In my latest movie marathon, I was only disappointed by one choice from my streaming watchlists. Let’s find out which one and why.
BLOOD HARVEST (2023)
This 80-minute film is astonishingly uneventful and offers absolutely no chills or thrills. It’s like someone had a good idea for a plot but then didn’t figure out a way to make it unfold with any sort of tension or suspense.
There’s not much to say, considering not much happens. A woman, her two teen kids, and her second husband come to stay at her family home in a small town. The kids begin to suspect weird things happen in the town, in part because a man confronts them and tells them they should leave.
The kids find a CB in a barn and communicate with what sounds like a child, but they can’t extract enough information from the child to piece anything together. There are numerous flashbacks allowing viewers to know there were sacrificial rituals in this town…where there don’t appear to be any children. It’s Grown Ups of the Corn basically. I just don’t understand how life continues to go on in this town if they never let children reach procreation age.
Even so, that plot could have made this a terrifying ride for the two teens as they try to escape a cult of adults, but it’s really bland and over before anything actually starts to happen.
NIGHT HARVEST (2024)
Indie director Charlie Steeds’ movies rarely disappoint me, and this little slasher was another goody. It’s sort of like a Pumpkinhead concept with an actual pumpkin-headed killer.
The first scene is shot in black and white and has a farm family torturing and killing a goon who lives in the mountains after he commits a heinous act. It takes place on Halloween night, and the rest of the movie appears to be set in the fall, but this isn’t an official Halloween-themed horror movie, for the holiday is never mentioned again. However, the music used for the opening credits is clearly inspired by John Carpenter’s Halloween theme.
Next, a group of young people is traveling in an RV. They are soon being pursued by the police, because it turns out one of them has pyrokinesis and accidentally caused a devastating fire.
Just for the hell of it, we are introduced to the scarecrow-like killer in an awesome scene in which two young dudes make a pitstop in a cornfield to pee. There’s something almost gay about their connection, but they aren’t around long enough for us to really get a sense of any character traits.
In classic slasher style, the main group finds somewhere to crash for the night, has sex, and is stalked and viciously slaughtered by the killer. Awesome. If only there were more victims for a higher body count.
There’s no actual explanation as to why the killer came back for revenge, but he’s obviously supernatural, and he can also get inside the head of victims and make them see and hear things. It’s definitely an underdeveloped killer concept, but it’s fun purely for the slasher aspect, and of course, the main dude’s pyrokinesis comes into play for the final battle.
#CHADGETSTHEAXE (2022)
I’m not usually a fan of the most cookie cutter found footage films, which this essentially is even if it’s actually supposed to be a live stream, and I loathe obnoxious influencer movies, but this one worked for me simply because it had a few clever and unique death scenes. I just wish there had been more of them.
There’s a small group of irritating as fuck influencers (do people in real life actually enjoy the over-the-top shtick of these shallow people?), and their chronic need for attention leads them to Devils Manor, previously a home of a satanic cult that committed murders.
As they explore the location, split up, and piss on a pentagram they find on the floor to entertain the masses that keep them “employed”, we are subjected to all the viewer comments scrolling up the side of the screen. Ugh. The constant text posts don’t do the otherwise pretty good atmosphere any favors.
There are a few creepy death scenes, and eventually our leading man Chad finds himself alone and being chased by someone in a mask and hooded robe and carrying an axe. What’s so satisfying about the final act is that we get to watch one of these self-important influencers receive backlash…911 knows who he is and hangs up on him, and online haters cheer on the possibility that what they’re watching is real and that Chad is actually going to get murdered. Teehee.
