Would you rather watch…

Ouija. It Follows. Would You Rather. There’s no rather. There’s no contest. If I had it to do all over again, I would only watch one of these three films. And here’s why.

WOULD YOU RATHER (2012)

If you’ve seen movies like Inhuman Resources (blog) and Danielle Harris’s Among Friends (blog), then you’ve pretty much seen Would You Rather, with little variation.

This time, Brittany Snow (the reason I caved and watched this cliché piece of torture porn) is desperate for money because her brother is sick and needs an operation. She goes for a “job” interview with horror icon Jeffrey Combs. Turns out, it’s not a job; it’s some sort of game.

And that’s how she ends up trapped around a table with a bunch of other people who have to decide if they’d rather do things like stab this person or whip that person. And to make things even more enjoyable, there are pretty much no redeeming characters in the film.

OUIJA (2014)

Ouija is the reason I turn to indie films like The Ouija Experiment (blog here) for my jump scares; this tween horror crap is almost always a huge waste of my time. Ouija is a bottom of the barrel mess of manufactured cheap scares. It makes me sad that Lin Shaye has found success in mainstream horror—because, yep. She has a pointless cameo here.

Girl dies after using Ouija board. Her friends use board to contact her. Turns out they’re not actually contacting her but some evil entity. House has a history. Kids play Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys as they are terrorized by killer dental floss. Fuck this movie. Seriously.

Of course, if you think this movie is the bomb, I highly recommend you follow the exact opposite of my opinion on any movie I ever blog about.

IT FOLLOWS (2014)

Who would have imagined that terror could be delivered in a horror movie simply by having a stranger walk toward the main character…in broad daylight?

That’s the basic premise of It Follows. Actually, the basic premise is pretty much the same as that of The Ring; a supernatural bitch comes for you if you don’t pass it along to someone else. But what you need to pass on this time is not a videotape; it’s sex! Hell, kill two evil bitches with one stone—make a porn video and pass it along.

It could be argued that It Follows is some sort of religious moral message movie, but in pretty much every fucking teen horror flick you’ve ever seen, if you have sex, you die. And the whole STD angle has been regularly explored in body horror. So just let go of your religiophobia and let yourself be freaked out by this unnerving flick—which doesn’t even actually focus on the daisy chain of sex. It’s all about one single girl who gets the demon disease and is trying to run from it.

I was dreading watching this one because it had been so hyped—which usually means a movie is going to suck. But I loved it.