Sorry, but this post wouldn’t be any fun if I didn’t spoil the entire movie—and really, this isn’t a movie you watch for surprises or scares. You got zombies that look exactly like my pants did when I was a kid and accidentally stepped into a cesspool, and they constantly run right up to the camera in broad daylight to show off this masterful makeup. If this had been a scratch n’ sniff flick, for days after, your fingernail would smell like you’d poked a hole in the toilet paper.
Meanwhile, you’ll lose count of the number of times these zombies rip off some chick’s shirt and then ogle her chest with wide eyes and big grins on their faces. I swear, I was waiting for them to start groaning “Boobs…boobs” instead of “Brains…brains.” And then you have the numerous victims who just stand there waiting to be slashed as the zombies approach them with weapons raised (we’ll get to that). And of course, there’s the horrible Italian horror film music that ruins any possibility of suspense. 1980’s Nightmare City starts the decade off right.
As with all great zombie films, a news broadcast on TV reports a radioactive spill. Reporter hero arrives at airport to cover a story as an unidentified plane lands. Army surrounds plane, door opens, out come shitfaced zombies!!! Zombies on a plane? UFZ: Unidentified Flying Zombies? Was this the inspiration for one of my fave zombie films, Flight of the Living Dead?
Shitfaced zombies attack army men with knives and guns. Who needs teeth when you have weapons??? Shitfaced zombies run. Shitfaced zombies fight. Shitfaced zombies have clearly graduated boot camp. Shitfaced zombies slaughter the army. Shitfaced zombies dress pretty snazzy!
Cut to—solid gold dancers? Reporter hero tries to interrupt dance/aerobics show at TV studio to announce to the world that the shitfaced zombies are coming. Government makes sure to pull plug on his broadcast. Cut to Tommy Lee Jones clone as military leader who’s busy getting touchy feely with his sculptor girl’s boobs before getting interrupted by emergency call. Cut to solid gold dancers back on the air…invaded by shitfaced zombies! Plenty of gore. Plenty of torn spandex. Nipple gouged out by shitfaced zombie. Reporter hero slams shitfaced zombie’s fingers in door. Shitfaced zombie feels pain and screams in agony! I sit and wait for Marilyn McCoo to come on camera and announce, “Dancing to Michael Jackson’s smash hit “Thriller,” the solid gold zombies!”
Army and scientists have specimen, discuss the effect of radioactive spill on shitfaced zombies. Shitfaced zombies need blood to stay alive—very vampiric explanation, methinks. Army man also notes—“Aim for the brain.” Nope. Not vamps. Just zombies.
Sculptor gets call from her military lover warning her to lock up this instant and not let anyone in. Sculptor immediately goes right out the front door to investigate a sound—a lawnmower mysteriously chugging across the lawn by itself. She goes back inside—discovers someone…or something…has stabbed the head of one of her busts with a knife!
Cut to army general’s daughter at her house in pool with her man, being guarded by the military. Smart shitfaced zombies cut phone wires! Military men get attacked by shitfaced zombies, general’s daughter and her man drive off happily just to get away from watchful eye of the military guard, never realizing they were about to be zombie fodder (aka: foundation)….
Reporter hero’s wife is surgeon at hospital. Blackout (probably the creepiest and most effective part of the film). Surgeons continue operation by flashlight. Shitfaced zombies break into operating room and take down all assistants. Head surgeon goes all martial arts and whips his scalpel across operating room…into shitfaced zombie’s shoulder! Aim for the brain dude! It’s right behind that pile of dung on the forehead!!! Shitfaced zombie takes scalpel out and surgeon just stands and waits to be stabbed to death with it. Shitfaced zombies turn attention to patient on operating table and start to feast on blood coming out of incision. Methinks being on the operating table completely dead to the world is the way to go during a zombie apocalypse.
Back at sculptor’s house, sculptor’s female friend knocks on door in a panic. Sculptor lets friend in. They go into dark basement with lanterns to lock up windows down there. Sculptor hears noise upstairs, tells friend to wait in basement (???). Shitfaced zombie already in basement, gouges out friend’s eye!!! At this point, even I, like any straight guy watching this movie, would rather stare at her chest than look into her eyes… And so would the shitfaced zombie as he goes in for a milking….
Back at hospital, people stuck on elevator. Mention getting someone to manually lower them to a floor so they can get out. Cut to a shitfaced zombie turning the crank to lower the elevator…so other shitfaced zombies can attack them when the elevator doors open. Reporter hero has arrived at hospital to rescue surgeon wife. They hop in a random car, stop at deserted gas station and go into the convenience store. Shitfaced zombies…start stripping their car? For what, parts? because there ain’t no boobies in there. Couple creates Molotov cocktails, blow up shitfaced zombies and their car, so must run off on foot. Wife, who IS a surgeon yet freaks out every time they come across a dead body, gets hysterical. Reporter hero slaps the be-otch and then they immediately start sucking face. We now know what goes on in their bedroom….
Suddenly dawns on surgeon wife that these things might be vampires! But…the entire movie takes place outside in sunlight. That detail doesn’t cross her mind, because she suggests they take shelter in church, where vampires can’t go. They approach altar. “Father, father? We need your help.” Man of the cloth turns. Shitfaced zombie priest!!! EEK! He has taken eating the body of Christ way too literally. Reporter hero beats him senseless with big assed candlestick from altar. So much anger towards priest. Reporter hero must have been an altar boy.
Couple leaves church and heads to…Zombieland! Yep. They arrive at an amusement park! Shitfaced zombies give chase. Couple starts to climb a rollercoaster!!! They reach the peak…rescue helicopter spots them and lowers a rope. Surgeon wife hops on first, hubby right below her. Helicopter starts to lift. Surgeon wife screams “I can’t hold on!!!” How cool would it be if the bitch falls, I think. The bitch fricking falls!!! I cheer as she bounces off the rollercoaster tracks (actually, a really BAD dummy bounces off the rollercoaster tracks—I have more alive looking dummies in my front yard at Halloween). Reporter hero screams in agony for her…
…and then wakes up in bed, surgeon wife right beside him. Ah. So it was a NIGHTMARE! But wait. Is reporter hero going to shake surgeon wife awake and find she’s a shitfaced zombie? He shakes…she turns slowly to him. Nope. She’s fine. He heads off to work. Wait…déjà vu. This is the beginning of the movie all over again (biggest nightmare so far). Reporter hero and military surround plane. Door slowly opens…freeze frame! “The nightmare has become reality” splashes across the screen. Credits roll. Well, this dumb ass reporter hero better know not to let his surgeon wife grab onto that rope this time….
If you love living dead films, be sure to add this steaming pile of zombie to your collection asap!
Great review of a completely batshit insane movie. “Shitface Zombies” would be a great name for a band.