Two and a Hole Men

Although the trailer on Prime kept my interest, I never expected anything as good as what I got from Living Dark: The Story of Ted the Caver. That subtitle sounds like it could be the name of a picture book I would have ignored at my elementary school library when I was seven, opting to check out Cat In The Hat for the twentieth time instead. But actually, the movie is based on a rather infamous story posted on the Creepypasta blog, so the subtitle tips off fans of the legend.

The two main actors in the trailer looked cute and the clips seemed intensely claustrophobic, so I figured I might as well check it out.

For starters, the two guys are ridiculously sexy. Plus, the movie is so insanely claustrophobic I was twitching and looking away.

It’s quite an odd setup. These two brothers reconnect at a little memorial site in the woods after their father’s death (think of all those little shrines you see on the sides of roads for people who died in car accidents), stumble upon a boarded up opening in the ground, and go down to check it out.

Aside from the fact that I would never go down the hole to begin with (unless perhaps there were two hot brothers going down there), the doll with the bloody looking candle in its head would have told me more than I needed to or wanted to know about what might be going on in the cave. Of course it could have been just the start of a pop-up Spirit Halloween Store location.

So butch that they have no interest in dolls, these brothers overlook it and find a tiny hole in the cave wall, then become obsessed with opening it wider to see what’s in the space beyond.

You don’t know how disappointed I was that these two hot dudes obsessed with getting in tight holes together were brothers.

This still shot I captured in itself is one of the sexiest pieces of erotic photography I’ve ever posted on my site…

This is how you do a slow burner. As the brothers chip away at their goal, the scenes of them trying to fit through the hole to crawl through the tight space beyond are so unbearable I had to turn away. Aside from making me turn back to enjoy their cuteness, actors Chris Cleveland and Matthew Alan just made matters worse, because they seriously deliver on the emotions of the terrifying ordeal.

And they keep coming back for more. It’s like they scored such a good piece of ass that all they can think about is getting back into that tight hole.

After a humorous cold war with an attendant at a gas station who claims to be an expert cave explorer, the brothers eventually let him in on the action, which only adds to the creepier moments in the film.

One in particular in which one brother goes to check up on the “expert” after he runs in terror from the hole is totally EEK! Such a simple but chillingly effective scene, especially since we really don’t know what’s going on.

Hell, there’s even a freaky scene that’s virtually identical to the original “Lights Out” short film…which was made 5 years after this film. Hm… 

And just when I thought this was going to be nothing more than some sort of metaphorical movie about burying the past or digging up the truth or something like that…CREATURE! It first appears in such an unlikely way that it slams you over the head with rapid-fire scares. And holy shit does all hell eventually break loose. Living Dark is like The Descent on speed…in a tight hole.