My weekend streaming selection was nearly a total watch list disaster, but an unexpected surprise film gave this marathon a twist ending for me.
DEAD CRUELTY (2015)
Okay. I went into this one expecting nothing…but got even less than that. The good news is it’s 65 minutes long. The bad news is, even that short running time fails to delivery anything. It’s astounding how many directors don’t understand that making a horror movie is more than just a killer and victims.
There’s a house party. Some guy breaks out of prison and kills a few people on his way to the party (we’re talking blood capsule in the victim’s mouth kills). The party breaks up and a handful of people becomes trapped in a room with the killer just outside the door. Eventually the killer comes in the room and does some simulated fighting with a couple of people before killing them. The others lock themselves in another room and one chick steps up to admit that she knows who he is and describes why he’s after her.
Finally, the “main girl” is abducted—but not by the killer—and flashbacks offer an explanation to this apparent twist. I didn’t understand any of it. Then again, my iPad wasn’t giving me much opportunity to try.
Hype is all this film has going for it. If I wanted art about hell, I’d read Dante’s Inferno. I just want horror to show me a good time, for fuck’s sake.
After demonstrating what dicks they are, some cops go on a call. They nearly run someone over, get into an accident, and end up at an old building. Actually, they’re in hell, and when they’re chained up and hacked up for a majority of the movie, who gives a shit because they’re a bunch of pricks.
With all the talk of how gory this film is, I wasn’t expecting to be subjected to a painfully generic experience that wasn’t scary or stomach-turning because it was too busy being smart and philosophical.
I don’t know. Maybe I missed the best part because I did nod off for a few minutes. But I didn’t miss the ending—a twist I’ve seen in at least five movies this year alone.
KILLING ARIEL (2008)
What a relief. A film about sex and demons. Thank you, Killing Ariel, for saving my weekend at the last minute.
As a child, some dude witnessed his mother and father being killed at the hands of a bald incubus. As an adult, he’s a happily married man…until he has a dream about a succubus.
Next thing you know, he hooks up with some chick named Ariel and takes her away to a house for the weekend. They bang, he keeps thinking Ariel is his wife, he finds some mysterious items around the house, he sees the incubus from his childhood, and…he accidentally kills Ariel!
Just when you think Killing Ariel isn’t going anywhere, it becomes a tongue-in-cheek romp, reminding me of a Tales from the Crypt episode. Michael Brainard, who plays our main man, becomes campy and comic as he tries to dispose of Ariel’s body, but she keeps coming back! So he keeps killing her! What a change of tone.
He axes her, stakes her like a vampire, takes a chainsaw to her…but the prize scene is when he has a battle with her head. I was getting Evil Dead II flashbacks, and that’s always a good thing.