Time mutilators might be a better term with this batch. So here goes.
CRAVINGS (2006)
Hello! I’m not a vampire movie…I’m false advertising!
Cravings is a dark, depressing drama disguised as a horror film. This doctor, who’s all fucked up because he lost his wife (and kind of thinks she’s haunting his shower), starts treating a young female patient who loves to suck blood. He gets way too involved with she and her mother. The majority of the movie seems to focus on him getting naked and bathing (not complaining there) and the undeniable guarantee that his poodle is going to meet a nasty and cruel ending. Yeah. If you hate depictions of animal cruelty, it’s pretty much the only thing you’re going to remember about this movie after. Anyway, the doctor’s patient pretty much pulls an Audition on him at the end. Why couldn’t she have just left the damn dog alone?
WOLF TOWN (2011)
The plot of Wolf Town is as simple and obvious as its title. A group of kids gets stuck in a town full of wolves and some make it out alive. The end. If you’ve seen The Breed starring Michelle Rodriguez, you’ve pretty much seen this movie.
Cute Levi Fiehler, who was also in Puppet Master: Axis of Evil, drags his buddy (Max Adler, the self-loathing gay jock from Glee who was also in Detention of the Dead) on a little field trip to score a girl he likes, played by Alicia Ziegler, who was also in Lake Placid 2. The first few minutes of the movie are quite whimsical in tone as the boys find out she’s bringing along her hunky new boyfriend, a stud named Josh Kelly, whose horror cred includes Supergator and The Portal. At least the b-movie horror cast rox.
You can kiss the humorous tone of the film goodbye right after that. They get to a ghost town. They meet the wolves. Someone is hurt bad. They get stuck in a house. The lead kid has a fear of dogs because he was attacked by one once. They go through the whole “we-can’t-stay-here-we-have-to-get-him-to-the-hospital-who-can-run-the-fastest?” scenario. Body count is virtually non-existent because there are pretty much only four characters in the whole movie.
We don’t make it…
Once it’s down to just the main guy and girl (if you think that’s a spoiler then you’ve never seen a horror movie EVER), they have the predictable inappropriately timed talk about why he never asked her out. They also find a diary in the house that tells them how the townsfolk dealt with the wolves in the past.
And then…they simply walk hand-in-hand out of the ghost town….
Look out behi–eh, fuck it. Just walk away.
There. I saved you an hour and a half. Now go use it to watch a good movie.
LOVELY MOLLY (2011)
Lovely Molly is a slow-burning creeper for those of you who love a really deep, dark storyline. It also turns into a free-for-all. A chick gets married and she and her husband move into the house in which she grew up—and as the story progresses and her backstory unfolds, you’ll wonder why the fuck she would ever want to go back there.
There are disturbances in the house. Noises. A high-pitched hum every time the “ghost” appears, which I promise will drive you up a fucking wall. There’s the sound of a man singing. The chick starts to act crazy and look sick. She visits the creepy attic. She visits the creepy basement. She visits the barn and obsesses over horses. Something visits her room but instead of turning on the lights, she uses the night vision on a camera to make the situation even more terrifying for herself. There might be an incubus. There’s a really uncomfortable situation involving a pastor. There’s a bizarre scene involving a deer.
Where were her headlights?
At the last second there’s some violence, gore, a few brutal murders, and surprise subplots tossed in. And finally, there’s a demon.
I’d say it’s worth watching Lovely Molly once to experience the WTF of it all.
BENEATH (2013)
If you’re going to watch a crappy sea creature movie loaded with really shitty teenagers who deserve to die, Beneath is the way to go. This made-for-Chiller movie actually pokes fun at made-for-SyFy sea creature movies. It is definitely a bit more intense and dark than those and plays out as a mashup of Jaws 2, Stephen King’s “The Raft” segment from Creepshow 2, and reality show Survivor.
You know a horror movie is desperate to capture your attention when it starts with a kid having a dream that his lady friend is being attacked by a creature in a lake before he and his friends even get near water and with no later hint that he might be psychic.
And then, as the freshly graduated high school kids drive to the woods for a fun getaway, the first “jump scare” is a near collision with another vehicle on the road. Cue eye roll. But I have to give credit—once they get on a boat in the lake, it isn’t long before the big evil fish puppet surfaces completely! He is not camera shy.
These bastard kids all seem to hate each other, hot guys get shirtless (one in tight square cut bathing shorts), one guy with a camera gives us some “found footage” POV, stupid mistakes are made to keep them stranded in the middle of the lake, and eventually, all of them turn on each other to decide who should be the human bait tossed off the boat to distract the fish while the others get away. Oh—and all the hatred pretty much stems from the shared love all the boys have for the one girl on the boat.
The message of Beneath? Who’s the baddest bottom feeder of them all? Just watch this one for the big evil fish puppet…and the guys playing with their oars.
