Now that’s the kind of face you want to see dodging the swipe of a slasher’s knife, flashing vampiric fangs, or covered in the goop of a zombie he just blasted away. I could watch any horror movie Ross Kelly does. Actually, I’ve watched them all. Here’s the breakdown of just how much Ross we get in each one.
THE STINK OF FLESH (2005)
The Stink of Flesh is an in-your-face movie about characters driven by a need to fulfill their sexual fantasies while fending off zombies. Seriously. That’s pretty much the plot.
There’s some other stuff, but this one is all about the gut-munching action, raunchy sex, noticeable sexual tension between the two hot male leads (one of them being Ross, of course), and zombies with gray-painted faces…who still look better than the blue zombies in the original Dawn of the Dead. My kind of zombie flick.
Ross Kelly might be the featured horror hunk of this blog, but our other hero, played by geeky sexy Kurly Tlapoyawa—a zombie-killing machine in glasses—hogs the camera…in a good way. He’s naked a lot, gets his meaty little bubble butt spanked with a paddle during numerous doggy style sex scenes with Ross spectating, takes a bath while Ross watches, and walks around showing off his sweet body with just his hands over his goods. And take a gander at the outtakes for even more revealing shots of Kurly, including some between-the-thighs swinging ball bag action if you watch closely (I did).
There’s also a naked female zombie chained up just for Ross’s pleasure, interracial lesbian action shot in gloriously artistic black and white, and a chick with a monster attached to her belly.
If the perfect title The Stink of Flesh doesn’t give you an idea of what you’re in for before you watch it, you don’t really have an excuse to complain about it after.
PRETTY DEAD THINGS (2006)
Leave it to a gay director to bring out the best in a man. In director Richard Griffin’s Pretty Dead Things, Ross is so fricking sexy beautiful as a vampire and his comic acting skills are brought to the forefront. He also gets shirtless and does a porn scene in which he, shall we say, gives head.
Oh yeah. Did I mention that Pretty Dead Things is a sleazoid vampire flick? Trashy, raunchy, disgusting, campy. I love this movie. The only downside is that Ross doesn’t play the gay vampire.
But, despite Ross having no man-on-man action, it’s really not a downside, because the guy who does play the gay vampire is perfectly cast. He’s seductively sexy, sinister, and a bitchy queen all at once.
WEDDING SLASHERS (2006)
Wedding Slashers is all over the place in a good, bizarro way. It opens with not one but TWO flashback scenes of murder and mayhem.
First, it’s 40 years ago and a couple’s car gets stranded and are brutally slaughtered (especially her) at the hands of someone in a gas mask who spouts some shit about love.
Next, it’s only 5 years ago, another couple is parked on prom night, and the dude gets dragged out of the car and made into mincemeat by a chainsaw!
Now it’s present day. Ross is at his bachelor party with none other than his buddy Kurly Tlapoyawa from The Stink of Flesh by his side (what a b-movie bromance they have together). There’s some T&A at the strip club, but there’s also major guys in jockstraps action at the bachelorette party! Wahoo!
The day of the wedding, it feels like NO ONE is around beforehand except the bride, groom, and their friends. However, there are some uninvited wedding crashers in masks—and the movie takes a funny turn. Didn’t see the horror comedy angle coming, but it gets even better as the film progresses. The baddies have some of the funniest dialogue of all! Once again, Ross gets to flex his comedy muscle. So adorable. One of the baddies thinks so, too, as he expresses interest in playing with Ross’s mouth. No one can resist those pillowy lips.
As icing on the wedding cake, infamous horror icon Richard Lynch appears in the last half of the film.
Despite a low budget, which can be seen through the rough looking film quality (which I love) and moments such as a helicopter that can be seen flying overhead during a death scene, Wedding Slashers is an excellently brutal and gory slasher that takes a darkly comic and twisted turn.
ARMY OF THE DEAD (2008)
Army of the Dead is like a cheesy SyFy Network executive’s call for “a movie like The Mummy,” with Ross landing the Brendan Fraser role. Plot is straightforward. Buggy racers go out to the desert for some fun. But one of the guys actually has plans to dig up hidden treasure. The army of skeletons it belongs to isn’t happy…
Ross looks SO GOOD in this film and we see him temporarily in boxer briefs (but they’re too baggy!). The skeleton army is a load of cool. The movie has a cartoonish feel with absurd CGI blood, but the tone of the film doesn’t play along. It takes itself pretty serious, which sucks out all the fun.
In the end, when it’s down to Ross and his leading lady, her battle with some skeleton soldiers totally rox, blowing away Ross’s simultaneous battle with other skeleton soldiers. My hubby will watch this kind of simple action-fantasy flick dozens of times if it’s on SyFy, but it lacks any oomph for my trashy tastes.
ROMEO & JULIET vs. THE LIVING DEAD (2009)
How dare they not cast beautiful Ross Kelly as our leading man! But I’m glad…because Romeo is a zombie! I don’t want that pretty face covered in gore!
I’m shocked Romeo & Juliet vs. The Living Dead has not gotten any exposure. This is straight up gory zombedy awesomeness. Heck, it’s even a rom-zom (is there such a thing?). And it’s to Shakespeare what the book Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is to Jane Austen.
This is an incredibly entertaining, modern day retelling, with humans and zombies living sort of in harmony (like True Blood with zombies). The characters use Old English-tinged language (that doesn’t need to be translated like real Shakespeare!), with lines from the actual play thrown in here and there. Brilliant.
Our leading lady Juliet looks incredibly like Emily Blunt at times. And Ross plays a devilish Paris, doing perverted dances with a hot dog, gyrating his groin into Mercutio’s face, running around in little 80s shorts, and considering getting head from the dead. While the movie is loaded with gut-munching, it’s most definitely an all-out comedy; it’s even laugh-out-loud at times.
Aside from it being a great zombedy with Ross Kelly in it, I also particularly like the bearishly cute “friar”…especially when he gets in a hot tub. And finally, I fricking love the song “All Night” by Joshua Tyler, which is used during the party scene. Apparently, it’s from an episode of Ugly Betty and I can’t find it on CD anywhere.
KLOWN KAMP MASSACRE (2010)
I’ll start with the bad news. Ross Kelly is wearing clown makeup throughout this slasher. Although, unlike the other clowns at the camp, he just wears accent makeup. Clearly the director didn’t want to fully waste that stunning face. Also, while we get to see a nice meaty man ass in a thong—it’s not Ross’s ass.
Klown Kamp Massacre comes to us from Troma, so you have to have a particular bad sense of humor to enjoy the slapstick clown comedy, gags, and quips that plague the movie. My personal favorite is when Ross is being chased by a killer Volkswagon and is doing the over-exaggerated clown run, even though he’s not wearing his clown shoes.
Students at clown school get picked off by a wisecracking, chuckling clown. There are only hints of creepy atmosphere, but the kills are gore-tastic: Head explosion by a clown car doing donuts; a pie and cake knife to the face; TWO deaths of perverse, orgasmic bliss; and a brilliantly absurd tree kill that made me laugh out loud.
Although it has typical Troma appeal, Klown Kamp Massacre goes into classic slasher mode at the end, with our final girl tied up and surrounded by all her dead friends. And you really don’t see the twist coming despite it being one we’ve all seen (and loved) before. Totally awesome. Another great touch is the confrontation with a killer in the middle of the movie that lacks continuity…unless you watch after the credits, when it’s explained. Very clever.
Finally, there’s the amazing “new wave” theme song “Klown Kamp (Make My Dreams Come True)” by Isaac Kappy. I fricking love this song. It perfectly mimics the 80s. Where can I get this on CD???
And there you have it. The beauty of Ross Kelly in horror. I sure hope he continues to appear in obscene exploitative stuff, because he SERIOUSLY needs to do a nude scene and show off the buns!!!