For a variety of reasons, this foursome from between 1989 and 1998 has ended up in my movie collection, so let’s see how happy I am with my purchases.
LOBSTER MAN FROM MARS (1989)
If it came from the 80s and Deborah Foreman of Valley Girl and April Fool’s Day is in it, I simply must have it in my collection. And so, I bring you the 1950s sci-fi throwback movie-within-a-movie parody Lobster Man from Mars, which is only available on DVD as of this writing.
After a geek blasts a cover version of “Rock Lobster” in his room (apparently anything by The B-52s was too expensive to license the year “Love Shack” was a huge hit), he goes to pitch a movie he made to a film producer played by Tony Curtis. And so begins the parody film, with occasional clips interspersed of Curtis and the geek reacting as they watch. In other words, the main movie totally doesn’t need to be within this absolutely pointless segment.
With classic spooky sci-fi music of the 50s serving as the score, people begin getting shot by alien zappers and left as nothing but skeletons.
There are little “flying” aliens on very visible strings, and there are men in cheesy rubber lobster alien costumes. The puppets on strings are way more entertaining than the men in costumes.
Mars Attacks! this most definitely isn’t. It feels like a bad homemade film project even though it’s a spoof. Patrick Macnee having a Waxwork reunion with Deborah Foreman and an appearance by Bobby Pickett of “Monster Mash” fame can’t save this silly satire.
Even Deborah Foreman seems to have grown tired of being the 80s darling, because she doesn’t transmit any of her usual charm in this one.
ALLIGATOR II: THE MUTATION (1991)
If you need an example of how the perfection that was the 80s was ruined by the coming of the 90s, look no further than the disastrous 1991 sequel to the 1980 horror fan fave Alligator, which is an unforgettable classic thanks to moments like the pool scene and the part when the alligator bursts from the sewer.
It’s hard to believe how many horror veterans are in the sequel—and still can’t help it rise above it’s cheap made-for-cable/direct-to-video feel. Perhaps that’s why it still hasn’t gotten a good U.S. Blu-ray release or DVD release, so I had to score an all-region DVD.
Joseph Bologna is a detective who figures out in no time that there must be an alligator devouring homeless people near a lake.
Dee Wallace is his scientist wife.
Steve Railsback is a slimy business mogul throwing a major outdoor event regardless of the warnings about a killer alligator. Richard Lynch is an alligator hunter, and Kane Hodder is one of his pals.
But none of them steals the show. That honor goes to a homeless man who watches his friend get eaten in the sewer tunnels and then tells the detective, “He was using Otis as a toothpick. Otis didn’t deserve to be a toothpick.”
The unintentionally laughable camp of the film practically saves it. There’s a cheesy romance for the hot cop partner (Blair’s stripper boyfriend on The Facts of Life). The alligator hunters go on a laughable hunt for the beast. Victims roll around in the mouth of what is obviously a fake alligator head. The alligator’s tail goes on a hilarious murderous rampage at a carnival.
And finally the main detective blows the alligator to smithereens with a rocket launcher then links up with his wife for a hokey ending.
THE CHANNELER (1991)
This is a silly backwoods horror film that absolutely never takes itself seriously, which is definitely where it gets its charm.
It’s just a feel good early 90s VHS nostalgia trip that is included as a bonus on the Blu-ray release of The Teenage Exorcist because it’s from the same director.
A college professor brings a bunch of students to an old mine for an environmental excursion. Actor Jay Richardson, who plays her boyfriend and has appeared in a bunch of low budget horror flicks from the late 80s and early 90s, hogs and deserves the spotlight right from the start when he gets into a bar brawl with a bunch of rednecks. He even dares to challenge a dude flinging anti-gay slurs when he asks, “Make up your mind. I’m hitting on your woman or I’m a faggot?”
One dude who is ten years too late in his Olivia Newton-John “Physical” drag (complete with bandana around the head) happens to be a psychic. He starts having disturbing visions once they get to camp, and then some mysterious incidents occur.
They also meet up with Grizzly Adams himself, Dan Haggerty, who tells them stories of tragedy in the mines a century before.
Unfortunately, not much else happens until the final act. The psychic begins speaking as if possessed, a rubber monster hand appearance kicks off a chase montage set to a totally 80s new wave power pop track, the kids are abducted and held captive in a cave, and we finally see the goofy looking creatures that live in the cave….and also talk.
MODERN VAMPIRES (1998)
Just released on Blu-ray, this vampire comedy, which I’d never seen, is listed on IMDb as a made-for-TV movie, but I have no idea on what channel it originally aired. I do know that the Blu-ray video looks pretty crappy for HD. It really did feel like I was watching a made-for-TV movie on a standard definition tube TV in 1998. Ah, the nostalgia.
The film is directed by Richard Elfman, director of 1980 new wave sci-fi fantasy musical movie Forbidden Zone and 90s Full Moon horror film Shrunken Heads, who also happens to be the brother of Oingo Boingo frontman turned film score composer Danny Elfman.
The cast is absolutely awesome, but while this is supposed to be a comedy, the humorous moments are few and far between until the last half hour.
The film focuses on the coming together of a bunch of vampires in Hollywood, including Casper Van Dien right after Starship Troopers, Kim Cattrall right before Sex and the City, Craig Ferguson after The Drew Carey Show, the first kill girl from Urban Legend, Eldin the painter from Murphy Brown, and horror icon Udo Kier.
And hunting them down is film veteran Rod Steiger as Van Helsing, who hires a bunch of Black guys off the street to help him slay vamps.
A scene of the vamps hitting up a rave at a feeding club, where hunks in Speedos are chained up and in cages, gave me high hopes for the sexy sleazy suckfest with queer sensibilities this vampire could be.
Unfortunately, the film then focuses way too much on the drama between Casper and Urban Legend girl, who are no fun at all, leaving all the fun people totally underutilized. On the bright side, there’s a sex scene in which we get to see plenty of Casper booty.
There’s also a brief appearance by Berta of Two and a Half Men, and some funny scenes of Urban Legend girl snarling like a wildcat every time she attacks a victim, it just needed more of this kind of energy.
The movie suddenly and finally turns into the comedy it should have been all along in the last twenty minutes. Too bad the filmmakers never realized that the best part of their film was Rod Steiger and his hilarious crew of Black dudes, and that they should have been the focus of the film all along. Once they get involved, everyone becomes funnier and fun, including Kim Cattrall and even Casper and Urban Legend girl look like they’re having a blast during the final battle. It feels like an entirely different movie.
And best of all, the vampire slayers decide to gang bang Cattrall in full vampire form, showing off plenty of adorable booties in the process. They are most definitely the best way to end this post…
