Witches, wolves, gypsies, and zombies!

It’s time for some stupid fun with modern horror featuring classic monsters and creatures!

WITCHES’ NIGHT (2007)

Witches’ Night is fun, fun, fun low-budget occult horror reminiscent of cheesy flicks from the 1970s. It’s sort of like Deliverance…with witches.

It’s also loaded with themes of male/female clashes. A groom left at the altar heads off on canoe trip with his buddies straight from the wedding. And here’s why I love buddy movies. When one of them gets out of the car and says, “Oh, my ass is asleep,” my immediate thought was, “Let me wake that up for you.”

Naturally, the manly men hit up a convenience store where weird shit gives them plenty of fair warning. A creepy clerk jokes about women being evil but gets defensive about witches, and one of the guys actually sees a scary witch in the trees. But, they continue on to…a cabin in the woods!

Witches’ Night has beautiful women running around the woods, giggling, making out…and killing the men. There’s also the old witch lady, a horned demon in a robe, and human sacrifices. And it’s up to the final guy to take on the witches…Dorothy style!

Oh. It’s also supposed to be Halloween. No trick or treaters or Jack o’ lanterns, but can we really complain? There are fricking witches in the middle of the dark woods!

DEADGIRL (2008)

Some outcast teens find a hot zombie girl strapped down to a table in an old building. Whatever scenarios have just played out in your mind, chances are you’re right! Once you know the nasty main premise of Deadgirl you can pretty much predict everything that’s going to happen.

What I like about the film is that it doesn’t go for over-the-top gross out exploitation or stupid comedy (although some dark humor crops up unexpectedly in the middle of the film). It actually examines how individuals differently handle moral dilemmas, much like the movie An American Terror, which I blogged about here.

Hungry girls like yummy boys….

Two friends. One (Shiloh Fernandez of the Evil Dead remake) wants to rescue the helpless zombie woman, the other (scream king Noah Segan of Cabin Fever 2, Starry Eyes, and Chain Letter) immediately sees an opportunity to make her his sex slave.

Naturally there are some gross elements, and none of them will come as a surprise: issues with her being dry (fucking ew), the trouble with getting oral from her (fucking ouch), and the nasty side effects of making contact with her (fucking shit!).

And you do actually feel bad for the zombie girl, who manages to be both scary and sad looking all at once. But don’t worry. She eventually gets her revenge. And payback is a zombitch.

NIGHT WOLF (2010)

Night Wolf is like The Descent…in a house. It’s a pretty thrilling creature feature. I think it’s supposed to be a werewolf movie but the beast is kind of bald.

A chick returns to her home and hangs with family and friends in a big house. Character development. YAWN! But then the shit hits the fan fast. A body is found ripped to shreds in a dark room, a sort of creature immediately starts running after the kids, and the suspense is awesome!

Night Wolf is loaded with chase scenes, quick edits, strobe effects, and red monster POV. There’s also a bit of character drama accompanying the unfolding of the truth of what the hell is chasing them. The Descent-like creature isn’t really shown until the end of the movie but it’s worth the wait, especially for the “transformation.” Oh yeah. Monster good times are definitely had by the final act.

ROADKILL (2011)

Thinner meets Q: The Winged Serpent meets Jeepers Creepers 2 meets Race with the Devil! When six kids set out on a road trip in an RV, clichés abound: pit stop, creepy clerk, a “MISSING” flyer, a cheap dog scare, and a freaky old gypsy lady giving them fair warning of the danger that awaits them.

When a deal goes bad for a pendant they want to purchase, the kids are on the run not only from a band of gun-toting gypsies, but also a giant vulture-like bird the old gypsy lady conjures. Appearing to be part CGI/part…claymation (?), this bird of prey makes this silly flick loads of fun as it pursues the kids in their RV and plucks more than eyes out. Pretty good gore for a SyFy film.

Of course the kids hit stumbling blocks and occasionally need to get out of the RV, often to battle the gypsies. There’s also in-fighting, some oddly misplaced humor injected near the end of the film, a totally odd claim of cousin molestation thrown into the mix for no apparent reason, and finally, what we’ve all been waiting for…the bird gets inside the RV.