When actors have nothing better to do…

…they end up in movies I cover in a blog titled “When actors have nothing better to do.” I’ve listed these five in order from worst to best.

TIME MACHINE: RISE OF THE MORLOCKS (2011)

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Thanks to an experimental time machine, the military is endlessly attacked by CGI mutated dinosaurs that come from the future. David Hewlett is a scientist-turned-writer who created the machine and must now go into the future to get the device that will close the portal.

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There are a variety of cheesy creatures, an evil military leader, an underground bunker…this is boring me. NEXT.

MONSTERWOLF (2010)

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The ghost of a wolf monster gets pissed off when people litter. So imagine how it feels about the evil oil company that comes poking around its land. When it goes on a murderous, CGI rampage, Jason London and his old flame must figure out how to kill it—which is eventually learned through a cartoon flashback, courtesy of one of the local Native Americans.

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This CGI ghost beast can disappear in an instant, can leap through the air to electrocute helicopters (best scene in the movie), can transport into locked prison cells, and can’t be shot, yet it has to knock down a door to kill the guy on the other side, and can also be hit by trucks. Worst continuity ever.

UNNATURAL (2015)

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Add another movie to the growing list of recent killer bear movies. Sherilyn Finn and a bunch of other people run around a science building trying to escape genetically mutated polar bears (I myself am considered an unnatural bear by select folk, so I’m kind of sympathetic…). You get lots of science mumbo jumbo, some nice scenery, and loads of action lost in footage that is so quick and dark you can “bearly” see anything (wink wink). But the bear is pretty cool.

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CARNY (2009)

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This being a SyFy movie, there’s no time wasted in revealing the CGI winged monster that some baddies use for their carnival show. Naturally, it escapes and wreaks havoc in typical generic SyFy creature feature style. But Lou Diamond Phillips is the sheriff, a psychic chick from the carnival tries to help him protect the town, and there’s a preacher spouting about an evil war they must fight (hey, he’s right).

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But none of that can outshine the kills. The kills are fricking awesome and bloody good. My favorite is when one kid who got away from the creature is in the car with his mom, she starts sobbing, “I’m so glad you survived!”, and he gets fricking ripped out of the car in a fly-by then dropped back on the hood of the car. Amazing.

PHANTOM RACER (2009)

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It’s like an 80s throwback! Christine meets The Wraith meets…BJ and the Bear! Okay, there’s no chimp, but there’s Greg Evigan. After his friend died years before when they were car racing, he returns to his hometown to discover the dead guy’s brother has somehow rebuilt the destroyed car, which begins driving around town mutilating people. The bloody good kills are the best part. Aside from that, Evigan reconnects with his dead buddy’s girl, played by Nicole Eggert of Charles in Charge…and there’s babydaddy drama! Like I said, watch it for the gory kills—and the ending right out of Christine, complete with construction site machinery.

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About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES.

I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.

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One Response to When actors have nothing better to do…

  1. Pingback: Back to the 90s with monsters, a killer clown…and the cannibal dead? | BOYS, BEARS & SCARES

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