What the Muck?

Imagine if The Empire Strikes Back was the only Star Wars film ever made. You’d begin and finish watching it wondering, WTF is going on? Right? Apply that bewilderment to the film Muck and you need to turn the WTF to a WTM…What the Muck???

And while this “sort of” backwoods slasher, which features multiple killers instead of a single killer, doesn’t feature a Leprechaun, it’s actually a St. Patrick’s Day horror flick. Seriously. And there is plenty of drinking, partying, and green décor during a long bar scene to get you in the mood.

On top of that, Muck is to women’s lingerie what a David DeCoteau film is to tighty whities. Oh yes. Muck features endless buxom young women running around in panties, bras, and less for no apparent reason, right from the start.

However, what Muck has that DeCoteau films don’t (aside from DDs instead of dicks) is actual horror. Despite the fact that writer/director Steve Wolsh mucked it up by creating a film that only makes slight sense if you read the description on imdb (which he wrote), and despite the fact that much of the film’s length (which is at least 20 minutes too long) is padded with tits, ass, and pointless dialogue, Wolsh still demonstrates that he knows how to make horror. And does it with fantastic style. He just needs to take the story out of his own head zone and write it into the script of the sequel.

Oh yes. There is a sequel coming. A much needed sequel. And while you might watch Muck and think why the muck would I watch a sequel to this mess, you will finish the film realizing you really want to see the sequel. Because the glimmers of horror awesomeness are that good.

We first meet five friends in the marshes. They are screaming and bleeding and running—from what we don’t know. They take refuge in an empty house in the middle of nowhere. One wounded guy pulls a “Randy” and begins pointing out just how their situation is going to turn out based on horror movie clichés. But he’s kind of wrong because there’s nothing predictable about what transpires.

One cute guy—who looks like a young Jensen Ackles—heads off to find help and ends up at the St. Paddy’s party.

I am NOT Jensen Ackles!

Beefy, bald freaks in body paint (horror icon Kane Hodder is one of them) crawl out of the dark and start the killing in gruesome, violent fashion.

After loads of running, screaming, and bleeding, we end up with a core group, and a cute guy comes on the scene to take on a Bruce Campbell role. The killers tear off his shirt (hot) and he becomes a blood-covered fighting machine as he spouts one-liners.

This St. Paddy’s pussy party suddenly gay baited me!

But that simple summation explains nothing. The movie ends on a “cliffhanger.” What’s up with the marsh? Is the marsh the muck? Is the muck the paint on the bodies of the beefy bald killers? What are they? How did they get those bangin’ bods? What were these kids even doing in the marshes?

Word is that Muck is the “sequel” to another film that never got made. Will there be a prequel? Is beginning an apparent trilogy with the second film a brilliant marketing ploy or will it totally backfire? Will any of these questions be answered in the sequel or will it make just as little sense? And will there be more gay bait for me to take? Perhaps some all-male muck wrestling?

What was the safe word? Oh. MUCK! MUCK!!!