I just can’t wait until shark week to indulge in bad shark movies. However, I’m running out of options, so this trio is definitely a deep, desperate dive.
SHARK WATERS (2022)
This is a shark movie that should be all over the Harry Potter network…uh…I mean…SyFy. If you’re stuck inside on a hot day with the AC cranking and nothing to do, check this one out for the bad CGI, cute shark faces that look like something out of an animated movie, and the laughable shark attacks, battles with sharks, and scenes of people falling off a boat.
Following a couple on a jet ski getting attacked during the opener, we meet a young woman charting a boat for some fishing with a few other people.
This movie plot is almost identical to another shark movie I watched in the past year in which the lead girl has to depend on her father to come save her when the attacks are at their worst.
So, anyway, she’s on this boat with some people, and there’s a brief attempt to develop characters before about half of them quickly get knocked off the boat and eaten.
Then the film slows down drastically as the survivors get stuck on a sandbar and battle the sharks until daddy arrives…in a lifeboat. Hilarious.
SHARK LAKE (2015)
I imagine this mess was a SyFy original 8 years ago, but I never saw it.
It’s not even worth getting into it too much. Horrible CGI sharks and CGI gore are sprinkled throughout a weak story involving Dolph Lundgren as some sort of criminal.
This literally feels like a separate movie than the one about the shark until Dolph finally gets incorporated into the shark action in the final act.
Meanwhile, the cop who put him away is dealing with her sleepy lakeside town being terrorized by something in the lake…a lake that inexplicably has a sand bottom.
The most thrilling twist is that there are multiple sharks in the lake. The funniest part is when Dolph fights a shark off with his fists.
SWAMP SHARK (2011)
The only downside to this CGI shark extravaganza is that it stars right wing loon Kristy Swanson. However, she’s right at home playing rifle-wielding white trash that lives by a swamp.
The hilarious premise has animal smugglers accidentally allowing their big truck’s cargo tank to roll down a hill and into the swamp.
Worse, it’s almost time for a big gator fest event, so the locals have all crawled out of their trailer homes to prepare for the thrill of their lifetime.
The most glaring aspect of this film is that in a small redneck town holding a gator fest, at least half the victims of the shark are Black men. WTF?
There are plenty of goofy good CGI shark attacks, DB Sweeney has a starring role, and the finale involves a rescue mission to save Kristy’s sister and her friends, followed by a battle to the death with the shark at the gator fest.
Despite Kristy Swanson’s presence, this is the best of this bunch.
