ol nipples. It appears that the geek is the cub top in their relationship! Nice. You go big boy! Score that pretty boy ass!

Things move to a yard party, and this is where the fun really begins. This cast of kids is so stupidly funny you would think you really are hanging out at a barbecue with them. As pointless and filled with pop culture references as their conversations are (remember Clerks?), it’s fricking funny. The super fast running football player is dumb jock perfection. He almost steals the show, but then all of a sudden, the movie cuts to this random kid totally geeking out in his bedroom because he just got a new video game. This dude’s going to be a star. And director Steve Rudzinski himself pulls off comic gold with his role in the film.

Little do these happy go lucky victims know there’s a generic killer all in black (with a black cloth “mask”) walking around in the background—like literally. Once the kills start, it’s all about the blood money shots in old skool slasher kill style. There’s even a death by CD (it hurt watching a precious CD wasted that way). Plus, I’ve never seen a better, more logical explanati0n for why they can’t use their cell phones to call for help. Brilliant.

Meanwhile, keep an eye out for a window in one room of the house that looks different every time the scene cuts back to the guy standing near it; it’s blank, now it has blinds; now it has a window fan! Also, watch out for the bitch slap that comes virtually from off screen.

On top of all that, the movie is perfectly cast with girls more than willing to expose their HUGE boobs! And the lead guy is fricking adorable and shows us his tats and big juicy nipples (the guys give the chicks quite some competition in this area). And the totally confusing twist? You have to wait until the end credits to watch the scene that clarifies things a bit—and stars a TWINKIE.

I can’t deny it. After watching Everyone Must Die!, I hopped onto YouTube to check out director Steve Rudzinski’s 36 minute short film called The Slasher Hunter. It’s a farcical parody in which “The Slasher Hunter” (who looks damn good in a tank top) has to stop some of the most well-known horror serial killers before they drink more survivor semen….