It was inbreed heaven when I watched a double feature of Canadian flick Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain and Italian film The Last House in the Woods. And here’s why.
EVIL BREED: THE LEGEND OF SAMHAIN (2003)
Supposedly, Evil Breed was meant to be a backwoods gorefest splashed with tasteless humor but was butchered by the producers, who wanted more of a Scream feel, complete with by then cliché horror movie in-jokes. For example, one chick mistakes horror movie director Sam Raimi for his brother Ted. All I could think was, “This bimbo wouldn’t even know who Sam is, let alone his brother.” This kind of stuff ends up being the only attempt at humor in the entire film.
Things start strong with a shirtless Richard Grieco as the “star” of the opening kill. Awesome. He’s having sex with a big boobed chick in a tent when someone starts lurking around outside. It’s a thrilling and uber gory intro that leaves you with high hopes.
Wiener roast! And this is from the cut version!
But then a group of college students shows up at a cottage with their teacher to do some Celtic studies. Aside from meeting a creepy handyman, we are subjected to pretty much forty minutes of dialogue, endless bogus scares, and those nonstop horror movie references, of course.
Eventually, the kids separate, get lost, explore places no one in their right mind would, and run into the inbreeds. They also run into porn star Jenna Jameson, who says she’s looking for her lost friends and then disappears for a majority of the movie. Eventually, we find out why she was cast in the film—for a scene in which her implants are sliced out of her.
And this is where the true potential of the film shines through. The inbreeds are gnarly and, despite much of the gore having been removed, things get pretty nasty and move perfectly into Wrong Turn territory. One dude even gets fisted so his intestines can be used to choke him to death. Nice.
The DVD includes both the uncut scenes of Jenna’s boobs and the dude’s butt being destroyed. They’ll make you want to hunt down the original director’s cut of the film, which he apparently posted online for a short time after the movie was released. The fisting scene even has some gross out shit humor injected into it. Based on these scenes alone, I can imagine the movie being pushed into X-rated or at least unrated territory. Oh yeah. The uncut scenes are gems.
Even so, after its slow, generic pacing, Evil Breed becomes a lot of fun during the finale. Along with the gore and backwoods freaks, there are more boobs and even man butt.
Plus the final girl kicks ass and gets a good chase scene. Unfortunately, the epilogue—which the director has said was tacked on to the film and not his original ending—is ridiculous. Now where’s that director’s cut?
THE LAST HOUSE IN THE WOODS (2006)
The Last House in the Woods is retro Euro horror trash madness and I love it. I advise you to watch it with the English dubbing for that real cheesy, melodramatic feel of watching Euro horror on VHS back in the 80s.
First there’s an intro scene of a family getting into a car crash, something awful happening to the mom and dad, and the little boy running off into the woods. Yes! Then, in typical Euro what-the-fuckery, we meet an aloof artist chick who tries to dump her cute boxer briefs boyfriend but instead has sex with him in his car on the side of an isolated road.
Things get crazy fast. They have a run-in with three bad boys—who are major conscienceless scumbags as in all these Euro horror films. A couple comes along and saves them from the attack and takes them home. Of course the bad boys, pissed off that they were had, find their way to the house as well to raise hell.
Immediately, we are thrust into that kind of weird atmosphere that makes Euro horror so creepy. Everybody is acting odd, as if they know they are in the middle of a trippy Euro horror flick.
A bizarre little boy appears and he is the best big-eyed Euro horror boy EVER.
Inbreeds show up.
Think that thing will burst in the film?
Cannibalism brings in the gore, as does a chainsaw.
There’s something horrific down in the basement. What could it possibly be? All the good guys make really stupid decisions. You know…like going down into the basement.
Just when I’m thinking “they don’t make movies like that anymore,” I stumble upon a movie like The Last House in the Woods and my faith in horror is restored.
