Modern horror impulse buyer beware part 3

As a victim of my own disease—impulsiveness—many are the times I’ve bought horror just because it was there and maybe the cover looked good or I had nothing better to buy. So here are some more overviews of some modern horror.

CLONED: The Recreator Chronicles (2012)

Imagine a slasher…in which you’re being stalked by yourself! That’s the premise of CLONED: The Recreator Chronicles.

Two guys and a girl go camping by a lake—and end up breaking into a nearby house to get out of the rain. But something bizarre is going on in this house. A mad genius has discovered a way to create exact replicas of people that have one goal—to kill the original!

Before long, the kids are running away from their naked clones. Then they sort of start hanging out with their clones, even having sex with them. Everyone knows a killer hates those who have sex. But what if the killer is participating in the sex?

Finally, the clones’ evil plans for their originals become apparent. And as can be expected, pretty soon, you have no idea who is the clone and who is the real person. And neither do the characters.

Fear not. 2 guys and a girl get away alive in the end. But which 2 guys and girl? CLONED: The Recreator Chronicles is a pretty typical modern slasher with the whole clone thing being its big claim to originality.

CRAWLSPACE (aka: The Attic) (2012)

Lori Loughlin, Jonathan Silverman, and Steve Weber. Sounds more like the TV Land Awards show than a horror movie, huh? Crawlspace is basically a remake of the 1986 film with Klaus Kinski, polished to have the feel of recent thrillers such as Disturbia and the remake of The Stepfather.

And I’m not going to lie. If you like the suspense of those films, this one will entertain you. Steven Weber is the previous owner of the house—who happens to still live in the crawlspace (more like the attic, which is why the movie was released under that title as well). And he’s kind of crazy. And he totally rox as a sadistic bastard! His performance is the main reason to watch this one.

Not to mention, the daughter’s boyfriend is a hottie, and when they’re making out and hear a noise she wants him to check on, they have a friendly argument about how black guys make out in horror movies…by listing the fate of rappers in horror movie, including Ice Cube in Anaconda, LL Cool J in Deep Blue Sea, and Busta Rhyme in Halloween Resurrection.

I didn’t say the movie wasn’t a cheesy clichéd mess.

DRACULA 3000 (2004)

Yeah. Who cares about these sci-fi “Dracula-in-space” movies? Casper Van Dien and horror icon Udo Kier are in this one, but all that really matters is that Coolio still has that hair, turns into a vampire (Dracoolio!), and talks about wanting to jizz all over a chick’s tits. I so wanted him to bust out into a chorus of “Vampsta’s Paradise.”

Hey, Crawlspace. You forgot to mention Coolio in Dracula 3000.

THE GRAVES (2009)

The Graves is like three different movies in one. First, there’s this big Charlie Daniels dude killing people in a junkyard. Then these two goth sisters get chased around by him in this old roadside attraction, take care of him…and fall victim to Bill Moseley wearing a pig nose. More blood is shed and they end up in the hands of reverend Tony Todd and his crazy cult, which includes Amanda “Tina” Wyss of A Nightmare on Elm Street and some mysterious force that hunts them down.

You have to ask yourself. Have you really exhausted all other horror movie options?

THE BURROWERS (2008)

Tremors in the Wild Wild West. Cowboys vs. Indians vs. C.H.U.D. Creatures of the corn. You’ll be bored right up until the awesome reveal of the hideous burrowers in the final scenes of the film. This is one case in which keeping the monsters a mystery was a big mistake.

And watch out for that absurd country song that closes the movie.