Cleaning out the DVR 2

This trio depletes my current stash of recorded movies. That’s the good news. Bad news is, only one of them was worth my personal time and taste.

ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE (2013)

Only Lovers Left Alive, about a vampire couple that mopes around all day lamenting their existence and relationship, stars sci-fi/fantasy darling Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston (Thor’s brother Loki in the superhero franchise). These are all my “I’d turn back if I were you” Wizard of Oz signs, but like Dorothy & Co., I’m an idiot and kept on going.

I’m totally the wrong person to be talking about this movie, because I really don’t give a shit about the emotional state of sad vampires. I want horror, dammit. I guess I’m just too alive for this kind of film, which is over two hours long, is painfully artsy, and features long, drawn out musical montages. See, the male vamp is a former rock star, and we get to suffer through every moment of his depression as he gets lost in his songs. The movie visually paints a picture of the vamps’ emotions as it explores their deep feelings.

After an hour, the chick vamp’s sister arrives, which is supposed to be the turning point that shakes things up. Instead, they are now all gloomy together. Plus, their pasty white asses all look alike; the women all have long blonde curls, and the guys all have thick black locks down to their shoulders. I couldn’t tell anyone apart.

They drive around a lot, they hang out at nightclubs. Eventually, the movie ends.

There are those who are really into the beauty of the “goth lifestyle,” and this movie does a brilliant job of making viewers as bored, dark, and moody as the vamps. I give it huge props, and I’m not being facetious. Eh, fuck it. I so am. Hey, if they can be pretentious, I can be facetious.

REAPER (2014)

Here I was hoping for something stupid  to wipe away the nightmares of all the smart I was being fed above. How do you mess up a cheesy slasher about a reaper killer? Watch Reaper and you’ll find out.

In some dusty, sandy state I’d never visit, a chick hitches rides, cons guys, and steals shit from them. Eventually, she meets up with Danny Trejo. Meanwhile, some dude apparently escaped execution and is on the run.

After about an hour of a movie that seems to be about criminal activities, everyone ends up at a sleazy hotel…along with the escaped prisoner, who has somehow—inexplicably—turned into a red-eyed form surrounded by lighting bolts. He eventually captures the chick, straps her in a chair, says some shit about needing to repent, and then Trejo comes and saves the day. This movie is seriously an utter disaster.

On the bright side, the daddy bear who plays the killer has cool tats and nice big areolas.

DARK AWAKENING (2014)

I have to admit, while this film owes a lot to The Shining—the lead kid’s name is even Danny—it’s a pretty entertaining and creepy flick with a bit of a twist at the end.

After his mother’s death, a husband moves into the house in which he grew up with his wife and son. The son begins to see ghost children, and they become his “imaginary friends.” Hard to believe since they’re pretty scary and look kind of like zombies. But the son does seem to quickly get freaked out, especially when one little girl crawls out of his tub like something out of The Ring.

Weird stuff starts happening around the house, the couple learns there are absolutely no children living in the town…just seniors, and Lance Henriksen shows up at their door as a priest (no matter what Lance is wearing, if he shows up at your door, you know there’s going to be trouble). Even the old folks around town get perversely interested in the son. But, the real problem begins when the hubby starts to lose his shit and go all Jack Torrance on his family.

The final sequences of this film are quite graphic and gruesome. My only (and usual) complaint—STOP using “”Mockingbird” as the scary lullaby in kiddie horror movies.