Check your boobs at the door (where they’ll definitely get eaten)

Strippers! Prostitutes! Burlesque dancers! Zombies! If you go into any of the 3 movies I’m about to discuss with ANY expectation other than boobs and blood, than a) you’ll be sorely disappointed, and b) you have no taste in movies.

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS (2008)

While all three films have their merits, there definitely is a hierarchy of which is the master and which are its bitches. Let’s just say if there was an AVN award for best zombie stripper movie ever, the award would go to, well, Zombie Strippers! You can’t be all that surprised. I mean, it stars porn powerhouse Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund in one of his best roles EVER.

There’s this virus that the government is working on to make “super soldiers” out of the dead under the Bush administration (George W., not pubes). Yeah, so if you worship boobs, blood, AND dick heads, you not only have a serious conflict of interests, but you also might be offended by this brilliant piece of liberal agenda trash.

Naturally, where there’s army men, there is…a strip club! No time is wasted. Jenna is on a pole, her boobs are out, and so is her beaver. And her real-life cutie gorilla juice head boyfriend Tito is the bouncer. Robert Englund is a germ-a-phobic sleazoid who owns the club. Girls dance and get naked, repeatedly. Lots of strippers means lots of cute guys in the strip club! Fun for everyone.

Finally, the infected army soldier bites Jenna and she turns into a pretty damn creepy sex slut zombie. She reminds me of Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body.

Freddy…I mean, Robert Englund…soon discovers that the male patrons are TOTALLY turned on by seductive zombie strippers who bring them in the back room for lap dances…at which point the strippers literally eat off their laps.

All hell breaks loose. There’s phenomenal gore, zombie lesbian stripper action, zombie stripper orgies, zombie va-jay-jays shooting ping pong balls…this movie rox. The only downside is the arrival of the army at the end, which actually ruins the flow of the film and makes the last 20 minutes or so drag. Although, some of the army soldiers are HOT, especially the baldy with the goatee.

ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES!
STRIPPERS vs. ZOMBIES (2008)

By total coincidence, in 2008, the same year Zombie Strippers became a cultural phenomena, ANOTHER film was released called Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! – Strippers vs. Zombies. But this one is completely unique. See, this time, It’s the strippers fighting off the zombies…who are predominantly strippers….and prostitutes.

Interestingly enough, in the prologue of the film, scream queen Tiffany Shepis is attacked by a hoard of what are being called zombie “super soldiers.” And despite her top billing, this is the ONLY scene Tiffany is in. WTF? When is Tiffany going to get the true horror film lead role she deserves?

By sheer fate, people begin to turn into zombies—at the local strip club.

The film really should have been called “Strippers vs. Prostitutes vs. Zombies.” A bunch of strippers, prostitutes, bouncers, pimps, and the adorable leading man hole up in the strip club fending off zombies. While the film is only an hour and 20 minutes long, they should have cut about 20 minutes. It gets a bit bogged down by plot, dialogue, and romance. There are plenty of jokes, some very funny, many which fall flat.

There is some great gore in this one, more lap dancing and crotch munching, an homage to Snakes on a Plane, big nipple ringed zombie boobs, an awesome first in which the zombies don’t bother banging on windows or doors but instead smash right through a wall, and an incredibly original ending that presents a whole new way to blow the heads off all these undead be-otches—without using a shotgun.

ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN (2009)

Zombie burlesque dancers! No, I’m not talking about Cher and Christina Aguilera. This is 2009’s Zombie Women of Satan. There’s no Satan, but there’s plenty of boobs and blood. This is the U.K.’s take on zombie strippers. This time around, there’s just some crazy old dude living in the country and making women into zombies.

Along comes a traveling band of freaks led by the hot-bodied Pervo the Clown. He’s got a sidekick with whom he constantly spars, usually with derogatory gay insults—until he eventually dry humps his sidekick. There’s a leather daddy little person, and there are plenty of burlesque dancers exposing their tits.

Have the absolute lowest expectations for this film and you might enjoy it. Come on. It’s got boobs and blood. TONS. Pervo the Clown wears tasseled pasties on his nipples. A little person punches a zombie bitch in the va-jay-jay. There’s little person shitting in the woods humor (which goes on forEVER). There’s fart humor. Zombie tits get tweaked. There’s even a zombie in a wheelchair. And there’s a grand finale involving a chainsaw and a big “Oops.”

Don’t hesitate. Have a zombie T&A marathon immediately. Watch this film first, save Zombie Strippers for last. And if you get a hard-on even once, you’re a nasty necrophiliac freak.