Abortion horror: bye, bye baby…until you come back for revenge

Not one, but THREE exploitation flicks about unwanted babies. And I have to confess…I actually liked one of them.

DUMPSTER BABY (2000)

Dumpster Baby is one of those movies I read really bad reviews about, and yet I still got on my indie-supporting high horse and watched it.

This movie SUX. WTF was the filmmaker thinking? Forget the evil baby on the cover. Just like that shitfest Rosemary’s Baby, you never see the fucking baby. Fuck you babyless movies with “baby” in the title.

A crack whore has a baby (they don’t show anything explicit). Her crack whore friend throws it in a dumpster. From there on, random people find the baby and pass it on—or should I say, pass on a blanket that’s supposed to be the baby. That’s it. Seriously. None of the reviews have lied. THAT’S IT. A chick pretends the baby is hers to score money from some guy who fucked her. A mentally challenged guy finds it, a couple of assholes bully him and get it. It ends up in a Satanic worshipping shed. Some burnouts find it. They place it in a basket and set it out on the water like The Ten Commandments. It ends up on the doorstep of a church. A Catholic schoolgirl finds it and pretends it’s hers. A goth chick takes it from her and then some dude rapes the schoolgirl while the goth chick films. The schoolgirl jumps off a bridge. Another dude finds the baby, brings it into a public restroom, seems ready to eat it, then hears another dude jerking off in a stall, so he kills and eats him instead.

And somewhere in the filmmaker’s brilliant mind, something apparently deep and meaningful (probably religious and involving heaven and hell) happens on a beach between the chick who threw the baby in the dumpster and a man in black.

HANGER (2009)

The man who brought us the heinous slasher exploitation flick Gutterballs gives us Hanger—as in, a hanger used to dig a baby out of Debbie Rochon’s snatch. There is nothing left to the imagination, with close-up hanger-insertion and everything.

While Hanger is sort of about an aborted baby that grows up to be a deformed killer, it ends up being more a series of disjointed exploitation scenes. The adult baby just doesn’t get enough focus as the freaky killer. We get milk shooting out of a tit, Lloyd Kaufman as a drag queen who gets his dick burned off on a stove, a prostitute’s head being pulverized in a car door (awesome scene), a Jehovah’s Witness getting her tits bit off, a pussy juice Sanchez, a chick farting in a guy’s face, explicit female masturbation, a pizza delivery Santa raping a dude’s ass with close-ups of dick going in hole as shit squirts out all over the place, used tampon sucking, shit feeding…you get the picture. Oh wait. I almost forgot the always necessary use of fag, queer, and the ‘n’ word.

While Gutterballs managed to deliver a slasher film while trying to impress with all its heinous content, Hanger completely gives in to its self-righteous shock value and blows the chance to be a cool hanger baby killer movie.

THE SUCKLING (1990)

Finally, a movie about an actual killer baby. No surprise I think this is the winner of this trio, since it was made in 1990, which pretty much means it was made in the 80s.

Apparently there’s this whorehouse/abortion clinic. We get treated to a very funny scene of a dude getting a dildo up the ass courtesy of a dominatrix.

Then a nice girl is tricked by her boyfriend into getting an abortion. Yep, you heard me right. Tricked.

The baby is flushed down the bowl (big toilet), gets poisoned by toxic waste in the sewer, becomes deformed, and begins to grow rapidly. But not before it can climb back up through the pipes and start taking out everyone in the whorehouse abortion clinic with its umbilical cord.

Do I need to say more? With just a taste of exploitation, this one is mostly a low-budget late 80s creature feature with an awesome rubber monster.