Zombie double feature: the undead, old people, and an army of mercenaries

Nothing like a totally random zombathon! This time around, I watched the horror comedy Cockneys vs. Zombies and a cheesy Uwe Boll produced horror action flick with the generic title of Zombie Massacre.

COCKNEYS vs. ZOMBIES (2012)

I guess if you make a British zombedy, there are going to be high expectations. Is it the next Sean of the Dead??? Nope. Cockneys vs. Zombies is its own little film with its own identity: it is zombies vs. senior citizens!

Actually, it’s more than that. There’s also this band of bank robbers who happen to have a connection to one of the elderly men at an old folks home. For a good portion of the movie, the storylines are separate—the elderly fighting zombies, and the bank robbers fighting zombies.

The bank robber plot tends to feel like an imitation of other zombedies. How many times have we seen badass gangs with weapons splattering zombies left and right, serving up endless dry humor and one-liners, and offering funny grossed out reactions to the gore they’re experiencing? That’s what you get here. Lots of it. The most unique moment of their story involves a baby. Not since Feast II….

The old folks home segment is awesome. The elderly cast rox. Totally. They’re charming, funny, and crude. Their physical conditions make for some great visual humor and unique interactions with the zombies, whether it’s an old dude “running away” with his walker or going kamikaze in a wheelchair. And nothing is more satisfying than the old folk arguing over whether they’re dealing with zombies or vampires.

Eventually, the robbers and seniors come together to battle the outbreak. It would have been great if that had happened sooner. The interactions between young and old are fresh and different for a zombie movie. Cockneys vs. Zombies is a good film, loaded with humor, gore, and zombie action, but its strength lies in the plot about the old folks home, because it hasn’t been done before. It’s such a great angle for a zombedy.

ZOMBIE MASSACRE (2012)

Zombie Massacre is also known as Apocalypse Z, but Zombie Massacre works best because this is a zombie action film in which we mostly get to watch zombies getting their asses kicked to a hard rock soundtrack. After the government leaks a toxin into a small town and it turns everyone into zombies, a small group of mercenaries is assembled to go in and contain it. Raccoon City, anyone?

The mercenaries hate each other and snarl and glare at each other continuously. But man—two of them are hunk-o-rama! Both huge and muscular, one of them is clean shaven, while the other one is bearded. They totally score this film another two stars.

So basically the whole movie is the mercenaries slaughtering zombies in a shower of CGI blood. But then, near the end, these new random characters are thrown in, including a hick with a gun. Watch out! This is where the movie suddenly takes a comic turn….

Eventually, the mercenaries face off against a wanna be Nemesis monster, blow up the whole city, and fly off into the sunset in a helicopter…just like the end of every Resident Evil game. Okay. So it’s really generic and lacks any scares, but I can guarantee you’d sit through the whole movie if it were on the SyFy Channel.

However, just when you think nothing better can happen, there’s a random sequence during the credits. We’re poolside, with a bunch of babes diving in the water. But when they get out, they’re infected! Zom-boobs galore! No joke. Talk about a last ditch effort to get nudity into a movie that doesn’t call for it! And therefore, I’ll get in some unnecessary man flesh….