Hoping to make forgettable flicks a little more memorable so I won’t forget to never watch them again, here are my takes on 5 movies that include ghosts, demonic possession, zombies, and psycho killers!
LEFT FOR DEAD (2007)
Left for Dead is like Bad Girls with a ghost. It’s mostly a western with a hint of the supernatural and some torture thrown in. It’s about a town run by ex-whores who are out to get the guy who knocked one of them up. There’s some lesbianism, women torturing guys, and plenty of female drama, including mothering issues, rape revenge, and birthing. And there are western shootouts. Clearly, there’s nothing here to get my ghost. Not even the occasional ghost.
DESCENDENTS (2008)
Descendents is a unique concept for a zombie film. It’s about a little girl who is all alone after the outbreak and happens to be inexplicably immune to the zombies. So much of the zombie action (and there are indeed some intense zombie scenes) takes place in flashbacks. She spends most time in the present being chased by army men!
The tone of the film is intense and stark, with virtually no colors present except for essentials, like the color of blood. For me, the flashback scenes when the little girl wasn’t alone are more entertaining than the present scenes, because there are, you know…zombies instead of the fricking army! And then there’s the giant octopus at the end of the movie….
THE MORGUE (2008)
Slow-moving indie The Morgue features an appearance by Heather Donahue, but she’s not the main girl. The main girl works at the morgue, which she bicycles to and from on a dark, desolate road. One night, a handful of people come into the morgue for various reasons. Heather Donahue, her cute husband, and their daughter ran out of gas on a dark, desolate road.
Two guys, only one of them coherent (and also cute) come in after getting into a car accident on a dark, desolate road.
Also working in the morgue is an old night watchman who keeps to himself, pays no attention to the people who have come into the morgue, doesn’t lift a finger to help them as they’re hunted by a hooded killer…and hasn’t been on that desolate road. While the best part of the film plays out like a slasher, it shouldn’t take you long to figure out what’s really going on here. You’ve seen this twist before, I can promise you. The film would have been better if the main girl’s hot detective boyfriend had been in it more….
SÉANCE: THE SUMMONING (2011)
Speaking of morgues, four friends sneak into a city morgue so that one chick can prove to her doubting ex-boyfriend that she really is a psychic medium. And what better way to do that than to have a séance in a morgue—and accidentally put a demon into your arrogant ex?
Sadly, he doesn’t get gnarly demon face, he just talks like he swallowed a hairball. And sadly, while the film first seems to totally bash Christianity thanks to the awesomely ant-religious attitude of the ex, played by adorable Bobby Campo (who totally steals the show in his performance as a possessed dude), Séance: The Summoning turns into a Christian propaganda film, with long prayer sessions, Bible thumping, and attacks on sex, pregnancy, and abortion!
If Seance: The Summoning was trying to brainwash horror fans into embracing God, it failed miserably with me; the gorgeous shirtless dude gyrating, grunting, groaning, and talking dirty through the whole film just made me want to fuck the devil.
NEEDLE (2010)
Needle is a slasher mystery with not much slashing or mystery. A college kid inherits a mysterious box. Someone steals the box. That someone taps into the supernatural powers of the box; simply stick a picture of someone in a slot in the box and out pops a voodoo doll of that person. Then just poke away with the needle and kill them. So the college kid’s friends all start dying.
The kills are gory awesome, but don’t expect any suspense or scares. You see the killer’s hands messing with the box and you see the person being targeted, so you know that person is about to be killed in some gruesome way and has no chance of avoiding it since they can’t see it coming. This just keeps happening as the college kid tries to figure out who stole the box.
Gore is good, guys are cute, the killer plays a pretty good psycho in the final scene, the evil bastard from Wolf Creek makes a short appearance as a detective, and there are a couple of lesbian kisses. But what kept me glued to this movie was studly Travis Fimmel.
