TUBI TERRORS: did these vampire movies suck?

Tubi offered up three vampire films that looked appealing to me, making for the perfect triple feature. Well, not quite. In the end only one satisfied. Let’s take a look.


This movie had one job to do. A female punk band selects a bunch of fans from the audience and takes them to an isolated house to “party”, which can only spell a night of horror house terror for the fans. You know…Night of the Demons with vampires. So how the hell did it become such a confusing mess of nothingness overpopulated by music montages? I can’t even explain that myself.

For starters, the film begins with not one but two full-length song performances by the band at a club. I was totally digging the new wave sound of the second song, but still—nearly ten minutes of musical performance without any introduction to characters?

That is a huge issue here. The characters are barely developed, from the vampire chicks to the fans. They all arrive at a house drenched in 80s horror color lighting, they go to their rooms to prepare for dinner, they experience some odd things that mean nothing to us and make little sense, and then they finally gather with the band for dinner, where they quickly realize something is very wrong at this house.

The guests get infected with something that causes veiny and black-eyed side effects, and eventually they do battle with the band with some surprise twists and some cheesy, 80s level magic power lightning bolt effects.

There’s also some sort of creature crawling around (the highlight for me).

I honestly understood none of it, but I would have liked a bit of expansion on one male fan’s flirtation with wearing dresses.

CRYPTIC (2014)

I’m kind of here to just warn you about this movie if you’re looking for a comedy (which this is described as), or a vampire movie (which is also implied by the description). It’s really neither. Instead, this feels like a dialogue-heavy play turned into a movie.

A group of mob guys is hired to guard a coffin in a crypt. What unfolds is nonstop talk as we get to know the personality of each character and they question what’s in the coffin. 52 minutes in there’s a hint that it might be a vampire.

After much bickering about just opening the coffin, there’s a shootout with just 15 minutes to go.

With about 5 minutes to go, we learn what’s really in the coffin, and the denouement makes it feel like someone wanted to make a Saw type of movie with a vampire angle.

I’m not sure who this movie is supposed to satisfy. Horror fans waiting for some vampire action will be hugely disappointed. Mob movie fans will be confused by the constant talk of vampires…and the constant talk. Notice how most of the screen grabs I included all look the same? That tells you how much variation you get in this movie….



Coming to us from the director of Stitches and Dead Meat, vampire horror comedy Let The Wrong One In was an immediate DVD purchase for me after I finished streaming it.

This British flick is loaded with humor delivered by the minimal cast of characters…including Giles from Buffy! It is a blast watching him play a rather manic, much more adventurous vampire hunter than he did on Buffy.

Another plus is that the lead guy is deliciously full-bodied, especially in the thighs and the booty. Yum.

He’s also adorable.

He is strapped with the problem of helping or staking his vampire brother.

Humor, comedic battles, and loads of spraying blood abound as the pair and Giles deliver a farcical vampire conundrum.

Eventually more vampires complicate matters, even turning into bats (awesome), and the action moves to a dance club for the final act.

This is most definitely a party flick and an instant classic in my book.

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.
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