I kept things interesting with a mix of oddities when I chose my latest triple feature, so let’s see how that worked for me.
This Spanish teen romance horror comedy is cute and charming, but you definitely have to hang in there a little too long before it finally kicks into high gear. It starts off strong with some sort of creature attacking teen boys by the school pool.
Then we meet our main boy, new to the school and attracted to a girl obsessed with a Twilight-esque franchise. To get closer to her, our main boy goes to a premiere of the latest movie (clips of which are deliciously homoerotic).
Through a series of unplanned circumstances, he convinces the girl that he is a vampire. Little does he know that a) there’s a geeky vampire hunter kid determined to prove he’s a fraud, and b) there’s an actual vampire that has no intention of allowing a fraud to overshadow him.
The characters are charming and funny, and there are plenty of gay humor jokes, but the actual vampire action doesn’t kick in until 61 minutes into the film, with only 26 minutes remaining.
With lots of time to make up for, the cast of characters combines forces quickly to go on an action-packed and quite funny vampire hunt.
So much great horror comedy energy is crammed into the last twenty minutes it leaves you wanting more.
THE MUNSTERS (2022)
It’s easy for me to be more lenient on this Rob Zombie film than many others because I had absolutely no expectations and was more than willing to give him a chance at trying his hand at something new…a silly, colorful, family-esque remake of a classic black and white monster comedy series.
Visually this take on the beloved show was total eye candy, from the sets to the setup shots. I couldn’t get enough of what I was seeing. Zombie truly captures the look of cheesy, campy horror-themed children’s comedies of the 90s and early 2000s for sure.
However, if you’re expecting the TV show translated into a full-length feature, forget about it. This is a prequel story in which Lily falls for Herman despite Grandpa’s objections.
Therefore, there’s no Eddie, no Marilyn, no Spot. The family doesn’t even get to the house on Mockingbird Lane until the last half hour of an overblown 110 minutes, the first of many problems that plague the movie.
The other major problem is that this has an absolutely hollow plot. I just kept waiting for some significant storyline to take hold, but nothing ever did. Lily falls for Herman, a semi-famous rocker with a very alternative look, they date, Grandpa objects, and eventually they move to the house on Mockingbird Lane.
There’s very little more to it than that…and it’s stretched out to nearly two hours. And I can’t help but wonder if this new backstory is somehow a bit of a biographical look at the relationship between Rob and his wife Sheri Moon.
In general, all three main actors (including Sheri Moon as Lily, of course) pull off their roles well, without doing mere impersonations of the original characters. However, as vibrant and cartoonish as they are, they simply lack the charm of the original characters. They’re just not lovable. They feel flat and stiff, due in large part to an absolutely dull script that offers very little in the way of laughs. My guess is that there’s not even enough silly humor or situations here to mesmerize children.
Having said all that, there were a few highlight for me beyond the visual presentation. The love between Herman and Lily grows during a montage of them singing “I Got You Babe”. Some other classic movie monsters make guest appearances. The final act takes place on Halloween. And Cassandra Peterson plays their real estate agent. Yet even that perfect casting is wasted. She tells Lily over the phone that when they meet she’s going to be in costume so they shouldn’t be shocked by her appearance. You’re probably thinking what I was—the jokes would practically write themselves with her dressed as Elvira and looking like a Lily clone in the process. Well forget it. It doesn’t happen. She’s dressed as a witch instead. It’s a huge missed opportunity for Cassandra Peterson to save this whole damn movie.
PIRANHA WOMEN (2022)
If you come to a film directed by Fred Olen Ray called Piranha Women with this poster art looking for anything other than those teeth tits coming to life, then I have no interest in your opinion about Piranha Women.
I came for the teeth tits and I got them.
Piranha Women runs less than an hour long and gets right to the points. A really gorgeous guy meets a chick at a bar, she takes him home, and she takes him for a dip and a dick in her pool. Ouch.
Next we meet our main girl. She has a fatal disease so she goes to a scientist doing experimental work with fish DNA. Uh-oh.
Meanwhile, her man becomes the main suspect when his boss turns up dead. He also has to become his own detective to figure out who killed his boss and where his woman has disappeared to.
The teeth tits are the best, but if I have one complaint it’s that they don’t get enough action. The body count is disappointingly low, but the final battle with the piranha women is low budget fun.