Hallmark Halloween: The Monster Squad Lite or something weirder?

monster makers cover

Anyone who grew up in the 80s probably watched The Monster Squad on cable dozens of times. Classic movie monsters come to life, and it’s up to a bunch of kids to stop them from wreaking havoc.

In October 2003, Hallmark rolled out a similarly themed film titled Monster Makers, which stars familiar horror faces like Linda Blair, Adam Baldwin, and George Kennedy.

The film promises to be G-rated throwback fun for fans of old monster movies. Linda Blair is the home nurse of an old monster movie director (George Kennedy). Her son finds one of the director’s unreleased films in his basement—turns out it’s a film the director believed would come to life if it were ever released. Guess what happens….

monster makers black and white

On Halloween night, the son invites a girl from school over to watch the film, and mom Blair announces she’s going out. She might as well say, “I totally trust you to sit on the couch together, watch the movie, and not get into my nursing bag to play doctor while I’m gone.”

monster makers kids

Lightning strikes and BAM! The monsters are in the living room.

monster makes lightning

There’s a wereRAT, a spirit that possesses people (initially coming in the form of cute Adam Baldwin as a cop from the black and white film), and…what looks like…a studly sex mannequin. WTF?

monster makers monsters

Rather quickly, the monsters steal the film reels, and the spirit leaves the cop and starts jumping into other bodies. So the cop teams up with the kids to try to stop the monsters from making Halloween night a real horror. The goal is, find the monsters and get back the film, because it must hold the key to their weaknesses!

monster makers baldwin

The problem with this playful premise is that the film lacks any of the charm, excitement, or humor of family frights like The Monster Squad and Hocus Pocus, so it begins to drag.

Then there’s the issue of the MANnequin. He inappropriately walks around in tight sleeping pants, showing off his ripped torso…

monster makers mannequin

he creeps on vulnerable, sleeping George Kennedy…

monster makers george kennedy mannequin

and he can become a blond if that’s more your thing.

monster makers mannequin blond

Granted, he’s not versatile (he can’t bend at the waist), but he is chronically stiff.

What were they thinking allowing this guy into a Hallmark family film?

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.
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One Response to Hallmark Halloween: The Monster Squad Lite or something weirder?

  1. joshuaskye says:

    LOL, that sounds rather amusing. I might have to check it out.

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