Other than the campy gay subtext, you’d never guess that Monster in the Closet is a Troma film. It’s a light, fun spoof of 50s creature features, with a monster that looks like a Muppet version of the Rancor from Return of the Jedi. There’s barely any blood or boobs. And there’s a host of big names: John Carradine, Claude Akins, Howard Duff, Stella Stevens…and Paul Walker. No joke. Filmed in 1983, this flick stars a young Paul Walker!
Oh. It also features a young…Fergie! WTF?
This movie is monster-tastic! He breaks out of closets. He drags people into them. He takes on the army! And he falls in love. Plus, there are two instances of 6 degrees of Golden Girls. Howard Duff played the rich tycoon that Sophia put a curse on at a wedding. And there’s also the dude who played Rose’s made up boyfriend Isaac Newton and later played the husband to Rita Moreno in that horrible first attempt at an Empty Nest spinoff.
The highlights don’t end there. The dude who plays the Clark Kent-ish reporter is so fricking sexy (the monster in the closet thinks so, too).
The blond alien who helps the rebels in V appears in this film. A Nestle Crunch is used to bait the monster. There’s even a Tom Selleck poster hanging on one chick’s door! 80s awesome.
But I have two favorite parts of Monster in the Closet. First, when it is determined that the only way to kill the monster is to destroy every closet so he has nowhere to hide, we get a kickass montage of folks destroying their closets in inventive ways. Best national coming out day ever! Then there’s the monster simply dropping dead on top of the Clark Kent dude, before Howard Duff proclaims, “It was beauty killed the beast.”
And we thought Elm Street 2 was the gayest 80s movies….
