How do zombies really get to earth?

Conveniently, I watched two indie zombie films on the same night that are absolutely nothing alike except for one thing…these zombies don’t crawl up from the grave….

EVILUTION (2008)

Evilution is the serious zombie film in this 2fer. This one has a killer prologue done in modern frenetic zombie style. The scene takes place on an army base and features runners and immediate gut-munching. And almost like the ending of a Resident Evil video game, the base is blown sky high!

But don’t expect that pace to be kept up, because it immediately turns into the usual zombie outbreak pattern with a whole bunch of plotting leading up to the real guts of the film. There’s this cute Jeremy Sisto looking dude—with a banging body he shows off pretty quickly—who moves into a rundown apartment building. He also happens to have on him a strain of the virus that caused the original outbreak on the army base. Uh-oh.

Also living in the apartment building is this gang of trouble-making hot Latin dudes, one of them being the Kea-NO Reeves dude from The Doom Generation. He and his buddy pretty much bring the comic relief to the film, including some gay banter.

It takes a while for the action to really pick up again, but eventually a guy dies and Jeremy Sisto dude decides to bring him back to life. Once the zombie outbreak begins running rampant in the building, it enters Quarantine territory. The only weird thing is that we’re suddenly presented with all these tenants that we don’t know, including a chick in a towel—who of course loses it as soon as the zombies attack. And isn’t that all that really matters?

The zombie action is awesome fun and a hot burly army man played by one Tim Colceri (who always plays an army guy) enters the scene for a battle to the death…or undeath.

I’ve read many online complaints about the odd government conspiracy/alien angle that explains the zombie outbreak, but who cares? The guys are hot, the zombie action is gore-tastic, and condoms are put to good use to take down the zombies.

No really. This is the serious film in this double feature….

ZOMBIEGEDDON (2003)

From Troma comes Zombiegeddon! The film opens with Uwe Boll, who lets us know it’s the worst film ever…

And then we get Tom Savini and his beard and furry chest in bed with a look of pure pleasure on his face, which negates everything Uwe Boll just said. Tom is banging none other than Brinke Stevens, who even shows some tittays, which I haven’t seen her do in a while.

This movie is LOADED with b-movie cameos, including Joe Estevez, Lloyd Kaufman, Tina Krause, Linnea Quigley, Julie Strain, and Felissa Rose, who proves that when she’s not playing that chick with a dick Angela, she is a fricking awesome scream queen. She’s barely in the movie, but she rules! Also starring in the film is cute scream king Jeff Dylan Graham, who starred in the gay horror flicks October Moon and Baby Jane? plus tons of other b-movies.

So anyway, Brinke is a radio show host who tells her listeners a tale of the zombies who walk among us on earth….

Forget about infections and toxic barrels. The devil just sits in a cave somewhere with his meek assistant, putting zombies on earth when he feels like it—and he can even make them look like regular people!

In typical crappy Troma fashion, Zombiegeddon has plenty of weird shit going on. There is a mega hot zombie-killing daddy with a tiger on a leash. There’s a bald daddy cop who likes to pull groups of young men in cars over to the side of the road, make them kiss each other, and then masturbate his nightstick into their windows (loving his facial hair below).

There are HUGE tits—with nipple rings! Awesome! There’s a burly ninja zombie. Lloyd Kaufman is a school janitor who is more afraid of butt fucking homos than he is of zombies. There’s even a Maniac Cop reference made by the actual Maniac Cop!

While there are typical Troma zombies and gore and guts throughout this mess, much of the film revolves around the bald daddy cop and his younger sidekick going on calls, exchanging humorous (or not) lines, and committing crimes of their own. Eventually they get called to the school for the major zombie siege segment of the film, which is always the best part of any zombie movie.

Then, just when you think Brinke Stevens’s zombie tale is a bunch of BS, it looks like she’s all prepared for her own spinoff movie: Brinke Stevens—Zombie Slayer! I wish!