I have to admit, even after spotting a gay character in the trailer for one of these films, I nearly skipped it because I am crashing and burning on some of the more agonizing stuff I sit through these days on streaming services.
Then I thought, “Dammit. I created Boys, Bears & Scares to highlight everything homo in horror, so I have to get through this one so I can add it to the die, gay guy, die page.” I sure hope at least one person is reading this, otherwise my life’s work was a total waste of life.
Anyway, back to the 3 films in this blog, which have only one thing in common: a gay guy.
THE CRAVING (2011)
This is the gayest of all three films because it’s a lesbian film!
The intro kill—a chick with big tits in a bubble bath rather than the usual shower scene—is perfectly VHS era retro in horror atmosphere and tone and so uber gory that it definitely establishes the brutality of the kills to come. It’s also a bit of a cock tease, even for a gay guy.
That’s because The Craving isn’t a scary 80s throwback slasher. This is a darkly “comic” serial killer flick about a lesbian restaurant owner who is not only a killer and cannibal, but starts using her kills in her dishes in order to impress food critics.
There’s plenty of lesbian drama and sex. There are also campy bitchfests, thanks in part to the gay chef, who has no problem quipping that he thinks Jeffrey Dahmer is sexy. He’s a lovable character, and thankfully our loony lesbian loves him, too.
Leading lady Anna Curtis is awesome in the role, and I was psyched to see she has a horror past; she appeared in the female prison horror madness that is Shadow: Dead Riot. I need more Anna in horror.
Don’t expect anything too deep here, and it didn’t deliver enough on the dark horror humor for my tastes. I’m going to make a totally offensive generalization, but I find lesbian films rarely manage to deliver the laughs the way gay male films do (it’s offensive because it’s true).
But what The Craving delivers that gay male horror usually, um, pussies out on (see? We’re just funnier), is the KILLS. They are vicious and really the saving grace of the film (along with the leading lady and the gay guy). Bonus points for what I can only assume is a nod to American Psycho, when our psycho obsesses over the brilliance of 80s music…specifically “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money with Ronnie Spector. Awesome.
CURSE OF MESOPOTAMIA (2015)
I don’t even know how to process this film. For starters, it’s noted as the first English language Middle Eastern horror film with an international cast. Okay, that’s cool. It definitely feels like mainstream horror in every way, and at first I was intrigued by the premise.
A psychiatrist is treating individuals who all suffer from the same nightmares about being terrorized by a bald demon dude in a castle. She brings them to a near replica of that castle for therapy.
The group includes a Latin ex-military guy, a porn star, a black gay stud, a drug addict, an artist, and a religious extremist who wants to become a terrorist and immediately rants that all the others are perversions to God. Okay, so now I was wondering if I was about to get sideswiped by a Middle Eastern religious propaganda horror film.
Still I watched, seeing an intriguing setup coming. We start to learn a little more about the characters and their pasts. The gay stud quickly reveals he’s bisexual and is soon flirting with women, his gay tendencies never to be tended to again. The only bone we’re thrown is a shot of his ass. Okay, a bone doesn’t get much better.
In the castle, the patients find relief from the nightmares virtually overnight…while the therapist starts catching glimpses of the demon they’ve described! There were so many places the film could have gone from here.
Where it goes is back in time. WTF? So much for the nightmares ending. Virtually the remainder of the movie has them living out nightmares in ancient times. It’s like some Game of Thrones shit, or…whenever. I can’t tell the difference between any time period that took place before the start of the rock ‘n’ roll era. Oh, I guess this is supposed to be ancient Mesopotamia because, you know, the title.
The good news is, there are beefy guys in skimpy costumes, torture machines, that creepy bald demon, and…the Wicked Witch of the Middle East?
The bad news is, if you want to know if this movie is worth a watch, you’ll have to read someone else’s blog, because I stopped paying attention after the bi guy went full woman pie and everyone else went back in time.
THEATER OF HORROR (2018)
Where do I start? How do I end? I bet that’s also what the writer/director was thinking throughout the entire process of making Theater of Horror.
Yes, it’s as micro-budget as they get, clearly shot on the street and in the basement of some “I’ll never get to get to Broadway from here” theatre in New York City.
Look. I could make little sense of this film. I just watched for the gay guy. Some goth psychos are putting together auditions for a “play.” Some wannabe actors come to auditon, among them a former child actor who has gained tons of weight and come out of the closet.
One guy breaks from the group and is immediately killed by a masked psycho (who deserves to be in a different movie), and his body is soon revealed to the others.
They are tied up and mentally tortured, the leader of the cult first attacking the former child star for turning into a gay glutton. You’d think a devil-loving cult would welcome someone who flips the bird at social norms. Hell, that’s why I myself am a proud member of the fat fags club.
Not to mention, this goth rockin’ cult leader would so obviously rather be wearing fishnets while building his own Rocky than talking dirty to one of his female victims. He even tries to butch up his faltering straight act by throwing her an oh-so masculine Gene Simmons tongue flick.
As for the admitted gay guy, it’s curtains for him. Then the rest of the cast just screams for the remainder of the film, which is painful because the audio is so bad it comes out ten times as shrill as it actually is. I assume…
Once again, with the gay guy out of the picture, my mind couldn’t stay in play, although I did take pause when this happened…
No, I didn’t zoom in with Photoshop. That’s actual camerawork from a scene in which our cult leader commands one of his men to clean the floor of the stage. Now I get it. Frank-N-Furter is into dad bods these days.