Betrothed reminds me why it is so important that I ignore the star rating averages on the Internet; I would have missed this hilarious dark comedy horror if I had.
Betrothed rules! I feared I was in for yet another torture porn aimed at targeting and mutilating pretty young woman. Sure, there’s some of that misogyny here, but it is so tongue-in-cheek that I had no problem digesting it (It’s always easier to do when it’s cut up into smaller pieces).
Our family of Trump cultists…I mean…hillbilly crazy Christian rapist/murderers is comprised of a campy mom, her big scary hunk of a son, and the more gullible son who looks like a burnout from Dazed and Confused.
Hunky hillbilly Adam Dunnells is horror hottie goodness, and has appeared in quite a few films (Hoodoo for Voodoo, The Woods Have Eyes, Mega Shark vs. Kolussus, I Spit On Your Grave: Vengeance is Mine), some of which I’m immediately adding to my must-see list…as in, I must see how much flesh Adam Dunnells shows in each of these films.
The family is busily trying to find Dazed and Confused a nice wife, because Dunnells already has one—who is resistant and miserable. If I got kidnapped by a murdering, raping psycho hillbilly family and got stuck being the subservient bitch Dunnells tries to impregnate on a daily basis…
…Dunnells would be like, “Bitch, how many times do I have to tell you to get off the floor and take off the gag ball and ropes? It’s no fun forcing myself on you if you keep tying yourself up.”
Anyway, the family simply kills the slutty ones after Dazed and Confused fucks them in front of mom and brother, and it’s gory good (not the slaying, not the sex).
But then they finally think they’ve found the girl of his dreams…
Since the Olsen twins refuse to play Michelle on the Full House reboot, they might as well cast main girl Mikayla Gibson. She’s adorable, both on her own and during her interactions with her mom and sister in their full house…I mean…loving home.
But when she runs to the convenience store, she wakes up chained to a bed.
The crazy mom steals the show in the humor department (no surprise considering her name in real life is Bunny Gibson), but our main girl eventually encounters others while trying to escape who bring plenty more humor to the action, including an unexpected gay guy!
Also funny is the sexy black detective searching for her and wiping up the floor with any cracker trash that gets in his way.
And complicating matters is a load more hillbillies. Even horror king Bill Oberst Jr. gets in on the action by the last act.
Betrothed is midnight movie perfection if you ask me.