Got MILFs?

milfs vs zombies cover

After a zombie outbreak, a bunch of husbands looking for sex are kind of oblivious as they crash a sex party that they don’t know is a sex party. Yes, these are some dumb-assed straighties. Meanwhile, their wives (the MILFs) are at home chilling.

As might be expected from a low-budget film called MILFs vs. Zombies, there’s a lot of bad good stuff here, along with a lot of bad bad stuff. Let’s start with the bad and save the best for last.

The movie runs an hour and forty-five minutes! This is so not what low-brow trash horror needs. The best bits of the film could have been delivered in a tight hour and fifteen minutes at most.

How to cut down the time? Start with the extraneous, painfully unfunny segments. We begin with the televangelist clips. Sure, it’s always fun to spoof religious crazies, but it’s so overdone—and here, it adds nothing. There are two other pointless, disruptive segments as well, one featuring Troma man Lloyd Kaufman, the other, b-movie scream king Shawn C. Phillips. I’m a fan of both in the right context, but here, they add nothing to the movie—no plot importance, no humor. It’s not even worth the name recognition. I say, if you’re going to make an indie film, sometimes it’s better to just stand on the merits of your movie rather than trying to shoehorn familiar horror names into it (unless, of course, they are maybe producing your film…then you have no choice).

milfs vs zombies gore

Another way to shorten the length…editing. MILFs vs. Zombies suffers from a typical problem with low-budget films. The amateur (usually bad) actors tend to leave way too long a pause between lines of dialogue. It’s the old, “Okay-you-said-your-line-you’re-done-right?-now-it’s-my-turn-to-speak-my-line-okay-here-goes” syndrome. Tighter editing could have smoothed out this dragging back and forth banter, which also would have greatly helped the timing of the humor. There are some damn funny moments in this film that are hurt by the off timing of the delivery.

Of course, in general, there are weaker segments of the film that could have been cut as well just because they aren’t as strong as others, but I know it’s hard for creators to realize that every single bit of what they’ve made isn’t as brilliant or crucial as they think. For instance, the conversations between the MILFs just don’t work. In fact, the MILFs get the really shitty end of the stick in this film all around. Despite the title, a majority of the movie focuses on the husbands, and they get all the best scenes and lines (not to mention, they’re all cute).

milfs vs zombies guys

The MILFs are pretty much a side story distraction until the very end. That’s actually the film’s major flaw. Well, that and the ending, which is also disappointingly anti-climactic. The ladies needed much more ass-kicking screen time.

But all that aside, let’s get to the good stuff. And there’s a lot of it if you are a fan of really trashy cinema.

First, there are the effects. Fuck CGI. You won’t see any of that shit here. Clearly the filmmakers knew the practical effects would be a strong point, because we are slammed over the head with good gore and seriously disgusting gut-munching in the opening scene. And while most of the zombie makeup looks typical for a low-budget flick, there are standouts with some damn gnarly faces. BLECH.

milfs vs zombies zombie

Then there’s the humor. There are plenty of pop culture references, including jabs at Duck Dynasty and Kirk Cameron (won me over), plus positive nods to Romero and loads of homages to Clint Howard (won me over more). Sex, shit, and fart jokes abound, as to be expected. While some of it falls flat, there are plenty of moments that made me laugh out loud, especially when delivered by the more talented members of the cast. In particular, actor James Balsamo, the big, hunky bear dude, is crap cinema comic gold, because he stole his scenes in this film. His delicious hairy beary body is a bonus, especially when he runs around in just his boxers later in the film.

milfs vs zombies james shorts 2

I first got hot for James when I saw him in Jack O’ Slasher (I cover the movie somewhere in this big-assed blog), and I seriously need to see more of his cheesy low-budget horror flicks asap. Aside from that bod, James also has a perty tongue….

milfs vs zombies james balsamo tongue

And a plush back. It takes a real man to go shirtless in a movie without taking a razor to the back. I’m choking on a furball just thinking about it.

milfs vs zombies james back

While the shit humor and fart sounds are just so adolescent that too much of it wears thin fast for me, I never grow tired of good sex jokes and gross outs. Thankfully, MILFs vs. Zombies takes place at a sex party. There’s a dominatrix who keeps her man dog slave bitch on a leash, complete with a leather dog mask. There are two penis’s hacked off, plus two gooey money shots. Huge boobs abound and there’s sleazy lesbianism for the straight guys.

And of course, I have to bring up the gay issue. MILFs vs. Zombies is one of those exploitative films that handles it RIGHT. Eli Roth should take note. You won’t hear the F word in this film, and non-straight orientation gets just as much positive fun poked at it as hetero sex. The man dog humps a guy’s leg.

milfs vs zombies dog

James Balsamo has a confrontation with a man baby who calls him “daddy” in one of the funniest exchanges in the film.

milfs vs zombies baby

Balsamo also hooks up with the lesbians, and when they tie him down and whip out a huge dildo, he simply clarifies that his ass is a one-way street without throwing around any derogatory gay terms.

milfs vs zombies toy and bear

Not to mention, he ends up really liking it…um…in the end.

milfs vs zombies james likes it

There’s another guy who is fresh out of jail and continuously slips up about his enjoyment of prison sex around his girlfriend. There’s even a bearded dude in drag running away from the zombies in the street, and when two guys see him, they identify him as transgender (again, no derogatory term), and one says, “I’d still hit it.”

milfs vs zombies trans

Kudos to MILFs vs. Zombies for being positive and inclusive with its tasteless humor.

Finally, I have to touch upon one scene that is so far out there it’s actually uncomfortably out of place in the film. It just completely changes the over-the-top tone, and kind of reminds me of the awful gang rape scene in Gutterballs. A woman is raped by a zombie, and it’s downright vicious and brutal.

milfs vs zombies assault

Okay, I’ll admit I laughed when the zombie mushroom stamped her with his undead dick, but beyond that, it’s hard to watch. And it gets worse when the special effects are once again shown off—at least I hope they’re special effects, because this shit was hardcore. The zombie guts the woman he just raped…through her vagina. When I tell you there is nothing left to the imagination, I mean, this film could be slapped with an X rating for this scene alone.

milfs vs zombies pen eat

I know. I’m saying that penises being hacked off (and eaten like a French fry. Did I mention that?) are worthy of a laugh, but vagina mutilation goes too far. Really though, it’s about the presentation. The rape scene simply feels like it was dropped in from a much more offensive (and humor-free) movie. Hey, I had to bring it up. And admit it…you kind of feel compelled to watch the movie now just to see how bad it could possibly be….

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.
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