Can you handle The Green Monster?

The Green Monster is a bizarro flick of horror, dark comedy, sex, brutality, and drugs. It involves convenience store owners who kill rich young kids, make voodoo concoctions out of their body parts, and then dump their dead asses in the trash bin out back. Is that the “green monster” to which the title refers? Or is “green monster” a metaphor for jealousy, which runs rampant among the characters in the film? I’m not sure, but there’s no literal monster in sight, green or otherwise.

When a film begins with every gross detail of a young girl having her baby on the dirty floor of a public bathroom, you brace yourself for nonstop exploitation. Yet, despite some doses of disgusting gore, this is fairly “normal” teen horror.

There are these three friends—a bitch, an insecure chick, and a “rugged” chic—who give us an awesome parody of the teen movie slow-mo walk through the school hallway. After a visit to the convenience store for “beauty supplies”, the bitch gets added to a growing list of teens that have gone missing….

The trippy plot is all over the place yet somehow makes sense in the psychotic context of the film. I hate to read into a screwy splatterfest, but The Green Monster also seems to be a commentary on dysfunctional, bratty messes living in privileged communities.

Along with the violence, gore, and sexual situations, there’s a grisly little “monkey’s paw” subplot, as well some comic relief in the form of the local sheriff and deputy duo. The sheriff is played by horror hunk Marv Blauvelt, and while Marv doesn’t strip down and show off the buff bod, damn does he look good in a uniform. The way those tight pants hug his buns is magnificent to see. On top of that, he’s playing an adorably funny character as he did in Psycho Street! BONUS!

The action and horror gets wickedly frenetic, bloody, and obscene as the young teens begin to catch on to the sleazy convenience store owner, played perfectly by Edward X. Young, a man with quite a resume of low-budget horror. And unless a stunt butt was used, he has a nice ass!

The Green Monster stays entertainingly absurd as it twists and turns randomly on its way to a vicious conclusion. The devilish payback moment that closes the film is a goodie. If you’re into low-budget, deranged trash from the direct-to-VHS era, you should definitely appreciate this sick piece of celluloid.