Digging into my Stephen King movie collection part 1

Although post-80s Stephen King novels and movie adaptations failed to mesmerize me like the material being released when he was at the top of his game, I’ve decided to go back and check out a bunch of the adaptations in my collection from the 90s going forward, starting with these three.

NEEDFUL THINGS (1993)

Needful Things is based on a Stephen King novel from the dwindling days of his great period (1991) and is a nice reminder that he used to write engrossing stories about small towns turned upside down by a supernatural invader. That feel is perfectly captured here, and it’s very reminiscent of Salem’s Lot (helps that Bonnie Bedelia is back in a starring role again).

However, I feel that this is just one of those stories that doesn’t quite translate from fiction to film. It comes across as intentionally campy very often.

Max Von Sydow—somehow looking like he’s 80 twenty years after he looked like he was 80 in The Exorcist—is a highlight as an owner of a new shop in town who grants people their greatest wishes with a catch. In exchange for getting what you want, you don’t have to pay money. Instead, you have to do something awful to someone else. However, each “customer” doesn’t realize they are stirring up clashes between other people by doing so.

For instance, a young boy who wants a particular baseball card must throw apples at some woman’s house. This woman happens to be feuding with another woman, so she immediately assumes her enemy did it and seeks revenge. You can imagine how quickly a domino effect starts, causing absolute chaos in town, that escalates to violence and murder before you know it.

With the movie running 2 hours long, it becomes repetitive, and quite honestly, the only fun conflict that was energetic and fun was an over-the-top knife/cleaver fight between the two feuding women. By the end of the film, when there’s looting and destruction running rampant on the streets of the town and Ed Harris, playing the sheriff, tries to calm everyone down, the hubby and I were chuckling.

APT PUPIL (1998)

Apt Pupil is from Different Seasons, King’s collection of four novellas, which was one of the first of his books I read back in the summer of 83 when I was just 14. It deeply disturbed me and had me mesmerized all at once. The teen boy in the story was about my age and going through a lot of the same changes I was…and yet he was the complete opposite of me in his cold, calculating, manipulating, vile ways of getting his sick desires satisfied (I’m upfront about it).

While the film adaptation doesn’t quite delve into the psyche of the boy the way the novel did, nor into the mind of the old man he discovers was once a Nazi and blackmails into telling him of all the atrocities he committed, I feel it definitely captures the overall tone of the traumatic tale. It also sticks close to the major details of the book until the quite different ending.

However, while watching the film, I was getting the same kind of icky vibes I got the first time I watched Clownhouse…the feeling that young boys were being presented on screen in almost sexual ways. And dammit, just as that film turned out to be directed by the pedophile who also directed Jeepers Creepers, this one is directed by Bryan Singer, who has also been accused of molesting underage boys, including some from the locker room shower scene of this movie. Blech.

With that knowledge, this film reads just like Jeepers Creepers…almost as if the director’s “villain” is echoing his improper attraction to young men. The teen boy in this story begins spending all his time at the home of the lonely old man (played by Ian McKellen). They form a bizarre bond. The boy brings out dormant desires in the old man (killing people) and the old man in turn awakens the same desires in the boy. It’s just all so…blech. And yet that disgust perfectly encapsulates the entire point of the story, which makes it work so well even though the characters’ mental states aren’t dissected as much as they are in the book.

And just like the Creeper only focused on young men as victims, highlighting a male/male preying situation, this film taps into the same issue. Not only is there the main boy and old man bonding, but the old man brings home a bum who offers to give him sex for food and drink and maybe some money, the young man can’t perform when he is about to get a blowjob from a girl, and in the end he blackmails his counselor, played by David Schwimmer, using a pedophilia accusation as leverage.

The story behind the scenes definitely makes this even more icky than the already heinous concept of a young man wanting to hear all the fucked up details about how Nazis treated their victims.

DREAMCATCHER (2003)

Dreamcatcher is such a messy novel (in more ways than one), and the movie seems to try to clean it up a bit, but it turns out to be a mess of its own. However, it’s an all-male cast, including the likes of Thomas Jane, Jason Lee, and Timothy Olyphant, so it earns a spot on the sausage fest scares page.

This is the story infamous for featuring “shit weasels”, at least in the book. The movie doesn’t refer to them that way and drastically limits the amount of time they are the focus . In fact, there is only one major shit weasel scene, and it gets the horror ball rolling in a different direction.

The focus is on a group of guy friends that go to a cabin in the woods. They propose a toast to a mentally challenged friend they’ve known for years, which leads to several very Stephen King flashbacks about how they saved him from bullies and scored psychic powers in return.

Pretty soon, one of the guys comes upon a very sick man in the snow and brings him back to the cabin. Out plops the shit weasel. Cool, icky weasel, that’s for sure.

So little time is spent on the guys in the cabin before the military is introduced. Blah. Ruined. Morgan Freeman is a crazy military leader that wants to contain what he knows is an alien invasion.

In the meantime, the men fight more weasels, a big alien is unleashed that possesses one of the guys (presented in a very confusing fashion), and eventually there’s a mission to stop the alien from dumping a dog hosting a weasel into a water reserve to ruin life as we know it, which leads to a cool final boss battle. It’s also a reminder that Stephen King’s work has never shied away from doing awful things to animals—including dogs and a cat in these three films.

 

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PRIME TIME: a whole lot of slashing fun…and a good dose of gay fun

Now this is how to do a weekend marathon of simple slashers. There was plenty to like about this trio, so let’s take a look.

SLASHORETTE PARTY (2020)

I went into Slashorette Party hoping for some halfway decent kills and some funny lines here and there, and that’s what I got. Plus, this indie is a concise, 75 minutes long, so it moves at a quick pace.

It has a very 80s dream sequence intro, including the music, lighting, and mist machine. The nightmare wedding scenario introduces us to the bride-to-be when she awakes.

She’s anxious about her coming wedding so her friends take her to a cabin in the woods for a party…along with her fiancé and all his friends.

Her fiancé is a total prick and everyone at the party knows it. After the couple fights and she runs into the woods, the killing begins.

It’s made obvious from the start who is doing the killing, but along with some practical kill effects, we get a slow motion party scene—with female strippers instead of male! WTF?

That’s when the killing kicks in big time, and it’s a lot of fun. As a bonus, a male stripper shows up too for a quick bump ‘n’ grind.

So does the bachelorette’s doctor, played by legendary adult star Ginger Lynn, and she proves to be quite funny by the final act.

Meanwhile, the killer motivation is a (hopefully) satirical jab at the idea that men who are not responsible for how horrible they are…women make them that way.

HOLLOW SCREAM (2018)

This short indie opens strong, with a girl in the woods being chased by a killer, running through Argento lighting, and…well, you can imagine how things end up.

What you won’t expect is that it’s simply a virtual reality demonstration for a handsome guy considering investing in the project.

This handsome guy is also deliciously shirtless in the next scene. This is where things get kind of confusing. He has this super smart brother who he feels is wasting his time teaching kindergarten, and wants to get him in on this opportunity. So they head back to the company together to immerse themselves in the game.

The truth? Everything that happens involving them outside the game is confusing.

Luckily, most of the movie is spent in the game, which is a fun slasher featuring pretty young people in the woods having sex and getting killed off by a lurking, hunky killer.

Catch is, the illusion in this game is that the person playing only thinks it’s virtual reality. It’s actually real!

That cool concept is definitely muddled by the exposition the film attempts to present about the brothers between scenes of the slasher, so if you’re going to check this one out, just do it for the virtual virtual reality, which makes it actually reality. I’m getting a headache.

EXPLOITED (2022)

Reminding me of a cross between Scream and Smiley, this erotic gay horror flick is basically a slasher in which no one is slashed for a majority of the running time.

The super hot opener has a nude dude in the middle of some sex cam action when he is attacked.

Next, a gay dude comes to a new college, meets his hot wrestler roommate, and then finds a load of explicit videos on a USB drive…of the guy we saw attacked in the first scene in a whole range of fetishistic situations with different people.

Thing is, someone wants that drive back. So the gay guy and his new college friends begin getting stalked by someone in a gimp mask.

The film is fast-paced, intriguing, super sexual, suspenseful, and has likable characters. Plus, it’s just plain fun and has a very retro, late 90s slasher vibe, even if there isn’t much in the way of a body count.

I’ve already bought the Blu-ray for my collection and added the film to the homo horror movies page.

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An Easter weekend double feature

It’s a little something different to add to the list of Easter movies on the holiday horror page, and they come from fifty years apart.

NIGHT OF THE LEPUS (1972)

If you’re itching for another killer rabbit movie to pack your Easter weekend marathon, this one is loaded with giant killer rabbits and it stars Janet Leigh!

A total product of its time, this is the kind of ecologically aware film you would see on nature strikes back week on the 4:30 movie back in the 1970s. Sort of like Food of the Gods. Actually, a lot like Food of the Goods in its presentation of the giant animals— filmed close-up and running through little models to make them look extra big.

A scientist is asked to do something to curb a population explosion of rabbits. What does he do? Shoots them up with hormones that are supposed to disrupt their breeding cycle.

Instead, it turns into bunnies on steroids! They grow huge and begin seriously tearing people apart. This is surprisingly bloody.

As in all these giant animal movies, they make a creepy noise and they’re often filmed in slow motion to create an ominous effect. The cheesy giant rabbit effects aside, there are a few really good attack scenes, and it’s surreal watching Janet Leigh fend off a horde of giant bunnies as the authorities set up a giant booby trap. Hey. It was the 1970s and before The Exorcist. Cut it some slack.

DEATH TO METAL (2021)

Taking place officially on Easter weekend, this heavy metal slasher comedy is only 76 minutes long, and it’s one of those rare cases when I would have been happy to get another 15 minutes. The reason being that the film doesn’t hit its stride until about halfway through, and then it gets to be such a blast that you want more—and you want to spend more time with the characters you feel you didn’t get to know enough earlier on.

The opener is in black and white and shows big metal head bullies picking on a little kid…and even pissing on him with a graphic shot of the stream flowing from penis and balls.

Next, we meet our main guy, who is having a bad day. He’s dumped by his band and his girlfriend on the weekend of the Holy Saturday Metal Massacre concert event.

Meanwhile, there’s an out of control priest that preaches against rock bands and every other awesome thing in life, like internet porn and gay weddings. He’s so extreme he gets booted from the church…and then becomes deformed by a toxic waste spillage.

He is transformed into a murderous priest creature that uses a big crucifix as a weapon. Awesome. Inexplicable, but awesome.  Even the characters eventually poke fun at his questionable mutation.

The pace is a bit slow at first, but there’s a backstory told with cool animation, some early kills, a guy with a cool devil horns belt buckle, and a sex scene that blesses us with the guy’s naked booty and cute furry chest.

It’s when the priest arrives at the show that the film finds its vibe, and it’s great. The cast of main characters is lovable, the gore is done with practical effects, there are clever setup shots, and the humor is quite good.

There is a bit of shaky cam footage of bands playing that might turn some viewers off, but it’s not like we have to watch full concert performances to pad the time (as we do in some indies).

I just felt all the best stuff was rushed. There’s not enough unfolding of murderous events—it mostly happens in one quick massacre. However, I do know that I’ll keep director Tim Connery on my radar to see if he does more horror, because I’ll so be there for it.

 

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Gender-bending, Bette Davis, and redneck witchcraft in the 1970s

It’s back to the early 1970s, when I was just a wee child, for a threesome of films featuring female horror veterans.

DR. JEKYLL & SISTER HYDE (1971)

You’d never expect Hammer Films to challenge the norm in one of its classic horror adaptations. But Dr. Jekyll & Sister Hyde could be covered in a queer film studies class for being way ahead of its time. I was only two when it was released, but I imagine it must have been much more shocking to audiences than the likes of the 1995 comedy Dr. Jekyll & Ms. Hyde.

The film could be interpreted as being about a man coming to terms with his latent homosexuality (it probably was back then), but this is much more aligned with the idea that Jekyll is coming to terms with the fact that he’s actually a heterosexual woman. I saw it as a film about a man finally embracing his transgender identity.

Jekyll is so wrapped up in his research that he has no interest in dating women, even though the young woman living in his building keeps throwing herself at him. In trying to find the elixir of life, Jekyll begins extracting female hormones from women he kills—prostitutes, because it’s quite common for Hyde to be interwoven with the real-life Jack the Ripper in horror films.

Jekyll soon determines that his potion turns males into females….so he drinks it. He likes what he sees. He likes the feel of his boobs. He can’t resist taking the drink more often. He gets Sister Hyde to do his dirty work She becomes the killer of women, almost as if Jekyll is taking out his jealousy against women who were born women.

In a queer moment, a man who is attracted to Sister Hyde runs into Jekyll on the street and asks him about his sister. Jekyll almost can’t fight the urge to identify himself as her and even sensually caresses the man’s face.

In a stunning scene, Sister Hyde seduces Jekyll’s male friend then brutally stabs him, but as she does, the friend begins seeing Jekyll instead of her. And when Jekyll comes to, he looks in the mirror and says “I must be rid of you” to his own reflection, not that of Sister Hyde. Sister Hyde is taking over the body and Jekyll can barely suppress her and her natural longings. She openly says that she is the stronger of the two and Jekyll is weak, and then realizes she must stop any love interest from enticing Jekyll to remain in control…

There’s a great stained glass window transformation scene, and not surprisingly, the film ends with a message of the woman being the weaker sex. Hey, it was still pretty groundbreaking despite that final offense, and horror and monster movie veteran Martine Beswick is awesome as Sister Hyde.

HEX (aka: Charms) (1973)

How does a western witch movie turn out to be such a psychedelic drug trip? Is every character in the movie cursed, or are they just tripping on some bad weed? I’ll never know.

Taking place in the early 1900s, this film is loaded with anachronisms, making it hard to tell what time period it actually is while adding to the feeling of being totally loopy.

A biker gang drives into a town, gets into trouble with the locals, and hides out on the farm of two sisters.

They have a lot of fun and get high, but then one dude tries to rape one of the sisters.

The other sister, played by Cristina Raines of The Sentinel and Nightmares, lets them stay, but hexes them.

Soon everyone is tripping out, being seduced, seeing things (mostly natures creatures), and dying.

Don’t take that as a positive, because there is little in the way of nudity, gore, or violence. This movie is all talk.

The cast includes Keith Carradine, Gary Busey, Dan Haggerty.

There’s also a car that I was convinced was Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and was going to take flight at any minute.

SCREAM, PRETTY PEGGY (1973)

 

This little horror thriller is pretty predictable these days, but it’s surprising that it goes where it does in the end considering the time at which it was made. I won’t give it away, but it is definitely a made-for-TV answer to a couple of shockers from the sixties, including a major hit from a famous director.

Peggy desperately needs a job, so she applies at the home of a man (Marlo Thomas’s boyfriend Donald from That Girl) and his mother, played by Bette Davis.

Bette makes it clear she doesn’t want Peggy there, while the son begins to cozy up to her due to their shared interest in creating sculptures. In fact, he has a whole studio where he makes these freakishly cool statues in blood red.

Meanwhile, Peggy becomes too involved in the family’s secret, including why Bette’s daughter left home. She also simply has to know why she has been warned to never go in the room above their garage. Uh-oh.

The film is very minor on murder (but there is murder), and there’s a ghostly female apparition roaming around the grounds to add to the eerie atmosphere, but I’m pretty sure any horror veteran will figure out where this is headed before it gets there.

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HULU HORRORS: cannibals, swimming ghosts, and a slasher

I haven’t tapped into the Hulu horror selection in a while, so it’s time to check out a few of their newer offerings.

FRESH (2022)

Fresh is Boxing Helena meets Hannibal—with a very Gen X soundtrack thrown in for good measure.

The plot is simple. A girl starts dating a guy. They hit it off great. They go on a vacation together, and she soon finds herself chained up to become product in his business of selling “meat” to cannibals.

She can hear other women imprisoned in his secret home, so she begins to hatch a plan to escape.

And that’s when he does something to hobble her. Having had no idea what the film was about before starting the film, at this point I had to temporarily turn it off because I was watching it with my squeamish hubby. So I picked it up again later when he went to bed and found that the film becomes a fairly tame suspense thriller that is low on the torture porn or blood and guts.

Fresh is fun, has some dark humor, and features montages set to songs like “Obsession” by Animotion, “Restless Heart” by Peter Cetera, and “Endless Summer Nights” by Richard Marx.

THE DEEP HOUSE (2021)

I’m not going to lie—this film has a cool concept that’s equally dumb at the same time, yet I was highly entertained.

A young straight couple has a YouTube channel on which they post videos of them exploring abandoned buildings—and him always being an asshole and scaring her. They decide to do something different—explore the bottom of a lake that was created by a flood.

Down in the depths they find a sealed up house completely intact. My absolute terror of being underwater came through, because the cheapest scare ever made my stomach sink.

Anyway, they get in the house, and this basically becomes a haunted house found footage film. Like I said, it’s a silly yet oddly interesting concept.

It’s also especially effective if you’re underwater phobic like me. Things like dolls, clowns, and dead bodies submerged in murky water are twice as creepy as they are on land.

And the freaky factor only escalates when those dead bodies eventually turn into what are basically underwater zombies. Eek!

LANTERN’S LANE (2021)

If you just need a moment of not being elevated by your horror, you should check out this simple, satisfying slasher with the most primitive and delectable setup: kids stuck in a house in the woods being stalked by crazed killer wearing a sack for a mask.

A girl returns home from college and reconnecting with her friends, who she basically cut off communications with while she was gone. They decide to head to Lantern’s Lane, a spot in the woods ripe with urban legends, including sightings of a female ghost carrying a lantern and a house in which a killer did kids wrong in the past.

This being a horror movie, their car breaks down right in front of the house. So they go inside for shelter overnight.

Then comes the killer. What more can I say? There’s stabbing, screaming, running, and cat and mouse games, and plenty of aspects of this film make it pretty obvious the creators grew up watching Scream movies. A lot. Definitely worth a watch for slasher fans.

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NETFLIX AND CHILLS: Asian vs. American vs. German horror

It’s a trio of horror flicks from my watchlist, two that have been there for a while because I often find Netflix’s “higher end” selection of horror movies to be a huge disappointment—like two of the three movies I watched for this post…

THE 8th NIGHT (2021)

This Asian film is ridiculously long considering the story it’s telling. It easily could have been shaved by 25 minutes to improve the pacing. Even then, it’s not exactly the most compelling demon-fighting flick out there.

Opening narration and graphics tell us the backstory of a Buddha who slayed a demon and locked its red and black eyes away separately, warning that they should never meet again.

Wouldn’t you know that in the modern day, some jerk reunites the eyes.

A monk and his cute young assistant spend the rest of the movie trying to hunt down those who have been possessed by the eyes in order to stop the demon from taking over the world.

The two standout possessed victim are a young guy with a half zombie face and a school girl, because in Asian horror you simply have to have a scary school girl. Half zombie face ends up being the final boss, but the school girl is definitely the best part of the movie. She does that creaky tick thing with her joints, she smiles eerily, and she goes around sniffing the air.

Important to note is that the monk and his assistant don’t take on these demons until over an hour into the movie. Ugh. The school girl’s battle scene is way better than the final fight with half zombie face.

AFTERMATH (2021)

I will always watch horror flicks starring one of the Ashmore twins, but I was concerned about the near 2-hour running time of Aftermath. Now that I’ve seen it, I can safely say it could have been trimmed by 25 minutes to bring the horror closer together. As it stands, it’s like watching a drama about a couple constantly fighting in their struggle to keep a toxic relationship together while noticing occasional signs of a presence in their new house.

They buy the house knowing there was just a murder/suicide in it, and in between their fighting, cliché as hell occurrences begin spooking her. Their dog barks at shadows. A tennis ball magically moves from under the bed to on it. Faucets turn on by themselves. I had to keep reminding myself there are ten-year olds who’ve never seen anything like this before…

That’s not to say there aren’t a couple of effective scenes, the most notable being when a sibling comes to the house while they’re not home. However, that leads to one of many plot holes in the film. Let’s just say the sibling disappears, and yet no one ever questions what became of her…specifically her own sister!

The story starts to spiral beyond the fear that there’s something in the house. There is poisoning, a car set on fire, sexual assault…and when the couple is suddenly being accused of white supremacy, all bets were off for how the film was going to hold up.

And when the wife, who has been wanting out of the house because she’s so terrified, decides to stay in the home alone without her husband, I gave up. Also, I totally sensed what the “twist” to this “haunted house” movie was going to be early on, yet it was still rather absurd when it was revealed—and done much better in other films.

THE PRIVILEGE (2022)

The Boys from Brazil meets Invasion of the Body Snatchers meets Disturbing Behavior in this German horror flick. The hubby and I were drawn in right from the start, and the movie kept us watching.

As a kid, a young man watched his older sister losing her mind, convinced they were being pursued by some sinister force. She tried to get him to do the unthinkable, and as a result…he did something else unthinkable instead.

In the present day, he is still suffering trauma from the incident. He sees a therapist, and she has him take a drug to help with his mental struggles.

But he begins to see freaky visions he thinks are real and becomes convinced there’s something coming for his twin sister.

With the help of his lesbian friend and an expert on funguses and possession, he starts to delve into the possible supernatural occurrences that are making everyone think he is going mad…and possibly affecting the children of privileged families.

It’s an intriguing mixture of classic horror plots we’ve seen before, and although it has some questionable moments and clarification issues, it’s still highly entertaining.

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Triple feature from the 1950s and 1960s

Dusting off the decades to bring you this flashback of fear…or not. Let’s get into them.

IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE (1953)

It’s a thrill that an old sci-fi flick based on the writings of Ray Bradbury was made in 3D, but unfortunately the Blu-ray release is specifically made for the failed 3D TVs that were hot for like a second and then flopped. There’s no classic red/blue glasses option, leaving me to watch this one in 2D.

I’d say it’s just as enjoyable. This is the epitome of sci-fi scary of the 50s, right down to that eerie whistling alien music effect. Love it.

A hetero couple sees something crash to earth through their telescope. When they head into the wilderness to check it out, the man goes into the crater and sees a one-eyed monster in a spaceship before it is buried by an avalanche.

No one believes him.

But the people in town start to change. This is Invasion of the Body Snatchers without the pods. We get plenty of one-eyed POV as numerous people are attacked in a swirl of smoke machines on an isolated desert road, including none other than the professor from Gilligan’s Island.

There are some truly creepy scenes in this little film, even if it is as cliché as they come by today’s standards. The action even gets a little silly when a laser shooting rod is whipped out near the end, but we do get to see a space ship make its escape.

THE BRAIN EATERS (1958)

This little sci-fi horror flick also has elements of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, plus hints of Invaders from Mars and various other alien life form movies of the era. It’s pretty low budget and not big on special effects or even alien pay-off, but it’s only an hour, so it’s a fun watch if you’re hankering for some old school drive-in thrills.

Interestingly, it takes place in a town called Riverdale. I wonder what Archie felt about that back then. A conical metal structure appears in the woods, the mayor goes missing, there are some mysterious murders, and a senator comes to see what’s up. The cone is indestructible, so the senator kind of demands that a scientist just get his ass in there and see what’s up.

That’s like a senator today being like, “COVID is fake! Don’t believe the scientists! Hey, scientist, inject yourself with this COVID virus and see what happens.”

Law enforcement and scientists soon discover there are parasites attaching themselves to the backs of victims necks. The kicker? We never get to see the attaching action! Yawn.

It’s really rather lame as a result, but there is a trio of guys in a sort of hypnotic state that goes around with a fish bowl of these parasites to attach to the necks of others. That’s about as scary as it gets, including a parasite POV when they release one into the bedroom window of a sleeping woman.

Eventually we get a glimpse of these hairy critters they call leeches in the movie. Most interesting is the sort of god-like spokesperson who shows up at the end to explain why the aliens are there, offering a cool sci-fi philosophy.

The bottom line is that humans spend so much time looking for strife rather than peace and harmony. In other words, shit never changes for us miserable fucking human beings.

EYE OF THE DEVIL (1966)

This is an okay occult sacrifice and ritual film that definitely shows signs of things to come in later movies, but it’s generally tame and not very compelling.

A man is called to one of his vineyards because the crops are all dried up. He tells his wife to stay home, but she instead surprises him with the kids in tow.

She soon fears something is very wrong at the vineyard. There’s a weird on site priest played by Donald Pleasence. There’s a creepy pretty pair lurking around and terrorizing her—a dude who is good with a bow and arrow and a young, beautiful Sharon Tate, who bewitches the children. So tragic that Sharon was murdered. She sizzled on screen in this minor role and could have become quite a horror icon.

There’s also a cult in black robes that makes the wife’s life miserable as she tries to unravel the mysteries behind the land. A scene of her being hunted by them in the woods is the horror highlight for me.

Although there are plenty of pagan aspects to the plot, when it comes down to it, there’s a major religious aspect behind the attempt by the staff to resurrect the grape vines.

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Ghosts on a boat, a killer girl group, and sexy vampires

I’ve added a handful of new movies to my Blu-ray collection, mostly from the 2000s, but I’ll reach back to the 90s once for this post due to an original/remake double feature. Let’s get into them.

GHOST SHIP (2002)

You gotta love a movie famous for having a kick-ass opening scene…and then turning into such a derivative supernatural snoozefest after. Yes, the opening is the only reason I felt compelled to finally add Ghost Ship to my collection.

That amazing scene helped launch the trend of people getting cleanly sliced in pieces in horror movies. Beyond saying that a cable goes rogue on the dance floor of a cruise ship, it’s best to show the impact with pictures.

Next we meet an all-star ocean salvage crew including the likes of Gabriel Byrne, Julianna Margulies, and that homophobe Isaiah Washington. They stumble upon a giant empty ship and board it.

As the group splits up and each member has a unique haunting experience, what transpires is a ridiculously cliché string of horror scares, including rats, a skeleton in a closet, blood dripping from walls, maggots in food, apparitions in mirror reflections, and a little ghost girl.

In fact, watching Ghost Ship and actually struggling to stick with it for the first time in 20 years, I realize it seems to be going for the same vibe as The Shining in many ways. But why watch this when you can just watch The Shining?

POISON IVY: THE SECRET SOCIETY (2008)

I was thinking the imbalance in my life might be due to the fact that I never completed my Poison Ivy collection, so I can now finally experience a fleeting moment of inner peace.

Aside from griping that this isn’t actually a true sequel to the series, the general online whine is that it’s a Lifetime channel movie. But the fact that there are nude scenes in the uncut version on physical disc makes it clear this film was not made for Lifetime. It was made, then censored, than passed off as a Lifetime original.

In truth, it feels like a David DeCoteau skin flick….with chicks instead of dicks. The first scene is a perfect example. We see a pretty young woman running through a dark building in terror. Then we hear her scream but see nothing that transpires to cause that scream.

Next, a pretty blonde named Daisy is making out with her shirtless pretty boy boyfriend in the back of his pickup truck. He just bought her a farm basically, but she has other plans: college!

She heads off to the school where the girl was murdered at the beginning. There’s a bitchy, secret society of girls that targets her when she scores an internship their leader feels entitled to.

But instead of doing direct damage to Daisy, they play her, welcoming her into their group and making her think they are on her side, when actually they plan to take her down. There’s even what feels like a sexual Satanic ritual. I wish.

The leader of the group proves to be a psycho, but it comes way too late in the game to make this an even vaguely fun killer thriller. She literally murders one person if you don’t count the girl from the beginning. Yawn.

EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE (1995)

Come for the vampires, stay for the sex. An erotic/romantic vampire flick, Embrace of the Vampire is a fave with many kids of the 90s because it was the dawning of a new age for Alyssa Milano after her years on Who’s the Boss?.

I finally decided to add this popular title from my days working at the video store to my collection…and then discovered there was a remake and the completist in me would need that one, too.

It has a pretty cool cast, including Martin Kemp of Spandau Ballet as the vampire, and horror veterans Jordan Ladd and Rachel True as Alyssa’s friends on her college campus.

Alyssa plays a virginal good girl who is leaving her cute, New Kids On The Block looking boyfriend with blue balls. But she’s also having sensual dreams about a vampire that wants to have sex with her…and eventually does as her dreams become more and more erotic.

The film is directed by a woman, and the sex scenes are very sensual, with lesbianism, Alyssa’s bodacious boobs, and even man butt.

There are also some non-dream orgies that are just as sexy, and have a totally nineties vibe. Best of all, the man vamp feasts on a couple of men before the film is through in his goal to make Alyssa all his, giving us some hints of homoerotica.

The other good news is that some blood does flow, but this is really a vampire romance with some beautifully shot scenes, not a straight-up vampire flick, so don’t expect hardcore horror here.

EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE (2013)

The remake is directed by a man, who also directed one of my indie zombie faves, Severed: Forest of the Dead. As a result, you come to this one for the horror not for the sex. The opener alone brings on a hardcore vampire attack in colonial days.

In modern times, our main girl has come from a Catholic school, is still virginal, and is attending college on a fencing scholarship. Her coach is sci-fi and horror hottie Victor Webster, who happened to be on Charmed with Alyssa Milano for a while.

He also happens to be the vampire here, but he keeps a low profile for a majority of the film. Instead, our main girl has numerous sexual dreams about her classmates that turn into vampire attack dreams.

We see someone killing off certain characters in practical ways with weapons, and the main girl has to cope with bullies, a pill-popping problem, and a guy she likes who may have ulterior motives.

The sex scenes are okay, but not as sensual as in the first film.

However, although it takes forever for Victor to finally come out of his coffin for some sucking action, when he does (over an hour into the movie) he brings on some kick-ass horror attacks. The horror aspects in the last 30 minutes are so much fun I kind of wish they had been prominently carried throughout the film. I have a feeling most horror fans simply won’t sit tight for the first hour to get to the horror money shots.

What disappointed me was that they cast this gorgeous man as the vampire and then don’t give him any sex scenes!

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HOLIDAY HORRORS: a killer leprechaun, a killer bunny, and a killer on Halloween

Three holidays, three movies to add to the holiday horror page. Let’s get right to them.

THE LEPRECHAUN’S CURSE (2021)

The sequel to The Leprechaun’s Game is its own story, so you don’t need to see the first film to watch it.

This plot is just bizarre. A couple inherits a house and invites their friends over to party. The leprechaun is up to his old tricks trying to reclaim his gold, but the problem is he seems to be planting it on victims that don’t even know anything about gold this time.

In fact, the movie is more about the main guy being a cheater and the main girl’s relationship with her mother.

The leprechaun is virtually an afterthought, and he’s much less of a slasher killer this time. Most of the time he opts to use his magic to just supernaturally choke people to death.

The only satisfying death scene has leprechaun plucking a bitch’s eye out with her own high heel.

And the most laughable moment is when the main girl tries to conquer the leprechaun by teasing him with the promise of a kiss.

EASTER BUNNY MASSACRE (aka: Easter Killing) (2021)

This little indie flick simply checks off all the most obvious slasher clichés, so it will be a welcome addition to your killer bunny Easter weekend marathons each year.

A group of young pretty people is celebrating Easter by a campfire. One girl in particular seems to be a bitch willing to ruin everyone’s lives by exposing their dirty secrets. The most obvious secret right from the moment she threatens to expose it without naming it is that one of the guys is gay. Ah, a closeted gay guy afraid of being outed to his friends in 2021. How antiquated. Even so, it scores this one a spot on the does the gay guy die? page.

Anyway, before she can spill her guts, it is the killer bunny to the rescue to spill her guts for her!

The big, unpolished bunny head is definitely a highlight here compared to the sleek looking bunny masks in other killer bunny movies.

When the group finds her body after passing out for the night, they all have blood on their hands (literally) and can’t remember what happened. So they assume one of them killed her.

Clearly they’ve never seen I Know What You Did Last Summer or dozens of other slashers with a similar setup. Flash ahead and they all get Easter reunion invitations signed by the dead girl…and they all show up! WTF?

There are some tight camera shots of the bunny lurking in the shadows, but don’t expect anything groundbreaking or particularly suspenseful. The group is drawn into an Easter egg hunt that instead leads to tape recordings that slowly chip away at their emotions.

Meanwhile, the bunny starts some okay kills. Other than covering a guy with melted chocolate, there’s nothing mind-blowing or even particularly gory. And it is kind of odd when a chase scene leads into the woods and the bunny has a flashlight!

Instead of a final girl, we get a final boy, and he does some major ass kicking. There’s a classic body reveal party, but the film goes for an excessive exposition final act, as made famous by Scream decades ago.

JACK LANTERN (2017)

This is a low budget indie—as in, the image looks washed out because of lack of proper lighting and the majority of the film looks like it was probably shot in the house of someone involved in making the movie.

On the bright side, it’s totally a Halloween movie.

On Halloween night, a group of friends makes it clear they think one girl is fat, but invite her brother along for a trip to a graveyard because they like him. Sadly, things end tragically for his sister.

Four years later there’s a Halloween party. The same girl who taunted the sister most about being overweight is still a hater, while everyone else is just partying.

Someone in Day of the Dead skeleton makeup comes in, has a weird black and white fantasy about slaughtering everyone at the party right there on the spot, and then starts to make fantasy a reality.

Considering the person in costume isn’t overweight, we know it isn’t the dead sister back from the dead. And because of something else that happens before the party, well, we know exactly who the killer is, so this is not a whodunit at all.

It’s also a very unpolished film that barely feels like it had a script, and the kill scenes are just as rough as all the filler scenes (there’s really not much in the way of entertaining non-death scenes here). If you’re aching for a new Halloween themed horror film, I guess you might as well check it out, but I don’t imagine it’s going to land on your annual Halloween season watchlist.

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NETFLIX AND CHILLS: making all kinds of sacrifices for better or worse

This trio of films is a good reminder of why Netflix is personally not my go-to place for a horror fix. I much prefer the less polished and much more fun indies Prime gets by the dozen. But since I watched them, I’ll let you know what you’re in for with this batch.

RATTLESNAKE (2019)

I decided to check out Rattlesnake because little Appy Pratt is in it, and she ruled in the Kristin Bell series The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window. Unfortunately, little Appy Pratt ends up left behind in a hospital for most of this movie.

A voodoo-esque tale, Rattlesnake is about a single mom on a road trip with her daughter. When they get a flat tire, her daughter is bit by a rattlesnake. A creepy woman in a trailer home nearby helps…and makes the bite vanish.

The mother brings her daughter to the hospital anyway, where she is visited by a man who tells her that she has until end of day to pay him back with a fresh soul, otherwise her daughter’s rattlesnake bite will return and she’ll die.

This become a morality tale as the mother struggles with the task of killing someone…and figuring out who the hell she can kill in the middle of a desert town. There are various supernatural elements to it as she researches the murderous history of the area, but this isn’t much on horror in the end.

I feel the witchy woman in the trailer home is totally wasted—she’s forgotten soon after the mother leaves the trailer home, and none of the other mysterious figures the mother encounters reminding her of what she needs to do along the way can live up to the witchy woman’s presence.

THE SWARM (2020)

I’ve done my best over the decade to forget anything and everything religion has ever taught me, but I imagine there’s some religious metaphor buried in this movie about a single mom who has a rural farm where she raises locusts.

However, from my horror perspective, this is mostly “Let the Right Locust In”. It’s essentially a movie about vampire locusts that demand their keeper protect them and feed them blood on a regular basis.

It’s also really slow, with much of that time being filled with icky close-ups of locusts. I’m itchy just thinking about it.

Eventually the struggling mom accidentally discovers that her suffering herd of locusts is craving blood, so she starts cutting herself to feed them…so she can make money to feed her family. Weird and so symbolic.

You’d think this would quickly turn into a horror movie about a woman feeding humans to her locusts. Instead it drags on and on as she serves as an intravenous bag for them, until they finally attack the family goat (I really don’t understand rural living).

Does that compel her to start feeding them humans? Nope. This turns into a horror movie that would terrify animals. She feeds them a dog. And a cow. So not cool. I thought it was going to become a thing, but finally the secret gets out, the locusts get out, there are minimal attacks on humans, and this damn movie does nothing to ensure that this psycho woman gets what she deserves. I was really dissatisfied by how it ends.

THE OLD WAYS (2020)

This is a slight variation on the same old possession/exorcism theme, approached through the lens of Mexican spirituality and superstitions. It opens with a brief exorcism with a young girl in attendance. The abrupt scare got my hopes up that there would be some fun to come.

Then we meet a reporter who has been abducted by locals while doing a story in the place where her family comes from. These somewhat primitive people believe she is the devil and begin putting her through a series of rituals to try to battle the demon.

Slowly but surely, the reporter sort of gets brainwashed as if by a cult, believing that all the negative aspects of her life are due to the fact that she is indeed possessed. Therefore, she becomes a willing participant in exorcising and defeating the demon within.

It’s an interesting concept that just doesn’t make for a very compelling movie as presented here. If you’re looking for major possession action, you’ve come to the wrong place, but there is a bit of demonic fun crammed into the last few minutes of the film.

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