It’s a double feature of devilish debauchery, but are sex and blood enough?
I AM VIRGIN (2010)
This is an earlier film from the director of the zomcom Stripperland, which features a gay hero, so I was hoping maybe there was some gay content here as well, considering it’s a spoof of I Am Legend about a world overrun by horny vampires.
Alas, this is a much less tightly crafted film than Stripperland and lacks both the humor and the horror of that film. It amounts to a weak plot strung together by a series of very long softcore porn scenes.
Our cute main dude is living alone with his basset hound. During the day they go scavenging, but they must always return home before dark, when the horny vampires emerge. We do at least get some pretty ominous inside settings and the feel of a post-apocalyptic world outside.
The main motivation of the main dude is that he was brought up by strict religious parents (and still suffers from PTSD and has nightmares about them), and he really wants to lose his virginity, but there aren’t any live women around to do it with.
He thinks of sex constantly and spends all his time sneaking into dark buildings to watch vampires have sex. That’s it. That’s the movie. This is the breakdown.
First dark building – he watches a lesbian vampire threesome with plenty of scissoring. They catch him watching and chase him through the building.
Second dark building – he sees straight vampire sex while another female vamp watches. They chase him through the building when they see him.
Third dark building – a bald muscle hunk vampire and woman vamp have sex, see him watching, and ask him to join in. He runs away.
Third dark building – he sees a vampire hottie with 90s boy band vibes having sex with a female vamp.
Fourth dark building – he sees another straight vampire couple having sex. He almost jerks off while watching them but then runs away out of guilt.
Next, he comes to the home of a male vamp, played by none other than Ron Jeremy, who gives him some advice on how to get laid.
He ends up at a sex club where all the female vampires want him. He decides to wait and find a nice mortal girl to have sex with.
The end.
While the emphasis is on naked woman, the men are all quite sexy and definitely get some camera time, but the focus is mostly on their torsos with only occasional hints of man ass. Even so, this one earns a spot on the stud stalking page.
CANDY LAND (2022)
Based on the description of this movie–whores working at a trucker motel getting sliced and hacked–I really thought this was going to be a sleazy sexploitation slasher. Instead, the movie is sleazy serious and delves into the world of desperate kids selling their bodies for survival, as well as the damage religious grooming can do to children.
It’s 1996, “Pets” by Porno for Pyros is blasting on the radio, and a hooker is having sex with a trucker in his truck outside a seedy motel. It’s also Christmastime–each hooker’s room is decorated with a little Christmas tree, Christmas music plays several times throughout the film, and there’s a client dressed as Santa, landing this one on the holiday horror page.
Also, one of the hookers is a pansexual hustler dude who hooks up with male truckers, landing this one on the does the gay guy die? page.
The skanky tone is set right from the start. There’s a proselytizing preacher at the motel with his children, there’s a shower scene with female bush, there’s a full pussy flash, and Billy Baldwin is the local sheriff who gets off on getting the male hustler alone and making him do stuff for him.
There is an icky period scene in the women’s restroom…along with a dead body. As Baldwin investigates, one of the main hookers sees that the teen daughter of the preacher has stayed behind after he left, so she becomes protective of her and brings her into the group of hookers. Their “madam” quickly enlists the religious girl into work.
This turns out not to be a whodunit. The killer is very upfront about slashing the pervy men that come to the motel, and there are plenty of nasty sexual situation, including a priest that makes slurping sounds and removes his dentures to go down on a hooker, as well as a truck driver who viciously rapes the hustler.
Although the movie is dark and depressing, it shows a very human side to the young people lured into this lascivious lifestyle. It’s quite tragic, because we see that they all really care about each other, and even Billy Baldwin’s character is not two dimensional, for this straight-presenting douche is actually harboring deep feelings for the young hustler.
The kills are brutal and bloody, and there are a whole lot of them, but this isn’t a movie meant to scare you. It’s all about the violent, totally expected religious insanity. And for longtime slasher fans, there’s a very familiar element to this movie that comes from the 80s direct-to-video flick Splatter University…the killer’s knife is hidden inside a crucifix. Therefore, it’s kind of convenient that the film serenades us with 90s music on the way in but goes for the 80s in the end with the Crowded House hit “Don’t Dream It’s Over”.
